City Girls Don't Camp

by Kamaryn Kelsey

  CJ rolled her eyes but smiled back. Harry was not only her husband, he was her best friend, her lover, and everything else... as long as his mother stayed out of the way. Although, she and Harry's mom had made progress in their decades old feud. They'd never be friends, but they could probably spend an afternoon together without it ending badly. It's a good thing they didn't test those waters often, CJ thought.

  "What about Sady?" Harry asked, bringing CJ back to the present. "I'm not so sure I trust Amanda to provide everything she will need."

  "We'll pack extra gear for Sady and Amanda..." her voice grew loud over his protest. "Unless you want to drive Amanda home when her arrangements don't work out? I didn't think so." She gave him a wicked smile. "Or I could just let her bunk with you... Harry! You don't say words like that!"

  "Then quit threatening me, or I'll be the one staying home," he fumed.

  "No, you won't. You enjoy it as much as I do," she told him and he smiled in agreement.

  Chapter 2

  "Now you see what I'm saying?" Amanda asked Sady as they watched the others load camping gear.

  Sady chewed her lip. "I took less stuff when I hit the road for a week. Are you sure you packed everything we need?"

  "I didn't pack anything, except personal items and some food," Amanda replied. "That's what dialing fingers and a credit card are for. The rental place assured me our RV is fully stocked and will be parked and set up when we arrive. So while they waste valuable energy setting up camp we’ll sit back with a drink and watch them."

  "We aren't there yet," Matt told Amanda as he passed them on the way to his truck. "So get moving and help load."

  "See what camping does to your mood?" Amanda asked Sady, shaking her head in disgust. "Even Stubbles is crabby." Sady giggled- Matt was usually crabby when he was around Amanda. Camping had nothing to do with it. When CJ passed with a similar look they decided to help.

  When they finished loading Sady whispered to Amanda, "I see what you mean about the work! And we aren't even there yet."

  Amanda snorted and didn't bother to keep her voice down, "It gets better, trust me. At least it will for us. Once we hit the campground we're locking ourselves inside the RV and we aren't coming out until they set up their camp."

  "Are you sure the RV has everything we need?" Sady asked again.

  "I saw the photos and picked it personally," Amanda assured her. "They even provide outdoor lounge chairs and a table. It will be all set up and waiting. We also have party lights and tiki torches."

  Sady grabbed her arm. "There's no power, Amanda! How are we going to deal with that?"

  "I ordered the optional generator," Amanda said as she buffed her nails on her sleeve. "You can thank me later." She grinned as Sady gave her a big hug.

  "It will be like a pajama party," Sady said in excitement. "I think this will be better than I expected."

  "You're welcome," Amanda replied. "Wait until it rains. And it will because I've heard the stories- it always rains when you camp. They'll be wet and crabby- we'll be dry and happy. CJ is giving me the look. I guess it's time to find my limo. See you there," she waved. "Let me know if Stubbles gives you a hard time and I'll switch places with you."

  "No, you won't," Matt said grabbing Sady's arm. "Harry and CJ are stuck with you for the whole trip. Now go get in their vehicle before I run you over and leave your carcass in their driveway." Sady snickered as they snarled at each other. CJ cleared her throat and Amanda climbed into the back seat of their SUV. Sady could hear her complaining about being cramped and hoping she wouldn't be sick riding in the back seat. Matt tugged Sady's arm and rushed her to his truck. "Move it, because that woman is not riding in this truck today... or ever again if I have my way!"

  "Can I pick the radio station?" Sady asked.

  "Why not?" he replied. "It can't be worse than what Amanda's subjected me to." A couple hours into the trip he reached over and changed the station to sports talk. Sady slapped his hand with a glare and turned it back to the classic rock station.

  "Don't make me text Amanda," she threatened. "I don't listen to over-opinionated drunks!"

  "I beg to differ. You hang with Amanda, don't you?" he scowled.

  "That's different. She's my friend... besides, she never gets drunk!"

  "How about a compromise and we just turn off the radio?" he asked.

  "All you had to do was ask," Sady said. "Do you want to talk?"

  "Is this part of your therapy or something? Do I look like I want to talk?"

  "No, you look like you're about to explode. Maybe you should talk. It's a good way to handle stress."

  "So's a couple hours at the bar," he muttered.

  "See, you and Amanda have that in common," Sady said cheerfully. "What's wrong with you?" she asked when he gave her a dirty look.

  "If you have to know I need to take a... I need a bathroom," he grumbled. "I've needed one for almost an hour."

  "So what's the problem? Pull off and find one."

  "I was hoping you'd have to go first," he finally admitted. "I didn't have this problem with Amanda."

  Sady laughed. "Oh, no! Beauty pageant girls know it's a bad idea to drink two travel mugs of coffee before you hit the road. I had just enough caffeine to keep me on my feet. So unless you want to float the rest of the way there, you might as well admit you goofed and find a place to stop. Look on the bright side. We'll still make it there before the others. I bet Harry's stopping every half hour for Amanda. I knew that would make you smile."

  Matt was in a better mood after the bathroom break. He brought a bag of snacks from the convenience store and handed it to Sady. She looked inside and laughed again. "You want them to beat us there? Here's a few tips from a girl who knows how to travel. Don't ever eat anything with peanuts. One rancid nut and you're stopping every half hour... or more. Next time try to avoid all nuts." She tossed a few snacks into the back seat.

  "Salty snacks? They make you thirsty, which will make you drink more... and you know how that ends." A few more snacks got thrown over her shoulder. She held up a bottle of pop. "More caffeine? You might as well get another cup of coffee."

  "Don't throw that in the back seat, Sady," he warned. She grinned and set it on the floor in back. "Is there anything left?" he griped.

  She handed him a bottle of water and a candy bar. At the look on his face she said, "Hey, be glad you're not on the beauty bus. You wouldn't even get the candy bar. Do you know how many calories are in one of those things?"

  "No, and I don't care. Just open it before I starve, Miss Know-It-All. Where's the beef jerky?"

  "In the back, along with the potato chips and pretzels. Salty, remember? You could have grabbed some cheese sticks although they have salt too. But they're yummy... and good protein," she said.

  "I'll be sure to make a note of that. Now climb back there and find that beef jerky. Grab those chips too. As long as we're stopping again, anyway."

  Sady grinned and twisted in her seat to reach the jerky and chips. "Anything else?" she asked.

  "Yes, keep your travel tips to yourself and hand me that bag of peanuts."

  "You'll be sorry," she warned as she handed him the peanuts. He gave her a challenging look and shoved a handful into his mouth. She smiled and shook her head. "I will say I told you so. You know that, right?" He ignored her and continued munching peanuts along with his other snacks.

  ***

  "Sady, if you tell me that one more time I'm gonna kill you," Matt moaned from the passenger seat. "What's it say that I'm not complaining about your driving?"

  "That you feel bad for doubting me?" she asked.

  "Shut up, and get off the next exit," he said. "If you have all those travel tips, why don't have any answers for this?"

  "Don't be stupid!" she scoffed. "Of course, I do."

  Matt narrowed his eyes, "And you were going to let me suffer the rest of the trip?"

  "I thought if I let you suffer the consequences of your stubbornness it would be a va
luable life lesson, which you will never forget. Besides, you told me to keep them to myself- remember?"

  "Well, I changed my mind. Now will you help me?" he asked.

  "Say please," she said.

  He said a few other things before he said please. Sady grinned and pulled off an exit. "That wasn't so hard now, was it? I'll even go into the store and make the purchase for you." She reached over and patted his hand.

  "What are you buying?" he asked suspiciously.

  "Adult diapers, what did you think?" she asked, her eyes wide with surprise at his question. A few seconds later she laughed at the dismay on his face.

  "Have you taken torture Matt lessons from Amanda?" he asked in a snotty voice. "I'm about ready to open this door and jump. Pray there's a semi behind us to finish me off quickly."

  "Now, now, don't get your peanuts in an uproar," she teased as she pulled into a parking lot. "I'm just stopping so I can get my purse."

  "You had it the whole time and didn't give it to me? What's wrong with you?" he asked.

  "I just wanted to drive your truck," she stated flatly. "Now, do you want my help or not?"

  He narrowed his eyes but kept his mouth shut.

  "That's what I thought. Now remember- the little pink pills are always good friends." She handed him pink bismuth tablets. "And the little green ones? They are friends too." Matt reached over and grabbed them from Sady, downing a couple of each with his pop.

  "What?" he snapped at her half open mouth and raised finger.

  "Well, I was about to warn you that they can also be unfriendly if you take too many. But again, your haste will do you in. Just don't blame me when you can't go for a few days." She shrugged.

  "I hate you," he scowled.

  "No, you don't," she replied. "Because I have the answer to that as well. Come see me when you can admit you were wrong again."

  "It's abuse Matt day, isn't it?" he asked as he checked his cell phone. "How many times do I need to text Harry that we aren't lost and we'll be there soon? Just shut up and drive, Sandy-Sue!"

  Chapter 3

  A half hour later CJ waved as Sady drove past their campsite. Sady rolled down the window. "He says you can't ask," she told CJ with a grin.

  "I thought he was bailing on us with most of the equipment," she said. "He looks to be in the same condition as Harry, but since you didn't have Amanda with you... I know, don't ask. Hey, Meadows, time to haul your sorry ass out of the truck and start setting up," CJ told him.

  "Where's Amanda?" Sady asked and CJ doubled over with laughter.

  "That's another story and a little karmic revenge for you men," she told Matt. "Sorry, Sady, I can't help it. She's just around the bend... behind the trees."

  Matt perked up immediately. "I have to go see this first, CJ."

  "Just leave the truck and hustle back," she said. "Harry's trying to hide around here somewhere. I'll round him up."

  Matt and Sady got out of the truck and walked up the dirt road in the direction CJ indicated. They stopped as they rounded the bend. Matt laughed and Sady stood in shock. Amanda was yelling on her cell phone, arms waving as she paced back and forth.

  "What is it?" Sady whispered to Matt. "It doesn't look like any motor-home I've ever seen."

  "That's probably because it's older than you," he chuckled. "Let's take a look." He waved at Amanda with a grin and helped himself to a tour of the RV.

  He opened the door for Sady and ushered her in first. She stopped, and he bumped into her. She turned with her hand over her nose and mouth. "What's that smell?" she asked.

  "Mold, urine, animal feces, nesting rodents, dry-rot, age... take your pick," he said pushing past her. The striped lime green and bright orange upholstery dated the unit to the 1970s. A few upgrades had been made. Like a replacement section of the gold linoleum where the floor apparently suffered from rot as the new linoleum sat a good inch lower than the rest.

  He opened a door and beckoned Sady. "Come take a look at your bathroom," he invited. She peeked around the door and closed her eyes. It was an all-in-one unit, where the shower and toilet shared the floor. When the shower was on, it would spray the toilet and everything else in the closet-like space. There was no sink, and it was doubtful any of the plumbing worked.

  "How do you keep the toilet paper dry?" Sady asked Matt.

  "By getting a newer unit," he laughed. "The brilliant engineers of these things finally figured out this isn't such a great idea. Let's check out the bedroom," he suggested.

  "I'm scared," Sady admitted. With good reason. A cloud of dust flew out when she patted the original bedspread, faded and dry-rotted with age. Sady lifted the edge and asked, "Does it have a mattress?"

  "Only one way to find out," he replied, giving her a push. Sady gasped for air when she landed on the bed. The bedspread ripped and a pouf of yellow particles filled the air. Matt reached down to haul her to her feet, then laughed when he saw the mattress... or what was left of the mattress. There was a permanent Sady size indent in it. Like most everything else in the unit, it was original and completely dry rotted.

  Sady gave him a worried look. "What happened to the springs?" she asked. "Did they rust away?"

  "Sady, a long, long time ago that mattress was a piece of foam. It never had springs," he chuckled.

  She reached down and pushed her hand into the mattress leaving another dent. "I wonder if Amanda knows," she said. "Can a person sleep on this?"

  "Let me know tomorrow," he said, heading to the door. Before he got there, it crashed open and Amanda stomped in.

  Matt didn't bother hiding his smile and Sady turned her attention to the floor while Amanda steamed. She flapped her hand in disgust and yelled. "This is not what I ordered!" she told Sady.

  "So how did you end up with it then?" Matt asked. "I hope you brought your hot undercover police woman outfit to wear. You'll fit right in."

  "That crook who took my credit card didn't tell me they don't deliver to this area. So he had an associate dealer take care of it. Apparently, substitutions are allowed by someone local. I'll give him a local if I ever catch him!"

  "Which one?" Matt teased.

  "All of them, Stubbles, including you. Do you have any more stupid questions?" she demanded with her hands on her hips.

  "Yeah, but I'll save them for when you set up your camp. CJ threw in extra gear for you girls... just in case." He waved at the interior of the RV. "And this looks like a case."

  "We've already been set up," Amanda yelled. "And taken! When I asked where the generator was he told me this unit can't handle a generator. It has, and I quote, electrical problems. Can you believe that? This thing has more problems than electrical. It's a miracle he even got it here. And he had the nerve to warn me about damaging it. What's left to damage?" she asked. Sady put her hand over her mouth and tried not to laugh, but it was too late.

  Amanda glared at her. "What's so funny?"

  "I might have damaged the mattress," she admitted. "And the bedspread."

  "Let me see," Amanda said, pushing her way to the bedroom. Matt and Sady heard her shout, "Oh, hell no! I am not paying for damages on that. I'm gonna sue him for putting our health at risk."

  With pure mischief in his blue eyes Matt asked, "Hey, Amanda- did you check the bathroom?"

  She returned, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What's wrong with the bathroom?"

  "I don't know," Matt said. "Why don't you tell me?"

  Amanda opened the door and yelled again. "What's not wrong with it? This isn't a bathroom. Who decided to put the toilet in the shower? Where's the sink? How do you keep the toilet paper dry?"

  She came back and dropped onto the upholstered bench seat at the table. The fabric split in several places and a cloud of dust, fabric, and dry foam blew into the air.

  "You girls are running up quite a tab," Matt scolded. "Maybe you should open a window to air it out." He reached over the kitchen sink to open the window. The crank turned, but the window didn't open. He gave the broken
handle to Amanda as he left. "Keep this up and you'll be the proud new owner of this thing, Amanda. I think the 'you break it- you buy it' rule applies here." He grinned and ducked when Amanda threw the handle at him. It hit the paneling and left a hole in the wall.

  "Stop breaking things," Amanda shouted at him.

  "You know where to find me," he chuckled as he left.

  Sady looked at the hole. "I don't think we can hide that, Amanda... or patch it." She turned to look when Amanda didn't respond. Amanda was shaking her head and muttering under her breath. The dust in the air turned blue as she spoke. Finally, she peered at Sady.

  "You wanna know the worst part?" she asked.

  "It gets worse?" Sady asked in awe.

  "Oh, yeah. It gets worse. Because it's near the end of the season, we get to drive this beauty back," she replied.

  "Well, that doesn't seem so bad," Sady said. "How far can it be? Fifty miles at the most?" Amanda shook her head.

  "No, you don't understand. It's going back to the mother ship for storage... as in the Brighton area. To the dealer I originally called. Can you believe that?" Amanda asked. Sady just nodded, tears of laughter rolling down her face.

  Amanda started to chuckle. "It's a good thing I brought the booze," she said. "Because one way or another, we're gonna need it!"

  "Amanda, do I have to sleep here?" Sady asked.

  "Sady, I don't think anyone can sleep here," she replied. "Let me pour a drink and we'll go to hell... I mean tenting."

  Amanda stepped out and grabbed a bottle of alcohol, plus a beer for Sady from the cooler outside. "I won't say cheers," Amanda said as she returned and drank a sip from the bottle. Sady had a sip of beer and sat carefully on the bench opposite Amanda.

  “In case you didn't notice on your way in the family circus is already here,” Amanda told her. “Complete with dogs, lazy men, and little hellions on wheels. There's at least three monsters terrorizing this place on bikes. I picked this spot because it was the farthest from them!”

  “Thanks for the warning.” They sat there quietly, wondering how much worse camping could get. A slight scratching noise made Sady look around anxiously.