Ashes to Ashes

by Jenny Han

  I feel him untying my bikini bottoms. “Is this okay?”

  I’m nervous, my heart is racing, but I don’t want him to stop, so I keep my eyes closed and say, “Mm-hm.”

  Then he’s touching me, and my eyes fly open, and I jerk against his hand. For the first time I’m glad about how many other girls he’s been with, because he’s so good at this. At making me feel good. Nothing has ever felt better than this. I press my face into his shoulder so I don’t gasp out loud. And then I feel him against me, and he asks one more time. “Are you sure? Because I love you and I’ll wait as long as you want.”

  I look right into his eyes. With my eyes I tell him how much I trust him. How glad I am that it’s him. “Yes. I want you to be the first. My real first.”

  He kisses me on the mouth, so sweetly, and he pushes inside me, and it hurts, just a little. I bite my lip. He kisses me again, and he’s moving, and I’m moving with him, and the pain is starting to fade away, and I just feel joyous. So this is what it feels like to give yourself to someone you love. My eyes well up and I wipe them on Reeve’s shoulder.

  After, he rests his cheek on my chest and closes his eyes. I know what he’s doing. He’s listening to my heartbeat. “I want to be with you forever, Lillia.”

  * * *

  On the way home Reeve keeps asking if I’m okay. I tell him yes, yes, I’m fine. With every second that passes, I lose my nerve to tell him the truth.

  When I get inside, there’s a note from my mom on the fridge saying she and my dad and Nadia went out for dinner and a movie, which makes me feel relieved. This sounds so silly, but what if they’re able to sense that something is different about me? I heard that after you lose your virginity, you look different.

  I feel different. When I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the foyer mirror, I see it. Flushed cheeks, shiny eyes. I look like a girl in love.

  My lip starts to quiver. I am a girl in love. And I’m afraid of what that means for us.

  I run upstairs to my room, my phone in my hand. It suddenly buzzes with a text from Reeve.

  Home safe and sound. You?

  I’m ready to text him back, just like he asked. I flip on the light switch, and then I let out a scream.

  My room is completely trashed. Clothes are everywhere. My down pillows have been slashed open and feathers float through the air. The belly of my stuffed rabbit has been slashed too, and his beany insides spill out onto the carpet. My perfume bottle is shattered on the vanity table; glass is everywhere. My dollhouse is smashed.

  And there is Mary, sitting cross-legged on my floor in the middle of it all.

  Oh my God.

  I back away from her, my whole body trembling. Taking deep, gulping breaths of air, I manage to get out the words “Why did you do this?”

  “Why? Because Reeve killed me. He killed me, Lillia. You’re in love with a murderer.”

  I reel backward. “Get out! Get out right now!”

  “And go where? Reeve Tabatsky took everything from me.” She lifts her head and looks at me and says, “I hung myself that day, just like I told you. But I didn’t survive. I’m dead. You can go to the cemetery and see my gravestone. Elizabeth Mary Donovan Zane.” And then she stumbles to her feet, walks through my bedroom wall, and walks back in.

  I scream and scream and scream. I put my hands over my ears. “Stop! This isn’t real. It isn’t real.” I’m dreaming. This is just another nightmare. This isn’t happening. I clench my hands into the tightest fists, my fingernails piercing my palms. Please wake up, I tell myself. Wake up, wake up.

  When I open my eyes, Mary is standing right in front of me. “Touch me,” she says. “Think about it. You never have. You’ve never once touched me.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head.

  And then I feel something, some force pushing my arm up. I try to pull my arm back down, but I can’t; the force is too strong. “Touch me,” she says again. This time it’s an order, one I can’t refuse.

  Even though she looks as alive as the day I met her, I reach out to her, my fingers trembling—and my hand slips right through her like she’s made of mist. I scream.

  My phone rings. It’s Reeve.

  I try to hide my phone behind my back, but in an instant Mary’s next to me, looking down at the screen. “We made a pact. We said we’d see it through till the end, but you didn’t, did you? No, you broke your word. You said you’d break up with him.”

  Dread seeps into my bones like a cold fog. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  Mary stares at me for so long, I get chills all over. “So here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to tell him it’s over. You’re going to tell him you know what he did to me, that you could never love a person who would do something like that. You’re going to say what you should have said in the first place. And Reeve will know it’s because of me.”

  I shake my head. “No. No. I can’t do that.”

  “Then I’ll kill him.”

  “You wouldn’t do that, Mary. I know you!”

  “No, you don’t. You don’t know me at all. I could have done it at the pool today. Do you want to know why I didn’t? It would’ve been too easy. Too merciful. I’d rather see him suffer.”

  The phone is ringing again.

  “It’s up to you,” she says.

  “I’ll do it!” I cry out. “I’ll tell him. I’ll do whatever you want. Just please don’t hurt him.” I try to grab her arms, but my fingers slip right through.

  A strange smile lights up her face. “Then answer the phone.”

  I let out a huge sob and swipe my finger across the screen. “Hello.”

  “Hey. What’s wrong? Why do you sound like that?”

  Tears pour down my cheeks. “I can’t be with you anymore.”

  There is a stunned silence. “What? Why not?”

  “I came to the pool today—to tell you—” I can’t stop crying. “To tell you I know what you did to that girl.”

  Anguished, he says, “What girl?”

  Mary whispers, “Big Easy.”

  “B-B-Big Easy,” I repeat. I can barely get the words out, I’m crying so hard. “She died because of you.”

  I hear a sharp intake of breath, and he chokes out, “Alex told you, didn’t he?”

  “You’re a b-b-bully. You bullied that poor girl to death. I can’t—I can’t be with someone so heartless. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Cho, please just listen to me—”

  “It’s over, Reeve.”

  “But what about today?” he whispers.

  “That was to say good-bye. So—good-bye, Reeve.” I hang up and power off my phone. “I did it,” I gasp. “It’s over. Is that enough for you? You’ll leave him alone now, won’t you, Mary?”

  She nods. “But, Lillia . . . I’ll always be here; I’ll always be watching. If you ever go back on your word again, Reeve’s life is over, and his blood will be on your hands, not mine.”

  And then she disappears.

  * * *

  It takes me hours to clean up the mess, but I finish before my parents and Nadia come back home. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. At first it’s pure adrenaline—every time I hear a noise, my whole body stiffens and I’m bracing myself, my heart racing out of my chest. But then the terror fades and I’m just thinking.

  Thinking, thinking, thinking . . .

  Thinking about what I know to be true and what I know to be impossible. It is impossible that Mary is dead. That she’s been dead all along. But it’s also true. My friend Mary is dead. She’s dead, or I’m going crazy.

  I’m not crazy. I’m not. If I’m crazy, then so is Kat. Kat’s not crazy. So I can’t be either. This is really happening.

  If I look back far enough, I can see that everything that’s happened up till now, it’s because of Mary. Because of that day in the girls’ bathroom. The revenge, Reeve getting hurt, Rennie dying, Reeve and me falling in love. Everything could have been different. Everything was supposed to
be different.

  Reeve and I were never meant to be. If not for Mary, we wouldn’t have looked twice at each other, not in a million years. Not like that. But here we are.

  Before Mary, I couldn’t stand him. So I can’t even regret it. I can’t even say that if I could go back and do it all differently, I would. Because if I say that, then I erase the love I feel for him in my heart, I erase every perfect moment, every time he looked at me like I was the only girl in the room. In the world. I can’t do that. I wouldn’t have done one thing differently, because what I did gave me him. What we had was perfect, and it was finite in the way that all good things are. Nothing gold can stay. I take off the necklace Reeve gave me and then I cry until the sun comes up. For what could have been and what will never be.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  MARY

  HONESTLY, IT’S A GOOD THING that Lillia’s so in love with Reeve and vice versa. It makes this whole plan so much easier. Threaten his life and she’ll do anything I ask. Have Lillia spear him in his most vulnerable place and it’s an instant mortal wound. Better than anything I could inflict, because it cuts him deepest.

  I will myself to Reeve’s bedroom, and when I get there, it’s empty.

  But then I hear a thud. And another. And another. They get harder and harder, these thuds, constant and steady like a metronome. They are so hard they vibrate through the bedroom, shake the change on his change plate, rattle the cup of pencils on his desk.

  I follow the beating to just outside Reeve’s private bathroom.

  The water is on, and steam billows out past the partially open door. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I walk inside.

  Reeve’s shower has glass doors. They are rippled and frosted, so you can’t see straight through them. But I can definitely make out his shape on the other side. The color of his skin. The shape of his butt. His fists pounding against the tiled walls.

  I climb up onto the toilet, sit on the tank, and listen as the water falls. He punches and punches, and then, when I’m sure his fists must be so tender, he sink down and begins to sob.

  I could almost feel bad for him, but I won’t, because this is just the beginning.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  LILLIA

  DADDY WAKES ME UP WITH a knock on my door in the morning. I don’t remember falling asleep. “Lilli,” he says. “Reeve’s outside.”

  He walks over to my window. I get out of bed and follow him. Down on the street, in front of our house, is Reeve’s truck. He’s sitting inside the cab, eyes looking up to my window.

  I take a big step back.

  Awkwardly Daddy says, “I saw him when I went out to grab the paper. I invited him in for breakfast, but he wouldn’t come. I think he’s been out there all night. Did you two have a fight?”

  “We broke up.”

  Daddy’s eyes widen. “Are you all right? Do you, um, want me to call your mom in here?”

  “I’m fine,” I tell him. “Can you tell him to go?” My dad nods and leaves.

  I stand at the window and watch my dad send Reeve away. Then I turn my cell phone back on. It explodes with text messages, and each one breaks my heart.

  Please don’t do this.

  I’m coming over.

  Outside.

  I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait here all night if I have to.

  Cho, please. I love you.

  And finally . . .

  You’re killing me.

  No, Reeve. I’m trying to save you.

  I watch him drive away. But the relief I feel is short-lived, because my phone rings again, and it’s Reeve. I hit ignore, and I get back into bed. I lie on my side and cry and cry.

  Nadia comes in at one point and climbs into bed with me. I keep my back to her, and she snuggles up against me. “Just talk to him,” she says. “You guys love each other. Whatever it is, you can work it out.”

  But we can’t. Not if I want him to live.

  We both fall asleep, and then I hear my phone ring and I grab it and check to see if it’s Reeve. But it’s not him; it’s Kat. She must be back from Uncle Tim’s boat. I want to tell her everything so bad. She’s the one person who would understand. But I’m terrified that if I make one false move, this whole thing will come crashing down and Mary will just kill Reeve.

  The phone stops ringing, and then it buzzes. A text from Kat.

  Ahoy! Land ho! Did ya miss me? Call me so we can hang.

  I can’t see Kat, not yet. Kat will question me, she’ll press me for details, and I’m a horrible liar. She’ll know right away that something’s not right. I’ll just have to avoid her until I figure out what I’m going to say.

  Chapter Forty

  KAT

  THE FIRST DAY BACK AFTER spring break, I go looking for Lil as soon as I get to school. I can’t wait to show her how sick my tan lines are. But before I find her, Ms. Chirazo stops me in the hallway and says, “We have a situation.”

  “Huh?”

  She takes me by the arm. “Come with me.”

  I follow her quickly to her office with a terrible feeling in my stomach. “Is this about Oberlin?”

  “Yes, I’m afraid it is,” she says, closing the door behind me. “Have you heard anything from admissions?”

  “No.” It was such a bummer. Alex docked the boat, and I just had this feeling that I’d come home to news. But there was no letter, no e-mail. “I mean, I haven’t checked e-mail yet today, but—”

  “Here. Use my computer.”

  I sit down and check, and there’s nothing.

  She bites on the arm of her glasses. “That’s good. That means they haven’t rejected you yet.”

  “Yet?” I run my hands through my hair.

  Then Ms. Chirazo has me log in to the Oberlin website and check the status of my application. Incomplete.

  “Incomplete? What the f—”

  “Katherine,” she warns.

  “I don’t get it. I sent in everything they asked for.”

  “I checked your files today, just on a whim. And thank goodness I did. We never did get a hard copy of your recommendation letter. And I just had this feeling.”

  “I don’t get it. Danner said she’d send it in after the benefit.”

  “Did anything happen that would make her rethink giving you a recommendation?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?” she asks again, all distrusting.

  “I swear, I’ve been a freaking saint. A perfect volunteer.”

  Ms. Chirazo leans back in her creaky chair. “Between this and the smoking, it’s almost like you’re trying to sabotage your chances at Oberlin.”

  I shake my head emphatically. “No! I want off this island more than you know.” Except, when I say the words, I know that’s not true. I mean, I’m going to college, obviously. But after spring break, I don’t know. I was actually excited to see Jar Island again, to be home with Pat and Dad, to come to school today.

  It’s crazy.

  “Well, you’re almost out of time, Kat.” She points at the calendar. “That letter needs to be postmarked today if you want it included in your application. They make all their final decisions by April fifteenth.”

  Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

  “Okay,” I say. “I’m on it.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  LILLIA

  WHEN I DROVE INTO THE school parking lot this morning, there he was. Waiting for me right out front by the doors. He looked for my necklace, which I wasn’t wearing. I tried to hurry past, but he stopped me and begged me to talk to him. To let him try to explain. I kept shaking my head, and by the end of it we were both crying. Alex walked by, and I could tell he was wondering what was going on, but he kept going. The bell rang and Reeve finally let me go, but then when I walk out of first period, there he is again.

  “Cho, I’m begging you,” he says. “Please, for God’s sake, talk to me.”

  “I already told you I don’t want to talk to you.”

  He throw
s his head back in frustration. “Fuck! I love you, Cho. And you love me, so let’s just—let’s just go somewhere and figure it out!”

  People are slowing down and looking. They’re looking at us. I grip my books harder. “There’s nothing to figure out! Just leave me alone!” I start walking away, and Reeve runs in front of me and blocks my path. “Get out of my way,” I say.

  “No. Not until we talk!”

  “You never want to talk, and now all of a sudden you want to talk. Well, it’s too late, okay?” I try to move around him, but he blocks my way again.

  I see Alex walking in our direction, and I think he’s just going to keep going, but then he stops short. “Dude, let her go,” he says.

  Reeve’s eyes practically go black. “It was you, wasn’t it? You told her. You shady piece-of-shit motherfucker.”

  “What are you talking—”

  And then Reeve punches Alex in the face, so hard that Alex goes stumbling backward.

  I scream, and then I run over to Alex. His nose is bleeding freely, he’s holding his arm to his face, and the blood is soaking through his shirt. “Oh my God, Alex. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” I say. My hands are shaking as I fumble in my bag for a tissue, and then I try to wipe up his face, but he moves away from me.

  “You’re crazy!” he yells at Reeve.

  Mr. Mayurnik is already hustling Reeve away to the principal’s office.

  “I’m so sorry,” I keep saying, over and over.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  MARY

  FOR THE REST OF THE day, the fight is all anyone can talk about. I roam the halls, eavesdropping on whispered conversations, looking over the shoulders of people writing texts. Reeve sucker-punched his former best friend. Obviously Lillia was involved somehow.

  But no one can figure out why.

  There are plenty of guesses. Reeve cheated on Lillia. Lillia cheated on Reeve with Alex. Her father said he wasn’t good enough for her.

  Every guess is bad. But not as bad as the truth.