Sinner's Prayer

by Seth King

  He stares at me.

  “Fabian, seriously. I’ve built my whole life around this. What will I do? And you…you’re a janitor. No offense, I’m just stating a fact. You’re a janitor, and my undergrad degree is in theology. Consider I walk away. What would we do? There is no money anywhere.”

  “We do whatever we want,” he smiles. “And you’re terrified of that.”

  “Maybe I am. But one of us has to have some sense.”

  “Sense? You push my love away like it’s a stick of dynamite.”

  “Do I really do that?” I ask, dismayed.

  “Sometimes, yes. I have to protect myself at some point, you know. I’m falling in love with someone who is…who is in this situation. You look at me and think of sin, you associate me with the worst things in the world. I can’t deal with that sometimes. You walk away and it’ll fucking destroy me. I can’t do that to myself again, not with my past.”

  Tears seeping out of my eyes, I take in all his otherworldly beauty. “Fabian. You’re wrong. I look at you and think of clouds and dreams and things I’ve never even been able to imagine before because they made me too happy. Let me figure this out. I’m trying every day, and I want you to go there with me. I want to make it with you. Hell, Fabian, I want to get old with you.”

  He smiles, bit his eyes are dark. I know exactly what this date was – a last-minute push. He’s getting impatient. “Well hurry up and get there, because I won’t be waiting here forever. I’d almost rather walk away now than have to start liking you even more and look back on even more memories with you. And-”

  But before he can finish, the server arrives, and cuts off the conversation for good. An alarm starts blaring, and the employees in the back start getting a little frantic and maybe annoyed.

  “Kitchen fire,” our server explains breathlessly. “It’s tiny, but the fire department says we have to evacuate and shut down, anyway. The owners really won’t be happy about losing a night of revenue because Frankie started a little grease fire on his break…anyway, I’m so sorry, please follow us out.”

  I groan and prepare to leave, annoyed that something so small has ruined our big night.

  “Jesus. Do you know what this means?” Fabian asks, smiling, as the smell of greasy smoke hits my nose.

  “What?”

  “I walked into a church, and the thing literally burst into flames. Guess I really am the devil, aren’t I?”

  “Yes. But my devil, and that makes all the difference.”

  I head into the room in the church a little before him, and as soon as he crosses into the doorway he reaches back and does the strangest thing: rubs his finger from my clavicle, up my neck, to my ear. I just stare at him, but my moan reveals everything I didn’t say. He grabs me by the shoulders, literally slams me against the door, and kisses me.

  Wait – let me say that again. He really kisses me. And it feels like everything in me is sliding into an endless sea of utopia. Dreams were made of whatever Fabian Blanco was created from. Whatever dreams are, Fabian is the same. My dream guy…

  I roll my tongue around in his mouth, his crisp clean warm wonderful mouth. He’s a star and I’ve been searching through space for him all my life.

  “So say I wanted to know about getting it,” I whisper, emboldened by the wine. “What does it feel like?”

  “Sex? Hmmm. It’s one of those things that changes your life. It’s just…a bliss that doesn’t end.”

  “Show me, then. Take me there.”

  We undress and just tangle up in the bed together. Tangled is a good word for this, actually – my limbs are tangled in his, my dreams are tangled in his scent and his memory and his magic, my conscience is tangled up in all the ramifications of what my obsession with him means. Forever – we were always taught, above all, to cast aside earthly pleasures in pursuit of an eternal stay in heaven by His side. But I’ve found the Him whose side I would happy to stay next to, and it has nothing to do with golden gates.

  All at once I realize I want to do it: I want to have sex with the man who is becoming my boyfriend. Even in a church. So I disappear into the bathroom for a second and take stock my of situation. I think of the insanely winding road that led to this moment; the litany of rules I’ve broken and swept aside along the way. I am a new man, bound by new rules. Or no rules at all, really.

  Thou shall not covet? I covet every inch of Fabian’s body, all the time. Thou shall not lie? Every day I told myself I was “straight,” and that I didn’t want him, was dead wrong. At least I didn’t covet any of my neighbor’s wives. Just, occasionally, their husbands…

  I know the biggest “sin” in my mind, homosexuality, isn’t addressed in the main commandments. But that doesn’t mean the subject didn’t hijack my life. As an evangelical, my life revolved around one goal: living a life true to the Lord so I could one day get into heaven. But the second my eyes got stuck in Fabian’s, all that imploded. Two new facts now rule my world now: that homosexuality is a mortal sin, and two, that I am falling for Fabian. If I am a sinner, he is my prayer – and this reality is challenging everything I have ever believed in my life. And I kind of love it.

  “Okay, God,” I pray aloud, staring at my own reflection. “Game over. Time to get this out of the way. I know what the Bible says. I know all that. But it says a lot of stuff, and things are starting to not add up anymore. I just need to feel Your presence. If this is wrong, if you want to stop me, tell me now. Show me. Make me feel it. I want to feel it. Because I will listen. You made me like this, you made me love Fabian, and I don’t see why you would’ve created me just to hate myself.”

  I wait. No response.

  “But…on the other hand, if you are okay with it, let me feel that, too. If you want me to sleep with Fab, let me know, because I’d be happy to do that. I can’t imagine you’d make me love someone this much and then doom me to hell for it. So…make me feel something. I’m waiting. I’ve been waiting. Please?”

  I stare at myself. I still don’t feel a thing in the world. Actually, all I feel is the electric light of Fabian’s love, just as I have felt for weeks now. Every hour in my car, every morning waking into his light in a hotel room – I’ve felt it every moment. And as it says in the Bible itself, love is never wrong.

  And I think, in lieu of any other official response from God in the form of a burning bush or a booming voice, I’ll just trust in the Bible.

  And so, with a new lightness in my bones and a new song in my soul, I turn for the bedroom to have sex with my boyfriend.

  Several Hours Away

  Professor John Kinnan

  St. Marys, Georgia

  I review the information fanned out on my desk in front of me and smile.

  Well, maybe not smile. Nothing about this is funny. But there is at least some comfort in the fact that I will right this ship. I will restore order to this school, or I will go down in flames trying.

  I’ve always had trouble with the Venus boy. Well, if not trouble, definite…concerns. He was always the first to talk back in class, go against the Godly principles laid out before him. Then I saw him exiting that…well, that establishment of ill repute. The rumors kept coming, that they would walk on campus together, and talk when they shouldn’t have been talking. Now I know why.

  I am not a stupid man. I know the world is changing. But that is exactly why Covenant Academy needs to dig its feet into the sands and stand as strongly as ever against these changing winds. During my youth, when the wicked were running around as “hippies” and Gloria Steinem and her ilk started telling young women to forget about starting families and live wild, unstructured lives, did my church back down? No, we decided to double down and be more steadfast than ever. And the moment passed. If I do the same, my school will see its way through this current American crisis.

  I’d already gotten word from the head of maintenance that one of our students was associating with a faculty member, and after that debacle involving the deranged woman demanding child sup
port, I was tempted to act swiftly. But I waited. I wanted to have all the details in case things went off the rails, like last time. And I’m glad I did wait. I will never have to deal with Venus again.

  I am also not a bigoted man. My gardener is from El Salvador, and my brother married a woman who was half-black. I smile at them just as I smile at anyone else. But God gave us certain rules, rules any man of the cloth would obviously be expected to follow. And I will not allow my students to live ungodly lifestyles. Whatever he’s doing with this janitor – and I shudder to even imagine it – but it is a choice, no matter what he’s been told. Everything in this life is a choice. And when I heard from a brotherly congregation that the janitor was not only traveling with Venus, but likely staying in the same hotel room with him, I knew I had to act. I cannot ignore this anymore, and it simply will not be allowed to occur under my roof. The employee quit, of course, a young Mr. Blanco, and according to the guidelines there is nothing I can do where he is concerned.

  But Venus is different.

  I pick up the phone and dial the number. It all ends here.

  Fabian Blanco

  “Fabian. Please fuck me.”

  Bump-bump.

  “You’re sure? In a church?”

  He swallows. “I’m sure. Dead sure.”

  “Oh, come here. You’re so beautiful…”

  Adam almost looks sad as he sinks onto the bed next to me. Then I kiss him for every beautiful morning we’ve spent together in a run-down little town, I kiss for him for every night we’ve fallen asleep together to the faint blueish glow of an unwatched television show. I want, more than anything I’ve ever wanted, to keep this man, to protect him and give him nothing but good things and shield him from anything bad the world may throw. Because he is mine now. Regardless of it all, he’s here, and he is mine. Even in this church.

  I lay him out, his beautiful body stretching out before me like mountains in front of a pioneer. And I am going to conquer him. How I ever resisted him before this, I have no idea. Just the idea is blasphemous to me now, against my very grain. I deserve an award for this.

  “How’s it going to feel?” he asks, so nervously I try not to giggle.

  “Like…a finger. But bigger. And harder.”

  I’ve had the lube and condoms in my bag for weeks now, waiting for the right moment. Waiting until he became ready. And I know he is now. We can both feel it, this wild electric static energy. I don’t care what tomorrow holds when today is this beautiful.

  “You wanna know how I know God is real, and the universe was designed?” he asks slowly, his voice pained, as I position myself between his open legs and get myself ready.

  “How?”

  “Because He made you.”

  I smile at him.

  I get ready.

  I take the deepest breath of my life.

  And then I slip into him, and here in the house of the Lord, he is no longer a virgin…

  Adam Venus

  Bump-bump.

  His tip enters me, but I can’t handle it yet. It’s too big, and I rock my hips backward a little.

  “Ugh, damn. Just hold it there. Please.”

  “You’re so fucking tight,” he murmurs, still inside me. “And you’re cursing. I like it a lot.”

  “Yeah, well, give me a second to adjust, big boy.”

  After an immeasurable stretch he finally pumps his hips a little. I cry out again, but it’s better this time, easier. His eyes roll back into his head, and it makes me moan again. He is so beautiful, the fact that he is getting pleasure from my body makes me feel aroused in a way I never have before. He’s inside me. He’s in my body…

  Soon he goes faster and faster. As he pumps I keep thinking about it: he’s fucking me. He’s fucking me…

  I don’t even recognize the sounds I’m making now, I just know I’m shouting and moaning and making a ruckus. But I love it. I have never, in my life, given up control like this, and it feels like a revolution. I know every second of this heaven could be sending me closer to hell, but I don’t know how to stop enjoying this reckless pleasure. Nothing really scares me here with him, anyway, lost in his halo’s glow. Nothing can touch us, nothing can bother us, a forest fire wouldn’t even pose a threat.

  “Fuck me, Fab,” I say, really getting lost in these rising tides. I reach around and grip the backs of his thighs. “Fuck me harder.”

  “You got it,” he says, and then he lifts my hips a little, pauses, then plunges himself in until I feel him deep in my abdomen. Holy wow, I’ve never had someone use me like this. This is different. And hot. And different…

  Now I know why they call it “falling” for someone. There is so much air above me. I am descending, falling, flat on the ground already.

  He pauses and kisses my sweaty forehead. I put my head against his chest and start to cry a little. But these are not sad tears. They are tears that say I never thought in one hundred thousand years that someone could ever mean this much to me.

  “You okay?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’m just so…moved.”

  “Really? How? Seeing images of purgatory? Lava? Fire? Little dancing men in red costumes?”

  “Heaven,” I blush. “I feel heaven. That’s all.”

  He laughs, but it’s a dark laugh. A hungry laugh.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m glad. Because you’re about to get it harder.”

  “What?”

  “That was nothing. I’m gonna fuck you hard, fuck you until you’re not conflicted anymore. You’re gonna want this dick, and you’re gonna want it bad, every day. Got it?”

  “Oh, Fabian…”

  He leans my legs all the way back, rocks his hips, and plunges deeper than he did before. It feels – well, I don’t have the words. Nobody would. I’ve never felt anything like it. It makes me love him – it just makes me have so many feelings for him, they overflow out of me.

  And that’s what happens. I overflow.

  To my absolute horror, I get a little too into the moment and blurt out the following desperate statement: “I’m in love with you, Fab.”

  He stops moving. I clap my hand over my mouth. I just said that. I just told him I loved him in the middle of a sex session. I can’t believe myself. I said it out loud, and I will never be able to take it back.

  He rocks back a little, giving me a look I can’t describe or pinpoint. How is he an open book and totally unreadable at the same time? He’s like a mystery in open daylight. But whatever he is thinking, I do know one thing: I am mortified. Beyond mortified. So I scoot backwards until he is out of me, then run to the bathroom alone.

  Fabian Blanco

  He loves me. He loves me…

  When he said it, I thought I’d imagined it at first. Surely something that beautiful could only happen in a dream. But his horrified reaction told me everything I needed to know.

  He shouldn’t be embarrassed, though. I know I am bad at showing it sometimes, but I love him more than anything in the world. That’s why I’m so quiet – I don’t know what to say. I would never be able to tell him how special the past few weeks of my life have been. Nothing before Adam matters anymore. He’s lit up my days and made my nights warm and comfortable and steady. All I ever want to do now is be with him and make him happy and give him a good life. How could he not know that? How could anyone not know that?

  And then I remember, of course he doesn’t know it – I’ve never said it. Maybe that should change.

  I sit up against the pillows. Maybe it should change now.

  Adam Venus

  I’m looking at myself in the mirror again, and the light in the bathroom casts an eerie, silvery glow on my naked torso. I can’t believe I said I loved him, but more than that, I can’t believe I meant it. This is crazy. It makes not an ounce of sense in the world.

  But I did mean it, and if he asks, I won’t deny it. I love him. I love Fabian Judas Blanco.

  After what feels like fore
ver, he appears in the doorway, naked. I don’t say anything. He comes up me from behind and wraps his strong arms around me, silver on silver. For a moment I stop fretting. We look so striking together like this. He is the prayer to my sinner, the lion to my lamb. He is everything.

  From this angle, with my body long and outstretched, I can’t tell if it looks like he’s lifting me up towards heaven or pulling me down to hell. Maybe he’s always done both. Maybe we’ve created a heavenly purgatory here, this state of grace where I must confront all my deepest fears and darkest demons…

  “That thing you said,” he murmurs soon. “Did…did you mean it?”

  “I did,” I whisper. “I did.”

  I close my eyes and wait.

  When I hear his voice next, it is directly against my earlobe. “I love you too, Adam. I have for a long time now. That just made me the happiest guy in the world.”

  And again, I overflow. My world is made of wild light, my body is a burst of air. He makes everything else in the world disappear. But this time I don’t say anything.

  He pats at my ass. “How do you feel down there?”

  I swallow. “I feel…fine, actually. I’m pretty sure I feel fine. Nothing like what I expected. It doesn’t hurt yet.”

  “Interesting.”

  “Yeah. But I do, and I say this as someone who has never held a cigarette in my life, feel a crazy urge to smoke something, though. What is that?”

  “That is called sex,” he laughs. “You’re officially no longer a virgin. Congrats.”

  I grip him tighter. “I’m sorry for saying it like that.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because it was so…so sudden, so informal. It was like a proposal at a laundromat or something. You deserved more.”