Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  Bringing up my Carpentry menu, I found a coat rack. They normally required a pole, eight blocks, and two dowels. I wasn’t exactly making out in materials.

  “So, blocks for the kids?” I asked, holding up the two oversized blocks.

  “You lazy blighter,” growled the badger. He rose up, blocking the only door out of the workshop. “It would be hell on my reputation if I didn’t give out the best possible toys.”

  “I don’t even know how to make toys,” I grumbled, considering how to build them while stacking the blocks on top of each other. Immediately, I got a skill prompt.

  ● You have learned about the skill Toy Making. You are unskilled. Toys for the good girls and boys!

  Shart grinned wickedly. Badgelor asked, “Are you sure?”

  I hated Jack of All Trades.

  Chapter 4: The Toy Maker

  With stupendous joy, I pulled apart the last piece of garbage in the pile. When I’d started, only about a third of the items actually granted me any Salvage. Most of them didn’t grant much. Half-way through I’d leveled up the skill, now I was able to gain some amount of Salvage from everything in the junk pile. The last batch had finally gotten me another skill-up.

  ● Your Salvage skill has improved. You are now Initiate. Improved chance of Salvaging high quality components from objects.

  I had been getting critical successes on almost every check, which I thought had been quite useful. I didn’t understand why I was so lucky, until I'd gotten into the Crafting logs to search the reason. The results were interesting.

  My Dexterity and Willpower stats were quite high. Both granted me a significant bonus when attempting the skill, but that didn’t account for me getting critical successes nine out of ten times. Delving deeper, I discovered my old Crafting skill had been helping me.

  Crafting was a skill that the had discontinued. I’d only managed to select it because of a free skill choice that I shouldn’t have had access to. Yet one more side-effect of my unique condition. The Crafting skill would have been the ‘base’ skill that all other crafting skills were derived from. It was not something that was supposed to still exist.

  ● Crafting: You are Initiate in Crafting.

  It had been a nice surprise to find that it was Initiate level. Apparently, all that magical Trap Making experience I’d earned also came with a huge pile of Skill Points, and all of my skill gains when building stuff applied to both the skill in question and Crafting. That said, I wasn’t going to be leaving the Initiate rank of crafting in the near future. I typically kept the Skill Point, or SP, from displaying, but I peeked at it now and groaned.

  ● Crafting: Initiate (122,414/10,000,000)

  Because crafting wasn’t supposed to be an option anymore, the had compensated by making the cost of the skill obscene. Mechanically, Crafting was giving me an effective bonus of about 3 skill levels whenever I tried to make anything. That meant I was nearly always critically successful on simple tasks like making a dagger. I didn’t even want to think what one of the Journeyman perks for Crafting would be like.

  I was currently in possession of the largest pile of blocks, dowels, felt, cloth, and other miscellaneous crafting parts I’d ever seen. Shart had been meticulously stacking the materials in the workshop, more out of boredom than anything else. Badgelor was still blocking the door like a furry jail warden.

  Since I had the Toy Making skill, I decided to see how long it was going to take me to make some of these toys. I made this decision completely on my own and of my own free will, because I was curious. It had nothing to do with Badgelor’s large sleeping form preventing an escape. He must have grown bored watching me play with trash and fallen asleep at some point. I brought up the crafting menu and flipped through the list of toys I knew how to make. The list was pretty short.

  ● Dolly: 2 swaths of cloth, 1 stuffing

  ● Badger: 2 swaths of cloth, 1 stuffing, 1 dowel

  ● Wagon: 4 blocks, 2 dowels

  I fastidiously ignored the badger and decided to try the wagon first. I took four blocks and two dowel rods over to the carpentry workbench and shook out my shoulders in an attempt to relax. I then selected the wagon. Instantly, my hands flew into action, carving the first block into four wheels in minutes. The rest of the blocks quickly became the bed and sides of the wagon. The dowel rods were likewise turned into axles. Ten minutes later, I was looking at a pretty competently built little, red wagon. Surely, even Santa’s elves would have been proud.

  ● Critical Success: You have crafted a Masterwork Toy Wagon

  I had not used any paint on it at all. I didn’t even have paint. The fact that it was red was just an Ordinal thing.

  Holding the little red wagon in my hands, I became curious and gathered up some more components. Instead of building one of my three known blueprints, I decided to see if I could modify one. I opted to rework the wagon’s plans, since I had already had success with it. When generating the new toy blueprint, I focused on using extra dowels. With them, I added a third axle to the wagon in the back and a fourth axle in the front. From there, I expanded the frame into a large cylinder parallel to the ground. I added a second, smaller cylinder perpendicular to that at the front. I spent a few minutes fleshing out the details, but, in the end, I’d converted a wagon into a cute little train.

  Crafting it was just as easy as the wagon, though it required more materials.

  ● You have discovered a new blueprint! Please, specify a name!

  I obviously called it a train. Afterward, I was rewarded by a skill-up.

  ● You have crafted a lost toy! You have gained a +10% skill boost in the Toy Making skill. For completing a legendary feat, you gain one level in the skill!

  ● Your Toy Making skill has increased to Novice!

  Well, that was nice, I supposed. I did learn a few new blueprints, though I wasn’t certain how useful Toy Making was going to be in the grand scheme of things. Then, I got another prompt.

  ● Your Crafting has increased to Journeyman! Select a Crafting perk!

  I inhaled sharply. Apparently, the bonus skill level hit both my Toy Making skill as well as my Crafting skill, granting them both a single level. Where Toy Making had been a near waste of time, the Crafting skill increase was mind boggling.

  After I recovered from sheer shock, I looked into the perks for the highly illegal skill and whistled.

  ● Craftsman Needs No Tools: Who needs a workbench? You can do all of your crafting by hand. Use your thumb as a screwdriver, your forehead as a hammer, whatever you want! The sky's the limit!

  ● Only the Best: All Crafting skill checks are one degree more successful.

  ● Maximum Overdrive: Time required to craft an item is reduced by 90%.

  All of those were amazing. I sat considering them for a long moment before choosing Only the Best. I could always find tools, and time was usually not much of a concern for my crafting. Always getting one degree of success higher in checks was going to be amazing.

  I quickly attempted to make another train and was rewarded with another prompt.

  ● You have critical success when making a Train. Legendary toys are not eligible to be Masterworks.

  The train looked just like my last one, which had also been a critical success. The levels of success at my skill level were critical failure, failure, partial success, success, critical success and Masterwork. Technically, there were a few levels below critical failure, just like there were a few levels above Masterwork. I wasn’t sure how astronomically one would have to fuck up to achieve something lower than critical failure, but I did know a bit about the levels over Masterwork. To reach those, you had to be working on higher tier crafting plans.

  A Legendary item fell slightly outside those rules. My wooden train could never fail worse than a critical failure, which would consume all of the materials but provide you no train. Nor could you get above a critical success, which gave the hand-crafted item an industrial, manufactured look.
>
  I’d just have to find something a bit harder to work on. Later. It was nearly noon, and I was thoroughly bored with this. I finally decided it was time to wake Badgelor.

  “Shart, I’ll need your help,” I said aloud.

  One of Badgelor’s eyes shot open. “Like hell you will!” He shook himself and began shrinking down. Showing the wagon to Badgelor, he nodded. “That’ll be good enough for the wee ones, but I’ll need you to make something decent for the older kids.”

  “How many toys are we talking about here?” I asked.

  “There are 107 children in the village, as of this morning. There is one new baby that will need something soft and a much older boy that needs a sword,” stated Badgelor.

  The fact that he knew that offhand was reasonably impressive. It did raise the question of how he knew about all the kids, though. Maybe he was taking his job as Badgelor more seriously than I thought. He didn’t have access to the town menus, as far as I knew. He had to have been taking a census or something to get the exact numbers. I set one train off to the side and Shart promptly ate it, banishing it to his extradimensional space. I held onto the other toy.

  Opening the door, I was greeted by Ashe, carrying a lunch tray. She was quick enough to balance the tray, despite the fact that she was about to open the door with her hip. Watching her gracefully avoid both falling and spilling the tray reminded me of a ballerina.

  Her eyes went wide, as she looked into the room. She immediately noticed the lack of giant trash piles. Equally noticeable was its replacement, the pile of salvaged materials. She looked at me for a moment, standing before her with Badgelor on my shoulder. Then, she actually tittered.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, as she handed over the tray.

  “Grebthar and Badgelor leaving the workshop,” she chuckled, as if that explained anything. I raised an eyebrow at her, and she stopped chuckling. Her eyebrows rose. “Really?” she asked.

  Spinning on her heel, she walked downstairs, leaving me holding the tray. On it was a sandwich and a mug of beer, both of which were of good quality. She had also included some jerky that she’d made especially for Badgelor. I handed it up to the weasel. He snuck into the corner and produced a tin of foul smelling sauce to dip them into. By the time I was done eating, Ashe was back and holding a book.

  “I knew I saw this in the library,” she said, flipping through the pages. She stopped a third of the way in, right before the Eve Before Grebthar Day. There was a picture of Badgelor and Grebthar leaving a workshop that was stuffed full of materials for making toys. The only difference I could see was that my room had five benches and Grebthar’s had four. Badgelor was even gnawing on jerky on Grebthar’s shoulder, just like my Badgelor was on my own shoulder now.

  “I’ve never actually seen a picture of Grebthar before,” I commented, taking the book and flipping through it.

  “You can’t be serious,” stated Ashe. “What about the mural in the church?”

  “I thought that was Tom Brady and Brad Pitt’s love child,” I chuckled.

  Ashe paused, “I don’t think TomBrady is seeing anyone.”

  “Forget I mentioned it,” I replied, realizing she meant one of the townsfolk.

  “Okay, but since you have a moment,” Ashe continued, looking at the remains of my sandwich, “What can you tell me about SueLeeta?”

  “She’s nice,” I said, stopping on the first page of the book as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

  “I need more than that. She has designs on Daddy,” she responded coolly. I noticed her knife was out. She was testing the point on her finger while staring at me.

  I was about to close the book when I noticed the words on the first page.

  Grebthar descended from the heavens like a comet,

  The Dark Overlord stirred in his Tomb of Shadows.

  Chapter 5: Whistle While You Work

  I was pretty sure I could take Ashe. I was also pretty sure that doing so was a terrible idea. Instead, I answered a few of her questions before creating a means of distraction and escaping.

  “You are an ass!” exclaimed Badgelor.

  “It's not my fault you’re aerodynamic,” I replied, as we exited through the southern gate.

  “That was hilarious,” grinned Shart, the usual candidate for my aerodynamic tests.

  “She stabbed me,” growled Badgelor.

  “Like that even bothers you anymore,” I replied, as we continued walking. The path between the village and the docks was starting to show more than a bit of use.

  “It's the principle of the thing,” glowered the badger, as he stomped next to me. “Besides, why are we going to the docks?”

  “Fish stew,” I replied. Instantly, Badgelor scurried up my back and plopped onto my shoulder. One thing about being 25 again was that I could eat, pretty much anything I wanted whenever I wanted. When I’d hit my late 30’s that had stopped for me on Earth, and I had been on a diet just before I’d died.

  I wondered if the lack of strength due to the microscopic portions of food which was all I’d been permitted to eat had contributed to my death.

  “Really?” he asked. He was becoming so excited that he couldn’t sit still. Finally, he scurried from my shoulder to the top of my head for a better vantage point. His claws were very sharp.

  The lone pier I had seen the first time we’d claimed the beach now had company. It turned out that a fishing boat needed a fair amount of shore support to actually accomplish anything. There was more to fishing than just launching the boat. Who knew? Fishermen, probably, of which I was not. Given that food had been a high priority, accompanying facilities had quickly been built. Mar had coordinated it, and now we had the dock, two large open buildings on either side of the dock, and the beginnings of a boardwalk.

  “Glorious Robert and Splendid Gloria have been busy,” I murmured, as we closed. The obvious haste of the construction was evident the closer we got. The buildings were truly ramshackle affairs, and the boardwalk was more of an idea than anything else. Still, I thought it was pretty impressive for the amount of time that had passed.

  The first quick trench that Badgelor had frantically dug looked like it had been expanded. A second, much larger boat was being laid down in it. I dug up the town menu but didn’t see a new boat listed. That meant it was a private affair. I did a quick check in menu time while I walked and found that Splendid Gloria had been making purchases from the Saw Mill for reasonably large sums of money.

  As I got close to the trench, I heard Glorious Robert yelling, screaming really, at all of his people to get the lead out. He wanted that boat finished right now. I walked right past him. That fireplug of a man was in a mood. Besides, I smelled something good.

  One of the two buildings had the delicious scents of a kitchen. In the front was a large counter with a dozen wooden bar stools spread out evenly. A large sign up top proclaimed “No singing”. Splendid Gloria was behind the counter, dividing her time between reading something and stirring a huge, bubbling pot. I picked an empty chair and plopped down. Without missing a beat, Splendid Gloria had a bowl of something that smelled great in her hands.

  “I’ll need something for Badgelor, too,” I commented, as she placed the bowl in front of me.

  Splendid Gloria was still reading but gestured toward the back of the building. “Scraps are back there.”

  I was about to protest, but Badgelor had already leapt off my head like a missile and was racing to get at the pile of scraps. He was noisily crunching on bones by the time Splendid Gloria closed her book.

  “This tastes great,” I commended, swallowing a mouthful.

  “Basstown clam chowder,” she said, emphasizing the ‘der’. It sounded like there was an ‘ah’ hiding in there somewhere. “It's a specialty. The clams here are pretty good. I got a bunch of kids who bring me in some every day for coppers and breakfast.”

  “Good for them,” I said.

  “Well, they should be in school,” she mentioned. �
��That’s none of my business, though.”

  I coughed. I did have a quest to get a school built. I was going to have to increase the priority on that. “So, I see the new boat is going well.”

  “It's a ship,” stated Splendid Gloria, glancing over at her husband. “Be careful there. It’d be an insult to confuse the two. But, yes, it is going quite well. It should be done in a few weeks. Then, we can really start hauling in the fish.”

  She positively salivated at getting into some deeper waters. The smaller fishing boat that they were currently using generally stayed near the coast and inside our barrier, whenever possible. That was becoming less possible the more they fished. Still, they had lived without a barrier in Basstown; they knew how to cope with danger.

  “You figure that sea monsters would be a bigger problem out in the ocean,” I mentioned while continuing to eat.

  “Your point?” she replied before gesturing back toward her husband. “You see my man over there? He’s an adventurer. He eats monsters for breakfast.”

  Almost as if on queue, Glorious Robert yelled over, “Is that damn badger going through our garbage again? If he is, send him over here. I’ll give him some real fish, if he digs out this trench some more.”

  Badgelor flipped him off. He was already in heaven with the scraps.

  “What kind of fish?” I yelled back politely.

  “Oh, it's the mayor,” yelled Glorious Robert. “Tell your badger to help us, then. I’ll make it worth your while.”

  “Badgelor, they have fish,” I coaxed.

  “I already have the best parts,” he replied.

  “You’d get to tear up the ground,” I commented.

  He considered that. In his largest, Ultimate Badgelor form, he was capable of some stupendous excavation. The problem was that such digging was generally frowned upon in town. Even outside of town, I didn’t really like him tearing up the ground to the degree he was capable of.