Lord to Love Again: A Sweet and Clean Regency Romance

by Grace Sellers

  She approached the bay, who was munching the last of its flake of hay.

  “Hello, am I interrupting your dinner?”

  She patted the massive creature on its neck while it blew out its breath.

  “You’re a beauty. What’s your name?”

  Caroline scratched the horses’ blaze on its forehead.

  “You look like you would be an Olympus. Or maybe a Zeus. Or are you Thor?”

  The horse sniffed her hands for treats and blinked at her.

  “Whatever your name is, you’re a lovely thing.”

  “That’s Dudley,” said a male voice behind her.

  She turned. It was Wolfolk, tall and handsome in front of her. His lips turned up into a smile. What was he doing back here? Whenever she had a moment of peace, it seemed he turned up and interrupted her.

  “How do you know his name?”

  “I know things,” he said solemnly. “Also it’s engraved on his halter.” He walked toward the horse and stood on the other side of the horse’s head. He held up its halter and showed her that “Dudley” was engraved on it.

  “Oh.” She went back to scratching the horses so she wouldn’t have to make eye contact with him.

  “I think we are missing dinner,” Caroline said, unsure of what to say.

  “I will have it sent to my room,” he said quietly, studying the horse.

  She nodded. Of course, he would. That’s what earls did.

  “I can have one sent to your room too, if you like. Why did you leave the dining room?”

  “I wanted some air.”

  “The lovebirds were annoying you too?”

  Caroline half-shrugged.

  “I should get back to them,” she said.

  He watched her carefully. “Miss Holland,” he said. “May I be frank with you? May we speak as adults regardless of our respective titles?”

  Her heart pounded in her ears. She had no idea what he was going to say.

  He looked like he was searching for something.

  “You may,” she said.

  “Do I imagine things or is there something—a feeling—between us?”

  She was shocked by his honesty. She stiffened and dropped her head so that she was looking at the dirt on the ground. She wanted to be truthful, but she couldn’t look at him.

  “If we are speaking as adults. Then yes, I suppose there is,” she said.

  He was silent, and she was grateful he didn’t ask anything of her. Finally, she looked at him again. His eyes were dark and unreadable in the twilight.

  “But I think we both know that nothing can come of it,” she said quickly. She hoped he would not proposition her. She wasn’t sure she had the strength to say no anymore. Particularly with him looking this handsome at twilight.

  He moved a half step closer to her so that he was looking down at her. He said nothing but searched her eyes. Her breath trembled.

  She could swim in his eyes. She could get lost and never come back.

  He stared at her lips. “So if I wanted to kiss you, that would be unwelcome?”

  “Most unwelcome,” she said, but smiled to show she was joking.

  His fingers touched her jawline in a gentle way that sent fizzy sensations up her spine.

  Every part of her ached to taste him again.

  He bent toward her.

  “May I kiss you?”

  She hoped it was unlikely anyone would see them standing back as they were by the stable in the failing light.

  “Yes.”

  He was so close she watched him close his eyes, his lashes touched his cheeks. She wanted to remember everything from this moment: the dark stubble along his chin, the pink sheen of his lips, the crook of his nose.

  His lips were warm and tasted of a wonderful secret. Gently, his tongue explored her mouth.

  She wanted more of him.

  Every part of him.

  He pulled her to him, and her body shimmered in delicious sensation. She knew it was scandalous, but she didn’t stop.

  Finally, their lips parted though he held her face near his for a long moment as they caught their breath. “You are quite unlike anyone I’ve ever met before,” he whispered. His eyes opened, and she saw the glint of hazel in them. His lips curled up deliciously. “Would you like to go to my room?”

  He grasped her hand and stepped in the direction of the door. His face had a youthful, playful smile, like a schoolboy’s. Her heart thrummed through her, and she yearned to follow.

  “Don’t worry. No one will see us. Not even the servants.”

  She stopped and froze. Her face stung as though it was splashed with cold water.

  He didn’t want anyone to see him with her.

  He felt her pause and turned back to her, his face questioning.

  She couldn't do this. She wanted more than anything to follow him, but they weren't equal. How could she forget that? He’d just reminded her she was a lesser who he could throw away like rubbish.

  She let go of his hand and let it fall to his side. Heat burned her cheeks.

  “What's wrong?” he turned back to her.

  She couldn't look at him.

  Couldn't meet his eyes.

  She wanted to disappear. Once again, she was not good enough. This time it came from the one person she couldn’t stand to hear it from.

  “You don’t want to be seen with me,” Caroline said.

  His smile faded, and his eyes widened.

  “What? No. That’s ridiculous.”

  “You just said you didn’t want anyone to see me.”

  He sighed impatiently. “I don’t want to impugn your reputation.”

  She laughed hollowly, her voice sounding shrill. “My reputation? I think yours is what you’re more concerned with.”

  His eyes flashed at her. “Are you going to tell me my own thoughts?”

  She crossed her arms to cover her bare arms. “I am simply divining them from your actions, my lord.”

  His face was stone. Unfriendly and unreadable.

  “I've never thought of—or treated—you as an inferior.”

  “Until now,” Caroline said.

  His hands balled into fists. “Oh, of all the addle-brained notions…”

  “Addle-brained?” she repeated.

  “Yes, addled-brained. Half-witted. Ninny-minded. Shall I go on?”

  “No, I think I get the gist of it.”

  “I feel as though you are acting ridiculous,” he said and reached for her again.

  She jumped away from his touch. She had heard enough. Pain seared through her.

  “Am I? Or am I just acknowledging how things are under the surface?” She looked at him.

  He touched his forehead, frustrated. “What am I supposed to do? Not be who I am?”

  Her nerves were ragged. She wanted to run away before more words tumbled from her mouth, but she couldn’t. Her feelings stung when he called her ridiculous. “You needn’t change anything about yourself. You’re the perfect earl. I am an inferior. I’m not surprised your wife died instead of living on with you! For who could be perfect enough for you?”

  His face changed. It closed off completely, as though a light went out in his eyes.

  Caroline trembled at what she’d said and immediately wanted to take it back.

  “If that is how you feel, I believe our conversation is over,” Alexander said stiffly.

  Before she could say anything, he bowed and turned his back on her.

  19

  Every piece of him was on fire. Particularly his lower body.

  Every single part of him also ached to press her to him again.

  Instead, he forced his boots to move quickly over the cobblestones to the inn’s entry. He swore aloud, hating himself every step of the way.

  Christ.

  But he shouldn’t be surprised. He knew he couldn’t really have her. Not for good.

  No one knew as well as he did what was expected of him. He just wanted a moment together with her. To
really hold her. But he had always known it couldn’t last. She was not the kind of woman he could be with. He’d always known that. Hadn’t he?

  Anger burned through him. Why did it sting so much?

  He exhaled unsteadily as he stepped up the staircase to his room and closed the door.

  Inside, his room was quiet, dark, and awful. He swallowed and latched the door. Then he quickly poured him a hearty glass of brandy and drained it. He hated everything about himself at that moment.

  He untied his cravat and ripped off his jacket, throwing it to the floor.

  He looked out the window for several long minutes, hoping to see something to catch his eye, make him care, but there was nothing. Not here. Maybe not anywhere.

  He wanted Caroline to be wrong about what she’d said, but her words hit him squarely in his chest, reverberating what he knew: he couldn’t make anyone happy. He didn’t know how. He wouldn’t make Caroline hate him too. He was better off alone.

  There was nothing for him here.

  He needed to leave. He’d had enough of country houses and spoiled incomparables who ran away from their companions. He couldn’t do anything for her.

  He rang the bell for a footman and demanded a horse.

  Caroline returned to dinner with Sutherland and Nelly. But soon after, she said that she had a headache and went to bed. It wasn’t a lie. Her forehead seared with pain, even before she drank half a bottle of claret at dinner. Nelly came back to the room carrying a candle, undressed, and went to bed. Caroline was relieved she did not try to talk to her.

  She needed to only take care of herself and Nelly right now. And that’s what she would do. She would get Nelly back to Howsham and her mama. Then she would take another companion or governess job, whatever she could do to pay rent. Hopefully she could make enough to live on. Not lavishly, but enough. She was past caring if people judged her for taking employment. As long as she could afford a small place, hopefully, she could take care of her brother. Maybe his condition would improve.

  Most of the night, she lay in the dark, unsleeping, staring at the shadows on the ceiling and thinking.

  Caroline watched the shadows grow long and stretch across the room. She heard the horses whinny to each other across the stable yard and boots crunch as the ostlers began their rounds in the early morning. At some point, tears fell from her eyes and sank into the pillow.

  He did not even think about where he was going.

  Wolfolk rode the horse away from New Catwick and back toward Howsham in a reflexive action to get away. He barely considered his destination until he was a few miles outside the village and realized the sun was setting, and he would need a place to sleep.

  After outright galloping, he slowed the horse to give her some rest.

  It felt good to run fast over the fields at a breakneck speed. To run hell for leather as fast as he could away from her.

  He was happy to put some distance between them. He passed through fields of red cows lining up for evening dinner outside old barns.

  What was he thinking of leaving at this hour?

  The truth was he hadn’t been thinking.

  He’d had one thought: get away.

  Now that he’d had some time to think, he began to understand what caused him to run.

  He was afraid. When he’d realized he was fond of Caroline, something inside him shifted, and he found himself questioning his long-held beliefs. Such as the kind of wife he should marry, among many other things. When he’d kissed her by the stables, he’d caught a glimpse of just how much she was beginning to mean to him.

  So he’d bolted.

  Like a horse scared by a loud noise, he’d run.

  Yes, his pride was hurt. He wasn't used to women turning him down. He wasn't used to anyone turning him down, ever. But it was more than his pride. It stung more than he wanted to admit.

  Just outside the town of Beverley, he passed through fields of small blue flowers. Caroline would like these fields, he thought and realized his error. She wasn't his to dote on, and he thought of her as though she was. He inhaled the soft evening air, hoping it would clear his head.

  Still, his chest was tight, as though something wanted to claw its way out of it. He didn't want to be responsible for anyone again. He didn't trust himself to make a woman happy. He couldn't stand Caroline's disappointment if he failed.

  Yes, Caroline was very different than Eugenie. The two women were worlds apart. One wanted to be the center of attention all the time, and the other shied away from it. Maybe he was not a good husband. He felt constrained by Eugenie's moods and caprices, and he didn’t want to resent Caroline like that. He'd thought he’d rather die than feel that way again. But now he wondered if he had made the wrong choice.

  Caroline hardly slept at all. She’d gotten up before the light of dawn, dressed and went about organizing trunks for the journey back to Howsham while Nelly slept. Before going down to breakfast, she surveyed the dark circles under her eyes in Nelly’s vanity mirror and briefly considered patting a bit of Nelly’s rouge on her cheeks. She decided against it.

  Besides, Wolfolk wasn’t worth wasting the crushed flower petals used in the rouge, she told herself. So she looked a mess, but she was not twenty anymore and wouldn’t lower herself to try to be. She was prepared to not speak to him ever again. She had devised a short, indignant speech to give to Wolfolk explaining that she was Nelly’s lady’s companion and not “his doxy to flirt with” when he felt like it. She felt a twinge of guilt that she hadn’t been acting as such when she remembered his lips on hers.

  Sutherland was already seated at breakfast when Caroline and Nelly came down. She was not surprised Wolfolk was not there and wondered if he’d simply ride along on his mount so they wouldn’t have to speak. Nelly whispered something to Sutherland, smiled, and settled into her seat.

  Caroline tried not to think of Wolfolk. She focused instead on what she could control, which was packing the coach. She knew they had to leave by seven o’clock in the morning and she concerned herself with making sure it was packed and ready to go then. She was running solely on nervous energy. Her stomach knotted, and she couldn’t take any breakfast.

  After another quarter hour, Wolfolk had still not come down. Sutherland had not seen him that morning but offered to go to his room to find him.

  After several minutes, he ambled back to the breakfast room with an odd look on his face. Caroline saw his expression and knew something was amiss.

  “Is his lordship joining us for breakfast?” Nelly put butter on her toast and bit into it, crumbs collecting on her lips.

  “Nelly, please take smaller bites.”

  “No,” Sutherland said before sitting. “He’s gone. The owner told me he hired a horse and left last night.”

  “What?” Caroline’s stomach sank.

  “He got his horse from the stables and left.”

  Caroline felt as though she’d been slapped. All the blood rushed to her face. She grasped her teacup tightly so she wouldn’t drop it.

  “He what?”

  Sutherland repeated what he’d been told and scooped a pile of scrambled eggs and several pieces of bacon onto his plate.

  Caroline blinked several times very quickly.

  He. Was. Gone.

  He left without saying goodbye. Or even telling them he was leaving.

  She stiffened.

  “Are you all right? You look quite pale, Miss Holland,” Nelly said.

  Caroline smiled politely and forced herself to act naturally.

  “Yes, I did not sleep well last night,” she said, taking a prolonged sip of tea.

  “I slept like a baby last night,” Nelly said, and Sutherland whispered something to her that made her giggle.

  Caroline sat very still.

  She could see other people’s lips move in the dining room, although she couldn’t make out the words. She heard the blood pounding in her ears, and her breath slowly going in and out of her lungs.

  She sho
uldn’t be surprised. Earls didn’t have to say goodbye to anyone. He was free to leave whenever he wanted. He owed her nothing. She knew he'd be hurt, but she thought at least he'd respect her enough to finish the mission.

  Outside, the sky was overcast, and in various places, the clouds spit rain, but couldn’t seem to summon the energy for a full storm. Once the carriage left the inn, Caroline watched the countryside from the window as they passed. Sheep grazed peacefully on the green hills, but her insides felt frozen.

  Her chest ached as the coach trundled along. She knew she was being foolish to want to see him. She would not be one of the women who surrendered her dignity to a man.

  Her duty was to Nelly. She had to remember what was important: right now Nelly, her life, her employment. She would get her home, receive her payment and move on. It was all she could control.

  20

  The white spires of Howsham Hall’s peaks jutted above the green hills and were now visible from the carriage. This relieved Caroline as the carriage jostled down the road towards the great house. Maybe, just maybe, things were on her side, and they’d beat Nelly's mama there. Maybe she would get paid. Caroline took a steadying breath to fortify herself.

  She could barely believe it had been more than two weeks since she and Nelly had first come to Howsham. How different things seemed then. She could scarcely believe Wolfolk had been intended from Nelly. It was such a strange idea now. She absent-mindedly examined a fray on her glove. She would need new ones soon. That world—her real life—would be a reality soon again too. Right now it seemed very far away. She would miss Howsham and the finer things once they weren't part of her world anymore.

  The sky was very blue and thin white clouds stretched thin across it. She glanced over at Nelly and Sutherland in the carriage across from her. Nelly’s eyes were shut, and her head lolled with the coach's rhythm. Sutherland’s eyes were closed too. He had taken to tippling from his flask several times during the trip whenever Nelly’s mama was mentioned, and Caroline wasn't surprised he needed the sleep.