All The Things You'll Never Know

by Olivia Antonio

All The Things You'll Never Know

  by Olivia Antonio

  A broken heart can feel mended when you meet someone new, but it can break just as quickly when your affection isn't returned. As messy and cruel as heartbreak is, it is also a great teacher. I have learnt what I do, and don't want. What parts of myself need to be repaired before I give my heart away next time. The difference between conditional and unconditional love. Love and all its disguise's and surprises will take you by storm and it is beautiful.

  You Were A Bit Tipsy

  You were a bit tipsy

  And I never drink,

  You laugh all the time, while I cry in my sleep,

  Could you ever love what we had before?

  If I changed my ways and become more?

  We sang close together and I wanted to lean in,

  How would it feel to kiss you again?

  I’ve kissed you in my dreams

  But I want what is real,

  You were my best friend

  Once upon a time,

  Now that we’ve grown up,

  I want to share what I see of our future,

  That so far exists only in my head.

  You’d place your hand on the small of my back

  My skin would tingle,

  And I’d lean back,

  Into your embrace

  For the first time,

  Feels like falling

  For what is already mine.

  You were a bit tipsy

  And I never drink,

  This time I can’t afford to over think

  If I did, I’d chicken out,

  When what I want most

  Is to know you’ll always be around.

  Feels like falling for the first time

  For what is already mine

  I’ll be your lady

  If you be my gentlemen,

  Since I was little I thought we would last.

  Long ago I joked that one day we’d wed

  I’d tell my friends and family this,

  This idea in my head.

  Maybe it wasn’t so funny after all

  What was once an idea could really be my future

  Trunks Of Trees

  I want to doodle your name in the backs of books,

  And carve our initials into the trunks of trees,

  I want to kiss your face,

  And hold your hand while we walk through the falling leaves.

  Never before have I looked at you this way,

  Never before have I laughed so hard,

  That my throat ached for days,

  Maybe its a sign that I've been looking for love in all the wrong ways.

  Darling, I love you,

  Who would have guessed?

  Best friends from years ago,

  Ready to love and reconnect.

  You bring out the happiness in me

  Joy that I didn't know was there,

  you've reawakened my soul,

  I'm shining brightly here.

  Sleeping Confusion

  I awoke for the second time that night,

  Sleeping off the day that was my 21st birthday,

  My face still ached from all the smiling,

  My throat still hurt from all the laughing,

  All that joy emanating from the company of one person.

  I have wondered alone, and aloud, if my heart belongs to him.

  Sometimes I am adamant that it is true,

  Others, I question my own validity of thought.

  But that night, after that blissful day

  I lay in bed, eyes open to a feeling of deep confusion.

  As I examine my mood, my thoughts, my pulse,

  I wonder,

  Am I in Love?

  Or merely

  Lonely?

  Her, Over me

  No

  No

  No

  Not her.

  Never her.

  Why not me?

  I thought I would love you

  Forever and to eternity,

  I know you better,

  I've known you longer;

  I've written songs about you in my sleep,

  I awake from a daydream,

  For only you my knees are weak.

  I feel sick,

  My heart is racing,

  Not again,

  Not this,

  Please, not now,

  When I was finally starting to feel whole,

  My heart was starting to heal.

  I don't want to see you.

  I don't know if I could look at your face,

  Or worse,

  Meet her,

  See her with you,

  Thinking about it hurts enough,

  The Facebook status that I will always curse,

  I wish I hadn't seen it,

  I wish it wasn’t true.

  I'm already dreading the selfies you'll take together,

  The kisses captured on screen,

  The cutesy updates I'll vomit over,

  When it sinks in that your with her, not with me.

  Stupid Sobbing

  Crushed, scarred

  broken, bruised,

  He's with her;

  Blond and beautiful,

  Thin and small,

  I think I might be sick,

  Or better yet sob

  And never leave my room.

  How could he not know?

  That I am deeply,

  Stupidly,

  Foolishly,

  In love with him?

  How could he fall for her instead?

  Easily, I suppose.

  She's stunningly gorgeous

  And I'm just a friend,

  Just a mate;

  Nothing too serious

  To ever consider,

  To ever date,

  Never noticing

  That perhaps I've been not so subtly

  Flirting with him for years.

  I'm going to admit something not very nice.

  But I don't want to see him happier with somebody else,

  I hope the relationship is doomed to end,

  So I don't have to hear of the wonderful tales they've shared,

  Of the glorious trips they've taken,

  Of the kisses they'll savour,

  Of the love they'll make together.

  This. Kills. Me.

  I feel myself breaking,

  I feel the purple bruises forming in my chest,

  I feel the tears threaten to spill,

  I feel our friendship grinding to a standstill.

  Oh shit.

  I'm alone again.

  I'm alone still.

  This pains me more than he will ever know,

  And I wish he did,

  I wish he could see,

  The pain in my eyes,

  That has brought me to my knees,

  The poems he will never read,

  The songs he will never hear me sing,

  The chocked up way I get,

  When I realise we're not meant to be.

  For Years

  I reacted out of bitterness,

  I reacted out of hate,

  All because he choose her instead,

  And I only have myself to blame,

  Because I didn't speak up,

  No, I didn't say a word,

  Of how I've been quietly in love with him for years.

  HIM

  I might do something drastic,

  To stop these feeling from hurting me any more than they already have,

  Drastic, dangerous, deadly,

  A thrill to stop my mind from racing with thoughts of him

  Him

  Who hurt me


  Him

  Who broke me

  Him

  Who once mended me

  Him

  That I can't get over

  Him

  That I don't want to

  Him

  That saved me and lost me just as quickly

  Him

  This isn’t easy

  Him, him, him.

  Love me, leave me, break me

  There is something immensely gut wrenching

  About watching the one you love,

  Love someone else.

  It hurts more than I care to admit,

  It aches more than I can bare,

  I’ve always thought I could deal with heartbreak

  As long as it wasn’t you standing there.

  It's my worst nightmare

  That another girl is in love with you.

  Bound to break me,

  Bound to shake me,

  Ready to bring me to my knees,

  I'd do anything to please.

  Love me, leave me, break me.

  Desires Neglected

  Dolled up,

  Uncomfortable shoes,

  Extra make-up on,

  My heart beats for you.

  I try to impress you,

  To show you how much I've grown.

  I attempt to seduce you,

  You don't take the bait,

  You're a confident guy

  With shy boy qualities,

  Talking to girls isn't your forte'

  Even if you knew,

  And even if you felt the same way,

  I doubt you would have acted on an impulse.

  My mind dares me to,

  To reach out and grab you,

  But I never do.

  I think about it first,

  I write about it some more,

  And by the time I've made up my mind,

  The opportunity has vanished,

  I've missed my final chance

  And I am left with regret

  And a novel on human stupidity and hearts neglect.

  Wish-less

  I don’t want to get over you.

  I didn't think I would have to.

  I was comfortable contemplating that you and me could be

  More than friends,

  More than childhood buddies.

  Guess I'm just a dreamer

  Who dreamed a little too big,

  Who dreamed so much that she wished a wish would come true,

  That my Cinderella fairytale

  Was bound to materialise in the from of love between me and you.

  Alas, I appear to be the ugly step-sister

  Who doesn’t get a wish,

  Who is always an after thought,

  And never deemed beautiful enough to be held in high regard,

  Because he expects perfection,

  When I am frail and scarred.

  I will sit home alone,

  Reading books and writing poems,

  Sobbing to songs about heartbreak and rejection,

  Listen to Sam Smith on repeat,

  As I stare at the ground and never lift my eyes from my feet,

  Jealous of his girlfriend who owns his love and affection,

  Never being a main character,

  But a lowly metaphor of depression.

 

  Friendzone

  He's too selfish to be in a relationship

  But not selfish enough for her,

  He told me he'd been 'friendzoned' too much

  To date

  But apparently

  For her, he'll make an exception

  For her, he'll do anything

  For her, means, not me.

  Beautiful Boy

  You have a beautiful name,

  A gift given on your first day,

  So beautiful that I thought I would name my son after you,

  I will have to forgive you first

  Before I consider the idea again.

  The pictures of us,

  Cheek pressed against cheek,

  Arm in arm,

  Laughter and joy,

  Captured on screen;

  I do not wish to see them,

  To see our smiling faces.

  I hide the picture frames in the back of my closet,

  Where I will not look at them in a long while.

  The social media profiles taunting me;

  I must take photos with other friends,

  To prove I can have a good time without you,

  To show you I can have a life without you in it,

  Even if it feels like a lie.

  I won't initiate contact first,

  I wonder if you ever will.

  I'm always first to start conversations,

  And I ponder if you have the determination and the skill

  To still talk to me,

  To make me laugh,

  To make me forget every bad thing that's ever happened,

  To make me remember the innocence I once possessed,

  To reminisce over the mischief of our shared youth.

  You may try

  At some point in the future,

  To bring laughter to my soul,

  By that time I hope to have forgiven you,

  And we can begin to act normal

  Around each other,

  And I won't have this feeling of being left

  With a dark, empty black hole

  In my chest.

  A Letter To Him

  We're going to be all right,

  We're going to be OK,

  I might not be with you,

  But in the end I know I'll find love in my own way,

  Whether that is with you,

  Or someone else,

  For today, I am fine.

  We are fine.

  We talked,

  We laughed,

  And it was like I was 11 and you were 12

  In the playground

  Falling over and laughing at ourselves.

  You'll learn from her,

  She will teach you lessons

  And one day she'll look back and realise

  That she got to kiss and love the most wonderful man.

  One day I will look back and know

  That I had the treasure of spending my youth with the most precious human on the planet.

  I will always love you

  And in your own way,

  I hope you know that.

  I will always love you,

  But I am also free to love others.

  I will always love you,

  But I also love me too, so I will choice happiness for myself,

  Even if that means choosing someone else.

  This is what I would say to you, if I thought I could.

  The Gift of Love and Knowledge (I forgive you now)

  I believe

  That at the end of your life

  You are asked two questions;

  “How much did you learn?”

  And

  “How much did you love?”

  I think of these questions

  As I lay, snuggled, tucked up in bed,

  Assured in the warmth that the day I have to answer

  Is quite far off yet.

  Yet, I know that I have to start forming my reply now,

  I cannot cram a lifetimes worth of good deeds

  On the eve of my death;

  To be granted permission, to enter without hesitation.

  So I think,

  Of how much hate

  I have sent the happy couple.

  I admit fully to my jealousy,

  I admit freely to my anger,

  That it was her he chose.

  But in the heightened moments of conciseness,

  Usually just as I wake,

  Before I have been tainted by the day,

  I can be honest and truthful and look at my life

  Through the view of Angel Eyes,

  Love them,

  Love them as they ar
e

  and for who they are

  and your day of love will come,

  I hear loud and clear.

  I inhale deeply

  And exhale freely

  Now that I have come to this conclusion;

  My body and mind is not a vessel

  in which hate should be stored;

  my body, mind and soul

  is a carrier of love

  to send, to gift, to spread, to share

  all the loveliness that I can behold.

  Here's To You

  Here's to you

  My gorgeous friend,

  We're not meant to be lovers,

  But friends till the end.

  For that, I am OK,

  For that, I am satisfied,

  That I get to call you,

  No matter the time.

  In our own special way,

  You'll always be mine.

  My adolescent memories

  Are made up from thoughts of you,

  The stupid things we did

  Like pushing trolley carts into pools,

  Running away from school,

  Pretending to be army men and pelicans in the middle of the night

  As we dodged each flicker when we'd play Spotlight.

  My recollections of simpler days

  Will never be tainted

  By the winds of change.

  You're in love

  I'm in lust,

  Sometimes lost,

  And that is the way its meant to be.

  You might not be my sweetheart,

  But I'll always have your company,

  You might not be here right now,

  Or every time I need you,

  But we'll always have a beautiful history.

  Reflections from the author

  As I reflect back on these poems, I feel no attachment or hurt any more. It is a wonderful thing to forgive and be free. Too often I jump at the chance of love, and usually end up heartbroken, and that's OK. I would prefer to give my heart away than kept it locked up. Love is precious and illuminating and I will always choose to love someone than not, however misguided. From this experience I have since gone on to be more fearless, confident and playful when it comes to the world of love and romance. Before writing this, the prospect would have scared me, now I feel bold and ready and open.

  About The Author

  Olivia Antonio is born and raised in Auckland, New Zealand where she lives with her family and day dreams of becoming a famous author, actress and world class baker. Having been inspired by the words of Anne Frank, Olivia immediately took up journaling, which soon blossomed into a love for creative writing and poetry.