Final Score (Madison Howlers #5)

by Camellia Tate

  Inside, the locker room was surprisingly neat. There was a plush carpet, complete with the Howlers’ badge, and little cubby holes for each player. They had labels, and most contained hockey equipment of some kind or other.

  While Emily and Tanya squeed over names like ‘Oakley’ and ‘Lewis’, I walked down the row until I found ‘Popov’.

  He followed me, and I looked up. “This is not what I pictured,” I admitted. It made me realize how big a deal the NHL was. “How does it compare to locker rooms in Russia?” I asked.

  “It’s pretty similar,” he commented. “I mean, I’ve only seen the National team ones, but hockey’s as big a thing in Russia as it is here.” Which I knew. Even in the single year I’d spent in Russia, people had talked about hockey. The Olympics were a huge thing everywhere, of course. From what I understood, KHL was pretty much like the NHL was here.

  Lev laughed at how excitedly Tanya seemed to be inspecting everything. He turned to give me a grin. “Are you enjoying this tour? Your sister and Tanya’s excitement is pretty contagious.”

  I could have pointed out that the tour had only just begun. I didn’t. Something about the way Lev looked at me made me want to reassure him. This trip was for Tanya and Emily, but it made my heart glow to think that Lev still wanted to ensure that I had a good time.

  “I am,” I promised. “I like getting to see where you spend your time.” Of course, I’d seen the ice itself. Getting to see this ‘backstage’ area felt different. More intimate. And not because I could see the door to the showers in the corner of my eye.

  I wasn’t thinking about Lev getting undressed in here. I was thinking about him forging bonds with his teammates, how they’d welcomed him in even when his English hadn’t been as good as it was now.

  “It’s like another home for you, isn’t it?” I asked.

  Looking around just like I had, Lev smiled. “It is,” he agreed. “It’s not something I think about but yeah, it’s definitely home away from home.” The way he smiled at that thought made me grin. He fit here. I wouldn’t have been able to see that unless I had come on this tour with Emily and Tanya.

  “Alright, next on the tour is the owner’s box, you get to see the view they get of the ice,” Lev announced, much to Tanya’s ‘ooh’ing excitement. We made our way back to the corridor. Lev did pause briefly to show us the guest team’s changing room, too. It was a lot duller. He explained that those were the rules.

  I hadn’t thought of it, but apparently, it was in the NHL regulations that you couldn’t paint the opposing team’s locker room in distracting colors.

  What made me laugh most about that was that I could imagine a team doing just that, thinking they were being clever, only to end up with the NHL creating a regulation against it.

  Like the changing room had been, the owner’s box was a lot more luxurious than I’d expected. Lev got us good seats to come to watch the games, but we’d still been in the standard plastic chairs, the floor sticky with spilled beer under our feet. It was part of the experience, Tanya had said.

  But not for the owners. They had leather seats and recessed lighting, not to mention the most amazing view.

  “Oh, wow,” Tanya breathed. She looked as though she couldn’t quite believe she was allowed to be there, drinking everything in with wide eyes. “The ice is so smooth. I’ve never been in here when it wasn’t full of people.”

  I hadn’t, either.

  “How do you resist the urge to grab your skates when it’s quiet like this?” I asked Lev. I’d only ever been to public skates, dodging around little kids and couples, trying to make sure no one lost their feet and took me down with them. It must feel so much more freeing to be able to skate on the ice when it was empty.

  “Sometimes, I don’t,” Lev shrugged. “But most of the time, I’m not here on my own. Usually, the other guys are, too, and it’s all before practice.” That made sense. It was their job to skate.

  Tanya drew Lev’s attention with some questions about the team owners, some of which he clearly didn’t even know how to answer. But Lev was honest about that, telling Tanya when he didn’t know.

  “Do we get to go on the ice?” Emily asked, her eyes wide.

  Lev laughed at that but then shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” he said, nodding towards the door that led to the stairs connecting the box to the rest of the arena. “I think the public skate is in half an hour. You’ve got the ice to yourself until then.”

  There was a section with skates, presumably for the public skate. Lev let us in to pick the skates out. His phone pinged and he excused himself, walking off to read whatever message had come through.

  “So, how’s this for an anniversary gift?” Emily teased.

  Both Tanya and I laughed. It was clear that this was a great present. I had no idea how Tanya was going to top it. Maybe that was the whole point. They were both so happy that I was going to have to make sure to thank Lev.

  We found skates that were the right size and were all ready to go on the ice when Lev returned. I was about to ask him if he would join us, but Lev’s expression had become serious. A frown line I’d never seen settled in his forehead.

  “I need to leave,” he said apologetically. “You’re still welcome to stay and skate, I’ll let Lily know,” he added.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked. I felt my heart lurch for Lev. What if there was a problem with his parents? Or someone else on the team? I didn’t think he would leave unless it was important.

  In all the time I’d known Lev, he might’ve arrived late to things, but he’d never made me feel like there was something more interesting that he ought to be doing.

  I wanted to offer to go with him. I realized how ridiculous that was. Whatever might have come up, Lev could handle it. He was a grown man. He didn’t need me to hold his hand.

  Even so, I wished that I could do something to ease that wrinkle between his brows.

  “Are you sure it’s okay for us to stay?” Tanya asked, perhaps picking up on the worry in my tone. We’d got our skates on already, it would take ages to get them off and put our normal shoes back on.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure.” Lev sounded distracted. “I’m really sorry I need to bail,” he added, this time more to me than Tanya and Emily. I could tell that he did feel sorry. I was about to repeat my question about whether everything was okay.

  Lev must’ve been able to see it coming because he answered before I voiced it. “Everything’s fine, I just need to go... check on a friend.” There wasn’t any room for argument there. I wondered if I should offer to go too, but it seemed like overstepping the mark.

  Reluctantly, I let him go. My head was full of questions, wondering what had pulled him away so suddenly. And so seriously. Lev hadn’t looked like it was one of his teammates having car trouble.

  Emily and Tanya didn’t notice that anything had been strange. They were still full of the joys of their anniversary, chatting happily about how amazing the tour had been, and how much they were looking forward to their anniversary dinner later.

  I smiled, slowly letting them draw me into the comfortable domesticity of their world. They held hands as they wobbled around the ice, and I rolled my eyes affectionately as they snuck kisses.

  Reminding myself that Lev was a capable man, I tried to let my worries drift away. I couldn’t completely get rid of them, but I could at least stop them from spoiling the fresh ice under my skates and the half an hour of private skate time Lev had given to us.

  Next time I saw him, maybe he’d be feeling more expansive. I hoped so. I didn’t like thinking there were things he didn’t feel like he could share with me.

  Chapter Seven

  I had enjoyed meeting Maria’s sister and her wife. Tanya’s amazement with everything hockey-related had been intoxicating. As someone who adored hockey, I definitely got that. I met a lot of fans, so I recognized that amazement in her. She hadn’t been like a lot of fans I’d met before, though. Or at least, Tanya had been v
ery good at controlling that.

  Finishing the tour with some skating on fresh ice seemed the ideal conclusion. I had honestly looked forward to it. And then Kira’s message popped up on my phone.

  Please come over. I feel awful. I need you.

  It wasn’t the first time I’d gotten messages of a similar nature. And just like every time before, I didn’t think I could say no. I wanted to, yeah. But actually messaging Kira and saying ‘no’ was not in my power.

  So I left Maria, Emily and Tanya skating and headed over to Kira’s apartment. Despite my messaging her and asking her what was wrong, there was no response. I could feel my anxiety building. Kira was... unpredictable. I worried about what I’d find when I got there.

  We might’ve broken up months ago but this was not the first time Kira had asked me to come over. Told me she needed me to come over. There was a reason why the guys didn’t much like Kira. I knew they didn’t, even if they never outright said as much.

  Despite what I thought, or even what I knew, I still went.

  “Kira!” I called out, unlocking the door with my key. A key I should’ve given back but... I worried that one day I might have to use it because she wouldn’t be able to let me in. My heart was pounding, unsure what I’d find.

  I walked through to the living room, the sound of TV drawing my attention. Some American soap was on. Kira was curled up on the couch, a blanket pulled up to her face. “Kira,” I repeated, approaching her.

  It seemed to draw her attention this time. She looked up with a smile. “Oh! Lev! You came!” From her excited tone, I took that to mean that she was not in anywhere near as much distress as her message had implied.

  “Why did you ask me to come over?” I asked, doing my best not to make it sound like I was snapping at her. I wasn’t very successful. Not if the way Kira flinched was any indication. “Sorry,” I said instinctively.

  This was what it was always like. I said the wrong thing or I did the wrong thing. Kira had an uncanny ability to make me feel as bad as she could make me feel good. “Why did you ask me over, Kira?” I asked, more calmly this time.

  The way she shrugged was almost adorable. And I knew that was a thought that belonged with all the reasons I always came over when Kira asked.

  “I missed you,” she said, making me sigh.

  “Kira, we’ve talked about this...” I started. She pouted at me. It shouldn’t have worked, but it did. I sighed then, feeling defeat spread through me. “Fine,” I said, kicking my shoes off and walking over so I could sit down next to her on the couch. “But we’re not watching this shit,” I informed her.

  Instead, I found some action movie on the TV. Once it was half-finished, I went to make Kira dinner. Over it, she told me how she hadn’t eaten in days, how things just seemed so hard.

  With Kira, things were often hard. No matter how much I tried, it was like fighting a waterfall. She seemed better, she ate when I was around. By the end of the movie, I’d even gotten her to laugh. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel like the moment I left she’d regress. The sadness in her eyes would return. And it’d all feel like my fault again, like things could improve if only I stayed longer.

  “But you’ll stay for a bit, right?” Kira asked as she reached to set down the bowl I’d served her food in. “We can play some video games? I’ll let you beat me,” she teased like she’d ever been able to beat me in the first place. When I hesitated with my answer, Kira bumped her shoulder against mine.

  “Come on,” she urged. “I feel better when you’re here.” Her tone was soft, almost begging. There was no way I could refuse that.

  “Yeah, alright.” I nodded and the smile she gave me in return warmed me to the core. When things were good, I loved spending time with Kira. It was a dangerous path and I knew that, but...

  Maybe tomorrow she’d feel better and I could talk to her about getting help. About finding someone who could fix the endless sadness she seemed to feel. Someone who didn’t feel so guilty about not being able to fix it.

  But today, we’d play video games.

  I knew I owed Maria an apology for running out on her, Emily and Tanya. But first, the Howlers had a game. That took priority. It was three days before I had a chance to see Maria again. I had messaged her and she seemed okay with me having left so suddenly. I presumed that she was just being nice.

  As an apology, I invited Maria out for dinner at Babushka, something I was sure she wouldn’t turn down. When we met, I felt almost nervous. Or maybe guilty. I had never been very good at distinguishing the two feelings.

  “Lev! Masha! You’re back!” Anya exclaimed when we arrived. It was hard not to laugh at such an enthusiastic welcome.

  “How could we stay away?” I teased her as she showed us to our seats. After a quick chat, Anya bustled off to prepare the food we’d ordered, leaving us to our own devices. The anxiety that had been briefly muted by all the chat in Russian swooped back in with vengeance.

  I fidgeted with the hem of the table cloth. “So, about last time,” I began. “I know you said it’s cool, but I really am very sorry about bailing on you and your sister and Tanya.”

  Maria shook her head, her foot finding mine under the table and giving it a little push. “It’s fine, Lev, really,” she assured. “Tanya hasn’t stopped talking about the tour and getting to meet you in person. I think she’s cooked up four or five different ideas of how she can try to top this next year.”

  I paused, frowning to try and see if there was more annoyance under the surface of Maria’s kind words. I felt like there should be. It had been rude, leaving her just because Kira was having a sad day.

  But of course, Maria didn’t know that.

  “Was everything okay, though?” she asked, her expression suddenly concerned. “You said a friend needed something. Was it serious?”

  My first instinct was to tell Maria that of course, it had been serious. But then I’d have to explain how and why. On the other hand, it wasn’t true. Kira had been... Kira. Overreacting and overdramatizing the situation. It didn’t feel right to lie to Maria.

  If she honestly didn’t mind - even if I still felt like she should - then I didn’t want to give her a reason to mind. “It wasn’t too serious,” I said, finding the middle ground. “My friend... I...” If I told Maria the truth, she’d think badly of me.

  Not being able to say no when your ex called you over was pretty shitty, right? Especially considering how many times Kira had not been an ex and then been an ex again. The guys on the team teased me about it. They thought it was stupid of me to care for Kira so much.

  I didn’t want to give Maria a reason to think that, too. I realized just how much I cared what she thought of me.

  “Do you mind if we don’t talk about it?” I asked instead.

  That would be much easier.

  Maria’s eyes widened. I could tell it wasn’t the answer she’d expected. And why should it be? So far, I’d never asked her not to talk about any part of my life. There was nothing else that I wanted to hide from her.

  But this… I didn’t think I could explain it easily. Thinking about it, dissecting it over dinner, would only make me feel worse.

  Maria reached up, fingers tangling in the necklace that she wore.

  “Are you sure?” she pressed. “It might help to talk to someone who’s not… involved.”

  She was probably right. But... Kira was complicated and so was my relationship with her. It wasn’t my place to explain her mental health issues. Or maybe that, too, was just an excuse not to tell Maria more. I felt guilty for thinking that. Hiding things - even if this wasn’t really hiding something - wasn’t a very nice thing to do.

  “I appreciate that,” I said finally. I did appreciate her offer. Yet, at the same time, I just didn’t feel like I could open up to her about this. She would tell me the same thing that my teammates told me - leave Kira and her problems behind. But I couldn’t do that. “I’m sorry, I just... I don’t want to talk about it.”

/>   Maria smiled at me. One which didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Of course,” she agreed. Her frown still looked concerned. I did my best to ignore it, wishing Anya hadn’t taken the menus with her when she left. I would have liked to have something to do with my hands that was more than picking at the tablecloth.

  “Tanya had a great time,” Maria repeated, still fiddling with the little locket on her necklace. “She hasn’t stopped talking about you. If you were a woman, I think Emily would be a little jealous.” She seemed to notice the fidgeting of her own hands, laying them carefully on the table. “But I guess, if you were a woman then you wouldn’t be on the Madison Howlers.”

  My mind was a little too distracted to figure out what to say in response to that. Maria noticed my silence. I could see it in her expression. “So, how was your game?” she asked. “I know you won. Was it a good win?”

  At least that I always knew what to reply to. Hockey was easy to talk about. “It was a good game.” I nodded. I was glad it had been, too, because my mind hadn’t been fully there. “And I’m glad Tanya enjoyed herself. I liked showing you all around,” I added truthfully. I didn’t want Maria to think I had left because of them.

  “Emily and Tanya seem really nice,” I commented. “Not that I’m surprised. You always talk so highly about your sister.” Which was nice, I liked hearing Maria talk about Emily. Her sister was clearly her best friend. It was easy to hear that in how she talked about her. “What sort of suggestions has Tanya come up with?” I asked, to show that I was listening. It seemed very important just then.

  “Oh, each one seems more impractical than the last,” Maria answered. “Not that I’ve told Tanya that, of course. I don’t want to be the one to pour cold water over her ideas.” Maria leaned back. I felt as though she were watching me. I could have been imagining it. Nonetheless, I tried to make sure I looked interested.

  “She suggested she could get Emily into a celebrity chef’s kitchen to cook a meal with them. I think she’s hoping that next year I might rescue Gordon Ramsay from the side of the road.” She grinned at me, making me chuckle, glad for some lightness in our conversation.