by C. M. Boers
He held up one finger, the same one he pressed to his lips. “Give me ten minutes.” With that, he spun around and disappeared back through the doors.
I returned to the window and watched the goings-on outside. A few nurses were having a smoke break. It always puzzled me when I saw health professionals doing things they chastised patients for.
I turned my attention back inside the building when the sun became too bright. The receptionist must have decided I wasn’t a threat and didn’t look in my direction again.
The doors opened, and Jeremy jogged back over to me.
“Come on.” He flashed me a guilty smile. “I took the rest of the day off.”
He opened the car door for me, like he always had, then drove us to my favorite restaurant.
“You remembered.” I brightened.
He squeezed my hand. “No. You remembered.”
He let go too quickly; his fleeting touch was ingrained on my skin.
Then my thoughts drifted back to Jack and my stomach flopped, not in a good way.
“Two, please,” Jeremy said to the hostess.
She seated us near a window in the crowded restaurant filled with professionals on their lunch breaks, most dressed like Jeremy. In my sweatpants and faded T-shirt, I was severely underdressed. Now I regretted not changing or, at the very least, bringing something to change into.
“How have you been? Your leg? Ribs?”
“Fine. All fine. Sometimes they hurt, but only occasionally.”
“That’s great.” He looked at me and sighed. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I know. It feels surreal.” I stared at my hands on the table. “Listen, I wanted to apologize for leaving the way I did . . . I really messed things up.”
“No. You did what you thought was right. Nobody can fault you for that.”
“You can. I hurt you. You’ve always been so good to me.”
He didn’t make eye contact. I could tell it still stung. “I’m fine.”
The waiter came over, and Jeremy ordered our lunch, just the way he always had, and he remembered all of what I liked, right down to asking for an extra side of alfredo sauce.
When the waiter left, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
He reached across the table, taking my hand in both of his. “To be honest . . .” He wavered. “For months, all I could think of was the day your memory came back, anticipating . . . this.” He squeezed my hand and scooted his chair around the table to sit right next to me. “What we had was amazing. I’ve missed you so much.”
I turned, looking up into his blue eyes, my mouth slightly open.
He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back with a tenderness I hadn’t felt in months. It was familiar and comforting. My hand rested on his neck as he deepened the kiss. His tongue gently probed my lips to part. His kiss was sweet and gentle, where Jack’s was eager and wistful.
Jack!
I pulled away, lifting my hands from his. I brought one hand to my lips. Oh my god.
“Is everything okay?”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not.” Tears filled my eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
I looked up from the table, staring into his eyes. “I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh.” He looked away, but there was no mistaking the hurt that was there.
Since I’d been gone, Jeremy and I texted occasionally, but never had I thought it would be a good idea to tell him about Jack. We’d kept it light and only spoke about the good things, nothing too deep. Maybe that had been cowardly. And now seeing the hurt in his eyes, my heart broke a little.
“What am I supposed to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to go back . . . back to before . . . to make a different choice. Stay. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so . . . conflicted.”
His face changed to concern. “Are you unhappy,” he swallowed hard, “with him?”
“No.” I intertwined my hands on the table. “That’s the thing, I am really happy. Things . . . they’re really great.”
“Then it seems to me you’ve found your place.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Nothing is ever simple. Does he know you’re here? With me?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been ignoring him since I left. To be honest, he didn’t even know about the accident. Any of it.”
“You didn’t tell him anything?”
I shook my head.
“Why?”
“I didn’t want him to look at me like my parents did. I thought it might make him treat me different.”
“It might have.”
“See?”
“But it would have been better than finding out like this, you disappearing.”
I pulled my phone from my pocket and showed him the twenty-five missed calls.
His lips rose, and he looked down at the plate in front of him, no doubt avoiding my gaze. “You’re giving this guy a heart attack.”
“Maybe.”
“You’ve got to call him back.”
“I will. Later.” When I can figure out what to tell him.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket.
We fell silent when the food came. The restaurant chatter and clinking of dishware carried on around us.
That kiss stuck with me. Confusing me.
“All right, enough. I can’t take the silence. We don’t do silence.”
I looked up from my plate.
“It’s not hard to see that this is difficult for you. It’s not been easy for me either. Not even a little. I want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. If you decide I’m the one for you,” he grinned, “you’ll make me the happiest man in the world. But if you decide that’s not in the cards for us . . . well, I’ll just have to accept that. Just know I expect a text at least weekly. Having you as a friend is better than not having you in my life at all.”
“You’re really special.”
He smirked at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
* * *
Jeremy stopped in front of my parents’ house just as the sun started to dip lower in the sky. Looking up at the huge house, I felt small.
Only six months had passed since I lived here, yet it somehow seemed like a lifetime. I wasn’t the same person who left here then, yet somehow I wasn’t the same person I went to bed as last night either, leaving me once again in limbo. At least now I had knowledge and experience behind me, and it would only be until I decided where I fit best. With my family—that is, if they could forgive me for leaving? Jeremy? Or with Jack?
“Do you want me to go with you?” Jeremy asked when I didn’t get out right away.
I shook my head. “I just need a minute.”
How do you apologize to someone you haven’t spoken to in months? Truthfully, we’d talked, once or twice, but an “I’m fine. How are you?” didn’t really count. You said those things to people you passed on the street and wouldn’t say you talked to them. It was the niceties most didn’t even think about, yet always had an automatic response.
My mom was probably so hurt, and I couldn’t blame her. No matter how close I was to my dad, she was still a huge part of my life before.
“Okay. I’m ready.”
Jeremy reached for me. “Today was great catching up. I’m really glad you’re back.” He squeezed my hand, smiling. “Really glad. You’ll call me later?”
I got out, nodding, but stopped before I shut the door. “Thanks for always being there for me.”
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
I shut the door and faced the house. Walking slowly up the walk, the sound of Jeremy pulling away from the curb made me jump.
Stop it.
I straightened my sweatpants and T-shirt, as if that would make me look more presentable somehow. Closing the distance in three large strides, my hair blew away from my face when I opened the door.
At first I didn’t hear any
one, then a soft clink of glassware floated to me from the kitchen.
“Hello?” I called, making my way deeper into the house.
“Melanie?” Mom responded. Moments later, she stepped into view from the kitchen, drying her hands on an apron.
I held my arms out to my sides, then flattened them against my body. “Hi, Mom.” I closed the distance, flinging myself at her. “I’m so sorry.”
She gripped me. “Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing . . . and everything.” I pulled away. “I remember everything. I’ve hurt everyone so much. You, Dad, Jeremy . . . I haven’t even taken a single one of Emily’s calls. I didn’t know what to say to her, and now. . .” I sighed.
Mom reached for me, pulling me in. She said nothing, but she shook with silent sobs. My eyes burned as tears threatened. When she finally pulled away, moisture remained below her eyes, but a smile was present on her face. “My baby’s back. We must call your dad. We have to celebrate.”
Dad came straight home, looking like he’d just won a prize. “Where is she?”
“Right here, Dad.”
He enveloped me in his arms. It was good to be here and know who I was without wondering in the back of my mind if I was being true to the person I was.
The vibration of my phone shook my purse for what seemed like the thousandth time today. I ignored it again, just like every time before.
Not yet.
I didn’t look at the screen, which I was sure was filled with texts too, and shut it off.
Mom came into the room. Her face lit up like it always did before this whole mess began. It made me happy to see her that way. She stopped when she saw me hugging Dad and pressed her hands to her heart.
“I made reservations for dinner,” she said.
“I have a better idea. Can I cook for you guys?”
I doubted my mom’s jaw had ever dropped faster. Dad smiled down at me, dropping his arm to my waist.
“Make me a list. I’ll go to the store,” Mom said, recovering from her moment of surprise.
By eight o’clock, we sat down at the table together for the first time in months, with heaping plates of parmesan crusted chicken and asparagus risotto.
Mom looked down at the plate in front of her. I watched her take the first bite, waiting for her reaction. Her eyebrows shot up.
“Where did you learn to cook?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Cookbooks?”
“This is amazing,” Dad said.
“It’s Jack’s fav—” I stopped myself when I realized they didn’t know who Jack was.
I never told them about Jack. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like they would be upset, but for some reason, I felt the need to keep that part of my new life hidden. In some weird way, it seemed right. But now that I sat across the table from them, nothing but regret filled me.
“Who’s Jack?” Dad sat back in his seat.
“Ah . . .” I shut one eye and scrunched my face in a grimace. “My boyfriend?”
“Oh, yeah?” Mom’s eyebrows rose. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”
“I know.”
“Tell us about him.”
I was relieved she wanted to know more rather than upset to have been kept in the dark.
“He owns his own business. Well, he owns multiple businesses.”
Dad set his fork down and leaned back in his chair. “Really? What business?”
Touching on my dad’s forte had piqued his interest.
“Uh, he’s an investor. And he owns a coffeehouse.”
“That’s an interesting mix.”
“Yeah, I guess he invested in the coffeehouse, and the owner failed miserably, so to keep it from going belly up, Jack bought him out and turned the whole place around. It’s thriving now.”
“That’s impressive.”
“Jack sounds older,” Mom said. From her tone, I knew it was a question, and she didn’t seem to like the thought.
“Ah, yeah, a little bit.”
“What’s a little bit?” Dad asked.
“Twenty-three.”
Dad nodded, taking a bite. “Still fairly young for what he’s accomplished, it sounds like.”
I nodded.
“How did you meet?” Mom asked.
I thought back to his piercing green eyes staring at me from across the coffeehouse. The same eyes I often caught gazing at me now when I wasn’t paying attention. I thought of all the time I actively avoided them, hoping to get away unseen. And of Grace, completely unaware Grace, who happened to bring him to me, wishing I’d take her bait.
“In the coffeehouse. It’s on the same street as my house.”
Mom smiled. “We’ll have to come visit and meet him.”
“Come to Colorado?” I asked.
“Of course. Unless you don’t want us to?”
I thought of going back to Colorado. Going back to Jack. And it already hurt, like I was leaving behind part of myself.
And yet staying just didn’t seem right, though the draw to be with the people I was most familiar with pulled at me.
I wanted both lives. I wanted both Jack and Jeremy. And as much as I loved my independence in Colorado, I also loved the warmth and comfort of being at home with my family.
Getting my memory back did nothing to change the feeling of living in two worlds. My past and my present, except now I was in love with two men, and I was drawn to both lives.
“Oh, of course. I’d love to show you my house. I’ve done a lot of work to it.”
“Oh really, you hired a contractor?” My mom seemed surprised at this.
“Oh no, I did the work myself.”
Her eyes practically bugged out of her head. “You did construction work?”
“It wasn’t really construction. I refinished my staircase and painted, that kind of thing. Nothing big.”
“I’m impressed,” Dad said. “I have to see this handiwork. I might have to put you to work around here.”
I shook my head, laughing.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” Mom asked.
I shook my head as I shoveled another bite in my mouth.
“Would you like to go shopping? I’ve missed our shopping days. Maybe we can get pedicures too?”
“That sounds amazing.”
“Good.”
Later that night, I flipped my phone back on and read all the missed messages, mostly from Jack. He was worried sick. I couldn’t say I blamed him. I’d disappeared. Ignored all his calls. And of all days, the day we were supposed to go away together.
Then one message from Jeremy caught my attention.
I hope you aren’t still ignoring your phone. It was so good to see you today. Can I see you again tomorrow? Dinner?
I didn’t even have to think for a second.
Pick me up at 6.
My stomach flopped with anticipation. And my phone vibrated again. Jack.
I’m really worried, Melanie. Please call me.
I closed my eyes and shut out the world.
The next morning, I didn’t bother to check my phone. I knew my plans for the day, and nothing would change them regardless of what was on that screen, and I was sure there was a lot.
I wasn’t ready to make a choice yet. I needed time. I knew what I left behind—it was wonderful and amazing, and full of everything I wanted. The moment I spoke with Jack, I knew I wouldn’t be able to think clearly. Just the sound of his voice would make me want to jump on a plane to be with him. But if memory served me right—and for once, it was—I had to figure out if that also remained here, where my parents were, where I’d grown up, where Jeremy was, that I missed so much. I owed this to myself after fleeing from everyone who mattered, and I owed it to Jeremy, but most of all, I owed it to Jack. I could never be all-in if I always wondered if there were still someone here for me.
Mom met me at the bottom of the stairs as soon as I emerged from my room, dressed. “Hungry?”
I nodded, yawning.
“Good,
we’ll get something to eat too.”
The day slipped by so fast, I could hardly believe it when I glanced at my watch and it said 5:30 p.m. It had been so long since I’d had a good girls’ day like this, and I couldn’t help thinking we could do this all the time if I lived here again.
At six o’clock, Jeremy knocked at the front door. I slipped into my ballet flats and grabbed my clutch, all new from today, courtesy of my mom. When I opened the door, Jeremy’s eyes slid up and down. My cheeks warmed under his scrutiny.
His eyes lit up. “You look amazing.”
“Thanks. It’s all new.”
“I can tell. It’s nothing like you used to wear.”
I frowned and looked back over my outfit choice.
“In a good way,” he quickly added.
He followed me to the car, rushing to get ahead of me at the last second to open the door. He held it wide, waiting for me to get settled before he shut it.
I hadn’t considered what this was until that moment. Clearly, Jeremy thought it was a date.
Is that what I wanted?
He climbed in next to me, shaking me from my thoughts.
He drove without turning on the radio and kept his head facing forward. I hadn’t noticed it yesterday when we’d spoken the entire time. I studied his tight arms. After driving a few blocks, the silence was driving me crazy.
“No music?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Haven’t been able to since . . . well, you know.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
He didn’t respond. I watched him, then reached out and flipped on the radio. Not loud, but just enough to give us something to enjoy.
He gripped the steering wheel tighter until the tops of his knuckles turned white.
I reached over, placing my hand on his arm. “Relax. It’s just music.”
As the minutes passed, his posture slumped more in his seat as he grew more comfortable.
“How are your parents?” I asked.
“Good. They went on a cruise a few weeks ago.”
“Ooh, that sounds nice.”
He nodded. “Mom’s been raving about it ever since. I think she’s already planning their next one.”
He parked in front of an arcade that also served food and turned to me. “How’s this?”
I looked up at the giant brick building. “Sounds like I’m going to get more tickets than you!”
