Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  “He went to get help,” replied Shart. It was hard to hear him over the loud clanging, though. “Hey, Dum Dum, I really am sorry about this. I don’t do these sorts of high-pressure situations well.”

  Wait, what was clanging?

  That’s when I noticed the rope caught around one of the grinders. It was being sucked up like a power cord into a vacuum cleaner. I half-hoped that might clog it, however, the amount of rope required for that would have been extreme. The massive brass ring that Shart had tied the rope to was another matter. It flew down, banging past me and became lodged in the teeth of the grinders. They emitted a loud groaning as they ground to a stop.

  The sudden loss of angular motion caused me to lurch forward. If the grinder hadn’t been stopped up, I would have died. I laid spread across both rollers for a bare instant before getting back to my feet. An unexpected sound of gushing, rushing water filled my ears.

  “Um, Jim,” said Shart.

  Growling, I focused my Stamina. Now that I was on a level surface, I dumped as much Stamina into a high jump as I could manage.

  ● Jump successful, 7 logs in height. Cost: 196 Stamina.

  I grabbed hold of the lip to the hole and pulled myself up, even as I saw the torches in the distance. Fantastic, my party is coming to save me. I turned around to watch a tsunami of water flowing into the hall, only to get caught by the giant wall-to-wall pit. It poured down into the furnace, quenching it.

  The water glowed blue as electrical arcs flashed through it, until its power had mostly drained away.

  “Jim,” called out Fenris, “What’s going on?”

  “I found two traps,” I said, pocketing my ingot.

  SueLeeta nodded. ‘I guess you were right Fenris.”

  “About what?” I asked, deciding that even if it made me obvious, I was going to have a light source from now on.

  “I thought Badgelor said you were doomed from traps. Fenris thought he said you were disarming traps,” stated the Hunter.

  “Of course,” I replied. “What else would I be doing?”

  Sir Dalton looked down the hole. “Good that you found this. Are there any traps further up?”

  “Not for the next hundred feet or so. I triggered the next trap as well,” I said, gesturing toward the moist hall. “Let the fluid flow down into this one.”

  “Good,” stated Sir Dalton. He then leapt over the twenty foot gap with no obvious effort, despite his heavy armor. Fenris and SueLeeta followed a moment later, both easily clearing the gap, as well as Glorious Robert.

  Almost every adventurer had the Jump skill and, while it was a Stamina hog, it would allow you to do things like jump twenty feet across a pit. The cost of such a jump was around 35 Stamina, assuming you had the skill to a high enough level. A jump over your maximum range was also possible, but the Stamina cost was much more considerable, doubling the total cost of the jump.

  So while the three Woodsmen could all make the jump for around 35 Stamina, our two warriors were a bit more taxed. The Jump skill just wasn’t a high priority for either of them. Glorious Robert was just out of his maximum range and ended up spending 70 Stamina on the jump. Sir Dalton should have been out of his, but he had a Strength perk that let him apply his Colossal Strength to the effect, increasing his maximum range. The entire effort cost him 35 Stamina for the jump and 15 Stamina to activate the Perk.

  On the other hand, we also had a Wizard. Bashara started casting a spell as she got close. Then, she hopped forward at a speed that should never have allowed her to cross the gap. As she continued forward, she descended very slowly.

  “Feather Fall?” I asked, as she landed on the other side.

  “Of course,” she smirked. I saw a helmet go flying over the gap into Sir Dalton’s outstretched hand. “Oh, let’s see how long we have to wait around for the commoners to catch up.”

  I turned to see Zorlando running as fast as he could, straight toward the hole. The heavy steel armor he wore was probably the heaviest armor there, and the only concession he’d made was to toss over his helmet. His foot hit the edge, and I watched his Stamina bar drop to nearly zero as he launched himself over the gap.

  Skills worked differently for Professionals than they did for adventurers. Zorlando had all the disadvantages of not having Jump as a focused skill combined with his skill being less effective than an adventurer’s was.

  As an adventurer, my Jump skill broke into three foot, or one log, lengths. That meant that a twenty foot jump was a difficulty 7 check. I had to pay for 7 logs worth of distance, which cost me 35 Stamina. Zorlando was a Professional, and his base length was only two feet. That meant he had to make ten units of distance. It also took him longer to develop skills, and Jump was not a skill he had focused on. He was only up to the Initiate rank.

  He cheated, mind you, and used the Sprint skill to add to his base movement. Doing so extended his jump length, and his own considerable Strength further expanded that distance. However, his armor weighed a ton and reduced the effectiveness of both, while further increasing the cost of the skill.

  Thus, he missed the total length by around four feet, leaving his head and shoulders over the lip of the hole. The rest of him dangled precariously over the pit. I was about to jump over to grab him, but Sir Dalton ran forward. The Knight gripped Zorlando’s hand and yanked him to his feet.

  “Here is your helmet,” stated the big man.

  Zorlando wheezed. He had blown through almost his entire Stamina bar and was into crash status.

  “Wow, I thought he would have made it,” I said to Badgelor.

  “Yup, now carry me over. I’m not going to be able to jump that,” stated Badgelor. I was about to respond when I heard frantic clinking.

  “Did you forget something?” Bashara yelled over the gap. I turned to see Jarra the Healer looking frantically through her alchemy satchels. Her bulky armor was different from the rest of ours. Hers actually had several points built into it where alchemical potions could be stored. Most potions came in a vial that was maybe an inch in circumference and six inches long. Dozens of such vials were built into the armor and could be exposed by pulling open a flap. Right now, all those flaps were open, making Jarra look like a nuclear submarine with its missiles out. The healer was pulling out vial after vial, looking for something.

  “What’s the problem?” I asked as Jarra seemed to collapse into her armor. She removed her helmet and used me to block Bashara from her line of sight.

  “I can’t find any Siers root,” she said, her voice cracking. “I know I packed some. I knew I’d need to use it, but I can’t find it.”

  I was about to say something, when Badgelor hissed into my ear. I reached over to one of the potion silos built into her armor and pulled out a vial.

  “How did it get there?” she muttered, taking the vial. “I need to brew an unstable Frisky Rabbit potion, so I can make the jump.”

  “Why didn’t you have one ready?” I asked.

  “I have several ready, but they aren’t strong enough to let me jump that,” she whispered. “My books said ten foot pits, not twenty. I can only brew them strong enough for fifteen feet, if they are stable.”

  “Unstable potions?” I asked.

  “I took it as my Expert perk for Alchemy,” she said, a hint of pride in her voice. “It allows me to brew potions 200% stronger than normal, but they don’t last very long. The perk has its advantages, though. If we find a room we have to fight in, I can give everyone super strong healing potions in about ten minutes.”

  “That would be useful,” I said.

  “See, I can be helpful even here,” she stated, attempting to sound proud and failing. She was trying her best to do the impossible, and then this happened.

  “I’ve always found you amazingly helpful,” I said calmly. Jarra blushed.

  “Thank you,” she said, gathering herself back up. “This will only take a minute. Then, we can be ready to go.”

  I glanced at the vial with the Siers root i
n it. There wasn’t much left. “Hold on a second. You might need that later.”

  Turning around, I glanced at Badgelor. I calmly walked over to him. “I’m going to have to help Jarra over.”

  “That’s fine. You can carry us both.” the badger responded.

  “I could,” I agreed, “But this will be easier. Sorry, Badgelor.” I quickly picked him up. “Fenris, catch.” Then, I hurled the furry little badger through the air, over the pit.

  “Bros before hoes!” Badgelor screamed in a very undignified tone. Fenris looked shocked but still managed to catch the badger. Rather than be grateful, Badgelor bit the Woodsman’s finger and scurried down to the ground. From there, he glared at me. I turned my back to him and returned to Jarra. “Here,” I said, offering my hand, “Let's just jump it.”

  “Jim, I can’t clear that without a potion,” she said.

  “Haven’t you heard? I’m an Expert Hiker,” I responded, turning around and making my back like a horsey ride. “I don’t want you wasting potion components.”

  Jarra said nothing for a long moment. Then, I heard the vial slide back into place and a click, as the silo was secured. Jarra hopped onto my back like we were two kids playing. I checked her weight, but, even armored, she was nothing compared to my all powerful Hiking skill.

  “Hey, Jim,” Badgelor smirked, “I bet this isn’t how you pictured Jarra riding you.” I heard Shart guffaw from somewhere. I chose to ignore them both.

  I walked over to the lip and jumped over. Now that I wasn’t jumping uphill, I was able to clear the chasm easily. I landed far past where everyone else landed.

  ● Jumping has increased in rank to Journeyman. Select a perk!

  ● Perk Selected: Airborne Control. You can exert minimal control over your trajectory while you are in the air.

  “You are insufferable,” groaned SueLeeta at me. Jarra hopped off and assumed her position guarding the archer.

  Chapter 26: A Magical Stroll

  We continued down the well-lit passageway. I was using my Flameology skill to practice holding a light without using my hands. I couldn’t make a flame appear in midair, but I could cause a bright white light to attach to another physical object. Then, I could hold it there while only focusing on the light part of it.

  It was just another great idea, from everyone else’s point of view.

  “Could you turn down the bright light on top of your head?” groaned Bashara after a few minutes. “It's too bright.”

  “Well, we need a light source. Seeing as I’m the only one who can make them. . .” I trailed off.

  Suddenly, four glowing orbs of light pulsed in front of Bashara. She flicked her fingers, and one shot off toward each of the melee fighters. Next, she generated another, smaller one and attached it to the heavily armored Combat Medic.

  “Hey look, you are good for something,” she said quietly to Jarra.

  I’ll admit the sudden gasp of pain that came from Bashara, when she stumbled over Cat Thirty-Three, SueLeeta’s latest hunting animal, made me happy.

  “If you could make balls of light this entire time, why didn’t you?” I asked Bashara, extinguishing my own ball of light. I began to examine hers with Arcane Sight. My Flameology light was about as simple as magical light got. Hers was far more complex, with dozens of runes folded inside of runes that I didn’t recognize.

  ● Arcane Lore skill, successful: You have made a simple Arcane Lore check!

  Then, I realized I was wrong. It wasn’t that I didn’t recognize the runes. It was that the runes were purposefully obfuscated. Apparently, Wizards could conceal their magical runes so that other casters had a more difficult time counterspelling them. I considered that for a moment and realized that I could do the same thing, if I wanted too. I just didn’t see much of a reason to do so. I usually dealt with the most basic spells, and everyone already knew those. Furthermore, the actual shape of the rune needed to be very similar to its base form. No making Fire runes look like Water runes.

  “Lots of runes you don’t know, Dum Dum,” whispered Shart into my mind. I ignored him.

  I brought up my own Counterspell skill and wondered if I could unmask the runes to see what spell she had cast. Bashara beat me to it. Groaning, she dismissed the first ball and threw out a second one. It one only had three runes, all very easy to detect.

  “I do not understand you one bit,” she said, brushing past me as I studied the runes. There was a fire rune, which provided the light, and an air rune, which made the light float. I chuckled when my Arcane Lore kicked off again and identified the rune as a Simple Cloud rune.

  The third rune was the most complex of the simple runes, because it didn’t have any elemental trappings to it. Imagine that the only language you had ever seen written down was English, and then someone handed you something in Chinese.

  “Shart, what the hell is that?” I asked, examining it closely.

  “Oh, paying attention to me all of a sudden,” groaned the demon. I felt some pressure on the inside of my skull, a sensation that very much felt like the little bugger was peering through my eyeball from the other side. “It's a Spirit rune. Looks like a Bonding rune, if I had to guess, which I don't, because that’s what it is.”

  “So, is Spirit another form of Magic, like Void?” I asked.

  “Wow, you aren’t totally stupid, Dum Dum,” said Shart. “I don’t know if I should be impressed with you or disappointed that it took you until now to confirm a singular molecule of smarts. Yes, Spirit, Void, Gravity, and Essence are generally considered the most common types of advanced magic.”

  “But there are more?” I asked.

  “Ding, ding, ding,” said the demon, “There are many more kinds of advanced magic than there are basic elemental schools. Biological Aeromancy is technically considered an advanced form of magic.”

  “What separates them from the more basic types of magic?” I asked.

  “Complexity or power, often both,” replied Shart. “Void, for example, unmakes things. To perform Void magic properly, you have to be very precise in your application of the magic. Spirit magic attaches things to the spiritual realm, sort of like the source code for the entire simulation.”

  “Wait, Ordinal is a simulation?” I asked. Maybe I was just stuffed into a VR rig somewhere and could get out to see my family.

  “Please, no. Not this again. You died, Dum Dum. This is a matter of perspective. From my perspective, everything is a simulation. However, I have a great deal more control over all the variables than you do,” stated Shart. “From your perspective, this is as real as it gets. No take backs, no do overs.”

  That was a philosophical question for another day. If you were locked inside a simulation but had no capacity to escape the simulation, did it matter that you were stuck there? Did that make the simulation less real than a reality that you couldn’t interact with?

  “So you can’t turn Ordinal off?” I asked.

  “Not really. I guess you could overload it, if you dumped enough Mana into the matrix. Even an would have difficulty finding that much Mana, though. I mean, you hear about a world being destroyed every so often, but I’ve never encountered anyone who has experienced it first-hand,” continued Shart. “What do I know, though? I’m just 13.7 billion of your dumb years old.”

  “That’s how old the universe is on Earth,” I replied.

  Shart actually paused. “How do you know that’s how old the universe is?”

  “We studied background cosmic radiation or something,” I replied. “Earth had an event called the Big Bang that started our entire universe. All matter in the universe stuck on the head of a pin, or some such.”

  I could feel Shart pacing in my mind, and I considered going fully into my mindscape. Finally, he responded, “Well score one for non-magical Earth. I guess without any time-altering magics, you guys would have an actual true gauge on the age of creation. There are scholars all over creation who aren’t even close to your estimate.”

&
nbsp; “So, you were there?” I asked.

  “Yup, it was a Horrendous Space Kablooie followed by a lot of nothing. Seriously, you earthlings figured out that all the matter in the universe was crushed down to the size of the head of a pin, and you called it a Big Bang?” chuckled the demon. “So fucking weird. Anyway, yes, all of the matter, magic, and energy was contained in a small singularity that detonated and created everything.”

  “Did the do that?” I asked, the word catching in my throat. I still managed to get it out, at least into my mindscape.

  “Not that I know of. I think they logged in right afterward, though,” said Shart before coughing.

  “You think?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

  Shart almost looked. . .ashamed? Embarrassed? “Yeah, I think. It's not like they ever talk to me anyway.”

  “I thought you had conversations with them all the time,” I replied.

  “No, they talk AT me, not to me,” said Shart sadly. “I’m an Elder Demon, a world shaker. Once I get back to the citadel, I’ll have phenomenal cosmic powers, but I’m still bound to do what the ’s say. They aren’t interested in a being who has powers as limited as my own.”

  I glanced out, trying to make sure I was still in menu time. If I ever lost access to that, I was going to be in a world of hurt. I guessed maybe a second had passed in real time, so I turned back to Shart. I was thinking of all the advanced magics he’d mentioned.

  “Gravity affects gravity,” I said.

  “Well, gravity, time, and a bunch of other variables,” stated Shart, “but sure, let’s just go with gravity.”

  “So, what is Essence?” I asked.

  “Well, Spirit magic attaches to the ‘spirit’ of Creation, things you can’t ever touch and really can’t even perceive directly. Essence specifically targets objects inside of Creation, just not on this dimension of it.”

  “It’s like my mind scape,” I said, and Shart kind of shrugged.

  “More like your Mana network,” said Shart. “Essence deals with making your Magical, Health, and Stamina cores work. It's mainly used for magical enhancement of those cores.”