Standing on My Brother's Shoulders

by Tara J Lal

  ‘A deeply affecting memoir. Tara’s courageous book tracks the nature and process of destruction, and more than this, the crucial reconstructions that can follow.’

  Alex Garland, Oscar-nominated film director and best-selling author

  ‘Insightful, moving and Informative’

  Jane Garvey, BBC Woman’s Hour

  ‘This is, without question, the most beautifully written, sensitive, balanced account of grieving that I have ever read. This book is going to be an absolute “must read”.’

  Patrick Casement, psychoanalyst and award-winning author

  ‘Reading Tara Lal’s book Standing on My Brother’s Shoulders affected me deeply. As a person with a lived experience of suicidal ideation, it opened my mind and memories to truly understand the impact of suicide on the family members left behind. Even though it opened some old scars, it gave me an opportunity to reflect and see things from another perspective … The wonderful part of this story has been the opportunity to learn from the book and learn from the author – an extraordinary person who continues to share her love for life and those she has lived with and for.

  Allan Sparkes, inspirational keynote speaker, best-selling author and former Deputy Commissioner of the Mental Health Commission, Australia

  ‘From the perspective of a positive psychologist, Tara’s powerful memoir offers a message of hope for those of us who have suffered the premature loss of loved ones. Her story demonstrates that it is possible not only to survive tragedy but also, ultimately, to grow from it.’

  Miriam Akhtar, author of Positive Psychology for Overcoming Depression and What is Post-Traumatic Growth?

  ‘Tara’s writing is raw, honest, beautiful and thoughtful. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has themselves experienced suicidal ideation or mental ill health as well as to anyone who loves someone who has experienced these.’

  Dr Timothy Sharp, The Happiness Institute

  ‘What a beautifully written book. Touching and sensitive and a piece that I am sure will help in a difficult time.’

  Gus Worland, radio and TV personality and founder of Gotcha4Life www.gotcha4life.org/gus

  ‘Deeply moving and profoundly sad, at times this book somehow finds a way to give you hope and show you that good can come after tragedy. Importantly, it provides a detailed, insightful and authentic account of the tsunami of destruction caused by suicide on those left in its wake – which still today often remains unspoken. It is a must read about a topic we desperately all need to understand more about to help ourselves and our families, friends and communities cope better with mental illness and strive for mental health.’

  Professor Kirsten McCaffery, Sydney University, School of Public Health

  ‘Tara’s book grabs you by the heart. The journey she has taken and the courage and humanity that shine out of this wonderful memoir are truly inspiring. Tara unflinchingly deals with difficult but universal themes: loss, need, anger – but suffusing the whole is a loving and hopeful tone. For anyone who has lost a loved one, and may be dealing with some very difficult emotions, I thoroughly recommend reading this book. It will shine a light!’

  Wanda Whitely, former Publishing Director, Harper Collins Publishers

  ‘When she was young, Tara suffered two terribly cruel losses from her life in quick succession. The compounded grief could have left her emotionally wiped out for life, but instead, she learned from it in a most profound and moving way. She is now one of the bravest people I know, a woman of great competence working as a fire-fighter, rescuing people from burning buildings. She is an emotional and physical warrior. She knows vulnerability well, but has learned how to live beyond loss, to make a meaningful life. Her story will stay with you and inspire you forever.’

  Dr Margo Orum, psychologist and author

  ‘This is the honest and at times raw telling of the story of a strong but vulnerable firefighter, as she struggles with, and is transformed by, the legacy of grief associated with the childhood loss of loved ones. Those on a similar journey will find guidance, inspiration and reassurance in this open, heartfelt book.’

  Susan Burton, psychologist

  ‘Poignant, moving, enlightening...’

  Abigail Hatherly, composer

  ‘The most beautiful and moving book I have ever read’

  Vicky Arlidge, musical comedian and composer

  ‘I was enthralled. Tara’s words are both beautiful and compelling. Her compassion, empathy and understanding for the feelings and motivations of others are truly inspirational. We can all gain something from her writing. I recommend this book to everyone I know.’

  Genevieve Elliot, author of Screaming in Silence

  ‘Rarely does an author deal with themselves and their journey with such searing honesty and insightfulness. Tara’s ability to look at her life, her thoughts, actions and decisions enables the reader to truly engage and wrestle with the most difficult of emotions at their own personal level. You are not just reading, with interest, of someone’s life; you are there asking the same questions of yourself and learning compassion along the way. An extraordinary book. ‘

  Jennifer Davis, psychologist

  ‘Tara’s inspiring story takes therapy and moves it into real life. Her resilience comes from tenacity, intelligence and openness to new experiences. She persisted with study, work and relationships, using her courage and adaptiveness to create a life worthy of her and the people she loves.’

  Tony Merritt, clinical psychologist

  I loved this book. So many times it expresses fears and doubts that we all have in a succinct and yet profound manner. Tara’s gift is to involve readers so completely in her journey that they, as I did, see the parallels in their own lives. I found it truly inspiring.

  Clinton Batty, psychologist

  This edition first published in the UK and USA in 2020 by

  Watkins, an imprint of Watkins Media Limited

  Unit 11, Shepperton House

  89-93 Shepperton Road

  London

  N1 3DF

  enquiries@watkinspublishing.co.uk

  Design and typography copyright © Watkins Media Limited 2020

  Text copyright © Tara J Lal 2020

  Tara J Lal has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior permission in writing from the Publishers.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Designed and typeset by JCS Publishing Services Ltd,

  www.jcs-publishing.co.uk

  Printed and bound in the UK

  A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-1-78678-356-1

  www.watkinspublishing.com

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  Foreword by Alex Garland

  Preface to the 2020 edition

  Prologue

  Part One: From Five to Three

  Part Two: Building a New Life

  Part Three: Making Peace with the Past

  Epilogue

  Postscript

  Trauma and PTG

  My Toolkit For Growth

  Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Someone if You Are Concerned They May Be Having Thoughts of Suicide

  Resources

  Photographs

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  It would be an understatement to say that when I started writing I didn’t really know what I was doing. It was simply an organic, often painful torrent of words from within. I rarely read books and the extent of my previous writin
g experience didn’t stretch beyond putting together scientific essays about cell membrane transport or the like, and that was over two decades ago.

  Without question, this book would not exist were it not for the many wonderful people who offered incredible help, love and guidance, professionally and personally. In some cases their assistance was essential to the process of writing; others were simply there for me. Every interaction helped me sculpt the story of my brother’s and my life into the book you are now holding.

  So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to the following people for allowing my dream to come to fruition.

  To the team at Watkins, for believing in the book and its power to help others. Most especially to Fiona Robertson, for her incredible expertise and guidance in putting it all together to make something that in my eyes is both beautiful and valuable.

  To Margo Orum, without whom I would never have put pen to paper, for it was she who made me believe that I could write. She ever so generously read my first garbled draft, encouraged me to continue and outlined some of the basic laws of writing. This book would not have been written without her!

  To Wanda Whitely, my fabulous manuscript doctor, for her incredible patience and skill in turning my 80,000-plus words of disjointed gush into a story that flowed and actually made sense. Most of all, for believing in my work and for going way above and beyond the call of duty time and time again.

  To Justine Taylor, for her fabulous editing and incredible attention to detail as she gently questioned why I had randomly changed tense mid-paragraph and corrected my seemingly infinite grammatical errors.

  To Laetitia Rutherford, for her complete faith in me as an unknown author and for tirelessly approaching publishers on my behalf when I felt lost in a world I knew nothing about.

  To Susan Burton, for her wisdom and skill as a therapist in ever so gently taking me back over the pain of the past while I wrote this book, with the perfect balance of empathy, care and professionalism. It was Sue who helped me make peace with the past.

  To Steve Williams, for his creative genius in designing a concept for my book cover which turned my ideas into images that said a thousand words.

  To Mum, for those golden moments of affection I still treasure, for enduring so much to give Jo, Adam and me the lives we’ve had, for instilling in me the values I still hold so dear and for allowing me to truly know the value of a hug.

  To Dad, for always trying to be the best dad he could be, for allowing me to publish what is personal and painful to him and for giving me the freedom to follow my heart.

  To my aunt, Margaret Coleman, for saving me; for holding my head above water when the grief threatened to swallow me up; for allowing me to live and express my pain. I am forever indebted.

  To the entire Kaub family: most especially to Helga for being my Australian mother, for picking up the pieces every time I fell apart and inviting me into her family unconditionally. To her daughter Samantha Heron, for being another sister to me, for being the most generous caring person I know, for being my biggest fan and for relentlessly supporting and loving me.

  To Jessica Hepburn and Beth Beamer, my childhood school friends, for their timeless friendship, for all the giggles, past and present, and for the many wonderful, insightful discussions we shared about the book.

  To my Australian friends, Heather Shepherd, Kirsten McCaffery, Abigail Hatherly, Salvatore DiMuccio and Carly Reeves, for living the ups and downs with me, for sharing the tears and the joy. I could not have travelled this path without their constant support and love.

  To my dear friend Stacey Siegert, for all the world analysis we shared and for helping me heal more than she will ever know. May you rest in peace.

  To the Sydenhams, the Bruggens and the Stewarts for offering to adopt the three of us and for caring for and supporting us through our darkest days.

  To Dan McAlister, for being the most loyal, caring friend to Adam and for being with me while I screamed.

  To D Platoon, Darlinghurst Fire Station, 2007–2011, for giving me a sense of belonging, for always making me laugh, for the best-ever cook-ups, the hugs and never letting me get away with anything!

  To Elouera and North Bondi Surf Lifesaving Club for giving me my passion back, for the incredible teams we created and for introducing me to the wonderful community of surf lifesaving.

  Lastly, to my sister Jo, for coming up with the perfect title for my book, for her love and generosity which I never appreciated, for her honesty in telling me like it was, even when I didn’t want to hear it, for making me an aunt to her two beautiful children, Marli and Asa, and most of all for supporting me in telling our story in the way that I remember it.

  For Adam

  May your beautiful soul live on through the pain and eloquence in your writing. May it light a candle of insight for others to live with greater connection, greater meaning and greater purpose.

  FOREWORD

  By Alex Garland

  Adam Lal was a school friend who died by suicide aged twenty. It was a death I found hard, and never stopped finding hard. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty years after it happened, memories of Adam still had the capacity to jolt or glaze me. I’d feel my voice threaten to catch if I spoke about him.

  I found this surprising in some respects. We were friends, but not best friends. It made me wonder if I mythologized him. And he was so easy to mythologize: he had such a glow, and died so young. Then I would remember something particular he said or did, or look at a photograph, and think: no. The qualities I ascribe to Adam, he had.

  I was also trapped by specific conversations in which Adam had tried to talk to me about the nature of his unhappiness. I would picture him, sat cross-legged, halting as he spoke, often looking away. The exchanges haunted me – along with the knowledge that although I had understood the words he was saying, I had missed the meaning and the depths.

  Then, a few months ago, I got an email from Dan, who features in the book you hold now. He told me that Tara Lal had written a memoir that substantially addressed her brother’s suicide, as well as many other things besides. He arranged for me to get the manuscript. And almost as soon as I started to read, it was as if a light began to shine.

  In part, the light was pure information. There were things in Adam’s family history that I hadn’t known, such as the nature of his father’s illness, and the crushing weight this placed on Ad. I also found it incredibly uplifting to catch glimpses of Adam in Tara’s portrait of herself, and to realize that something I thought had gone had not entirely gone.

  But more than either of these things, the light came simply from Tara’s writing. The thoughtful honesty in her words, and the compassion, and the truth, and the strength.

  By the time I finished the book, Tara had laid to rest something fundamental about how I feel about my long-dead school friend. I can still miss him, and think about him, and the strength of that feeling is undiminished. But there’s a clarity about it now. And the clarity is not just about Adam, and the circumstances of his death. It’s much broader and more universal: about the way death reverberates through the lives of the bereaved, and the means by which we can process this.

  In these terms, Tara’s book will be important to any reader. All of us have either faced loss, or will face loss. Her insight helps.

  Alex Garland, screenwriter, director of Ex Machina and bestselling author of The Beach

  PREFACE

  to the 2020 edition

  Since this book was first launched in 2015, my knowledge of mental health and suicide has increased exponentially. It is for this reason that I felt compelled to make some changes and additions to the first edition. I have included some notes related to the text where it will benefit the reader’s understanding and better support people through their own journeys. I have amended the language where the term ‘committed suicide’ has been used as it infers a criminal act and has been found to contribute to the destructive stigma that still surrounds suicide. I have tried, where po
ssible, to avoid reference to the means Adam used to take his own life, as evidence suggests that this can be harmful to those who may be vulnerable to suicide. I used such terminology in the first edition when I did not have the knowledge and awareness that I have now. My hope is to educate and encourage people to realize that words matter and language matters when we talk about mental ill health and suicide. By changing the way we talk about mental ill health and suicide at an individual level, we can gently reframe the public narrative to effect change at organisational, community and international level.

  It is important to preface this edition by outlining the context for mine and Adam’s story in today’s world. Suicide is one of the most ubiquitous and profound public health problems facing the modern world and depression is now the leading cause of disability (WHO 2018). Globally, over 800,000 people take their own lives every year. That’s one person every 40 seconds (WHO 2014). In the U.S.A, UK and Australia and most of the western world around 75% of these people are men. Yet more women suffer from mental illness. This is not the case in many lower and middle income countries.1 We are oversimplifying suicide by seeing it almost universally as a result of mental illness. It is as much a social, cultural and political problem as it is a psychological one. For every person that dies by suicide, current evidence suggests that up to 135 people are directly impacted.2 Based on global suicide estimates, this equates to between 48 million and 500 million people worldwide being affected by exposure to suicide every year.3 It is not only family that are affected; friends, colleagues and first responders are often deeply impacted, yet offered little support. This is, at least partially, because suicide is a traumatic death. One doesn’t necessarily need to know the person to be affected by that death. For this reason, and because trauma comes in many forms including adverse childhood experiences and complicated grief, I have included at the end of this book a section on post-traumatic growth and tools that can facilitate it. My hope is to empower people to learn and apply strategies to not only overcome but also to grow through the biggest tragedies in their lives, regardless of their situation and personal history.