Body Talk

by Kelly Jensen

  “She’ll have to be fitted for a back brace,” the doctor says. “She’ll have to wear it for a year or two.”

  Mami calculates how much this will cost. There are various appointments, and the only thing I’ll remember later is the day we go to pick up the brace. My parents both come, dressed in their Sunday best, because talking to doctors always seems so important.

  The doctor teases me: “Why are you so serious? It’s not the end of the world.”

  I scowl even more. He doesn’t know how I’ve already started covering my body. Now I will have the weight of plastic armor to remind me this ugly shape must be concealed.

  I am allowed to take the brace off for only two hours a day. When I do, I caress my stomach, and the skin feels foreign to me.

  Wisin & Yandel Declare Noche de Sexo

  His name is Tito, and we are in his bedroom. His parents are gone for the day, shopping or attending church or something. It’s been a few months since I stopped wearing the back brace, and Tito is the first boy to pay me some attention. Or maybe he’s the first boy I’m letting take notice. We are alone on his bed, and the window is open, so I can hear our friends playing outside. My heart races because I know what’s going to happen next, because I’ve been wanting it to happen. He’s gentle, but the room is way too bright.

  “Can’t we pull the curtains?” I ask.

  Tito wants to see everything. He wants to see me. I want to hide under the sheets.

  “Come here,” he says.

  Tito places me in front of the mirror and forces me to look at myself, and I can’t. I stare at the floor. At his hands on my waist. At the dust accumulating in the corner of the bedroom. When he says he loves me, I believe his words are directed to another girl, not this girl.

  But Ivy Queen Only Wants to Dance

  I’m eighteen years old and a freshman in college. I hang out with a circle of badass girls. One more powerful than the next. They are from all over—New York, California, Chicago—and have shortened names we invented: La Sylvia, Tina, Tere, Mari. They drink too much, talk too loudly, take over spaces. On Fridays we head to the only club in the small college town we now call home. As we get ready to step out, I grab another oversized black T-shirt.

  They yell at me, “Why are you hiding all of this?” They dress me in form-fitting skirts. They pull my hair away from my face.

  In the club, they smoke and grind up on college boys and keep them wanting more. Soon I am also doing this. With each Friday night, I slowly shed my inhibitions. I turn to vintage shops and buy dresses that fit my hourglass shape. I look at mirrors and feel OK about what I see. Just OK. I’m not in love, not yet. In fact, I sometimes try to revert to hiding my now curvy body, but my friends won’t allow me to. They remind me of my power. When I enter the club, I feel invincible. Sometimes I even feel beautiful.

  “Soy Caro” and Bad

  “Why do you take so many selfies?” she asks. The woman smiles. She’s genuinely confused. She thinks I should dress way more conservatively and not show too much. That I definitely shouldn’t take up too much space.

  Later that night I post another selfie, a sexy one. One in which I look right at the camera and think of the many times I couldn’t even look at myself. The woman hits the heart button because she’s paying attention to me admiring myself. I keep taking selfies. I don’t care. I love my cellulite, my stretches, my Puerto Rican ass, my broken nose, my Iris Chacón–esque breasts. I wear sequin skirts like Iris’s and think, Yes, I’ve arrived. I make up for all those years of hiding and thinking I wasn’t worth it. This body has transformed, and the negative remix in my head sometimes pops up to remind me of the past, but I quickly switch to another tune. I listen to Bad Bunny nonstop and stare at his gel nails, in awe of how things have changed.

  I take another selfie and get into this bumping perreo.

  Further Reading

  There is no shortage of incredible books for readers who want to take an even deeper dive into the wild world of bodies. In the list below, you’ll find some excellent fiction and nonfiction titles that explore the various aspects of having and operating a body.

  For a fuller exploration of mental health and mental illness—which has been discussed throughout the book but has not been the focus of it—pick up (Don’t) Call Me Crazy: 33 Voices Start the Conversation about Mental Health.

  Nonfiction

  Beauty Is a Verb: The New Poetry of Disability by Jennifer Bartlett, Sheila Black, Michael Northen

  The Bite of the Mango by Mariatu Kamara

  The Body Image Workbook for Teens by Julia V. Taylor

  The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

  The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

  Taking Flight by Michaela DePrince

  Fiction

  Akata Witch and Akata Warrior by Nnedi Okorafor (albinism)

  Bone Gap by Laura Ruby (face blindness)

  Braced by Alyson Gerber (scoliosis)

  El Deafo by Cece Bell (deafness)

  Far from You by Tess Sharpe (chronic pain)

  Five Flavors of Dumb by Antony John (deafness)

  How We Roll by Natasha Friend (alopecia)

  The Lake Effect by Erin McCahan (Crohn’s disease)

  The Last Leaves Falling by Fox Benwell (ALS)

  North of Beautiful by Justina Chen (port-wine stain)

  The One Thing by Marci Lyn Curtis (blindness)

  Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis (mutism, amputation)

  Out of My Mind by Sharon Draper (cerebral palsy)

  Pinned by Sharon G. Flake (limb difference)

  Run by Kody Keplinger (blindness)

  Send Me a Sign by Tiffany Schmidt (cancer)

  Shark Girl by Kelly Bingham (amputation)

  Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo (limp)

  A Time to Dance by Padma Venkatraman (amputation)

  Two Girls Staring at the Ceiling by Lucy Frank (Crohn’s disease)

  Unbroken edited by Marieke Nijkamp (all disabled main characters)

  When I Was the Greatest by Jason Reynolds (Tourette’s syndrome)

  You’re Welcome, Universe by Whitney Gardner (deafness)

  Also check out these Rad Body Activists

  Steve Post (whose “fat-in” in 1967 brought awareness to size discrimination)

  Lew Louderback (whose 1967 Saturday Evening Post essay launched the fat acceptance movement)

  Judy Freespirit and Aldebaran (founders of Fat Underground in 1972)

  Tasha Fierce

  Amy Pence Brown

  Charlotte Cooper

  Virgie Tovar

  Corissa Enneking

  Aarti Olivia Dubey

  Evette Dionne

  Miguel M. Morales

  Contributor Bios

  Tyra Banks is the supermodel, super entrepreneur, and super CEO of our time. As an original Victoria’s Secret Angel, the first African American model to be featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and the creator/executive producer of one of the longest-running competition shows, America’s Next Top Model, Tyra has made it her life’s mission to expand the definition of beauty and empower women worldwide. In 2012, she graduated from the Owner/President Management program at Harvard Business School, and now she teaches personal branding at Stanford University’s business school. She has been listed twice among Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World.”

  Kelly Bastow is a comic creator and illustrator from Newfoundland, Canada. Her work primarily features women and nature, and she also creates many autobiographical comics.

  Shane Burcaw is the author of two memoirs—Laughing at My Nightmare and Strangers Assume My Girlfriend Is My Nurse—and the picture book Not So Different: What You Really Want to Ask about Having a Disability. He is the founder of a nonprofit
organization that provides adaptive technology to people living with muscular dystrophy. He and his fiancée, Hannah Aylward, are the duo behind the popular YouTube channel Squirmy and Grubs, which documents their interabled relationship. He and Hannah live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, with their pet rats, Ducky and Squirt.

  Roshani Chokshi is the author of commercial and critically acclaimed books for middle-grade and young adult readers that transport audiences to fantastical worlds heavily inspired by world mythology and folklore. Her work has been nominated for Locus and Nebula awards and has frequently appeared on Best of the Year lists from Barnes & Noble, BuzzFeed, and more. Her New York Times bestselling series include the Star-Touched Queen duology, the Gilded Wolves, and Aru Shah and the End of Time, which was recently optioned for film by Paramount Pictures.

  Patricia S. Elzie (@theinfophile) is a researcher, writer, blogger, librarian, and podcaster. She spent many years as a sex educator and interpersonal-communication expert and still enjoys giving advice about sex, dating, and getting your life together. She lives with her wife in Oakland, California, where they both read and bake with large amounts of enthusiasm.

  Kati Gardner is the author of Brave Enough and Finding Balance. She is a childhood cancer survivor and amputee. She sadly doesn’t watch General Hospital anymore. She lives in North Carolina with her family.

  Alex Gino is the author of the middle-grade novels Rick; You Don’t Know Everything, Jilly P!; and the Stonewall Book Award–winning George (informally known as Melissa’s Story). They love glitter, ice cream, gardening, awe-ful puns, and stories that reflect the diversity and complexity of being alive. Born and raised on Staten Island, New York, they now enjoy living in Oakland, California.

  Eugene Grant is a writer and activist. He has been published in the Guardian, the New Statesman, and the Independent and has appeared in televised documentaries and debates. He lives in the UK with his partner.

  I. W. Gregorio is a surgeon by day, masked avenging YA writer by night. A founding member of We Need Diverse Books, she is the author of This Is My Brain in Love and the Lambda Literary Award finalist None of the Above. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and two children.

  Gavin Grimm is a twenty-year-old transgender-rights activist, best known as the plaintiff represented by the ACLU in G. G. v. GCPSB. Gavin is also nationally recognized as an advocate and educational speaker for the trans community. A trans man himself, Gavin has been advocating for the community since he was fifteen and banned from the boys’ bathroom at his Virginia high school.

  Kate Hart is the author of After the Fall and a contributor to the anthologies Toil and Trouble, Hope Nation, and Out Now. After earning degrees in Spanish and history, Kate worked in early education and taught middle school, then wrote grants and marketing materials for a nonprofit serving adults with disabilities. She was also a weekly contributor to YA Highway, three-time pick for Writer’s Digest’s “101 Best Websites for Writers.” Today she owns Natural State Treehouses with her spouse and sells woodworking and fiber arts at TheBadasserie.net. Kate is a citizen of the Chickasaw Nation, with Choctaw heritage, and lives with her family in Northwest Arkansas.

  Kelly Jensen is a former teen librarian who worked in several public libraries before pursuing a full-time career in writing and editing. Her current position is with Book Riot (bookriot.com), where she focuses on talking about young adult literature. Her books include Here We Are: Feminism for the Real World and (Don’t) Call Me Crazy, a collection of art, essays, and words to launch a powerful and important conversation about mental health. It was named a best book of 2018 by the Washington Post and earned a Schneider Family Book Award Honor.

  Kate Bigam Kaput is a writer, editor, and digital media strategist based in Cleveland, Ohio, where she lives with her husband, two cats, and a seemingly bottomless collection of books. She blogs at GreatestEscapist.com.

  Kiran Gandhi, who performs as Madame Gandhi, is an electronic-music artist and activist based in Los Angeles. She studied mathematics at Georgetown University and worked as the first-ever data analyst at Interscope Records before going on to receive her MBA from Harvard. Having gained recognition as the former drummer for the artist M.I.A. and as the viral free-bleeding runner at the 2015 London Marathon, Madame Gandhi now produces music that elevates and celebrates the female voice.

  Rachael Lippincott is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Five Feet Apart. She currently resides in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

  Carolyn London is a retired professional photographer; mother to Tyra Banks and her brother, Devin; the CEO emeritus of the Tyra Banks Company; and the cofounder of the TZONE Foundation. She has five grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

  amanda lovelace is the author of the celebrated Women Are Some Kind of Magic series. Somehow, she is also the two-time winner of the Goodreads Choice Award for best poetry, as well as a USA Today and Publishers Weekly bestselling author. When she isn’t reading, writing, or drinking a much-needed cup of coffee, you can find her casting spells from her home in a (very) small town on the Jersey Shore.

  Alicia Lutes is a screenwriter, essayist, and cultural critic based in Los Angeles, California. She has written for Vulture, Elle, Playboy, MTV News, Cosmopolitan, Stylist, Well+Good, Bustle, and more. Previously, she was the managing editor at Nerdist, where she was also the creator and host of the web series Fangirling.

  John McGinty is an actor who happens to be Deaf and lives in both the English-speaking world and that of American Sign Language. He acted in two Broadway revivals and is an advocate for diversity and inclusion in the arts. He is excited to work with the next generation of people who are doing inclusive and diverse theater.

  Anna-Marie McLemore (they/them) was born in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains and taught by their family to hear La Llorona in the Santa Ana winds. Anna-Marie is the author of The Weight of Feathers, a finalist for the 2016 William C. Morris Debut Award; the 2017 Stonewall Honor Book When the Moon Was Ours, which was longlisted for the National Book Award for Young People’s Literature and won the James Tiptree Jr. Award; Wild Beauty, a Kirkus Best Book of 2017; and Blanca & Roja, a New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice. Their latest is Dark and Deepest Red, a reimagining of The Red Shoes based on true medieval events.

  D. M. Moehrle is a writer and librarian living in Ventura, California. She has written for the Rumpus, Teen Vogue, Shondaland.com, and other publications. You can follow her on social media: @loather.

  Julie Murphy lives in North Texas with her husband, who loves her; her dog, who adores her; and her cats, who tolerate her. After several wonderful years in the library world, Julie now writes full-time. When she’s not writing or reliving her reference-desk glory days, she can be found watching made-for-TV movies, hunting for the perfect slice of cheese pizza, and planning her next great travel adventure. She is also the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the young adult novels Dumplin’ (now a film on Netflix), Puddin’, Ramona Blue, Side Effects May Vary, and Faith: Taking Flight. Dear Sweet Pea is her debut middle-grade novel.

  Junauda Petrus-Nasah is a writer, pleasure activist, filmmaker, and performance artist born on Dakota land, of Black-Caribbean descent. Her work centers around wildness, queerness, Black-diasporic futurism, ancestral healing, sweetness, shimmer, and liberation. She lives in Minneapolis with her wife and family.

  Benjamin Pu is a 2020 campaign reporter for NBC News. When Ben isn’t on the road, covering the election, he lives in New York City. He received his bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Santa Barbara.

  Aly Raisman is a gold-medal-winning Olympic gymnast who captained the US team to victories in 2012 and 2016. She has won six Olympic medals overall and was a member of two gold-medal-winning World Championships teams. Aly is a native of Needham, Massachusetts, and her love for the sport can be traced back to a “mommy and me” gymnastics class she took as an eighteen- month-old. Aly is a l
eader on and off the floor and is a fierce advocate for body positivity.

  Nat Razi is an environmental adviser, fantasy novelist, and amateur baker. She works as an editor at Disability in Kidlit and advocates for disability-inclusive environmental policy. She was living in New York City when this bio was written, but she never stays in one place for long.

  Lilliam Rivera is the award-winning author of the young adult novels Dealing in Dreams and The Education of Margot Sanchez, both published by Simon & Schuster. Her work has appeared in the Washington Post, the New York Times, and Elle, to name a few. Lilliam lives in Los Angeles.

  Sara Saedi is a TV writer in Los Angeles. She currently writes for the CW show Katy Keene. She’s also written three YA books, including her memoir, Americanized: Rebel without a Green Card. You can find her at SaraSaediWriter.com.

  Abby Sams is a disabled activist and college student who enjoys public speaking and educating. She runs a small low-waste online store and uses her free time to do wheelchair races around the country in order to raise awareness for rare illnesses.

  Jourdain Searles is a writer, performer, and cultural critic who hails from Augusta, Georgia, and currently resides in Queens, New York. She has written for many outlets, including Bitch Media, the AV Club, Vulture, and MTV News. Jourdain is a feminist with a passion for empowering women and girls from marginalized communities.

  Writer and body-positive activist Mars Sebastian (better known as MarsinCharge on social media) aims to empower and encourage through her work. She believes that the self is a forever-shifting concept. She hopes you enjoy this collection and think of her piece in it as a representation of who she was at the time of its creation.

  Eric Smith is a literary agent and author from Elizabeth, New Jersey. He’s worked on award-winning and New York Times bestselling books, and when he isn’t busy helping authors with their books, he sometimes writes his own. His latest novels include The Girl and the Grove and Don’t Read the Comments. He lives in Philadelphia with his wife, son, and corgi. He still listens to musicals every single day but avoids Christmas music.