First Christmas

by Trevor McCall

  Greta’s sentence construction and tone were so awkward, they finally broke through the veil of indifference Aubrey was trying hard to wear. They combined to cause Aubrey to take a closer look at her mom. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong, per se.”

  “Per se, mom, really? Since when do you say, ‘nothing is wrong, per se’. For that matter, since when do you say ‘per se’. Something is wrong I can see it written all over your face.” Aubrey got up off the hearth and walked over to where her mom sat in the rocker. She knelt beside her and took her hands. “Is it dad? Are you missing dad? Is that what it is?”

  “It does concern dad, yes. That much is true.” Greta broke off again. She didn’t know how she was ever going to get this out. She was scared of what Aubrey was going to think once she knew the whole story.

  “Mom, you’re confusing me. Can you just tell me what’s going on?” Aubrey didn’t like the ambiguity that lined her mother’s face. In her experience, everything horrible in life began with ambiguity.

  Greta released Aubrey’s hands. She stood up and walked over to the Christmas tree. From under the tree she picked up a plain white envelope that had been wrapped with a pretty red velvet bow. She crossed the room back to where Aubrey stood beside the rocking chair with confusion on her face.

  Aubrey received the envelope from her mother. Her eyes compulsively read the words scrawled across the front. Their content only widened her confusion. “It’s from him?” Aubrey asked in disbelief.

  “Yes, it is.” Greta confirmed.

  “But how, mom? How could he have written me a letter on Christmas Day?”

  Greta’s eyes mirrored Aubrey’s as they both shone wet with tears. “He wrote it about a week before he died.” Greta studied the floor for a moment. She was not happy about this next part. She disagreed with her husband when he asked it of her, but she felt compelled to fulfill his last wish. “He made me promise, Aubrey, not to give it to you until Christmas morning. No matter what.”

  Aubrey wiped the tears from her eyes. “But why, mom, why did he wait so long?”

  “Oh Aubrey, you knew your father as well as I did. You know how much he loved Christmas. I guess he felt he had to get in one last gift.” Greta paused for a moment. She suspected she had a better idea why he had been so insistent on waiting until Christmas to give his final words to her. “I think maybe, he hoped The Magic of Christmas would help to heal his mistake. That maybe, it would allow you to forgive him.”

  “Forgive him for what?”

  “Read the letter, dear.” Greta turned away from her daughter and headed toward the kitchen. “I’ll give you a few minutes alone in here. Perhaps, I’ll start some breakfast.” Greta didn’t wait for an answer from Aubrey. Instead, she left for the kitchen.

  Aubrey stared after her mother in stunned silence for several seconds. Her brain was swollen. This Christmas morning was dissolving her sense of self. She had to find something, and soon, to ground herself back in this world. The only thing she had right now was the envelope in her hand. Since she seemed to be out of other options, she unsealed the envelope. She was as careful withdrawing the letter and unfolding it, as she had been breaking the seal. She closed her eyes and felt her heart palpitate.

  Dear Aubrey,

  Before we really begin, please know that if this, my last Christmas present to you has not come off the way I expected, you should not feel justified in blaming your mother, or Kyle’s mother. They were both following the wishes of a silly old man who had a child-like belief in the power of true love when mixed with just a little of The Magic of Christmas.

  I have a confession to make. One that pains my spirit as I prepare to commend that spirit to the next world. It is without doubt the single greatest mistake I made as a Father, while also being the only action I ever took on your behalf that I regret.

  Almost twelve years ago to the day, I dramatically interfered in your life. I have no excuse. It was, as I have already said several times, an enormous mistake. The fact I made this mistake out of love and from the bottom of my heart in no way exonerates me. I take full responsibility for the error. It was mine, and mine alone.

  Almost twelve years ago, I told your longtime childhood sweetheart that if he knew what was best for both of you, he would break up with you and let you live your life without him.

  I thought I knew what I was doing. You had just been accepted at two different Ivy League schools. I was afraid you were going to turn down those opportunities to be with him. I am ashamed to say it, after everything I know now, but I thought he wasn’t worthy of you. I thought he would be an anchor on your full potential.

  I will also admit, that I never thought, in a million years, he would listen to the silly ramblings of his girlfriend’s father.

  Perhaps, you can imagine my surprise when you came home that night, from your senior prom no less, crying your eyes out because Kyle told you he couldn’t be with you anymore. As I understand it, he never did tell you why he did what he did. This fact alone assures me Kyle Immanuel Morgan is at least twice the man I am.

  I’m amazed that whenever I see Kyle around town, even after twelve long years, he still asks me how you are doing. Every single time he sees me. Even after twelve long years, I see in his eyes he loves you with all of his heart. What more could a father ask for than that? There is no question in my mind he would treasure you above every other person and thing on this planet. To you, he would always be true.

  Aubrey, my hope is you will read this letter and give that childhood love, that I did so much to ruin, another chance. It is my last gift to you and it can be your last gift to me. It would be a true miracle. It would demonstrate, in all its glory, The Magic of Christmas.

  I will love you always,

  Dad

  Aubrey had to read the last few lines five times to take in all the words, that’s how many tears there were in her eyes. She folded her letter back into its envelope and ran into the kitchen to find her mom.

  Aubrey saw her mom at the stove pretending to pay attention to the eggs she had cracked in the skillet. “Mom,” she had to know, “why did he do that? I am nothing special.” Aubrey burst into tears again.

  Greta turned the burner off and dropped the spatula into the center of an egg yolk breaking it—an unforced type of cooking error the likes of which Greta hadn’t made in twenty years. She folded her daughter up into her arms. “He wanted the best for you, Aubrey. You were his baby, his only child.”

  “What if Kyle was the best for me?”

  “You know what the best thing about best things is, Aubrey? They have no expiration date.” Greta wiped tears from her daughter’s eyes as she dispensed this advice disguised as wisdom.

  Aubrey broke away from her mom’s embrace. “You’re right. I have to see him. I have to see him right now.” Aubrey left the kitchen at a full-fledged sprint. She was aiming at the front door.

  “My goodness,” Greta called after her, “take two minutes to get dressed, I just told you there was no expiration date.”

  Aubrey rummaged around in the hallway closet finding a hat, gloves, boots, and a long winter coat. She grabbed the keys to her mom’s SUV from where they hung on a peg beside the door. She gave her mom a quick kiss on the cheek. “Wish me luck, mom.”

  “You don’t need it, Aubrey. A blind man can see how much he loves you.” Her mom said as Aubrey opened the door.

  Aubrey never processed her mom’s comment. The opening door revealed Kyle. He was just reaching up to ring the doorbell with his right hand. Aubrey let out a small shriek.

  “Aubrey, I’m so glad to see you.”

  Aubrey stepped out on the front porch. She shut the door behind her. She wanted to give Kyle the privacy he deserved. “Kyle, I’m…”

  Kyle cut her off. It wasn’t his style, but love can’t always be polite. “Aubrey, I feel like if I don’t get everything in my heart out right now, I never will. Do you mind if I just say everything I need to say and if I say
it until I’m done?” When Aubrey didn’t contradict him, he took it as a sign she granted the request.

  “All night last night I stared at the ceiling in my house wishing I were a poet. I wanted to write you something so beautiful it would cast a spell on you and make you fall in love with me no matter what you felt in your heart. After that, I wanted to be a painter with a painting of such beauty you had to love me, or risk diminishing the world.”

  “It went on and on like that all night long. Me wanting to be something Great or Important so you would have no choice but to love me. But that’s not me. I am not those things. I am not smart like you. I am not beautiful like you. If you are the day, I am the night. If you are a galaxy, I am an insignificant scrap of dust in an unused basement.”

  “I am not all the things you are, and I know it. But I promise you this, Aubrey Wilson, no man will love you as deeply and as carefully as I will love you. No man will honor the generosity of your spirit the way I will. Let me be the one you spend all the rest of your Christmases with. Please, Aubrey. Please. I’m begging you. Let me be the one for you.”

  Aubrey stood on her mother’s porch shocked into a state of torpor. The silence went on too long. Kyle misinterpreted her lack of speech as rejection. It was time for him to leave. Forever. He handed her a small envelope he had in his hands. “Present number two. Merry Christmas,” he said. She accepted it without thought.

  When Kyle next spoke, he looked so deeply into Aubrey, she would later say she felt as though he were looking for the bottom of her soul. “I love you, Aubrey. I will always love you. No matter how far away you go, or what you do. I will always love you.” With that, Kyle turned and exited the porch.

  He made it five steps before he stopped. There was something he forgot to mention. “Oh, and you should give Mr. Clarke a call when you have a minute. He told me last night he wants you to run his company for him.” Kyle resumed walking toward his truck.

  Still shell-shocked Aubrey did the only thing she could think of, she opened her second Christmas present that morning to come in an envelope. Inside she found a card written twenty-four Christmases ago by her six-year old self. It had a piece of tape down the center to hold the halves together. She gulped back tears.

  He kept the card from her mother’s story.

  Kyle took ten more steps before Aubrey tackled him and pinned him in the fresh Christmas snow. “I love you too, Kyle. I’ve loved you since we were six years old and you pulled my ponytail so hard it made me cry.” Aubrey bent down and gave Kyle the world-shattering kiss they had been storing for twelve years.

  “You know what’s amazing?” She said when she finally broke away from his lips.

  “What?”

  “I thought I would remember this year as the first Christmas without my father, but that’s not what I’m going to remember it as at all.” Aubrey looked at Kyle with love in her eyes. “I’m going to remember it as my First Christmas with you.”

  She bent down and…

  THE END

  About the Author

  Trevor McCall lives in rural Virginia with his wife and children. This is his first book. His followup novel Christmas At First Sight will be out soon. You can find him on twitter @trevormccall, or email him directly at tlm6r@yahoo.com.