Monster Problems: Vampire Misfire

by R. L. Ullman

Seconds later, Rage is right behind her. He opens the door, shrugs his shoulders, and leaves.

  I’m all alone.

  Great.

  If she didn’t before, I’m sure Aura now thinks I’m a total loser. First, I looked like a complete dork in Hexum’s class, and now I’m just lying here while the rest of the Monstrosities try to stop a grave robbery.

  My chances of making the team just keep shrinking. I stare at Rage’s empty bed. Then, I remember what Aura said: Maybe Hexum was right about you.

  Darn it!

  I grab my hoodie and bolt out the door.

  ***

  Thankfully, the kids are still in the lobby. I catch Aura half-smiling when I show up, but she quickly wipes it from her face.

  “Sorry,” I whisper. “I’m a bonehead, okay?”

  “Apology accepted,” she whispers back. “And yes, you are.”

  “Why didn’t you leave yet?” I ask.

  “We were about to,” she says. “But we can’t find InvisiBill. Feel free to help us look around.”

  While the team searches for InvisiBill, I’m sweating bullets. In my mind’s eye, I see Vi Clops rounding the corner, her angry red eye heading straight for me. I guess Aura senses my nervousness because she just shakes her head and points towards the Attendance Office.

  Just then, I hear a SAWING noise coming from the partially open door. I tiptoe over and peek inside. To my surprise, Vi Clops is lying face down on the counter, snoring like a busted vacuum cleaner. Next to her are a dozen empty pizza boxes.

  “She’ll sleep for hours,” Aura says, scaring me out of my skin. “All cyclops’ can’t stay awake after a big meal. It pays to know your Monsterology.”

  “Right,” I whisper. “Good tip.”

  A few minutes later, Rage accidently sits on InvisiBill, who was napping on one of the couches. Mystery solved, but boy did Aura rip into him.

  After that, we leave the lobby and dash through a series of corridors. It feels like we’re running through an endless maze, but the Monstrosities seem to know exactly where they’re going, so I’m thinking they’ve done this before. Like, lots of times before.

  Finally, we reach a solid stone wall and I think we’ve hit a dead end. But then Hairball pulls down a sconce, and the whole wall slides open, revealing a narrow hallway. Well, I wasn’t expecting that.

  We squeeze through one by one, and the next thing I know, we pop out the back of Monster House and onto the school grounds. We dart across the grass beneath a full moon and head towards a big building I’ve never seen before.

  “Where are we going?” I yell out to Rage as my heart pumps a million miles a second.

  “The garage,” Rage whispers back.

  The garage? That’s the biggest garage I’ve ever seen in my life. We run through the open hangar door to find dozens of parked vehicles, like buses, jeeps, and Crawler’s motorcycle. I run my hand along Crawler’s sidecar. Seeing it now reminds me of just how freaked out I was when I first got here.

  If only Crawler could see me now.

  Aura tells us to keep watch as Hairball hotwires a nearby jeep. Rage and I take the hangar door.

  “You sure this is a good idea?” I whisper.

  “Probably not,” Rage whispers back.

  “Does Hairball have a driver’s license?” I ask.

  “Dude, don’t let the facial hair fool you. The kid’s only twelve-years-old.”

  “Oh,” I whisper. “Wonderful.”

  Suddenly, the engine ROARS and we pile inside. I’m squished in the backseat between Stanphibian, who smells like an aquarium, and InvisiBill, who just plain smells.

  The next thing I know, we’re swerving down the driveway towards the front gate. I remember Crawler getting eye-scanned to open the campus gate, so I’m pretty sure this will be a short joyride. We pull up to the security booth, and right on cue the eye-scanning device extends towards the car.

  Well, I can finally breathe.

  This should put an end to this little adventure.

  But to my surprise, Aura crosses over to the driver’s side and sticks her hand right through the scanner! Electric blue currents shoot across the face of the device and then there’s a loud POPPING noise.

  Suddenly, the front gate slides open.

  She short-circuited the machine!

  “Gun it!” Aura orders.

  Hairball pounds the gas and we’re off like a rocket!

  As we drive away, I look back to see the campus growing smaller behind us, and I’m absolutely positive Van Helsing wouldn’t approve of what we’re doing.

  ***

  After a perilous drive going way over the speed limit, we finally arrive at the cemetery. Somehow, and I still don’t know how, I manage not to toss my cookies.

  Hairball rolls up to the iron-wrought front gate.

  No surprise, it’s locked.

  A dense fog hugs the ground, adding an extra creepy dimension no one really needs right now. Behind the gate I can make out tombstones organized in neat little rows, but there’s no sign of any grave robbers.

  “What now?” Hairball asks.

  “Now we go inside, fur brain,” Aura says. “We won’t stop any grave robbers sitting out here.”

  “Got it,” Hairball says, slamming on the gas.

  Before I can object, the jeep SMASHES through the gates, and I see InvisiBill’s window go down. The next thing I know, I hear InvisiBill retching.

  Great, invisi-barf.

  Hairball flies through the cemetery with Aura shouting directions. The fog is so thick you can’t see more than a foot in front of the jeep, and the two of them are arguing like crazy over which way to go.

  Between Hairball’s horrible driving and the stench coming from InvisiBill, I’m starting to feel nauseous myself. I’m about to tell Hairball to slow down when our headlights suddenly flash over a group of figures standing waste deep in a grave.

  “Stop!” Aura yells. “Right there! Those people are the grave robbers!”

  “Um,” Hairball says, “Those aren’t people.”

  “I-Is that …?” Rage stammers.

  “Zombies?” Hairball said. “Yeah.”

  I look out the windshield and my stomach drops to my toes. Four hideous creatures stare back with red, unblinking eyes. They’re totally disheveled looking, with wild hair, ripped clothes, and huge chunks of skin missing from their faces.

  “I’m gonna puke,” InvisiBill says. “Again.”

  No one moves. It’s like each group is shocked to see the other. That’s when I notice three of the zombies are males and one is a female. For a minute, they almost look like store mannequins at a Halloween costume shop. Then, out of the blue, the males start coming out of the grave, walking towards us in a slow, herky-jerky manner!

  “Get us out of here!” Rage yells.

  Hairball throws the jeep into reverse, and then lurches forward, SLAMMING into a tree!

  My head smashes into Stanphibian’s fishbowl and everything becomes a jumbled blur. For a second, all I see are stars. Then, I realize the jeep isn’t moving.

  Hairball turns the key and the jeep SPUTTERS.

  “It won’t start!” Hairball yells.

  There’s smoke coming from the hood.

  “Monstrosities, move out!” Aura commands.

  No one needs a second invitation. We jump out of the vehicle and scatter. Given my lack of fighting skills, I stick close to Hairball because he’s the largest.

  “Don’t let them bite you!” I hear Rage yell.

  The zombies spread out. One of them, wearing a suit and tie, approaches Hairball and me, arms outstretched. He smells putrid, like rotten meat. I’m about to bolt when I realize Hairball is standing his ground.

  “Um, Hairball?” I say. “Shouldn’t you—”

  But before I can finish my sentence, Hairball rears back his giant fist and punches the zombie into the next zip code!

  “Holy cow!” I say.

  The other Monstrosities are equally as impre
ssive. Aura and Stanphibian team up against a zombie to my left. I watch Aura bait it, but when the creature lunges it passes right through her. Then Stanphibian takes over, spearing it with a giant branch. He spins round and round at incredible speed and then lets the branch go, launching the zombie high into a tree.

  On the other side, I see the last zombie dude turning aimlessly in circles. Knowing InvisiBill, he’s probably tapping it on the shoulder and running to the other side. But his fun and games are about to end as Hairball heads over to help.

  Then, I realize I haven’t seen Rage.

  Where is he?

  Suddenly, I remember there’s one zombie left—the female! She was still in the grave, but when I look over, I can’t see anything through the fog.

  Then, a terrible thought crosses my mind.

  What if she’s got Rage?

  Without thinking, I take off for the grave. When I arrive the zombie isn’t there, but neither is Rage. I look into the grave itself and notice the coffin is busted open.

  It’s empty inside!

  That zombie stole all of the bones!

  I glance up at the tombstone, which reads:

  DR. EUGENE ALBERT

  INVENTOR, PHILOSOPHER, PHILANTHROPIST

  Something moves behind a cluster of trees.

  Is that the zombie? And does she have Rage?

  I can’t let her escape, but the other kids are too far away to help. I’ve got no choice.

  I turn on my super speed and break for the woods, but the fog is so thick I can barely see where I’m going. I reach the area where I thought I saw the movement, but there’s no sign of the zombie or Rage. I don’t know what to do. I’m not trained to fight a zombie by myself, and I can’t see the other kids. I could head back, but I’d risk losing the trail—and quite possibly Rage—for good.

  There’s only one choice.

  I figure I can cover the woods quicker with my speed, but as soon as I power up, I feel myself powering down. What’s going on? Then, I remember I was so upset about Hexum that I didn’t eat dinner.

  Genius move.

  I could yell for help, but that’ll just tell the zombie where to come to eat me. Out of the corner of my eye I spot a branch lying on the ground. It’s long and sharp and looks like it can do some serious damage, so I pick it up and keep moving.

  It’s quiet. Eerily quiet.

  The only sounds I hear are my feet crunching through the leaves and the beating of my own heart. After a few more minutes of aimless walking, I realize I’ve lost the trail.

  There’s no point in being subtle now.

  “Rage!” I call out. “Rage, where are you?”

  But there’s no answer.

  I take a few more steps.

  Suddenly, I hear a CRACK behind me.

  “Rage?”

  I turn, hoping to see my friend, but instead I see something far worse.

  It’s… a werewolf!

  Seriously? Now?

  The beast lets out an ear-piercing HOWL.

  And five more pop up behind him.

  SERIOUSLY NOT AGAIN

  I’ve decided I really, really hate werewolves.

  Not only do they eat people, but they also have a terrible habit of showing up at the worst possible times.

  Like, for instance, right now.

  With six of the hairy buggers surrounding me, I need to hit the pause button on my search for Rage and put all of my attention on the task at hand—staying alive!

  I spin around, jabbing with my spear to keep the beasts at bay, when I notice for the first time that werewolves come in all shapes and sizes. Some are tall and skinny, while others are short and stout. Three have brown fur, while two are red, and one is black. Then, it dawns on me that now probably isn’t the best time to be making useless observations like this. I guess the mind works in funny ways when one is facing impending death.

  As the creatures form a circle of teeth and claws around me, my heart is literally pounding out of my chest. I mean, all I have to defend myself is a stick! I hold it up high, ready to thrust at a moment’s notice, but there’s no way I can hold off one werewolf, let alone six!

  The last time this happened I was miraculously saved by Crawler. But this time I’m not expecting miracles to strike twice. Then, I remember Hexum’s class.

  If I can turn myself into a bat, or a cloud of mist, then I could sail out of here scot-free!

  But how the heck do I do that?

  I mean, Hexum only told me it’s possible for vampires other than me. But he didn’t tell me how I can do it for myself.

  Just then, the black werewolf grunts and they all take a step closer, tightening the ring around me. Now I barely have room to operate! They’re standing just outside of my reach, but close enough that I can smell their stench—and boy do they need breath mints!

  I sweep my spear, but they barely react, which tells me they’re less than intimidated. If I don’t do something—anything—fast, I’m dead meat.

  Am I overthinking this vampire thing?

  Maybe I just need to go for it.

  “Be a bat, be a bat, be a bat,” I chant quickly, but nothing happens! No wings. No tiny feet. No air time.

  I’m still a kid.

  Let’s try the mist thing.

  “Be a mist, be a mist, be a mist.”

  But no luck either.

  Then, I remember Hexum’s first test, controlling wolves! I pick out the black-furred one and send Jedi mind tricks its way.

  Go home. Please, go home.

  But it just narrows its eyes and lets out a ferocious growl. Okay, Hexum’s right, I really suck at this whole vampire thing. Time for plan B—total panic!

  “Help!” I yell. “Aura! Hairball! Stanphibian! Even InvisiBill. If you’re out there, help!”

  Unfortunately, no cavalry comes to the rescue, and I’m not surprised. I’ve probably drifted miles away from the cemetery and way out of earshot. The Monstrosities are either searching for me, or they figured I’m already zombie food by now and split.

  A string of drool falls from the black-furred one’s mouth, and then it bares its sharp teeth and SNARLS.

  This is it!

  I close my eyes, waiting for the end.

  ROOOOAAARRRRRR!

  Um, what’s that?

  That didn’t sound like any werewolf.

  Suddenly, there’s a series of high-pitched YELPS, and when I open my eyes, I see werewolves scattering all over the place.

  What’s happening?

  THUD!

  The ground buckles and I’m knocked to the ground.

  Was that… an earthquake?

  THUD!

  I bounce like a popcorn kernel in a popper.

  Then, there’s a loud SNAP, and I realize that’s no earthquake. Something is heading our way.

  Something big.

  My instincts tell me to run, but I stay put. For some crazy reason, I feel like I need to see what’s about to happen next. And apparently, the werewolves feel the same way, because instead of fleeing, they’re huddling up, preparing themselves for whatever is coming.

  Then, the footsteps stop.

  The werewolves sniff the air and shoot each other nervous looks.

  It’s super quiet. Why’s it so darn—

  BOOM!

  I scamper backwards as two gigantic trees come toppling to the ground like twigs, nearly crushing the werewolves. I get back on my feet, and when I look back over at the brush, out steps the biggest, baddest, most horrific monster I’ve seen yet!

  I pick up my jaw and try to take it all in. It must be seven feet tall, with curly, blond hair, purple skin, and an unfriendly scowl. Its body is inexplicably humungous, with boulder-sized muscles bulging from its arms and legs. And strangely, its clothes are shredded across its broad chest and thick thighs.

  With a thundering step, the giant strides into the center and glares at me. My legs turn to jelly and I seriously consider asking the werewolves to adopt me.

  But then I
notice the glasses.

  There’s a pair of blue glasses wrapped tightly around its neck by a cord. And if I didn’t know better, I’d say they looked like… Rage’s glasses?

  Suddenly, two werewolves jump onto the monster’s back and begin clawing at his skin. The behemoth lets out a tremendous ROAR and reaches back, grabbing the werewolves by the scruffs of their necks and tossing them so hard into the trees that the trunks splinter.

  The werewolves crumble to the ground.

  Neither gets back up.

  Seconds later, the remaining four werewolves approach at once, two from the front and two from the back. The monolith holds its ground, watching them closely. It’s like they’re playing a game of chicken, waiting to see who will make the first move.

  Then, the red werewolf charges from the front. With shocking speed, the purple giant steps aside and grabs him from behind. The others jump in, but the brute uses the red werewolf like a baseball bat, clobbering the others into the air and out of sight. When he’s done, he chucks the red werewolf into the night sky.

  Well, so much for the werewolves.

  Now it’s just us!

  I put my hands in the air.

  “Rage?” I say. “Is that you? It’s me, Bram.”

  It steps towards me with a curious expression, and as I look into its blue eyes, I realize that this monster is, in fact, my friend Rage.

  “Rage?” I ask. “Are you hurt?”

  But he doesn’t answer. He just stares at me.

  “Rage? Remember me? I’m your roommate.”

  His brow furrows, and he ROARS, blowing my hair straight back.

  “Um, you do remember me, don’t you?”

  The creature raises his massive fists.

  He’s gonna pound me!

  Suddenly, I hear a THWIP and feel something buzz by my ear. The next thing I know, Rage CRIES out so loud the trees shake. And when I look up, I see a large dart sticking out of his arm.

  Rage looks at me with an odd expression.

  “Get out of the way!” comes a familiar voice.

  Something grabs me from behind right before the giant comes crashing down, smashing face first into the ground.

  I breathe a sigh of relief. There’s no doubt that if I were still standing there, I’d be a kid pancake.

  “Just in time,” Crawler says.