The Island

by Daya Daniels

  This has always been my worst fear…

  That one day one of us would need medical attention desperately and would have no access to it and would suffer the consequences because we are here. Tenley wanted to slice her belly open just as the doctor’s would’ve done to her if she were ever a patient at Northwestern Memorial Hospital back in Chicago to avoid this calamity…Only they’d have something to stitch Tenley back up with…I only have my prayers…

  Tenley sends me a look. “Brooks.” She reaches for me. “Brooks…”

  This room right now should be filled with a baby’s delicate cries as it enters the world. Instead, there is deafening silence except for the crickets outside which chirp their song tonight.

  And then realization strikes her.

  Tenley had been in labor for too long…

  She lets out a blood-curdling wail as I do my best to perform CPR on warm flesh and tender bones.

  I keep going until it’s clear there’s nothing I can do to bring our baby back to this world.

  With a haunted look stamped all over her face and with desperation, Tenley reaches for Lola once more. I have no clue what to do. My mind wars between wanting to give Lola to Tenley and then a part of me wants to shield Tenley from the horror, run right out of the house and hide this tragic reality away from her.

  I can only breathe.

  I imagined this moment far differently. It’s supposed to be filled with smiles and tears of joy along with the sweet and rattling cries of a newborn.

  Not pain!

  Tenley gasps for air, so much air, it’s as if she can barely breathe. “Give her to me, Brooks.”

  Tears.

  Screams.

  Cries.

  Each one more horrific than the last.

  “GIVE HER TO ME!” With Tenley’s second attempt, I let her have the lifeless baby in my hands.

  My child.

  Our daughter.

  Snatched away like a perfect dream we were never destined to have.

  Instead we’re gifted only with a fucking nightmare.

  I fall back onto my ass, glaring at my bloody hands, exhausted, allowing my tears to fall, and take in the wretched scene in front of me, and determine that after all this…

  God must truly have it out for us.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Tenley

  I SHOULD’VE DONE IT…

  I should’ve cut myself and ripped her right out of me.

  She’d still be alive.

  She would’ve taken her first breath of air...

  The warm breeze which floats over me eases me back into my sad reality.

  I have no clue what time it is, possibly midday. I don’t know anymore or care.

  The bright sun warms my shoulders and the sky is a pristine blue.

  Such beauty in this Hell.

  Despite the warmth, all I feel is cold.

  I lie down in the mountain of white lilies and right on top of where we’d buried Lola. I come here every day and rest flowers on top of it and then I let myself cry, praying that my tears will somehow penetrate the ground like some magical hope potion and bring my daughter back to life.

  I place my ear to the ground and drag my fingers through the grass that blows with the wind.

  I’ll never hear her cry.

  So now I imagine what it would’ve sounded like.

  Sweet. Soft definitely. A cry I would never have been able to ignore.

  My palm rests on the pile of freshly laid warm dirt.

  I should’ve done it…

  Even if I had died…

  I should’ve done it…

  If I could rewind the very elusive thing called time, I would do it, just so she could live.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and let my tears fall.

  Guilt rests heavy on my chest like a pile of rocks.

  I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

  Her squirm. Her hiccups. Her kicks. The way she always made me feel so hungry. Now, I’m not hungry at all…I’m full from being forced to only eat pain. I’m choking on it!

  I’ll never get used to feeling so empty.

  In my belly.

  In my heart.

  In my hands.

  Empty, empty, empty.

  Nothingness.

  My body had failed me, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.

  Brooks

  ONE THOUSAND AND TWO days…

  The fog hangs low this afternoon.

  I sit at the desk in this house that’s been eerily quiet lately.

  Empty even though two people and a spider monkey live in it.

  Glancing over at Tenley who’s lying in bed, my chest constricts.

  I can’t shake the image of Tenley holding Lola, talking to her, kissing her over and over, wailing, and I likely never will. A man doesn’t ever unsee something like that…It’s burned into my memory for life.

  Lola had my eyes…the most entrancing blue I’ve ever seen, and she had Tenley’s cute chin.

  Still, the wooden crib that I’d tossed out the door in a fit, lies in broken pieces…much like us…at the bottom of the stairs which lead to this home. I make a mental note to move it, maybe burn it, make it disappear.

  Fuck.

  I pinch the bridge of my nose and silently say a prayer which I’ve been doing every night since then. I’ve wondered what James would do to make Tenley happy again if he were here. Heck, it skitters through my mind that maybe only he can. Because I have no fucking clue what to do.

  I work during the day. I cook. I clean. I function much like a machine. I’ve even been spending time with Peni and teaching her random shit like how to play rock, paper, scissors. I tend to everything which Tenley has lost all interest in…

  Peni is perched near her head. She brushes Tenley’s long golden hair away from her face encouraging her awake since nowadays outside of visiting Lola each day, all Tenley does is sleep—in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night.

  Tenley sleeps and sleeps and sleeps…Her breasts are still painfully swollen with milk for a baby she will never feed as her body heals.

  I saw it in her eyes that night…her willingness to die for our child.

  I understood it.

  It terrified me.

  My God…

  Just the thought of being left here alone makes me want to jump off the cliffs.

  Tenley couldn’t let Lola go. But we had to bury her. After three days, I pulled her from Tenley’s iron grip while Tenley enraged, cursed me, my mother, along with the very day I was born and sent us all straight to Hell.

  I had to bury Lola and feel so fucking guilty for that.

  A shaky breath leaves me.

  When Tenley’s lashes flutter and her eyes pop open a little, Peni puts a berry to her lips.

  A little hope flickers through me and I appreciate Peni’s persistence.

  With a hand, Tenley swats Peni away right before her eyes shut again.

  A loud breath drifts from me.

  Peni scampers in my direction and sits at the edge of the desk.

  I smile at her.

  She puts a berry to my lips. I open my mouth and allow her to feed me.

  “Thank you, Peni.”

  She pops a few more berries into her mouth and then she’s gone.

  I’m left alone once again with my thoughts and a sleeping Tenley.

  I have no words for her…

  What on earth do you say to a mother who has lost her child?

  My head hangs in my hands…

  I hear it…Even though I hear it…I don’t attempt to make a move. It gets closer and closer and soon it’s on top of us.

  VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

  An airplane flies overhead confirming we aren’t in another dimension as I’d once suspected.

  Still, I don’t make one goddamn move.

  It’d be pointless.

  Too much fucking fog.

  I remain still and staring at the floor, and when my eyes flicker
up Tenley is already looking at me. She does nothing, doesn’t flinch, doesn’t shoot upright, doesn’t scream and suggest we go running out of the house begging for someone to save our lives. With a slow blink, she only rolls over and goes back to sleep.

  We just want peace.

  We’re resigned.

  We’re utterly spent.

  Tenley

  I’VE BEEN LYING HERE for so long I probably have bed sores, but I don’t care…

  The stars are out and the breeze which washes into the house through the windows is soft. I hadn’t realized it was night already since the last time my eyes were open it was daylight. It’s better like this though, sleeping.

  I’m lost in my dreams, hanging suspended, escaping reality.

  I’d disappeared from the world in the only way I know how to…

  “Tenley.” Brooks’ voice slips into my ears and his hand caresses my bare shoulder. “Tenley.”

  I blink a few times and absorb the sight of him.

  The house is clean and filled with the fragrance of vanilla from the lit candles.

  I smell something else though…

  “Are you hungry?” His eyes look hopeful, as if he would throw himself at my feet if I would only eat something more than the berries which Peni shoves in my mouth even when I’m asleep.

  “Yes.”

  He smiles. “Okay, that’s good.”

  I shift onto my back and prepare to get out of bed.

  The metal tub sits in the middle of the floor.

  I can only guess that it’s for me…

  Steam drifts from it and the soap suds threaten to spill over its sides. A single laceleaf sits in a vase on the table next to the bed. A breath of awe slips from me at its beauty when I’m having difficulty seeing the beauty in anything.

  Brooks twists around and is holding a bowl in his hands…a familiar scent drifting from it.

  The spoon in his grip nudges my lips before I can even ask the question and I’m already swallowing it down. I lick my lips right after and I’m unable to stop the fragile smile which finds its way to them.

  Brooks’ thick brows are smashed together as he holds the next spoonful.

  “You made soup?”

  Only a nod is his response. “You said it always made you feel better...” He peers into the bowl. “It probably isn’t the best fennel soup.” He frowns. “I tried my best.”

  “It’s good.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” I smile a little.

  It’s quiet while I eat.

  He huffs. “I know this won’t change everything, Tenley, but I thought it might help to get you out of bed.” His eyes are so, so sad as he shovels another spoonful into my mouth.

  I eat it slowly.

  “I miss you.” His bottom lip wobbles with the confession.

  A thick tear slips from my eye while I carry on eating and he continues feeding me.

  It’s the first time I’ve realized that in my own grief I’d taken no consideration of his.

  Lola was his daughter too.

  She was ours.

  When the soup is done, I weep, and he pulls me to his chest and kisses my cheek. “It wasn’t your fault, Tenley.”

  “I just want to know why...”

  “We’ll never know why, Tenley.” He sucks in a breath. “Sometimes life challenges you. Often it takes things away from you. Fuck knows why. Look at everything we’ve lost, Tenley, everything, and we’ve survived.” He holds me tight, and warm, strong hands soothe me, stroke me, make me feel protected and with that assurance just a little guilt leaves me…just a little. “We’ve survived it all.” He kisses my cheek. “I won’t let go of you now. I won’t let us fall apart now. I need you, Tenley. I need you so fucking much.” His nose is pressed into my skin as he breathes me in like I’m the much-needed air to his very lungs.

  I cry more.

  Soon, Brooks’ voice fills the room when he begins to sing.

  It’s something familiar, Creedence Clearwater Revival, I think.

  It’s calming.

  I allow myself to be held.

  Needing it.

  Fucking desperately.

  Because, even though my stomach is empty, my heart is still so very full.

  I vow to remember that…

  Brooks

  ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED and forty-three days…

  “What do you think?” Tenley’s face scrunches.

  We stand at the bow of the boat just looking at it, examining its angles, unable to believe that after all these years, what used to be a work in progress is now this masterpiece.

  I rub my jaw and then set off on another inspection, wiping the sweat from my face, absorbing how humid it is today and the thick clouds above which blot out the sun yet do nothing to cool the air.

  We’d worked day and night on this boat, more so after the night I had made fennel soup…

  Tenley sank herself into helping with it more and soon it became her focus.

  My eyes sweep over the angles and my fingers curl over the left side of the boat, testing it for sturdiness. Of course, we won’t know how it fairs until we get it in the water which we should really aim to do today.

  I step away from it and a proud smile takes over my face. “It looks good.”

  “We just need to put it in the water, right?” Tenley’s eyes gleam with enthusiasm.

  “Yes, we do.”

  I glance up at the sky and the thick clouds and before I can even mention it the raindrops are already falling and hitting my skin.

  “It’s just a little rain, Brooks, we can still put it in the sea today.”

  I lick my lips and observe her anxiousness. “We can’t today.”

  Her smile fades until it’s gone completely.

  I turn my back to her and stroll the length of the boat.

  “The faster we can get the damn thing in the water, Brooks, the quicker we can get home.”

  The breath which fills my chest and is then let out is big and long.

  It isn’t that simple…

  I stand facing the forest of teak trees, my emotions a swinging pendulum between annoyance, possession, and I don’t know what the fuck else. “You’re anxious to get home…”

  “Yes, Brooks, of course. Aren’t you?” She’s standing right behind me, ignoring that the rain is falling, just as I am…

  Or maybe I fell a long time ago?

  Hard to tell.

  I’d make an interesting study right about now for Charles Darwin, if he were still alive…

  I don’t answer Tenley’s question.

  Do I truly make her happy?

  I tell the question doing a stupid dance in my head to fuck off.

  I twist around to face her. “Yes, of course I am.” I focus on her eyes for a beat which are still beautiful yet devoid of a tiny fraction of light since that night we lost Lola.

  TAP. TAP. TAP.

  The rain falls a little harder and each droplet soaks the thin gauzy dress Tenley is wearing and causes it to stick to her skin like wet tissue. Her long hair is damp. Her nipples are perked. Her expression is serene, like that of an angel.

  TAP. TAP. TAP.

  We stand beneath the rain, just staring at each other.

  “Brooks, we’re so close.” She lifts her hand. “It’s just a light drizzle. We can do this…today.”

  I step closer and peer down into her face, observing the raindrops as they splash her skin and drip from the tip of her nose. I’m well aware that my expression is twisted up. I just don’t know why.

  “What’s the matter, Brooks?”

  I don’t know.

  I don’t-fucking-know…

  She isn’t mine. She isn’t mine. She isn’t mine.

  Instead of saying those ridiculous words, I lift my hand and run my thumb over her brow and then down along her face, caressing the skin that I’ve missed so much. My lips connect with hers softly, only brushing over them, wanting them, and then I press a kiss to them.

/>   Amber beams back at me before Tenley blinks rapidly. “I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

  Truthfully, it’s been a while…since I’ve touched this woman. Unsure of how to tread, allowing her spirit to heal from the war we’d just been through and lost. Still, I yearn for her, to be together and for her touch.

  Warm, sweet breaths puff against my mouth.

  I’m practically falling over to catch them in my own. “Honestly, Tenley, I wanted you to take all the time you needed even if that meant eternity.”

  Her tawny lashes brush the tops of her cheeks when her eyes fix on my chest.

  I want to know what she’s thinking, crawl into her mind and sort her thoughts out for her. But I know I can’t. They’re hers and hers alone.

  She gifts me with a tiny smile. “You’ve been so romantic.”

  I almost explode into laughter but then I don’t because I’m grateful she’d noticed.

  I’m not exactly a flowers, walks-on-the-beach, bubble baths, and fennel soup sort of guy.

  A sly smile crawls across my lips. “I try my best.”

  “Thank you, Brooks, for that…” Her eyes tell me she means it, that she had appreciated the extra mile I’d gone each time to make her feel better even if it hadn’t worked. Frankly, I owed her every effort and more. Still do.

  I pull her into my embrace. She moans with the contact and then my spine stiffens the way it always does when her body is pressed against mine.

  She bites her lip. “I think I’d like for you to make love to me now.”

  “Oh, Tenley.” My lips find the corner of her supple mouth and my tongue licks the rain away from it.

  Her back bows when I hold on to her. “Please make love to me…”

  They’re the only words I need to hear…

  An invitation.

  A demand.

  Permission to take once more what isn’t mine…

  We stand in the rain, allowing it to wet our skin and clothes, accepting it, just as we have our lives here.