by Dawn Doyle
“I said no,” I snapped, standing up. My fists were clenched so fucking tight, my nails dug into my palms, and my wrists began to ache. The chair scraped the floor as I kicked it back, and some students jumped out of the way to avoid it, but I was past giving a fuck if it hit anybody. “So leave me the fuck alone.”
“Jesus!” Justin hissed. “We just asked if you were coming, what’s the damn problem?”
I paused, grinding my jaw before I rounded on him. “The damn problem is that when I say no, you have to fucking push and push. Take my first fucking answer like you used to.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t deserve my anger—none of them did.
“Sorry, man,” he said.
“You don’t have to be sorry about anything,” I muttered. “Just…” I lifted my eyes and saw my friends’ concerned expressions as they waited for me to continue. “Not today.”
I had too much on my damn mind to have a conversation with anybody, even them. The past twenty-four hours had been a mind fuck, and it’d take just one asshole to set me off. I didn’t want to take Shay’s accusations out on the people who’d been there for me since I’d started at this college.
Nobody said a word as I headed out of the food hall, and I was glad. Bodies made a pathway when they saw me coming, seeing the old Eastyn and knowing to stay out of my fucking way. I got outside before any fucker tried to talk to me.
“East, hold on!” Casey yelled as he jogged across the green toward me.
I didn’t stop and wait for him to catch up. “I need to get out of here.”
“Need company?” he asked, slowing down as he reached my side.
“No. I don’t want it, either,” I said, hoping he would take the damn hint and fuck off. My anger increased as I regretted those thoughts. Casey was my best friend, the guy that kept all of my dark secrets. I fucking owed it to him to have a straight conversation without tearing his head off. I stopped and dropped my head back. “Damn it.”
“Hey, I know this isn’t a good time, East, but I’ve got a feeling things will turn out okay.”
“She thought I psycho-analyzed her, Case,” I ground out. “Shay. She thought I would do that to her. Why the fuck would she have that in her head? Did I not make it fucking clear what I wanted?” My raised voice began drawing attention to us, so I began walking again, picking up the pace which made Casey run to catch up again.
“She heard you talking to my mom about your assignment, East. You told me you turned around and she was there, but you didn’t stop to ask what she heard, did you?”
“She heard what she wanted, so what’s your damn point?” And I let her walk away thinking it was true, but she only had to ask me; she only had to stop for a fucking second instead of assuming I was like her dickhead ex, and I would’ve told her the truth. But, she was too far gone and too pissed to hear me out, so I let her go. I grabbed the door handle and yanked it open, then took the stairs two-at-a-time to get to my dorm
“Shay’s distraught,” he spat, following me inside, and I narrowed my eyes, wondering how the fuck he knew how she was. “I went over to her place, East. I could smell the bleach before I even got to her fucking door.” He kicked mine shut, and then sat on my couch.
“What? Why the fuck did you do that?” I asked, glaring at him as my rage continued to take over. “What the hell did you say to her?”
“What she needed to hear!” he countered, standing up and getting in my face. Casey knew not to do that; he knew what could happen if I lost it. “Do you even know what just happened here?” He snorted a laugh. “You have no fucking clue, do you? You think your psych eval was to help the both of you, for you to work out your shit so you could be good for her, but you didn’t fucking need it, East. You did just damn fine all by yourself.”
I gripped his shirt and dragged him up to my eye-level “Don’t fucking push it, Casey,” I growled. “You’re my best friend, but I’m telling you one more time. Don’t. Push. It.”
“You’re not panicking, East,” he said, his snarl relaxing into a smile.
“What did you say?”
He nodded, then jerked his chin to the door. “It’s not locked, man.”
I snatched my hands back and he dropped down to his feet. I glanced to the door and back to him. My abs clenched now that I knew somebody could just walk in. “Fucking lock it, Casey.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “No.”
“No?” I asked incredulously. I made a move to do it my damn self when he blocked my path, leaning back against the door. “Move, Casey.”
“No,” he repeated. “Nothing’s going to happen, East. You’re not going to hurt anybody, and nobody’s coming to hurt you.”
“I fucking know that,” I growled, and reached out, but he pushed my hand away. “I’m warning you.”
“What are you gonna do?” he goaded. “Hit me? Come on, East, we both know why you do this.”
“Fuck you, Case.”
“No, fuck you,” he countered, and made a point of resting his foot against the door, just like I’d done with Shay.
Shay. I’d fucked up by not telling her what I was doing—what I was trying to do.
“Please, Casey, just move.”
“Do you honestly think I’d be standing right here if you weren’t getting better? Come on, I’d already be thrown across the room if you really thought you were going to hurt anybody.”
“I hurt you!” I yelled, my nostrils flaring as I breathed hard. “I hurt you, Casey, and I swore I wouldn’t let that happen again, so fucking move.”
He held his arms out. “How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t blame you?” He straightened from the door, keeping his arms out. “It wasn’t your fault, man. Those evil fuckers did that. They made you jump at every damn noise, every person that looked at you… I’ve never thought bad of you for that day, East, so quit fucking blaming yourself for hurting me, ‘cos I don’t!”
“I should never have done that,” I whispered, the bridge of my nose stung like a mother fucker, and my eyes filled. “I didn’t mean to…”
Don’t you fucking cry! Don’t you fucking dare!
I hadn’t shed a single tear, not a single fucking drop, but while Casey stared at me, I felt myself cracking at the seams, the years of holding it in trying to break free.
“I’m still here, East. There’s not a day that goes by that I regret walking in on you, no matter what happened because of it.”
“I killed you,” I choked out, my knees finally giving way from under me, and I sank to the floor as tears streamed down my face. “I thought you were one of them, and I fucking killed you.” I lifted my hands and stared at them, remembering the day I wrapped them around his neck and squeezed until he stopped breathing. I broke down as his lifeless face flashed through my mind, and his limp body lay at my feet.
“No, you didn’t.” Casey crouched down and pressed his hand against my shoulders as they jerked up and down. “This is the last time we’re gonna go over this, okay? I never died, East, no matter what you think you did. I woke up after being choked out. I knew better than to barge in on one of my mom’s patients, but I did it anyway.”
“I still did it.” I ground the heels of my hands into my eyes. I wanted to feel anything but the pain tearing through me. “I still did it,” I whispered again, then the agony that was ripping through me finally escaped.
I collapsed to the floor, and held my head in my hands while I bawled my eyes out like a fucking baby. It was everywhere, every inch of me; every millimeter. I felt the stabbings all over again, every slice, every cigarette burn that sizzled as it was twisted into my skin, every kick from hard black boots, every punch that slammed into my body, I was back in that cell and being held down while my teenaged body was beaten and broken, then left in a pool of my own blood and piss, unconscious and alone, only to have it start all over again when the bruises had barely faded.
“Get it all out, East, because your woman needs you just as m
uch as you need her.”
I did, and I didn’t stop until I was numb.
Chapter 14
Shay
There weren’t many things that I’d regretted in my life, but as I sat on my newly delivered sofa, the main one gnawed at me still. Eastyn hadn’t used me, yet I’d made sure I’d found him guilty without giving him a chance to explain.
I continued staring into space, going over the entire situation again and again, shame filling me when I saw myself ranting like a maniac. I leaned forward, pulling my knees to my chest and hugging them tight. The thick black cushions allowed me to roll against the backrest, the soft fabric the same as the one in Eastyn’s dorm.
I should’ve canceled the order, but it was the furthest thing from my mind after what I’d done to him. He would never forgive me, but I had to at least apologize for my behavior.
After a few minutes, I uncurled from my ball of misery and picked up my phone from the small wooden coffee table, checking the screen. A message from Mason, saying again that he was proud of me, and glad I’d put my foot down with our overbearing parents. That night was a turning point for me. It took a while, but when I was with Mason and Sabrina, I recalled what’d been said, and I hadn’t clammed up. I took a stand and told them I wasn’t adhering to their demands. I’d never given it a second thought when I opened my mouth and told my parents exactly what I thought, and in the company of others.
And it was truly liberating.
Because of Eastyn.
My hands shook as I brought up my messages, typing out an apology, but I couldn’t bring myself to send it. My trembling thumb hovered over the green circle with the white arrow in what felt like an eternity, until I deleted it.
I scrolled up the screen, reading through our messages to each other, and my chin wobbled as I went through every word and silly emoji that we’d sent, my eyes misting again when I saw the happiness typed out on the screen, and all of the times he’d shown I was on his mind as much as he was on mine.
I can’t leave it like this.
“You have to tell him, Shay,” I said into the air as I looked at my reflection in the mirror across the room. The oval captured my head and shoulders, but even just that area, it was obvious I was a mess.
Mascara was smeared under my eyes from crying, and the skin was puffy with red splotches over my cheeks. It made sense why the delivery people gave me odd looks when they came in this morning. It was no wonder because I was still in my pajamas from the night before.
I had to own up to my mistake, and I had to do it in person. I just hoped that if Eastyn heard me out, that he would forgive me. But, if he walked away from me when I was done, then I had to live with his decision, no matter how much it would kill me.
Smiling faces walked past me as I sat in my car, staring out of the windshield at the place I’d dreaded coming to all day. I knew Eastyn would be in class, but I needed to be here right now, otherwise I could’ve lost my courage and stayed home, wallowing in, as Casey put it so bluntly, my self pity.
He was right, though. I’d allowed my past to rule my head for too long, and I had let it go for good. So, I was going to make it happen, and the first thing was to get out of my car.
My stomach lurched when I spotted Linc and Casey, chatting animatedly while they gathered attention from passing women. Linc seemed to notice them first, grinning and pumping his brows while Casey jerked his chin up in acknowledgment, then bit down on his lower lip which had the young women giggling to each other.
“Casey, can I talk to you for a moment?” I asked, but he continued to stare at the bare legs walking past them. “Please, Casey.”
He watched for a few more seconds, then turned to Linc, who stared down at me as though I were a stranger, and rightly so. “I’ll catch you later, man, just make sure you leave the blonde for me.”
Linc punched him in the arm and grinned, then gestured down himself. “If she wants this, who am I to deny her?” he asked, his arms open wide as he stepped backward. “There’s plenty of me to go around, dude, so they won’t need to fight over me.”
“Yeah, but that’s just your big head,” Casey countered, flipping him off. “I don’t think anybody wants a piece of your thick skull.”
Linc bumped his fist against his temple. “Ya think?” He chuckled, then turned around, giving us his back. “I’ll let you know after I catch up with the ladies.”
Casey shook his head as he laughed, his expression falling when he looked at me. “What is it, Shay?”
Butterflies began swarming inside of me and my knees trembled. “Eastyn’s class finishes soon, right?”
“So?” he asked with a shrug, his brows dipping.
“Do you think he’ll talk to me?” It was better to get his opinion rather than showing up and Eastyn ignoring me.
“How should I know?” He shrugged again, and his voice rose a little higher.
“You spoke to him yesterday. I thought you would have some idea if—”
“Shay, is there a point to your questions, or are you just here to interrogate me about Eastyn?” He rolled his eyes and stared at nothing before sliding his eyes back to mine. “Look, he didn’t go to class today, okay?”
My heart thudded. “What? Why? Is he okay? Casey—”
“Jeez, Shay, calm the fuck down. He just needed a break, God.” The corner of his mouth twitched and his eyes sparkled with humor, but he masked it the second it appeared.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded. “This is serious, Casey. I made a mistake and I want to apologize for it. I need to speak to Eastyn, so if you’re not going to help me do that, to admit that I royally fucked up, then you can go to hell. I’ll find him myself, even it takes all damn day.” At that, Casey’s crooked smile spread across his face. “What is wrong with you?”
“Wow,” he said, finally. “That was so un-Shay of you.”
I flinched back and my face screwed up in confusion. “Huh?”
He tapped his temple and leaned toward me. “Think about it, Shay. I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure it out.”
I lifted my hand and began walking away. “I don’t have time for this crap.” I could hear Casey chuckling behind me, and I wanted to know why he thought this situation was funny, but I had more important things to do.
“He’s in his dorm,” he called out. “He’s been there all day. Said he’s busy with something, and most likely will be all night.”
I turned in a full circle as I said with a little too much venom, “Thank you.” It was when I turned back, it hit me. I guess I had another thing to thank Eastyn for.
Don’t back out now, Shay.
I clenched my hands and released them a few times before I opened the door to the building. My footsteps echoed around the inside of the empty stairwell, my shoes making light tapping noises as I slowly took the steps.
When I got to the second floor and through the next door, I stopped outside Eastyn’s dorm like I’d done may times before, but this time, I was alone.
He wasn’t standing behind me, reaching around me to put the key in the lock while his lips worked down my neck, or while his other arm wrapped around my waist, pulling my back tightly to his front and covering me with his heat.
My fist shook uncontrollably as I lifted it, and I closed my eyes as though not seeing the evidence of my nervousness meant it wasn’t happening.
But it was. My entire body was trembling, but the second my knuckles rapped against the white painted surface, it was too late to turn away.
The click of the lock accelerated my pulse, and as I waited with bated breath for the door to open, my heartbeat thudded harder and harder against my sternum.
What does this mean?
He always locked his door, so what was he doing?
I knocked again, a little louder, and waited. “Eastyn?” I asked, barely above a whisper.
“Come in,” he said, his voice deep and flat.
I opened the door, and my gaze instantly fell on the dark f
igure sitting on his couch, slouching back with a dark-blue binder in his hands, and he was reading.
My binder!
“Shut the door,” he said without looking up, and I did, immediately locking it behind me.
I took a couple of steps on nervous feet, my hands held firmly in front of my churning stomach. The desperate need to go to him, to hold him, to cry out how sorry I was burned me from the inside out, but I stopped myself while his eyes flew across the page and his brows scrunched in concentration.
“Eastyn, I—”
He held his finger up to silence me while he read, and my mouth hung open as his finger hung in the air. A minute later, he snapped the binder closed, and set it down next to him.
He slowly lifted his gaze to me from my discarded novel, and my throat closed over. His eyes were so dark that even the green pools seemed to disappear. His jaw ticked and his nostrils flared, giving him a dangerous appearance. His hardened expression made me ache between my legs, his penetrative stare making my nipples pinch tight and protrude from my thin, white gypsy top, calling to him. I couldn’t stop my reaction even if I wanted to, and I didn’t.
His tongue darted out over his bottom lip as he continued to stare. When he began to move, I froze, remaining glued to the spot as he slowly stood and moved to face me.
I opened my mouth to speak, willing my misting eyes to just stop and let me get out what I wanted to say without becoming a blubbering mess again, but before my words could come out, Eastyn cupped my face in his large hands.
“Once I started, I couldn’t stop,” he said, looking down at my mouth. “I read every fucking word.”
“Eastyn—”
My words were cut off when his lips pressed against mine, his kiss gentle, yet torturous. I didn’t know what was happening. Well, of course I knew, but why? This was so confusing, to me, to my sanity, to my heart… I’d hurt him and he was making me pay by kissing me?
His hand snaked around my back as the same time his lips parted, and I welcomed the deepening of the kiss as his tongue slid into my mouth, swirling with mine.
