Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  “Yeah, now that you are done screwing around with Jim, you get to see what I can do,” growled Glorious Robert.

  Mentally reviewing the fight, I saw that Sir Dalton was the only person who’d actually seen me fight the Dark Overlord. Everyone else had just seen me and Dalton getting tossed around like rag dolls. Their brief fight had been little more than the Dark Overlord barreling past them faster than they expected. They’d had time to strategize, while they opened the door. Maybe that would help. I wasn’t really in a position to complain at the moment.

  With a busted spine, next to no Hit Points, and nearly drained Stamina and Mana, I was pretty much out of combat. The others left me behind to engage the abomination. That was important. If you were out of combat, you could allocate perks, buffs, and talents.

  Which is what the thought, because I’d just bounced off the Dungeon Core.

  ● You have Touched a Dungeon Core claimed by your party.

  ● As this is your first Dungeon Core, you gain the following benefits: +1 buff to your primary attribute, +1 talent for your Core talent, +1 perk for your class.

  ●

  That had been a nice buff for everyone involved. For me, as a man with five classes, that meant the results were spectacular. I scoured my class lists and found a Warrior perk that I just couldn’t wait to select. It required an absurdly high level, I’m sure, and a whopping +7 to Endurance. Thanks to my latest buffs, I happened to have a +7 Endurance.

  ● Ignore Injury: You can expend Stamina to ignore the effects of any injury. Missing body parts will not be replaced.

  I threw the talent into Hack and Slash and then moved on to adventurer. I was in real time, so I didn’t have time to fuss. I selected Quick Steal.

  ● Quick Steal: You are unusually adept at taking things from your foes. If you successfully make a hand-to-hand attack on someone, you can attempt to steal something easily accessible on their person. Requirements: a free hand with which to make the grab.

  I skipped selecting an adventurer talent. Those were all exploration and discovery. Next, I hit Mage Knight. I found what I was looking for almost instantly.

  ● Enhanced Elemental Blade: You can commit Mana to permanently activate your Elemental weapon. If you have Blazing Sword, you can commit 25 Mana and the effect will work at half-strength on all attacks.

  That was incredibly useful. Normally, Blazing Sword was a huge Mana hog. Each separate attack with it was powerful, but I could only perform a handful of them in battle. If I could pay the cost once and get the effect at half-strength on all my attacks, that would be a huge Damage boost.

  For the Mage Knight talent, I chose Improved Weapon Channeling. It allowed me to use both hands on an attuned weapon’s grip to cast spells. In practical terms, that meant that I could cast BioLightning with both hands, turning my sword into a double-barreled Spell blade.

  Sorcerer only had a perk, and I found one for Spell Stability. It would improve my control over magic. I was hopeful that it would allow me to use more runes with less effort.

  Finally, I switched over to Beast Master. I wasn’t sure what to do with this one. The entire class revolved around the companion, and he was gone. It hadn’t even granted me the talent point. I paused, checking my log. Had it?

  Digging down, I found a perk that looked suddenly useful and closed my menus.

  ● Jim: Sorcerer, Level 3

  ● HP: 257/715

  ● Stamina: 102/565

  ● Mana: 99/270

  Presently, I didn’t even have enough Stamina to activate the Ignore Injury perk I’d just selected. I had to idly watch, as the surviving members of the party fought a god. SueLeeta was firing arrow after arrow from her bow, occasionally pulling out magical arrows as the situation merited it. Zorlando and Glorious Robert were peppering Grebthar with javelins. Meanwhile, Fenris was using his shield to block repeated blasts of magic from Grebthar.

  They were losing. Not only that, but it was obvious that they couldn’t keep it up for much longer. Sir Dalton was injured and leaning up against half a wall, stuffing food into his mouth. It took me a moment to realize he was eating eggs, raw eggs at that, out of a dimensional storage box.

  As I watched my Stamina slowly rise, I had an idea. I struggled to move my hand. Once I accomplished that, I summoned my sword to it. Dragging it across the ground, I got the blade to slide into Jarra’s pack. Focusing, I tugged the healing pack to me and pulled out the remaining five vials.

  One was a Shadow Resistance potion. I dropped it onto the ground, where it clattered but did not break. Of the remaining four, two were healing potions, one was a Mana and one was a Stamina potion. I couldn’t deal with potion cooldown, so I upended all four and drank them at the same time.

  ● Potion Miscibility check, partially successful. All potions work at 75% efficacy. You will gain the Sickened Condition for 12 hours in 5 minutes.

  With my Stamina above half, I was able to activate Ignore Injury. I stood up. The sensation was strange, to say the least. I could feel my spine wobbling, but, due to the perk, it didn’t seem to affect anything. Even though they were much faster than herbs, it would take a moment for the full effects of the potions to kick in.

  Grebthar was blasting at Fenris with a fiery tornado. The Warden was using his shield to block the entire effect, causing a massive spray of magic to fly in all directions. The only unaffected place was behind Fenris. Suddenly, an arrow slapped onto the back side of his shield and Fenris’ head twitched back, watching Sir Dalton out of the corner of his eye.

  The Fiery Tornado suddenly reflected off Fenris’ shield, rebounding back to the Dark Overlord. He swore, cutting off the spell so quickly that it lacked the energy to get back to him. That had caused a gap, however, and Zorlando and Glorious Robert both moved in. They were ready to engage the Dark Overlord in close quarters.

  Zorlando didn’t even last a full second, as the first blow knocked his legs out from under him. The second blow sent him sprawling backward. This, however, exposed the Dark Overlord’s back. Glorious Robert drove his mace down into the back of his skull with impossible force. The Dark Overlord didn’t seem to notice. He caught the mace, just as Glorious Robert tried again. A second blade was already in the Fisherman’s hand, and Glorious Robert slashed the Dark Overlord across the torso.

  That weapon began melting away into nothingness. Glorious Robert released it and drew two more weapons, continuing the assault. Each strike landed with audible cracks, as the powerful Man-at-Arms did his level best to slay the Dark Overlord. He might have even done it, if each of the god’s wounds hadn’t healed up instantly. The Dark Overlord laughed.

  “This is what I wanted! Your paltry efforts are hilarious,” chuckled the Dark Overlord.

  “You expect me to believe a skeezer like you is the Dark Overlord?” yelled Glorious Robert. He headbutted the Dark Overlord as hard as he possibly could. There was a tradition in Basstown, where bouts had been decided with headbutts. It had been that way for as long as anyone could remember. It was also a known fact that Glorious Robert had an impossibly hard head.

  Glorious Robert stumbled backward, stunned from the force of the impact. The Dark Overlord didn’t even move. He held out his good hand and flicked Glorious Robert with one finger. The squat man tumbled backward. Before Grebthar could capitalize on that, though, Fenris crossed the field. He charged, his shield held low as he impacted the monster.

  The Dark Overlord drove his remaining fingers through the shield and spun Fenris over his head, slamming the Warden to the ground. He hit so hard that I felt it 20 logs away. Fenris didn’t move.

  As the false hero lifted his bare foot to stomp on Fenris’ skull, Sir Dalton roared forward. The Knight tried to stab him with his massive two-handed sword. The Dark Overlord batted it away, but Sir Dalton didn’t stop. He slammed into Grebthar with his shoulder. His massively oversized shoulder.

  “Dalton isn’t that big,” I thought. He was normally taller than me, but now he was
massive. He was holding onto his two-handed sword with one hand, because there wasn’t enough room on the hilt for both.

  The Dark Overlord didn’t so much roll to his feet as he did defy physics. He flowed like water backward and just refused to fall over. Dalton was on him again, swinging his sword hard enough that the Dark Overlord's stolen mace was batted aside. The Greatsword carved through the god’s shoulder. The arm came free in a great spray of the shadowy white ichor that passed for the Godling’s blood.

  If losing that arm bothered him, the Dark Overlord refused to let us know it. It wasn’t even the first time it had happened in this battle. He struck Dalton in the chest with an open-palmed strike. The large Knight staggered, as Grebthar kicked his sword free with an audible crack. Dalton’s other hand grabbed hold of the Dark Overlord’s skull, palming it. The hulking Knight exerted skull-crushing force.

  The Dark Overlord’s head exploded in a spray of white ichor. Dalton again staggered for a moment, his Health bar at less than half. He released his grip, preparing to watch the body collapse. Instead, it just stood there, headless. Dalton looked confused.

  A voice came from nowhere, “Did you know your best friend is sleeping with your daughter?”

  Sir Dalton paused, cocking his head. “Do not tell lies to me! There is no way my gut would betray me like that.”

  The Dark Overlord looked flabbergasted for a moment. Then, he extended his palm, and a blast of air sent Dalton flying backward. The Dark Overlord appeared over him, his head grotesquely reforming. He was holding Dalton’s sword. He moved to strike. As the Knight prepared to draw his final breath, a bolt slammed into Grebthar’s wrist. It exploded, knocking not only the sword, but also the hand, away. I looked over to see that SueLeeta had picked up my Scorpow. The Dark Overlord looked up, as another bolt slammed into his eye. The bolt erupted out the back of his skull, forcing him a step back. Then came another bolt, and another. SueLeeta’s emotionless eyes tracked where each bolt needed to land to do the most Damage.

  The Dark Overlord’s amputated hand began to hover right next to its owner. It made a rude gesture, and SueLeeta resumed firing bolts at him. This time, they all simply missed, as wisps of wind snatched them out of the air. The Dark Overlord pointed his hand backward, firing an orb of fire at the space Fenris had occupied moments before.

  Fenris was skittering across the floor, having been captured in webbing by SueLeeta. She was frantically pulling him to safety. The Dark Overlord looked around to see Glorious Robert, likewise, being pulled away. It was obvious that the Fisherman’s arm was broken. Zorlando was safe, but his sword was gone. His buckler had also been cracked in two. Sir Dalton stood next to SueLeeta. Despite everything, he was glaring defiantly at the Dark Overlord.

  The Dark Overlord looked amused, until he spotted me. “You are still standing, too. It seems I’ve lost my touch for mass murder.”

  “I said I was going to kill you,” I said.

  “You and what army?” replied Grebthar boredly.

  “You mean me and what badger?” I sneered, activating my new Beast Master perk, Summon Companion.

  ● Summon Companion allows limited telepathic communication and the ability to summon your companion, as long as they are within 2 leagues of your present location. They will appear immediately or at a point of your choosing. The companion has the ability to refuse this summons, if you place them in a point of overwhelming danger.

  The Dark Overlord looked up, as a horse-sized, dripping wet badger fell from above. He landed squarely on top of the god. Badgelor was the size of a well-fed Clydesdale, only broader. Well, more like two overweight Clydesdales standing next to each other. That, coupled with his massive claws and sharp teeth, made him a veritable wood chipper when he landed on someone.

  Assuming, he started moving at some point.

  “He’s unconscious,” yelled SueLeeta.

  “I see that,” I replied.

  “Why is Badgelor sleeping?” yelled Zorlando. “We are in a battle!”

  “He will wake up shortly. Then, he will kill him,” I replied, watching the massive form of the badger being pushed around by the smaller form underneath him.

  “Why is he all wet?” asked Glorious Robert. The Fisherman stumbled toward Fenris and lifted the Warden onto his shoulder with his good arm.

  “He was taking a bath. He wanted to be nice and clean when he killed the Dark Overlord,” I groaned.

  “You shouldn’t go to sleep when you are taking a bath. Bad things can happen,” stated Sir Dalton, nursing his hand. “I learned that the hard way.”

  “I never get any badass moments,” I muttered, as Badgelor’s unconscious form was tossed aside. He landed in a pile, as an extremely wet, angry Godling glared at me.

  “WET FURS,” he shrieked, as his arm hovered off the ground and snapped back into place. “Your master strike is to pile wet furs on top of me to suffocate me? FOOLS. All of you are nothing but fools.”

  “Why don’t you guys get out of here? I’ve got to kill him now,” I said, stepping forward, brandishing my sword.

  “Jim, I’m all for heroic last stands, but I didn’t even last ten seconds versus him. I had help, too,” said Glorious Robert.

  “No one is leaving,” screamed the Dark Overlord, frantically holding up his hands. “This was fun for a while, but it’s grown tiresome. Now, we are going to play a game called Evaporate the Idiots. Hi, idiots!”

  A massive Fireball formed in Grebthar’s hand, the uninjured one, also known as the One That Still Had All Five Fingers.

  ● Hellball, Base Damage 640.

  I charged into the path of the spell, bringing up my strongest barrier. I knew it wouldn’t stop such a powerful spell, but I did it on instinct. I prepared to slam myself into the Hellball, hoping that prematurely detonating it would keep the rest of the party alive.

  “You’ll know when you get to hell. It's cooler there!” screamed the Dark Overlord. By now, I could feel the heat of the Hellball from nearly thirty feet away. He leveled the molten orange ball at my chest before launching it. The spell brushed aside my barrier contemptuously and struck me square in the chest.

  ● Hellball, you suffer 22 Damage, Damage Resistance ignored 618 points

  The Dark Overlord looked shocked for all of one instant. Then, he extended his good hand toward me and let fly with a massive stream of acid. I charged down the stream like an anime character, Cooler if I had to pick one, popping out at the last second to slash at the asshole.

  ● Jim’s Damage: Acid Geyser, 3 points of Damage per second

  ● Grebthar’s Damage: Sword Slash, 35 points Damage

  I hit him five more times and followed up with a series of Quick Strikes. He tried, and failed, to block my strikes. Each time I struck him, his Hit Points went down for a split second. Then, they snapped back up to full. It went on like that, until I executed a brilliant strike to his left thigh.

  ● Dark Overlord, Godling of Magic, Hero of Legend

  ● HP: 647/700

  “Your Overheal pool is empty,” I said, as I waited out my attack cooldowns.

  “I really am starting to dislike you,” stated Grebthar. I closed with him, activating Hack and Slash and Quick Strike. The Dark Overlord swung his mace in retaliation.

  ● Dark Overlord: Divine Strikes, Divine Skills: 8 Strikes.

  ● Jim: Quick Striking Hack and Slash: You may execute 5 + 5 attacks. Cost 35 Stamina.

  Just like that, two of my strikes got through. They tore chunks of flesh out of the Dark Overlord, even as he stumbled backward. He tried to find a stance to counter me, but I didn’t let up. Dodging his return strikes, I continued fighting with him, sword to sword. He launched himself forward. I met him in the air, anxious to see if I could split him in half.

  “I thought you said you easily won your duel with Jim,” said Glorious Robert.

  “I thought you said he couldn’t Dodge any attacks,” replied Sir Dalton.

  Zorlando struggled by, taking the unconscio
us form of Fenris from Glorious Robert. “Jim was not fighting you seriously.”

  “What?” asked Glorious Robert, repositioning Fenris’ other arm. Sir Dalton frowned and looked away.

  “I have seen Jim fight before. He only really fights when his life is in danger,” stated Zorlando. “Any other time, he isn’t really trying.”

  “I know warriors like that,” whispered Glorious Robert, as the Dark Overlord and I launched ourselves into the air again. Again, the Dark Overlord was sent crashing into the hard stone floor.

  “Mind you, I’ve never seen him this angry before,” said Zorlando.

  I was in a world consisting of me and Grebthar.

  “Are your friends so impressed because you aren’t dead yet? Do they think this is some sort of show?” growled the Dark Overlord, extending his hand toward them. The action forced me to block his spell. It rebounded into the chamber, causing no real Damage. In spite of being a god, a vein over the Dark Overlord’s left eye started throbbing. “All of them are fools, especially her. What is she even doing?”

  As he tensed to strike, I moved between him and SueLeeta. He didn’t, though. Instead, he activated a Counterspell on my old sword, breaking my attunement to it. Then, he magically drew it to his hand.

  “You know the funny thing, Jim?” asked the Dark Overlord. “If you hadn’t said you were into the girl, I would have let her live.”

  “Why?” I asked. There had been no reason for it.

  “Someone needs a reason to fight the Dark Overlord, and I’m certain Grebthar won’t be doing it,” stated the god, as the shadowy ichor of his body began to smoke away. For a moment, I thought he was healing, but, moment by moment, the shadows grew darker. “Want to see another trick?”

  SueLeeta screamed, as the Dark Overlord’s body became wreathed in shadow. He looked like some sort of nightmare creature. I felt the color draining from my face. My stomach froze, and my legs turned to jelly.