City Girls Don't Camp

by Kamaryn Kelsey

  CJ popped over when they returned and announced, "Last night! Campfire tonight, and I promise no more confessions."

  "Well, praise the lord and pass the booze!" Amanda exclaimed. "I've been ready for this thing to be over since I got here."

  "Amanda," Sady whispered. "What are you going to do about the... uhm, you know?"

  Amanda looked puzzled and Sady pointed to the campsite where the RV was parked. "Oh, I've got that covered," she said confidently.

  "I hope that doesn't mean I'm driving," Sady said. "It's a little bigger than the Wienie Wagon."

  Amanda snorted. "Neither one of us is driving that barge. That little privilege is reserved for Stubbles."

  Sady's mouth dropped. "Does he know that? Okay, obviously not," she continued at Amanda's look. "How are you going to pull it off?" Amanda grinned and Sady said, "Never mind, I don't want to know. This way when he accuses me of scheming I won't have to come up with an excuse."

  "See, you're learning," Amanda said encouragingly. "Now let's go pester Handsome about supper. I don't want left over fish!"

  They went to the Knight's campsite and played cards at the picnic table. "You want to play strip poker?" Amanda asked Harry.

  "No, he doesn't," CJ said. Amanda grinned and winked at Harry.

  "What can I say? It never hurts to ask," she teased.

  "Easy for you to say," Harry replied. "It hurts plenty when CJ takes it out on me!" They played cards until Amanda got hungry.

  "So, what's for supper?" she asked with a sigh. "Hardtack, whale blubber, pickled beets... pork rind?"

  "It's a surprise," Harry announced.

  "It's all been a surprise," Amanda mumbled to Sady. "And none of it welcome! Like those letters you get from the IRS, and you tear it open thinking it's your refund, only to find a bill with penalty and interest tacked on!"

  "Wrong," CJ announced. "It's steak and potatoes. We kept the meat on dry ice."

  "Am I gonna need to kill you now or later?" Amanda asked. "You've been feeding me stuff that no digestive system should ever have to experience, and you've been holding back the real food? It's no wonder those bathrooms smell so bad! Stubbles doesn't need to eat. I could have had his portion one night! Where's the food? I'll help cook, Handsome!"

  "Now this is camping food," Amanda announced as they ate. She turned to Sady and said, "If they'd brought the big boy motor-home I ordered we could have eaten like this every night. And your hair wouldn't look like straw." She was interrupted by a few sprinkles of rain. She gave Sady a knowing look. "Didn't I tell you? We're all in for a real peach of a night. Since I cooked, I'm free to leave and go back to the tent, although I have my doubts about it staying dry." She left and ran for the tent as the downpour started.

  "Look on the bright side," Matt told Sady with a grin. "You don't look like a scarecrow any more- just a rag doll." Sady stayed to help clean up and then ran to join Amanda in their tent.

  "I'm never going to dry out," she told Amanda as she wiped the rain from her face.

  Amanda raised her bottle. "Amen, sister!" Sady looked closer at Amanda.

  "How much have you had?" she asked in awe. Amanda sounded... almost drunk. Amanda giggled and lifted her bottle again.

  "Not enough. Give me a little time. You want some?"

  Sady shook her head. "I think one of us needs to be sober in case the tent floats away."

  "Bottoms up," Amanda yelled. She continued drinking steadily through the evening, and she snored through the night while it poured outside. Sady sighed as she moved the tent contents again to keep them from getting wet. She marveled at Amanda's bladder. Apparently it exceeded her tolerance for alcohol. She finally fell asleep, and then she heard the distinctive sounds of Harry and CJ tearing down their camp.

  Matt unzipped their tent and Sady hissed. He laughed and set down two mugs of coffee, then zipped their tent back up. Sady looked at Amanda who was now half awake. "Amanda?" she asked. "Are you okay?" Amanda shook her head, then grabbed it. Sady handed her a cup of coffee and stepped out into the chilly morning air.

  "Beautiful morning," the bird watchers said as they passed by. Sady gave them a grumpy look after they passed and said something in a low voice.

  "I heard that Sandy-Sue," Matt said. "That wasn't a nice reply."

  "That's because it's not a beautiful morning!" she snapped. "I spent the night moving everything in the tent so it wouldn't get wet, Amanda snored all night, and now she's got a hangover! Give me one of your granola bars, Stubbles. If I have to eat powdered eggs I'm going to lock myself in one of those potty ports!"

  "Be nice," he warned. "I came to help you tear things down, not get abused."

  Sady kissed him on the cheek, then held out her hand and asked, "Now can I get a granola bar?" He grinned and pulled one from his pocket. She gave him a hug, and he asked what she'd do for a real breakfast.

  "This is a real breakfast," she said. "Someone's going to have to remove Amanda from the tent. I don't know if she can walk."

  Matt burst out laughing. "This is a first! I've never seen Amanda drunk. Hell, I've never seen her tipsy. We need to take her camping more often!" Amanda crawled out of the tent and gave Matt a mean look.

  Sady rushed to her side. "Are you okay?"

  "Just put me someplace dry and I'll let you know," she said in a wan voice.

  "We'll be back," Sady told Matt and snickered at the astonishment on his face.

  "Again, I'd like to know- how did this happen?" he called as the women left him to tear down the tent by himself. Sady parked Amanda in the Knight's SUV and went back to help Matt. By that time Harry and CJ had finished, so they set Sady to the side and helped Matt.

  "Sorry, Sassafras," Matt told her. "You're more of a hindrance than a help."

  Chapter 8

  An hour later Sady shook her head and asked, "You still think this is fun? You all need to get a life!" Soon she paced rapidly. "How much longer?"

  Harry slammed the tailgate of the SUV. "We're all set, Miss Impatient." He looked in the SUV and continued, "Ah, Matt? I think you left something in here."

  Matt leaned over to see Amanda in the backseat, sitting like a zombie. "Oh, no! I am not taking her in that condition. Come on, Sady. Run fast or we'll be stuck with Amanda."

  Amanda tapped on the window and rolled it down, motioning Matt to lean down. "Here," she said, placing an item in his hand.

  He looked at it with suspicion. "What's this?" he snapped.

  "The key to the RV. It has to be driven to Brighton for storage," Amanda said. "Who has aspirin? I need my sunglasses!"

  Matt glared at Amanda. "I knew you were faking it!" She opened the door and puked on the ground. He jumped back, barely avoiding the spatter.

  "That does it," CJ announced. She pointed to Amanda. "You- get out of my vehicle and go crawl into that thing you rented. Meadows, you made the deal to drive Amanda home, so that means you're driving that piece of... a piece. Give me your truck keys unless you want lead foot Morrow behind the wheel. And don't ask what happened! You've been outmaneuvered by the women again, so take it like a man and see if that junker will even start!" CJ snatched the truck keys from Matt and pushed Amanda toward the RV.

  Sady tried to follow CJ and Matt grabbed her by the neck. "Oh, no you don't! You're not leaving me alone with a half-drunk and hung-over Amanda. You're riding shotgun." He hauled her to the RV. Amanda already climbed in and sprawled on the bed.

  Sady giggled when the front door screamed in protest. The springs and padding in the seats were long gone. Matt closed his eyes and chanted, "Please don't start, please don't start!" He put the key in the ignition and turned the switch. The engine whined a few seconds, and he shot Sady a look of happiness... then the engine caught and a cloud of smoke belched out the tailpipe.

  "Piece of sh..."

  "Shame on you!" Sady scolded him. He sent acid looks at CJ and Harry who laughed as they passed the RV, still blowing smoke.

  Sady tried not to laugh, but she couldn't
help it when he yelled, "The damn shocks are gone! All we need is for Amanda to puke all over this thing because of the bumpy ride."

  Amanda was moaning in the back and she yelled for Matt to slow down. Sady giggled again as he filled the air with curses. They followed Harry and CJ to the expressway and got on the road leading home. Sady gave Matt a worried look. "Uh, Matt? The minimum speed is 45."

  "Yeah, thanks I can read!" he snarled. "I've got it floored. Maybe you and Amanda can get out and push." Within a minute the flashing lights of a state police car had him swearing again. The trooper tapped on the driver's window and Matt turned the crank handle. It came off in his hand, so he handed it to Sady and opened the door a crack.

  "Is there a problem, sir?" the state trooper asked.

  Matt opened his mouth and Sady reached over to cover it. "You're gonna end up in jail," she warned. She handed the officer the rental agreement and Matt handed over his license. The officer took them to his vehicle, then returned and handed the items back to them.

  "You are aware the minimum for the expressway is 45, aren't you?" he asked Matt.

  "Did she call you?" he glared, while Sady smiled at the officer. "It won't go any faster!"

  "Then I'm afraid you'll have to take an alternate route. This thing is a traffic hazard," the officer said. "I'll escort you to the next exit." Matt's face was red, and the air was blue as the police escort followed with his lights flashing and siren blasting.

  "Why doesn't he just use the loudspeaker?" Matt asked sarcastically.

  "Sir, it's safe to exit now. Make sure you stay off the expressway," the trooper said over his loudspeaker. Sady doubled over with laughter.

  "You won't think it's so funny when it takes us twice as long to get home," he told her as the corner of his mouth twitched. A half hour later he told her the brakes didn't seem right. "I don't know if I can stop for that light, Sady," he yelled. She reached over with her long leg and mashed his foot on the gas pedal.

  He turned white. "What are you doing?"

  "Getting us home. If you stop for every red light, we'll never make it," she warned.

  "We'll never make it if I don't stop for the red lights," he yelled.

  "Hey, keep it steady, will you?" Amanda hollered from the back. "You're making me spill my booze!"

  "Sandy-Sue, if you value your life you'll go back there and take that bottle away from her, or I'm going to drive this thing off the next bridge," he threatened. Sady unbuckled and climbed to the back to wrestle the bottle from Amanda. She accidentally bumped his arm, and the RV swerved over the center line. "Watch out!" he snapped as the motor-home fishtailed over the road. Sady ignored him and went to see Amanda.

  "The bed's flat," Amanda complained. "It's a good thing I brought the bubbly! It's not flat," she laughed.

  "Let me try," Sady said. When Amanda handed her the bottle Sady opened a window, surprised that it worked, and tossed the bottle out.

  "What did you do?" Matt asked. "Don't you know that's illegal?"

  "So's running a red light," she reminded him as she climbed back into the front seat.

  Another siren had him saying, "I'm going to kill you and Amanda, then shove your chopped up bodies down a vault toilet! This wreck is going down after you- in pieces as well!" He cracked the door when the officer tapped on the window.

  "Sir, were you aware that you just ran a red light a few miles back?"

  Sady put her hand over his mouth again. "It's a good thing we got rid of that bottle of booze, isn't it?" she asked Matt, with a smile at the officer.

  Matt just leaned his head onto the steering wheel with a thump.

  "Ma'am, do you have an open bottle of alcohol in this vehicle?" the officer asked.

  "No, I threw it out the window a few miles back. Not long after we ran the red light."

  "Really? Is there anything else you'd like to admit?"

  "No..., yes. I made him swerve over the center line by accident when I unbuckled," Sady said with a nervous giggle.

  "I see. Have you two been to a party?"

  Amanda stumbled to the front of the RV and leaned down to look at the officer. "We just got out of hell," she announced. "Wasn't no party going on where we were!" She nudged Sady and asked, "Is he a real officer or an impostor? I didn't get to see his butt."

  The officer's face turned red and Matt shook his head, still resting on the steering wheel.

  "Buddy, normally I'd run your plates and license but I can see you've already got your hands full. Probably more than you can handle- especially the one in back. Just take it easy, will you?"

  Amanda yelled, "You might be an officer, but you're no gentleman!"

  "Are you sure you want to take her home? I can cool her down for 24 hours in a cell," the cop offered.

  Matt grinned and Sady jabbed him in the ribs. "No, thank you," she told the cop. "We, uh... appreciate the offer but it won't be necessary."

  "My father's an attorney," Amanda yelled.

  "Probably a good thing," the officer whispered to Matt.

  "She earns frequent flyer miles," Matt agreed, thanking the officer with a sigh of relief. He ordered Amanda back to her spot and glared at Sady.

  "Are you trying to get me arrested?" he asked. "Because you're going to be driving this thing if that happens." Sady smiled and agreed to behave. He gave her a suspicious look, and she patted his cheek.

  With a deep breath and a sense of doom Matt pulled the RV back onto the road. Less than an hour later the vehicle shuddered violently and tilted at an awkward angle. The sound of metal screaming on the pavement reminded Sady of her accident with the Wienie Wagon. Matt fought the steering wheel, trying to keep the RV on the road. Amanda screeched as she bounced off the bed.

  Sady looked in the side mirror and saw sparks flying off the back of the vehicle. In the distance she saw a tire bouncing off the side of the road, into a field. "Something fell off," she yelled to Matt.

  He gave her a nasty look. When he brought the RV to a stop he wiped the sweat from his brow and yelled back, "You think?"

  Amanda hopped to the front of the now listing vehicle. "What did you do? If you ruined this thing you're gonna pay for the damages."

  "There's nothing left to ruin," he screamed in frustration.

  Another siren and flashing lights. Sady started laughing and Amanda joined her. "It's not funny," Matt yelled as he cracked the door for the grinning officer.

  "If you're trying to plow the road, you're doing a pretty good job," the officer said.

  "Something fell off," Sady explained to the officer. "I think it was the tire. Can you go find it so we can put it back on?"

  "Ma'am, something didn't just fall off. Something broke- like your axle. This vehicle isn't going anywhere without a tow truck,” he laughed

  "Well, thank God something finally went my way," Matt said. "Sady, you'd better call Harry and CJ because they are driving back to pick us up. Amanda, if you have roadside service you'd better start using those dialing fingers because I'm bailing on this bucket as soon as my ride gets here. If the tow truck hasn't made it by then, you're on your own."

  "What am I supposed to tell the rental agency?" Amanda asked.

  "Call your father and threaten to sue!" he suggested in a snotty tone.

  "Ooh, that might work," she said. "I'm gonna call him first and let him deal with this thing."

  "You aren't abandoning this vehicle and leaving it for the state to take care of, are you?" the officer asked.

  "Wouldn't think of it," Matt said with a wave of his hand.

  "Is there anything I can do for you folks? Can I call someone to pick you up?"

  "We're all set, thanks," Matt said, smiling for the first time since he got behind the wheel. The officer left and Matt continued, "We aren't waiting for that tow truck," he told the women. "As soon as our ride gets here, we're leaving this death trap on the side of the road with the keys in it... and I don't care who has to take care of it. I think the State of Michigan owes us one, anyw
ay."

  While they waited Amanda climbed to the back and slept on the bed. Sady paced around outside, and Matt grabbed the rental contract since it was the only thing to read. A few minutes later his face turned red. Another few minutes and it was nearly purple. His roar brought Amanda out of her sleep to scold him.

  He turned to her and yelled, "Did you even read this thing?"

  "My father's a lawyer, Stubbles. What do you think?"

  With a shaking hand he pointed to a paragraph and tossed the papers to Sady. "Why don't you fill your illiterate friend in on the details? Start with the last paragraph!" he steamed.

  Sady read the paragraph and put her hand over her mouth. She flicked her gaze to Amanda then Matt. "Oops," she said.

  "Oops? That's not what it says," he shouted taking the contract from Sady's hand. "It says this thing is going for salvage, not storage, Amanda! And for twenty bucks the local dealer would have hauled it to the scrap yard! It's not funny! This thing nearly killed us all."

  Amanda rolled off the bed and dug through her purse. She motioned for Sady to step close. When she did so Amanda handed her something and Sady shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea," she whispered. Amanda snatched it from Sady and marched to Matt. She shoved a twenty-dollar bill in his shirt pocket.

  "There- we're even," she told him. "Now shut up and quit whining so I can get back to sleep." Matt tore up the rental agreement and paced outside with Sady. He soon stopped shaking, and eventually his face turned from purple to red. By the time Harry and CJ arrived his color returned to normal.

  They waited over an hour for their rescue and CJ was crabby at having to backtrack. Matt looked at Harry and pointed to CJ and Amanda. "They're yours," he said flatly. "I'm not taking either of them in my truck." Harry opened his mouth to protest and Matt said, "Keep it up and I'll throw in Sady as well."

  He ignored the snotty looks and told Sady she'd better step on it or he’d leave without her.