Limp Dicks & Saggy Tits
Page 27
“Isn’t he beautiful?” Ronan whispered.
“He is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a stag in the wild. Seen plenty of girls, nothing like him, though. You’re not going to shoot him, are you?”
Ronan laughed. “No, he has sired some fantastic meat; he can live a little longer. Anyway, the season has finished.”
I hoped he was joking about the live a little longer, and I hoped he was serious about the season being over. I wasn’t dumb. I knew where my meat came from. I ate mainly free range, but I was also a hypocrite in that I didn’t want to witness that.
“I’m gutted I don’t have my camera, we don’t get many pictures of him. Charlie named him Ruairidh. It means royal and with red hair. If you got close to him, you’d see is coat is chestnut red.”
“Does it make you sad to know he might get culled?” I asked.
“No, because when that time comes, he’ll be wanting it. He’ll be old or sick, or injured to the point he might not survive. We cull the hinds, and some of the males, but never the dominant ones. We have to, Lizzie, to ensure their survival. They would eat their way through this land, and all neighbouring lands in no time and then have nothing left if their numbers weren’t kept in check. It’s not nice, and we don’t turn it into an event, but it’s all part of land management.”
“When did you learn to shoot?” I asked as he started up the bike and the stag moved on.
“I don’t remember how old I was. Charlie taught me when I was kid. I guess I had my first gun when I was a teenager. Pigeons, birds, deer obviously, rabbit. We eat everything we shoot. Or we sell it to the butcher. I’ll teach you if you like?”
It didn’t pass me by that it was yet another thing that Charlie had taught him, and I began to realise how fractured his relationship with his father had been. I wondered if he’d been in touch since Verity’s death but didn’t want to ask.
We pulled into the courtyard as Charlie was wandering out with a puppy in his hands.
“What do you have there?” Ronan asked.
“Broken leg, I think. Waiting on the vet, but I think he needs to be away from the others,” he replied.
The puppy was yelping, and I could hear the howl of Mum from the kennels. Charlie nestled the puppy in some straw just outside the bars where Mum could poke her nose through and still sniff him.
“I wonder how that happened,” I mused.
“I don’t know. It’s odd. He has a couple of puncture wounds as well. I think we move them inside, Ronan. Maybe something tried to take him.”
“Something?” I asked.
“A fox or a wild dog maybe. Doug, the farmer next field over, reported a wildcat sighting, but I think he had too much whisky in his belly,” Charlie answered.
Ronan chuckled with him. “Let us know when the vet arrives.” He parked the quad bike in the workshop and took my hand. We walked into the kitchen to the smell of yet more baking.
“Taste,” Maggie said, shoving what looked like the rock cakes of my youth in my hand. It was hot, and I bounced it from palm to palm to cool it down.
I took a bite, and it melted in my mouth. It was doughy and sweet with currants and pieces of something slightly sour. I looked at it and picked out a piece of the red fruit.
“Redcurrants,” she said, “I thought I’d experiment.”
I gave her a thumbs-up as I took another bite.
“I’m going to grab a shower and get out of these clothes,” Ronan said.
“I’ll do the same… not at the same time as Ronan, of course…after you’ve…” I said.
Maggie laughed, and Ronan grabbed my hand to drag me from the kitchen while I finished the rock cake.
“Do you have wildcats here? I thought they were pretty much extinct,” I said, as we climbed the stairs.
“They nearly are. I’ve never known one to come so close to us, though. I guess if it’s hungry enough, but to take a pup? I don’t know.”
Ronan stripped out of his clothes and left them in a pile on the floor. His jeans still had sawdust over them, and his T-shirt was filthy. He was a messy guy, not that it was my place to point that out to him. While I waited, I removed my clothes. I sat with my dressing gown around me wondering if I ought to shave my legs yet. My hooha hair had started to grow back, and I was dismayed to see some greys. I inspected just as Ronan walked back into the bedroom.
“Want me to do that for you?” he said, startling me.
“I was checking how many grey hairs I have,” I said, quickly removing my hand.
“Why are women so fascinated with all that stuff?”
“Because, often, men make us so self-conscious.”
I walked past him into the bathroom and hung my dressing gown on the back of the door. As I stepped into the shower, I heard a car come up the drive. Ronan shouted that he’d be down with Charlie, and I guessed the vet had arrived.
I showered quickly, surprised to note that I must have acclimatised to the Scottish weather, as I hadn’t felt as chilled that day as I had before. Often, when I got in the shower and my skin reddened, it reminded me of how much I needed to warm up. I dressed in a clean jumper and jeans and pulled some fluffy socks on. I would ask Maggie if I could accompany her into town, I wanted to buy my own wellies and not have to rely on the spider homes of unknown occupants from the boot room. There was no telling whose feet had been in those, and I swear one had mice in it.
I walked down and met her in the kitchen. “Can I come into town next time you go? I need some wellies. My walking boots are really not up to actual walking off-road in,” I said.
“Of course, I’m heading there tomorrow. Got that lot to take in, so you can help me.”
On the counter, were two blue plastic crates filled with pies. She had been super busy since the Aga had come back to life.
“There’s a carcass outside we need to take as well,” she added.
“I thought Ronan said hunting season was over.”
“It is. That one was road kill. Nothing goes to waste here,” she replied, and then laughed at the look on my face. I was such a townie!
“Anyway, I need some wellies, and I thought I might get a raincoat that fits and doesn’t have bugs in the pockets. I could also do with some new books. I’m nearly finished with that one you want to read.”
“Oh, yes, I’d forgotten about that. We’ll pick up some Viagra while we’re there,” she said, with a wink.
“Maybe I won’t lend you the book. Be aware, I’m told, according to the author’s page on Facebook, babies were conceived after reading that book.” It was my turn to laugh at the look on her face.
Charlie and Ronan walked in as we were laughing.
“What’s funny?” Charlie asked.
“Lizzie has a rude book she’s reading. She’s going to lend it to me, but it might make me pregnant,” Maggie said, as she started to put vegetables in pots.
“A rude book, huh?” Ronan said, nuzzling the side of my neck.
“It’s a book, an erotic romance, and it’s a great read. It’s not all about sex…well, it is, but there’s a story to it as well,” I said, protecting my book fiercely. “How’s the pup?” I asked to change the subject.
Charlie pursed his lips. He nodded before he spoke, and it seemed as if he’d thought through his answer and just given himself permission to speak. “Broken leg, as I guessed. Something tried to drag him through the bars. Seems Mum might have had a go, as she had a cut to her nose. Anyway, I’ve moved them to a safer place.”
“What will happen to the pup?” I asked.
“We'll have to see if we can find a home for him. He cannae be a working dog now,” Charlie replied with a sigh.
“I’ll take him,” I blurted out. I’d never owned a dog before, but I was going to miss company when I moved into the barn. “I’ll pay all the vet bills if he can stay here until I go home.”
“Those collies don’t always make great pets, Lizzie,” Maggie said with concern. “They need a lot of work.”
“Lizzie, if you want him, you can have him. He’s not going to be worth anything as a working dog,” Ronan said, and I smiled my thanks.
“What did the vet do, Charlie?” I asked.
“He strapped his leg but was reluctant to take him from his mum. He doesn’t seem to be in any pain, so it’s wound management and waiting until the bone sets. He might be crippled, so we don’t know how well he’ll walk,” he replied.
I nodded in determination. “I know, and if he can’t walk too far, that’s fine by me as well.”
“Looks like you got yourself a dog,” Ronan said. “Have you ever owned one?”
“Nope, and I’ll do puppy training and whatever when I get home.”
I saw him frown at my words, but I wasn’t sure what it was I’d said to cause that. Maybe collies didn’t do well in puppy school.
“Maggie and I are going into town tomorrow. Is there a pet store?” I began to get excited.
“I think maybe you should wait until we know what the future holds for the wee pup,” Charlie said.
Dinner was served, and talk of the estate continued. It seemed that was the time of day that Charlie caught Ronan up on everything that had been happening, and he even had some good news.
“So, I was talking to the college, about those kids, and it seems they are short on accommodation,” he said.
“Student accommodation!” I said, excitedly.
“Not sure. Too messy, parties every night, trashing the place…” Ronan countered.
“Farming students? They’re not rock stars,” I said.
Charlie pointed out, “Not students. The teachers or whatever they call them. They can’t get good teachers because there’s nowhere to live.”
“Now that sounds better. I can do teachers,” Ronan replied.
Ronan told Maggie and Charlie that we would clear up. Maggie liked to watch her soaps in the evening, so both retired to their annexe. I promised her that I’d have the book for her in the morning. I only had a chapter to go, and I intended to finish it that night.
“Do you want a glass of wine?” Ronan asked.
“Yes, please. That would be nice. I’m just going to get my book.”
I left him to head to the cellar, and I rushed upstairs to grab the paperback. I chuckled all the way back down as I thought of Maggie reading it. I’d told her it was super sexy, but I wasn’t sure if she believed me. I left it on the sofa while I stacked some logs on the already lit fire. I heard Ronan come in and the clink of glasses being placed on the coffee table.
“So, let’s see what’s so great about this book,” he said, as he picked it up, and I winced as he fanned the pages like a croupier would a deck of cards.
He stopped and started to read out loud. I knew the scene he was about to stumble upon, and I coloured with the thought. I sat and picked up my wine as he read. His accent and the sultriness of his voice, as he read out a particularly erotic scene, was beginning to arouse me.
“Wow, does this get you hot because it’s sure affecting me,” he said as he continued to read.
“You reading it is getting me hot,” I said, chuckling.
“Is my Scottish accent getting your hooha all excited?” he asked, completely exaggerating it.
He placed the book down and shuffled up the sofa. I laughed as he closed in on me. He said something that was completely foreign. I placed my wine glass on the floor.
“What did you say?” I said, wriggling as he pulled on my jean pockets to slide me down the sofa. By the time he got to answer, I was stretched out, and he was lying on top of me.
“It’s Gaelic, the real language of my home country.” He dipped his head to kiss me.
“What did it mean?” I asked, as his lips brushed over mine and followed my jawline to my ear.
“Tha gaol agam ort.”
I guessed I wasn’t getting a translation, and by then I was pretty much distracted anyway. We made out like a pair of teenagers, kissing, teasing, and I laughed when Ronan suggested a break for wine before we attempt to get to third base. What he really meant was that he had a cramp.
I straightened myself back up and curled my feet underneath me. I’d had more sex in the past few days than I’d had in years. It wouldn’t hurt to give my hooha a little rest. Ronan thought that hysterical. I picked up my book, and he read the newspaper. It was nice just to sit with him, drink wine, listen to the fire, and sigh as I turned the last page of my book. I closed it and just rested one hand on the top. It was a classic love story, with a lot of heat thrown in.
I loved a good fictional love story because, until Ronan, I’d never had that passion. Until Ronan, I believed it only existed between the pages of my books.
I looked over at him as he concentrated on the financial section. In profile, he had a strong jawline, and his dark brown eyes and hair gave the illusion that he was European, French maybe. He had that straight nose, regal looking. He didn’t resemble the picture I’d seen of his father and, of course, I hadn’t seen any of his mum without being covered in paint.
The fire had started to die down, and a chill descended on the room. I ran my hand up Ronan’s arm. “I’m going to head up,” I said.
“I’ll clear this away, and then I’ll be up, okay?”
I nodded. As I walked up the stairs and watched him turn off lights, for a moment, it felt like we were a real couple living together. The fire in the bedroom was low, but I knew we wouldn’t add any more logs; there was enough heat to take the chill off the room. I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off my socks, I slipped out of my jeans and knickers, and then pulled my jumper over my head, and by the time I was removing my bra, Ronan was in the bedroom. He smiled at me as he walked to the bathroom. I heard him pee; he never shut a door even when he was using the loo. I guessed it was a man thing; many a time I’d walk in on Joe sitting and playing some game on his phone.
When I heard the tap run, I joined him to clean my teeth. I stood beside him, naked, and when he was done, he kissed the back of my neck. I shivered at his touch.
I climbed into the bed and snuggled into his side. He wrapped one arm around me, and I heard him sigh with contentment. I felt my stomach grumble a little, and I shifted to get comfortable. The rumble moved from my stomach.
“Oh,” I said, and then let out a fart. I buried my head into his chest in absolute embarrassment.
“Jesus, Lizzie, you sound like an old sailor,” he said, laughing.
“I’m sorry. I tried to hold it in,” I replied, laughing myself.
He tightened his arm around me. “Well, I’m glad you feel comfortable to let it out, and thank fuck you don’t stink. That would have been embarrassing.”
I was still chuckling when I fell asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’d received a text message from Joe delaying his trip up to see us. I decided to give him a call as his message was a little cryptic. I was dressed and about to head down for breakfast, although Ronan had already been up for ages. I didn’t know what it was about Scotland in the winter, but I was more tired than ever. I put it down to not having as much sunlight at that time of year, and not having the streetlights to give false daylight for longer hours than was real. I dialled Joe’s number as I left the bedroom.
“Hi, I got your text. Is everything okay?” I asked when he answered.
“I’m more than okay. Your neighbour? Phwoar,” he said, and then laughed.
“My neighbour? Have you been drinking?” I asked.
“Danny,” he said.
“I know who Danny is but...phwoar? Are you sure?”
“We’ve had a couple of dates. Lizzie, I could fall for him.”
I was stunned into silence. I had reached the kitchen, and I guessed something in my expression must have alerted Ronan to walk towards me. He mouthed, asking me if I was okay, and I nodded.
“Are you there?” Joe asked.
“Yes, sorry, I was a little shocked there, Joe. Are we talking about the same person, the jerk who lives opposite me, with a dead cat and a blow-up doll and…?” I was about to state that he had a gay wank mag on the kitchen table that I’d used to assault Pat with.
“Is he bi?” I asked.
“I guess so. Does it matter?” Joe was getting defensive. I needed to back off a little.
“No, of course not. I don’t think I’d go as far as a phwoar, but if you’re happy, and he isn’t taking the piss out of you, then I’m glad.”
I was guessing by that point, Ronan had got the gist of what I was saying.
“What?” he mouthed silently. I shrugged my shoulders.
“So, Danny and I have decided to spend a couple of days in the Cotswolds to see how we get on. I know it’s quick, but we have a real connection.”
“I’m thrilled for you, Joe, I really am. The Cotswolds are lovely. You have a great time, won’t you?”
There wasn’t much else to say other than goodbye, and I disconnected the call.
“Wow, so dead-cat-blow-up-doll-and-gay-wank-mag-guy is dating Joe?” Ronan said.
“Yep. They’re going to the Cotswolds.” I hadn’t anything else to add, really.
Ronan laughed. “Rich will be upset.”
“Maybe you should tell him. It might make him get his finger out of his own arse.”
Maggie spat her tea across the kitchen table.
“Who’s gay?” Charlie asked.
“Everyone by the sounds of it,” Maggie said.
At that, the sip of tea I’d just taken was expelled through my nose. “I’m not going to think about it. I hope they go, it’s awful, and Joe comes home and… That was terrible of me, wasn’t it?” I was shocked that I could actually think that way.
No matter what my experience with Danny was, if Joe was happy, then it should be good with me. However, Joe had his own house, bought and paid for, and a successful business. Danny was about to be made redundant and lose his rented flat. Was I being too cynical?