Faulty Tales

by Ralph Lante

  Basil

  (Interrupting) Sybil!

  Sybil

  What is it?

  Basil

  Happy anniversary, dear! (He gives her a kiss on the cheek)

  Sybil

  What?

  Basil

  You heard!

  Sybil

  Are you trying to tell me you remembered?

  Basil

  No need to try, my little dumpling, the facts speak for themselves. Manuel, can you please bring the gift for my darling wife.

  As Manuel fetches the gift Basil keeps talking

  Basil

  You see, I thought wouldn’t it be wonderful to celebrate this happy occasion in front of all these fine people here.

  Sybil

  Yes. It’s quite romantic in fact.

  Basil

  Romantic… yes… exactly my thought. But if I told you, wouldn’t that spoil the surprise.

  Sybil

  Yes… I agree this is a wonderful surprise, Basil.

  Basil

  I think sometimes you greatly underestimate me, you know.

  Sybil

  What I underestimate is your ability to act. You showed absolutely no sign you were planning a surprise like this.

  Basil

  My dear, just thank God you have found yourself a man with style.

  Manuel hands Sybil the box.

  Sybil

  This is beautiful, Basil

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen, please… a round of applause for my wife, in celebration of our anniversary.

  As the audience claps, Basil gives his wife another short kiss on the cheek and looks very proud of himself. Sybil opens the gift.

  Sybils face changes as she looks in the box, while Basil is still smiling like a Cheshire cat.

  Sybil

  Flour?

  Basil

  What?

  Sybil

  You bought me, flour!

  Basil

  Yes, of course, your favourites, I hope!

  Basil grabs the box and looks inside. He lifts out a paper flour bag, shakes it, smells it and then licks it. He looks underneath the bag in the box. Basil glares at Manuel, raises a fist at him and shakes his head. Manuel looks scared and runs back stage.

  Sybil

  (Angrily) Basil, why on Earth did you buy me flour?

  Basil

  Hmmm… I noticed we were a bit short?

  Sybil grabs the flour bag and breaks it over Basil’s head. He is covered in flour.

  Sybil

  Now that's what I call a good anniversary present. Thanks Basil!

  Sybil walks off stage, laughing. Basil is standing there, dumbstruck, covered in flour. After a few seconds he regains his composure and turns to the audience, as if nothing happened.

  Basil

  Thank you for coming tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Please join us again, and don’t forget to tell your friends!

  Pause

  Basil

  Actually, it’s probably best you don’t mention this to anyone. Mum’s the word…Thank you.

  End of show.