The Island

by Daya Daniels

  At my advice, we buried our wedding bands a long time ago, long after we accepted that we weren’t going to be rescued any time soon mostly for safekeeping. My platinum band and Tenley’s two-carat diamond solitaire are together safely and wrapped in gauze beneath the earth. We will dig them up when the time is right, right around the time we finish the boat and manage to leave this place.

  Her gaze finds mine beneath the moonlight. “It was probably a good plan that we bury those rings, Brooks. You probably would’ve lost yours. And mine probably would’ve gotten in the way of all the gardening and the crab hunting.” She laughs softly.

  I play with her strands.

  “Do you think it’s led to right now, Brooks?” Her eyes stay on me.

  “Led to what?”

  “Maybe taking the rings off was the precursor to this?”

  “No, Tenley, you never forget you’re married, wedding band on or off.” I exhale. “Honestly, right now, it helps that mine is off. I don’t think I could fuck you with it on.” The self-disgust which laces my tone is severe. “I say we leave the rings there until the time is right.”

  Tenley manages a little nod. “I used to miss having it on, but I don’t now.” Her hand glides over my skin. “I suppose I wonder if I even deserve it anymore.” She sighs. “Maybe James should give it to someone else.” She groans. “I’ve never cheated on him.”

  My eyes bulge out of my head wondering where in the fuck did that odd statement come from.

  I sit up a little as Tenley backs away, head hung low.

  The situation feels urgent, guilt heavy and the mood has fallen exponentially in the last few seconds.

  “Why on earth would you tell me that, Tenley?”

  She runs her palm over her cheek and says nothing.

  I let out a short breath. “I’ve never cheated on Joy either.” I take her hand in mine. “Does that make you feel better?”

  “No.” Her voice is a low, low, whisper. “I guess I just don’t want you to think I’m some slut.”

  “Tenley, please...” My hands find her shoulders. “This means nothing.”

  Truth?

  Or, a fucking rationalization?

  I shudder to wonder…

  She visibly swallows.

  I laugh a little, attempting to bring the mood back up from Hell. “This is just sex. We’re just two people having sex. It’s been over two years.” I get dizzy just saying the words. “I was losing my fucking mind. It w-w-was so nice just to be touched again in that way.” I groan to myself just thinking of it. “I needed it. I won’t lie and say I didn’t because I did. And I know you needed it too, Tenley. We’re human.”

  “No one will understand, Brooks.”

  I swipe her hair away from her face and clutch her chin. “No one will have to.”

  She extracts the meaning from my very serious words and gifts me with a tiny nod. “Okay.”

  “Do you understand?”

  “Yes.”

  “This means nothing.” I breathe hard for longer than a beat. “This means nothing, Tenley.”

  Another nod. “Yes, you’re right, Brooks.” I get another nod. “This means nothing.”

  I pull her against my chest, press a kiss to the top of her head, and hold her so fucking tight. We gaze out of the large window and beyond at the black sea and the bright white moon which shines down on the earth tonight. Tenley sinks into my hold, and just like always, I hold her like she is my everything because she is. We’re the same. Two souls who are lost and trying to find their way back home.

  Twisting around, she kisses my lips and soon her tongue delves into my mouth, deeper and deeper, and everything inside me has stirred awake once more. It doesn’t take long before I’m on my back and she’s seated on top of me. Soon, she sinks down on my aching cock and rides me into oblivion. I get lost in her curves, her messy hair, the way she screams my name unable to deny it’s addictive to my ears in this perfect Hell.

  She plants her hand right over my heart and I cover hers with my own.

  It’s a silent pact.

  This means nothing.

  She cries out and I’m sucked into her orbit when her features twist in euphoria.

  This means nothing.

  I peer deep into her eyes and moan when I smile knowing in some way, I belong to her.

  This

  means

  nothing.

  Tenley

  STANDING JUST BEHIND BROOKS, I observe him carefully and wait with the jug of water in my hands. He’s an interesting man to watch when he thinks no one is looking. His mannerisms. His gait. The way he massages the bridge of his nose with his index and middle finger when he’s thinking way too much about the things he won’t say. He stands in front of the banyan tree this morning. The one that should have a name by now yet doesn’t. This is a daily ritual for Brooks mostly, when he comes here to mark this tree.

  Brooks covers his face with a hand and mutters words to himself I can’t hear.

  The waves roll softly into the shoreline—the mark of a calm sea even though the sky above is cloudy.

  I stand completely still just a few feet behind him.

  Something deep inside me lurches when I realize I’m not enough to make him happy here. We laugh. We’d even managed to make our own version of popcorn one night from all the maize which grows wild around this island. We spend time with Peni and she’s never too shy to show Brooks what she’s learned recently. Just like me, Peni tries her best to make Brooks happy. It’s an exhausting job…Brooks and me…we fuck nonstop! And just this morning after we’d finished breakfast and Brooks had darted off, I was on my knees in front of him swallowing his cock. He loved every second of it, and honestly, I loved making him not think as I was worshipping him, even if it was only for a little while.

  It was incredible.

  It was exquisite.

  It felt like I was giving him a precious gift.

  After all, there is nothing greater than peace of mind which I could never give a man like Brooks. Yet, to him it all means nothing, as he’d stated already. So, I must accept that I am nothing but a crappy version of a Band-Aid who exists to simply cover up the pain. I provide no real healing.

  Only an imbecile wouldn’t be able to see this man is sad.

  If Joy were here, she’d know how to make him smile.

  He misses his old life, his friends, his family…

  And so do I.

  Yet, at least some part of me, maybe, has accepted that I’ll never see them again.

  Brooks is still hoping…

  Who is the dreamer now?

  It is why he aches inside and out.

  Every night, he walks to the other side of the island and lights those torches and every night nothing happens. No one and nothing spots them burning. Still, he hasn’t given up the ritual.

  He taps his hand on the tree a few times the way one would a horse and exhales harshly through his nostrils. Then he presses his lips to it as if he’s apologizing in advance for having to dent its bark one-more-time.

  I step forward.

  SNAP.

  My foot breaks a twig.

  Brooks’ head jerks up. “Oh, Tenley, hey, I didn’t realize you were there.” He smiles.

  Still, I find sadness, defeat, and most of all guilt in his boyish blues.

  I gesture with the water jug in my hand. “You forgot it. So, I was going to bring it to you.”

  “Thanks.” He angles his head to the side.

  How long have you been standing there?

  The question is scribbled all over his features even though he hasn’t asked it yet.

  I twist to face the path which leads to the house. “I just left,” I lie. “I was going to help work on the boat today too but then I realized you’d headed here first.” I smile, hopeful that he’ll give me a real smile too.

  He doesn’t, only stares at the ground for a few seconds and then his eyes are on me. “I have a lot of work to do today. I need to get as much of
the boat done as possible. I also need to finish the roof.” He looks up at the sky. “Especially because I think it’s going to rain again soon judging by the humidity.”

  “Yeah, okay.” I purse my lips and stare at the tree and all the markings there.

  “I don’t like coming here anymore, Tenley.” His fingers curl around the axe in his grip tighter.

  “I know.”

  “This tree just makes me think of everything I sometimes find myself not thinking of anymore much of the time.” His features twist up in the most tortured expression. “But I have to mark this tree every day. It’s the only thing which keeps us a little connected still to the outside world.”

  “I know.”

  He chops into the wood.

  I inch closer until I’m standing to the side of him and allowing my eyes to run over the solid branches and all the markings there. “How many is it now?” My mouth is gaped in awe.

  “This one…” He points to it. “It makes eight hundred and twenty-two days.” He faces the tree.

  I drop the jug of water on the ground before I’m bowled over in the bromeliads and letting go of all my guts. I choke. I retch. I struggle to breathe through everything that comes up.

  Brooks rushes my way, arms extended with the intent to help. I stop him with a palm facing out. I heave for breath when I’m done and spit up whatever I can. I stare at my feet in the soft sand and wipe my watery eyes.

  This happens every morning…

  I’m usually in the garden by now though instead of attempting to deliver water to this man.

  How could I have forgotten?

  Brushing my hair away from my sweaty skin, I manage to stand upright, still breathing heavily.

  Brooks edges closer to me and with wide, unblinking blue eyes, he cautiously circles me as if I’m diseased.

  Without knowing how or why, a tear instantly rushes from my left eye and down my cheek.

  I tremble.

  I can barely breathe at the look on his face that is one of utter horror.

  “Is this why you’ve been rushing off in the mornings after breakfast?”

  I say nothing, only weep.

  He walks away from me, just a few feet, then stops. When he twists around to face me, he’s massaging his temples with his thumb and two fingers as sweat pours from his skin. He struggles for his words as I cry.

  I had always imagined this differently…

  I can almost see James in my head practically moved to tears and flooded with glee at the news.

  Not this.

  Brooks stomps toward me and peers down into my face. “Tenley, we can’t have a baby.”

  I’m well aware!

  But here I am…carrying your child…

  He paces endlessly like a wild animal in captivity, except that right now we are free.

  Or maybe he feels caged with the news?

  I cry more, struggling for air, feeling as close to suffocating as a person could truly be without actually dying. The nausea strikes me again, but I don’t upchuck, only groan and think about how sick I feel and then I think…I’ve been like this for a while, don’t know for exactly how long though. I guess I had stopped asking myself the questions when I realized there was nothing I could do about it.

  “We can’t have a baby, Tenley.” A girly high-pitched gasp rips from him. “How did this happen?”

  Is he serious?

  Alllll he does is fuck me.

  THIS IS HIS FAULT!

  I’m covered in sweat, brows painfully knotted. “And w-w-what do you mean howww did this happen?” I swear steam is billowing from my ears.

  Do I have to spell it out for him in midair the way Peni writes her words sometimes!

  Because it should be fucking obvious how this happened…

  I march toward him and get in his space.

  “Yes.” Every muscle in his face is tight with anger. “I-I-I always make sure I—”

  I wipe my wet face. “On the beach…Brooks, that evening on the beach…” I breathe hard.

  He stills and seems lost for oxygen.

  That beautiful moment when he got so carried away…And I was so lost that I hadn’t even thought about it until the euphoria had subsided and I realized I was filled up to my ovaries with the remnants of him…

  His orbs shine and soon tears edge his eyelids, but he doesn’t let them fall. Through and just behind that blue wet curtain, all I find is anger. Anger at me. Anger at himself. Anger directed toward the universe and everything in it…

  My chest rises and falls harshly with each inhale and exhale I manage to make myself take.

  I’m pregnant…

  I’m having a baby.

  I’m full of life…

  Some part of me is happpppy.

  Can’t he see that?

  So why on earth do I feel like a leper?

  More of my tears fall then more and more and more when I find that look on Brooks’ face.

  Disbelief. Disgust. Disappointment.

  The third one is the worst!

  It makes me want to break something.

  “FUCK!” He stomps off, taking his stupid fucking axe with him, never giving me another look.

  I palm my belly, and through my endless sniveling, still I smile, just a little.

  Brooks

  IT FEELS LIKE A lifetime ago when I found out I’m going to be a father when in fact it’s only been a few days. Tenley hasn’t spoken to me since then. Can you blame her? If silence were deadly, I’d be in the ground by now. She turns her back on me at night. And in the morning, because she’s so fucking kind, still, she places my breakfast on the table then leaves Peni and me to eat together without her.

  Let me tell you…breakfast with a spider monkey is quite entertaining.

  At the moment Peni is my only friend.

  I never thought I’d say that but it’s true.

  A painful breath leaves me and the fist around my heart tightens with it.

  I want my Tenley back, and smiling, more than she knows.

  I’ve tried to apologize but nothing can correct how I had reacted to the special moment Tenley had probably been waiting her entire life to experience.

  I had ruined it.

  I had fucked it waaaaay up.

  I’m an asshole.

  I admit it.

  For that reason, along with a multitude of other ones, I’m dying inside.

  I had always imagined raising a child with Joy in Chicago, spending summers on North Avenue Beach, lazy weekend afternoons in Millennium Park and the ones in between them at Wrigley Park watching the Chicago Cubs kick ass.

  That-will-never-happen.

  I will have to resign myself to accepting that I will be raising a child here, on this island, with nothing except for the little that we have which isn’t much. I can’t even promise this baby shoes! Let alone the best life I can give them. I’ve worked my entire life to give a child I bring into this world the best of everything. Now, I will be giving them even less than what I never had. So, that equates to nothing.

  Fuck.

  A pain shoots up the back of my neck…a direct result of those thoughts.

  I rub it away with a hand and gaze up at the blazing sun.

  It’s mid-afternoon.

  With a grunt, I send the axe toward the boat and take another chunk out of the wood. Then, I take a step back and admire the shape of it now and think about what it once was. It’s hollowed out. Hopefully, it’s seaworthy. There’s even a water catch over the top for when it rains. The true test for this vessel will be when it’s put in the water on a rough day. Still, it isn’t ready yet. There’s so much more to do.

  I pull the compass Peni had given me all those weeks ago from my pocket and spin in circles…north, south, east, west. The brass dial shifts with my movement.

  Satisfaction leaves me with a grunt.

  Where did Peni get this from?

  I focus less on the question simply happy that I now possess the object. So, I suppose
the hows and the whys truly don’t matter right now.

  I head over to the cliffs and gaze out at the sea and the nothingness there and then I find myself strolling farther and farther away from the work which should be keeping me busy. Soon, I’m at the edges of the garden, breathing in the soft salty breeze which blows, and peeking through the trees like a stalker.

  Tenley is strolling through the wide aisles which are edged with white lilies.

  She’d cut her hair in the last few days but it’s still at her waist, one mess of golden waves to match her tanned skin and remarkable eyes. With a breath, I lean against the tree next to me and let the axe fall to the ground.

  Peni is nowhere to be found since she’s likely swinging from the trees the exact way monkeys always do in the movies.

  Tenley’s gaze is soft, her expression sad because I made it that way as she continues to stroll the beautiful garden which she’d poured a lot of damn hard work into to make it this way.

  It’s her sanctuary.

  A place where she comes to be happy or sad.

  I watch her for a while…

  And then my heart rate kicks up at what she does next.

  I stand a little straighter, lips parted, breaths shallow as fuck.

  She smiles. She damn well smiles then cranes her neck up at the sun. And then her hand finds her stomach and rests there while she mutters words I can’t hear. “I love you,” she mouths, caressing her belly with a hand.

  My posture slumps into the tree and my emotions sway between happiness and confusion.

  Why is this so fucking beautiful?

  Because she’s carrying your child which you had put there in a torrent of passion…

  This changes things exponentially. This shifts the entire universe. This is life-altering.

  I want to make her believe. I want to make her understand, but…

  She isn’t mine. She isn’t mine. She isn’t mine.

  My brows knot and a long loud breath escapes from my lungs.

  I smile a little too.

  Tenley laughs and I swear it’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.

  I want her to do it more.

  Leaning against the tree, I watch her for a little longer and soon I find myself smiling at the sight of her being so happy and with child. When she twists to the side again and twirls around in her ratty white dress, still, I’m assured, that it’s the most magnificent thing I’ve ever fucking seen in my life.