by Giacomi, A.
I turn to Agent Williams. “You need to let me go to him.”
He shakes his head. “Eve, I can’t clear you to do that. You know I can’t.”
“You need to do this for me, or I will leave anyway. Do you understand? I have to go. I will not sit here while my best friend dies because of me! I won’t!” I crawl over to Agent Williams and beg on my knees. “Please, you need to help me.”
He looks down at me, and I see pity in his eyes. He cares; he actually cares about my feelings. After a long staring contest, he says, “Fine! But you have to wear a tracker, and you have to go now. I’m not going to risk asking Vallincourt and having him say no. It’s better you go and I will tell him you left with my permission. If he doesn’t like it, it will already be too late.”
I thank him, but he is already busy placing a call on his phone. “Yeah, Jazz, I need you to bring a chip up. I need it immediately, thanks.” He places the phone back in his pocket and looks at me sadly. “Please be careful, Eve, and good luck.”
He turns to leave the room, but I grab him and kiss him on the cheek, telling him, “Thank you,” before he can escape me. He gives me a small smile without its usual arrogance and then leaves the room.
Within the next five minutes, Jazz appears with something that looks like a gun and a needle all in one. Dr. August approaches and explains the procedure.
“Eve, this is your tracker. It’s a small chip that Jazz is going to place in your arm. The chip will help us locate you. It would help us track your heartbeat if you had one, and it also records sound. Pretty neat, huh?”
I wish that I can smile for his sake, but I am in no mood to talk about gadgets with Dr. August. When Jazz cleans my arm, I notice Dr. August and her exchanging worried glances.
“Okay, what now? Just say it!”
Jazz speaks first. “You really should tell her, you know.”
Dr. August sighs and then agrees. “Look, Eve, the device is one of my inventions. It was made specifically for people like yourself.” He lets out another sigh because he knows he is offending me, but I allow him to finish. “Well, the way the tracker chip works is that you can’t remove it, not unless you are inside the CSIS facility, of course.”
“And what happens if I try to remove it?”
“Well, the chip sends a shockwave to your brain, and it essentially…blows it up.” He makes a little ka-boom motion with his hands. I don’t appreciate the visual. I understand the consequences; now we need to get on with it.
“Look, just do it, Jazz. Put the damn chip in. If I don’t do it, then Agent Williams will get in trouble for not following protocol and blah, blah, blah…I won’t take it out, anyway. I don’t care if they know where I am.”
Jazz nods and then holds the injector gun to my arm. I feel a sharp pinch, and then I am left with a little blinking light under my skin. It is very odd to look at, so I pull down my sleeve to dim the little light.
Jazz hugs me on the way out. “Good luck, honey. I hope you can help him. He seems like a good man who just lost his way.”
“He is a good man, Jazz. I just have to go remind him of that. Thanks.”
Next, Dr. August bids me farewell. He asks me to be gentle with Cam, reminding me, “You can’t beat the addiction out of somebody.” I chuckle a little and then allow him to lead me to the exit.
We head down the blindingly white hallways until we reach the garbage chute. “Wait, that’s my way out? With the garbage?” I say in disgust.
Dr. August nods, looking very serious. “Well yes, of course! How else were you planning on getting out of here unnoticed? No one follows the garbage.”
He has a point.
I shove myself into the chute and wave goodbye to Dr. August before flying down the longest slide I have ever been on. When I reach the end, there are no garbage bags to break my fall like I hoped. I hit the cement floor like a ton of bricks and roll around, moaning, until the sharp pains subside. Even though I am dead, I can still feel pain. Somehow that seems unjust.
Once I am on my feet, I can see that I am in a garage. One of the garage doors is open; I can only assume that Agent Williams rigged it that way. I don’t think CSIS would ever make it this easy for someone to escape.
I grab one of the cars in the garage with keys in it. I will need a vehicle if I am to get back up to the surface. Underground facilities also make escaping much more difficult. Good for them, not so much for me.
I hop in the car and begin driving up the ramp, praying that no one will stop me. I don’t want to have to kill anyone, but if it means not being able to see Cam, then I will kill anyone that gets in my way. To my surprise, daylight hits the windshield quickly; I made it up to the surface in record time. Going 170 Km/h was a first for me, something I would never have attempted when I was alive, but now there seems very little left to fear.
There is no one there to stop me as I exit the compound, not a single guard. I ponder that for a moment and then realize precisely why, and I whisper to myself, “Thanks, Williams. I owe you one.”
CHAPTER NINE
CAM
As the drugs take hold of me, I feel a little lightheaded. I remember buying the heroin off this drug dealer on campus who called the stuff D.O.A, Dead on Arrival. It sounded exactly like what I needed. I wanted to hit my high and then let it all just fade to black. If we all have to go someday, perhaps this is the kindest way, on my own terms. No hospital beds, no illness, no old age, no surprises, just quietly drift off.
As I try to picture the drug dealer, I remember he had a beard, but as I try to imagine it, his beard becomes tentacles. The more I try to remember, the more he begins to resemble a squid.
I want to stand and head over to my bed, but the room seems to be spinning. I trip over a bunch of bottles and land face down on the floor. I stay there because the floor feels nice and cool against my overheating flesh.
As I relax on the floor, I see the door open. These cute little boots float towards me. They look like cropped cowboy boots with wings. The wings flutter as the boots stop right in front of me. I try to stare up and find out who the boots belong to. When I look up, I see an angel before me. She kneels down to look me in the eyes, and there she is, the one person I want most in this world, Eve. I touch her face, and it’s soft and cool. I close my eyes and trace her features with my fingers. Then I press her forehead to mine. If I am hallucinating, I am going to take full advantage of it. I stare at her lips; they’re saying something, but I’m not listening. I kiss them softly, and they feel so real that I pull back abruptly. She brushes my hair and holds my head in her lap. I let her play with my hair as I stare at the ceiling, which seems to be floating away.
***
Hours later or days later, I can’t be sure, I awake to a cleaner room. I am in my bed and sparkling. This is the strangest hallucination I have ever experienced. I groggily rise from the bed and notice a woman sitting in the corner of my room. Her arms are folded, and she stares with daggers.
“Eve? Is that really you?” I say semi-coherently.
She tosses a pillow at my head. “Yes, asshole, it’s me! How could you do this to me? I love you, and here you are about to what? Kill yourself?” She covers her mouth; I can tell she is trying not to sob. I feel terrible; even if it is just a dream or hallucination, I don’t want to make Eve cry.
I walk over to her carefully; she looks away from me as I tilt her chin up towards mine. I kiss her cheek instead of her lips. “Eve, why did you leave me? I miss you too much, you know? I can’t do anything without you.” She starts sobbing harder. I didn’t make anything better; I am a failure.
I place my head in her lap in defeat and wrap my arms around her waist. I missed her touch. Slowly, I rise and pull her off of the chair. “Is this a dream? Am I dead right now? How are you here, Eve?” She doesn’t answer me.
“Well if this is a dream, Eve, and you�
��re going to disappear on me again in any second, then I just want you in my arms one last time.”
I hold her close to me and slow dance to the rhythm of my heart. I place her hand over my heart so that she might feel it too. She sighs, and I nuzzle into her neck, kissing her softly. Her skin is as beautiful as I remember.
She pulls me closer to her, inviting me to kiss her harder, and I do. My mouth meets hers with a sort of desperation I have never known. She doesn’t dissolve or refuse, so I pull her towards the bed, and we begin to tangle in a familiar way. Every inch of skin that I touch heals my aching soul. I don’t want to die anymore; I want to live in her embrace.
We continue for what seems like hours. I am not satisfied until my lips have found every inch of her. Afterwards, we lie in a web of blankets, silently caressing each other until we fall asleep.
***
When I wake again, I reach for her, but she is not in my bed. I search the room, and with each moment that passes, my heart sinks further and further into nothingness. I scream, “Eve! Eve, come back!” and before I can continue, she comes sprinting out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
“Cam? What is it? Are you okay?”
I nod. I am now. I need her to stay; she can’t leave again. Eve sits next to me, holding me and comforting me until I am able to calm down.
“Will you stay with me this time?” She doesn’t answer, but I refuse to accept her silence. “You need to tell me, Eve. Will you stay?”
She shakes her head and cannot bear to look at me. “I can’t, Cam. I wish I could…Listen, you need to make me a promise. No more drugs, no more booze.”
I bolt out of bed and pace the room. “You can’t ask me to give up anything. I had to give you up, and now I do whatever it takes to cope. So don’t ask me that. Even now, you’re a figment of my imagination, and I like it too damn much to stop. I like it too damn much, even if you’re not real.”
I feel a sadness stirring inside me. I suppose drugs can do that, make you feel on top of the world one minute and then bring you crashing down the next.
“But Cam, I am real. I’m here. It’s not the drugs. I came here to stop you. I will not let you become your father. You’re better than he was. You deserve to have a beautiful life. A job, a girl, some kids, some cars…you know, a perfectly normal life. I want you to have that, so please just stop, just stop now!”
I wish that I could listen to her, but it hurts too much. I don’t want a future without her. I storm off into the bathroom and lock the door. Eve is pounding on it, begging me to let her in. I ignore her and reach for another small case that I have hidden behind the sink. Inside are a few more hits. I do both, and everything goes still. I can only hear Eve pounding on the door and yelling. I want to let her in now, but every limb feels too heavy; the drugs are working quickly. I will just have to settle for holding onto her memory as I take my final bow. Maybe Eve will greet me on the other side; I hope so. I will spend a million afterlifes with her if she will have me.
***
The next time my eyes open, I am convinced that I have died. The room is white, and there are bright lights blinding me. When I am able to focus a little better, I notice that I am in a hospital once more. I hate these places, and yet I always manage to find a way back.
I sit up in bed just as an angry female by the name of Alexandra Dashkov bursts into the room. She is the angriest I have ever seen her, and she heads right up to me and slaps me across the cheek without remorse.
“How dare you! You think you’re allowed to just die on me? You prick! I’m your best friend! You haven’t returned my calls in weeks. You haven’t been to classes, and no one answered when I knocked on your dorm room door. What the hell, Cam!? And then I have to come here and see this?! An overdose? Seriously? This is what Eve would want?”
I sneer at her, “I don’t know what Eve wants. She’s not here, is she?”
She slaps me again with much more force than the last one. “You are going to clean up your act, or I swear to God, Cameron Jackson, I am going to hit you with my car just so you have to stay in this hospital. That will force you to get clean really, really fast.”
Alex is my friend, but she is so angry that I fully believe her capable of such violence. She will gladly hit me with a car in order to save my life. I promise Alex that I will get some help, and she promises to stop slapping me.
***
A few weeks later, after what feels like a million counseling sessions, I am discharged from the hospital and Alex is there to pick me up. As I look out the passenger side window, I can swear I see a woman standing by the hospital entrance that looks just like Eve. I stare until we are too far away to be sure. It can’t be her, but I am glad to think of her. In a way, she will always be with me; I wear her on my soul.
I space out thinking about what to do next. I don’t really want to die; I just don’t know how to cope. Drugs and alcohol numb the pain, but they never get rid of the anguish. That is something I have to deal with. I have to be stronger.
“Cam, are you alright?” Alex asks.
I didn’t even notice that the car stopped and we were already in Alex’s driveway. She stares at me awaiting my answer, but I’m slow to give it. I have been lost in my thoughts too long and find it hard to process anything.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just…I just can’t function right now.”
She places her hand on mine, and I can see from the dark circles under her eyes that I have done something very wrong. I forgot about her. I forgot about her and her feelings in all of this. Alex is my friend too, and she lost Eve as well. I didn’t think about that until right now. We are both grieving, but I left her to grieve alone, and if I continued with the drugs, I would cause her additional pain. My eyes well up, and my body rages with guilt. I am a stupid man, a stupid selfish man.
She holds my hand as we walk towards her house. Her strength carries me in a way I have never known. I feel at ease, I feel safe, I feel loved. Mrs. Dashkov answers the door and welcomes me with a hug. She is teary eyed as I ask how Mr. Dashkov and Janna are doing.
“I guess Alex didn’t tell you, but Arthur left. We are getting a divorce.”
I apologize, but in truth I am glad. Those two fought more than any couple I have ever met. It is truly unhealthy. I am, however, sorry for Mrs. Dashkov’s pain; divorce is not an easy thing.
Alex takes me upstairs to my room. It was mine for years. This empty guest room is where I crashed when my dad was too awful to bear. In a way, this is my home, and I am grateful to the Dashkov’s for letting me stay whenever I needed to escape.
Alex is about to leave and let me get settled, but I’m not ready to be alone.
“Alex...can I talk to you about something?”
She turns back around. “Yes, of course. What’s up?”
“Well, when I was high that last time, I thought I saw Eve. It felt so real, and I can’t get it out of my head. Do you think she visits us? Do you think she’s…around?”
Alex has a seat on the bed and ponders it for a second. “Well…I did think I saw her one time. I was sleeping in my room, and I had this feeling like there was something outside. When I went to my window, there was a figure below. I thought it could have been Eve. I wanted to believe it was Eve.”
I can see her smile fading as she recalls the memory. Eve left a void in our lives that will never be filled. I don’t know how to comfort myself, so I sure as hell can’t think of a way to comfort Alex. I hold her close and hug her. Janna walks by and yells, “Growssssss,” as she continues down the hallway. That makes us laugh, a small laugh, but I have to appreciate happiness when I can achieve it, and in that moment I realize that reuniting with Alex saved my life. I need my friend, and I don’t need anything else, not even Eve.
CHAPTER TEN
ALEX
For the first night of Cam’s stay, I decide to sleep in t
he same room. Although he didn’t ask, I know Cam can’t be alone just yet. He promised over and over again last night that he’s finished with booze and drugs. I hope this is true; I don’t need to lose him like I lost Eve.
As I try to sleep, I keep wondering how I missed all the signs. He seemed so normal over the past month, and I just can’t comprehend how it could have gotten so bad in such a short time without me even noticing. I feel like the worst possible friend.
As the sun begins to flood the bedroom, I realize that I haven’t slept very much at all. I look over at Cam, who looks so peaceful. His hair has grown longer than he normally keeps it, and the brown locks cover his forehead and touch his eyelashes. He takes a breath through his mouth and then exhales through his nose, almost as if he is meditating. I smile with the realization that nightmares have not plagued his sleep. Perhaps he feels safer here, less alone.
I venture out into the hallway as quietly as possible and head straight for the washroom. The door is unlocked, but once I let myself in, I’m a little startled to see Janna there. She stands there brushing her teeth at the sink with a scowl.
“You finished yet? I would like to have a shower before Cam gets up.”
She spits out her toothpaste, and the scowl remains as she mimics me in a mocking way. She is becoming such a nasty little teen. I don’t know when it became “uncool” to like your big sister, but that is the stage she is at. Everything I say pisses her off, and I am better off just staying out of her way.
“Yeah I’m done, sheesh! Why? You want to get all pretty for Cam? That’s it, isn’t it?” She tosses her hair as she waits for my reply.
I feel my face getting hot and immediately wish I can hide my feelings better. I have never been good at the whole dishonesty thing, and now here I am caught off guard by my little sister and her big mouth. I hate being so easy to read. Eve always told me I needed to work on that, that it is much too easy to know my mind, and that every girl should have some mystery about her. I am not that girl.
