No Easy Choice

by Kathryn Shay

  “How about you guys?”

  “We saved from the get-go. Since we were married, we had double the income of most of our friends plus we worked part time jobs like most firefighters.”

  “So you’re comfortable with money?”

  “I wouldn’t say that. When Annie decided to stay home two more months, I refused to dip into our 401K, or our savings for a better house and Bridget’s college. Both are in accounts that would level a big financial penalty if we take money out.” He ducked his head as if he was embarrassed. “Though I agreed to use the credit cards and our line of credit these two months so Annie could take more leave.”

  “Hence you worked at the garage.”

  “Since I was a kid.”

  “That gives me a picture of what’s gone on. Let’s unpack your statements. We’ll start with Annie. You feel like the only parent.”

  “Yes.”

  “Colin?”

  “I hold and feed and change Bridget when I’m home. But I agree, I wasn’t home enough and I didn’t see that before.”

  “I told you all that, honey.”

  “I know. So I did quit the garage, but then a promotion came up. I could have turned it down.”

  “I wouldn’t have let you. We both want to be lieutenants, and maybe higher.”

  “Annie would have gotten one too, but the maternity leave stalled that. I feel bad for her.”

  “When do you go back to work, Annie?”

  “In eight weeks. I took four months maternity time which was paid and then I used vacation days. I couldn’t leave her at four months.”

  “Who will take care of her?”

  Annie swallowed hard. Every time leaving Bridget came up her heart hurt. “Cora. I call her Ma.”

  “Are you comfortable with her doing that?”

  “Yes. She’s only 64. And she’d have Bridget nights. And some days if we work at the same time. If that’s too much for her, we’d find a sitter.”

  “So, the money problems will disappear when you go back to work. It’s only 2 more months.”

  Now, Annie felt the stirrings of a headache. “Some of them will disappear. But I’m not giving up my friends from the park.”

  “And I don’t like that.” Colin’s voice was firm. “I won’t apologize. I think Brent Winslow has a thing for you.”

  “A guy in the playgroup?”

  “Yep.”

  “You’re imagining that. He’s happily married.”

  They talked some about this disagreement, but in reality, there was no movement made.

  At the end, Suzanne said, “Time’s up for this session. You have homework. I want you each to write a letter to the other addressing these issues. Don’t read them though. We’ll do that when you come back. You said twice a week, right?”

  They both nodded

  “All right. I’ll see you in three days.”

  Chapter 7

  “Man, it’s hot out here.” JJ stood on the dock of the cottage Lynne and her husband owned on Dannerville Lake. She looked terrific in a one-piece black Speedo.

  “Take a dip,” Lynne suggested. “We booked six hours.”

  Annie knew Lynne had booked six hours in her family’s schedule for herself and the Sisters of Fire so they could have time at the lake house at the end of summer.

  Tess waded into the water. She still fit into her one-piece bathing suit, though her boobs were already pushing against the material. “This feels wonderful.”

  From the edge of the dock, Brooke kicked her feet in the lake. She and Lynne both wore skimpy bikinis and Trish a conservative one piece. Annie had compromised with a bright orange tankini that covered her middle and had a bikini bottom. She’d bought it last summer.

  “Annie,” Trish said, “how’d you get out for a full day?”

  “Colin’s off still on sick leave. He said he didn’t mind staying with Bridget. I fed her before I came here, and left a bottle for the noon feeding.” She rolled her eyes. “Then he spoiled everything when he called being with her babysitting.”

  “Men!” Tess’s comment was loud.

  “What happened, DiMarco?” Brooke asked. “You mad at your dreamboat?”

  “Damn right. David keeps being too protective. He said I absolutely could not do paddle boarding, and if I did, I was being reckless with his baby.”

  “You’re not.” This from Trish.

  “I know. I researched it, of course. During pregnancy, paddle boarding is great for core strength, balance and mobility and is superb exercise for the expectant mother. I’m a firefighter, for God’s sake. And I’ve already had three kids. I know my center of gravity has changed. I’m careful.”

  Annie commiserated. “Colin told me not to break my neck.”

  Lynne shook her head. “My father’s denying the fact that I’m leaving Dannerville.” Her dad was the current fire chief in her home town, and had hoped that Lynne would follow in his footsteps when he retired this month.

  “He’ll know soon enough,” JJ put in.

  “Yeah. Now, let’s stop bringing the guys here.” She gestured to the shore. “We have four boards so three of you can start.”

  Tess and Annie stood back, while Lynne and the others grabbed the boards. “We’ll begin on land. First, put the leash on your foot.”

  JJ guffawed. “Never thought I’d be wearing a leash. I’m so not into S&M.”

  The women laughed and did up the Velcro on their ankles.

  “Put the board horizontal on the ground then lean over, grasp the handle and lift it up.

  Following orders, Trish, Brooke and JJ followed Lynne

  into the water. “Stop when you’re in far enough to bend over, place your hands on the board and climb up on your knees.” She demonstrated the techniques as she explained them. “With the oar in front of you horizontal on the board, like this,” she set it up “go forward with your hands a bit on your knees, then grab the oar and stand up where your knees were. Gaze ahead and start paddling.”

  She gave more instructions on how to hold the oar to paddle forward and some mistakes people made while paddling. She ended with, “When you go back to the beach, use the oar until you can step off with one foot, then the other, then carry the board out like you carried it in.”

  “Now, can we try it?” JJ asked who was shifting back and forth where she stood in the water. Lately, she was restless.

  “Go ahead, hotshot. You first. One at a time so I can course correct.”

  JJ guided herself out some with her hands, stood right where she was supposed to and started to paddle with the oar. “Woo-hoo.”

  “Put your hands further apart on the handle, JJ.”

  But JJ was too busy enjoying her success.

  “I’m…oops, I’m going in circles.”

  “Your hands,” Lynne yelled. “And only forward movement of the oar.”

  JJ tried to adjust, but she was paddling too hard and then Splash! She went into the water on her back. Of course, she got right back up and did what Lynne instructed.

  Brooke, went like lightning, zipping into the water and paddling out. Turning expertly and paddling back.

  Annie said, “No fair. You did this before.”

  “Many times on vacations. And here,” she said, winking at Lynne.

  All the women had visited the lake over the years, but Annie knew Brooke and Lynne were close and they spent time out here together, alone or with their husbands.

  After Trish, who had no trouble doing everything right, Annie took her turn. She struggled to get the hang of the paddling, but once she did, she headed out. It was so tranquil being on the water alone like this. The sun bathed her skin in its warm glow and she lifted her face to it. She went a few yards, then reluctantly turned around. All the women stood with their arms folded over their chests, waiting for her. “Sorry, she said when she got back to them. “I took too long.”

  “Quite frankly,” Brooke put in. “We weren’t sure you were coming back, that you were heading out int
o the sunset never to be seen again.”

  “Nah. I couldn’t leave Bridget.”

  “Not Colin?” Tess asked.

  “Sure, Colin, too.”

  “How did the counseling go?”

  Annie explained to the others that she and Colin decided to see Suzanne Blakely. “It was helpful, but I felt sad after. I said negative things about Colin.”

  “It’s supposed to happen that way.” Lynne slid her arm around her. “That’s how you fix things.”

  Silence.

  “Ken and I went to couples counseling after he didn’t move up here when the business closed,” she added. “Ours was sad in many ways, but it was…hostile, too. I cried all the next day.”

  Condolences were offered.

  “Shit, I said no guy talk.”

  After everybody took turns on the paddle boards for an hour, they threw on clothes or coverups and headed up the incline to the house.

  “This is so nice,” Trish said to Lynne. “I think that, every time I come.”

  “It’s small, but we spend all our time outside, so we built a big deck.” Which spread more than the length of the house. And had lots of lounge chairs.

  The women dropped down in them, or into chairs. Annie put on a hat against the sun and slathered on more sunscreen. She thought about the slip she’d made, leaving out Colin. And her head began to hurt, so she closed her eyes, letting the warm breeze drift over her.

  Lynne came over. “You got a headache, honey?”

  “Yeah, how’d you know?”

  “I recognize the pinched lines around your eyes. I had them after each birth.” She handed her pills. “It’s acetaminophen and won’t hurt breast milk. Take it and close your eyes and doze.”

  Annie swallowed the pain killer and washed it down with water from the bottle she brought to the lake.

  The others talked or read magazines or sunbathed, drinking lemonade or water. At four, Lynne stood. “Time for cocktails. Who wants something?”

  Four had gin and tonics, and two had tonic. Tess was not drinking because of her pregnancy and liquor worsened Annie’s headache that was getting stronger by the minute. Even though Lynne’s words had comforted her, the pain was getting old.

  * * *

  The PA crackled. “Truck 1 go into service. 78 Mason St.”

  The crew rose from the table where they’d been eating dinner—a good one, damn it--and rushed to the rig. Ben grabbed his tablet for the specifics of the call. His turnout gear was already in the truck by the time he reached it.

  Siren screeching, they sped onto the Main Street.

  Ben read the notes on the tablet. “Um, huh. O’Shea, this call is all yours.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ll see.”

  They swerved to the curb in front of the designated home and saw no fire in the vicinity. Maybe there was an accident inside. A lot of older people on this street.

  “Mac and Callahan, grab the ladder and put it up to the roof.”

  They all looked up. Colin shook his head. “You gotta be kidding me.”

  “Why the hell were we called?” Banks asked.

  “And not animal control,” Callahan said with disgust.

  Ben chuckled. “A woman phoned 911 because her bird’s been up there for three days. She’s worried he’s hurt and can’t fly away. We’re here now, so get to it. O’Shea, put on the protective gloves for your hands and get the furry little bag to slip over your arm. You’ll have to carry him down in that if he is hurt.”

  “Cap, really…”

  Ben arched a brow. “You’ll have different kinds of calls as a lieutenant. You need all the practice you can get. Now enjoy the balmy weather and get up there.”

  Mac and Callahan got the ladder from the top of the rig and crossed to the side of the small Cape Cod. As it was raised, the aluminum grated on the rails and caused the bird to squawk the whole time. When Colin joined them, Mac said, “You’ll have a bird’s eye view, Colin.”

  “Funny.”

  “Oh, we’re gonna crow about this.” Callahan laughed at his own joke.

  Banks added, “Hey, he looks like you with those red feathers. He’s a chirp off the old block.”

  Colin stepped on the first rung, and biting back a smile, added, “Your bird puns are flyin’ right over my head.”

  He made his way to the top.

  “His name is Antonio,” Mac called up. A woman had come to the group and apparently, she was the owner.

  The bird was beautiful at about a foot tall, and weighing maybe ten pounds. Caribbean colors covered him. “Hey, Antonio, wanna get down?” He reached out with a gloved hand and the bag opened across him for quick access.

  “Fuck you,” Antonio said, unfortunately loudly enough to be heard below.

  “Oh, boy.”

  “A fowl mouthed parrot.”

  Laughing too, Colin spoke sternly, “All right, you nasty bird, come to Colin.”

  “Fanculo.”

  “Hey, that’s Italian for the f-word,” Banks shouted out. “He swears like my father-in-law!”

  Ben cupped his hands. “The owner with us says you have to tell the bird I love you before he’ll come to you.”

  “That’ll be the day,” Colin murmured under his breath.

  “You gotta.”

  “We won’t tell Annie you found somebody else.”

  “Shit, Antonio, get over here.”

  “Vas te fair foutre.”

  Colin knew some French. He retorted with the equivalent of Putain!

  Colin waited.

  “We don’t got all day,” Banks yelled.

  “Yeah, I wanna get back to my homemade macaroni and cheese.” Mac this time.

  Colin realized he wasn’t getting out of this with his pride intact, so he called out in a sweet voice, “I love you, Antonio. Come with me.”

  The bird seemed to look right at him. It took a few steps toward him then stopped and screeched, “Fuck you,” and flew off the roof, into a tree.

  He made his way down, swearing like the bird, and hopped onto the ground. “I’m not going up in that tree,” he said emphatically.

  Ben angled his chin. “You don’t have to.”

  The parrot now sat on its owner’s arm.

  Ben sighed. “Geez, O’Shea, haven’t you ever been talked birdy to?”

  The firefighters practically keeled over with that one.

  * * *

  Dear Colin,

  The aftermath of counseling is hard for me. Saying bad things about you just about kills me. I don’t want to feel this way. You’re trying, I know, and have compromised on the money some, which kills you.

  It’s been wonderful having you home, even if it was because you got hurt. You played with Bridget, I’ve gotten to run outside and go to the gym, and could take a shower by myself.

  Even if I didn’t get that freedom, I feel foolish. I’m only off seven more weeks, and I should be able to do what needs to be done. I took extended leave to do it. I need to stop complaining. I don’t like myself this way!

  But should I stop meeting my friends at the park, because you’re jealous? Where did all my feminist beliefs go? On the other hand, we love each other so much, can’t I do that for you?

  There’s something else niggling at me. But I can’t articulate it yet, even to myself.

  Annie

  Colin had been sitting with his hands linked between his knees, gazing at the floor. But his head snapped up. “That last thing? Is it about Brent, Annie? Has something happened between you two?”

  Annie stared at him. “No, Colin.” Her voice was resigned. “This has nothing to do with him.”

  “How do you know if you can’t even articulate it?”

  “I’m stepping in here.” Suzanne’s voice was calming. “Colin, read your letter.”

  He watched Annie a minute then began to read.

  Dear Annie,

  Am I being a bastard about that guy? Do I actually want to deprive you of the companionsh
ip you need now? The answer is no. So, I’ve got to stop being a shithead about that.

  I know I’m overboard about money. But you’ve known all along how insecure I am about finances. Can’t you accept that? We saved so hard for what we have. Worked second jobs to stash it away.

  On the other hand, being home with Bridget all this time makes me see what I’m missing. She changes every day and I’m feeling so close to her.

  Should I give up the lieutenancy? Why would I, when these issues will be resolved when you go back to work in less than two months?

  Damn it, our relationship has never been hard. Never. Why now?

  “Whew,” Suzanne commented when he finished. “Now, let’s try to unpack all that.”

  * * *

  Colin was still sleeping after his night tour, and Annie joined her friends at the park at nine. She awoke with another splitting headache, but had taken ibuprofen, so she was able to continue with her day. The sun slanted through the trees making a crisscross pattern on the grass and lifting her spirits.

  Once she sat down with the group, and the bread she’d made, Brent spoke up. “Lily’s coming back tomorrow!” His green eyes glowed with anticipation.

  Judy nodded to him. “That’s great news.”

  Barbara’s eyes scanned her three oldest boys. They were ordered to stay in the same vicinity so she could see them all. Jay, only three, slept in the shade on a blanket. “They’re fine.” She squeezed Brent’s arm. “I’m so glad she’ll be back. Will you still come once a week, like you did last time you wrote full time?”

  “If I’m around. I might need some research trips.”

  Judy asked, “What does Lily do when she’s with the kids?”

  “Take care of them, like I do. She’s excited about being here for Charlotte’s first days of school. When she has time, she’ll outline her next job. Plan others.”