by Tara Brown
I don't know if he died with her. Did she die to take him from me so I would live on healed? Did she do it on purpose? The memory of being frozen as her lips press against mine, and she sucks all the evil out of me, suggests that’s how it happened.
But there’s also a chance that wasn't real and it’s more likely the bots healed the shadows and I’m just better. The urge is there. The sarcastic and bitter man I was before this all happened is still me. But there’s this weird lightness that seems to smother the fire of hatred.
I almost miss the old me.
Because I don't know what to do with this new me.
The three little girls and I stand off to the side, watching Furgus sit next to Lou’s body. He rests his head on her lap and it’s possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
A little boy walks over to us, slipping his hand into Joey’s.
“Hi, Mason,” she says softly.
“Hi, Joey. This is Mitch.” He points to the guy next to him. He looks about my age, maybe. His eyes are red and his face is drawn. He doesn’t stare at Lou like he knew her. He stares at Tanya’s body next to Lou’s. He blinks and silent tears trickle down his cheeks. There is no life in him. Like Lee, he’s hollow. Like me.
“Hi, Mitch.” Joey pulls her hand from Mason and offers it to the guy. He fakes a smile and shakes her tiny hand.
“Nice to meet you, Joey. Tanya talked a lot about you,” his voice cracks and I notice the beagle sitting at his feet.
He whines the same way Gus did and runs over. He jumps up and climbs onto Tanya’s pyre, curling into a ball and resting his head on her chest.
The guy, Mitch, sobs quietly.
Joey squeezes my finger and stares ahead again.
People start to come over.
The crowd draws behind us as if we’re the family of the deceased at a funeral.
But we’re not wearing black. We’re a crowd of beaten down and exhausted people who vaguely recall the last eleven months of our lives. We’ve been running and crying and screaming and dying. There’s been zombies and bots and blood that moves on its own. It’s a horror movie or a story from a science fiction TV series. It’s not real. It can’t be.
And yet here we are.
Standing at the grave sites of the girls who ended it all.
They were some of the only people who saw what was happening and knew it was wrong and evil. I was not one of those people. The bots were a perfect creation for me. I still crave that feeling of knowledge and power and healing. Super strength and the ability to do anything I think of. The ability to control everyone and everything.
But there is one thing I crave more than all that.
Her.
I wonder if she knew I would. If she knew that leaving me like this would fix me. It would force me to fixate on her to the point I couldn’t contemplate another thing.
My ability to fixate and obsess is the cure.
That makes me smile bitterly. Celia and my doctors never would have agreed to that. They were never going to cure me. They needed me broken so they had patients.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” Mason says to Joey after a long silence.
“I’m sorry for yours too,” she offers him back.
A woman walks to Mason, resting her hand on his shoulder. She’s familiar to me for a second before I realize where I know her from. Boulder. She was a nurse there. She worked with Celia. Her stare is stuck on the graves. She wipes her eyes and I remember it.
Tanya came into the ER with the wound on her shoulder. She’d tried to cut her bite mark off. Hers was different from everyone else’s. It didn’t heal itself. So they believed she had been genuinely cut. They didn't think she was a bitten. Her mom was a nurse.
It was the first time I met Tanya.
It’s weird how this all came into play. Me, Tanya, Lou. The three most important people in the zombie apocalypse. And Dr. Jacquard, the man responsible for it and for bringing it down.
What a strange turn of events.
I’m contemplating it all when Lee walks to the front of the crowd. She stands facing us, her back to Lou and Tanya.
She takes a deep breath but doesn't speak. She stares and I can tell the life hasn't come back in her yet. It will. She’ll heal. She’s one of those people. She’ll have kids and name them after Lou and Tanya and feel like she has to love on for them. It’s bullshit.
“I didn't know Tanya well at all,” she begins to speak and it’s too quiet for the crowd. Everyone hushes but the soft breeze continues to flicker the grass and wheat around us. “She was crazy brave. And maybe a little crazy.” She forces a smile.
The crowd smiles too. She’s better at this than I would have imagined.
“But I knew Lou well. Very well. She was one of my best friends in the whole world. One of the few people I loved like family, more than family.” She loses the smile.
The crowd is silent.
“And Lou loved Tanya like a sister. So that tells me all I need to know about her. Tanya was obviously an amazing person if Lou loved her. Because Lou was the best person I ever met. From the second our lives intertwined, I was always amazed at how brave and strong and cool Lou was. Everything was for her sister and her dog and her Littles.”
Lee starts to cry.
Joey doesn’t. She’s standing strong with her back straight and her chin held high. I fucking love this kid and I don't know her. The other two little girls are crying and wiping their faces.
“Mr. Milson was the best man I ever knew. He was the grandfather you wished you had. He loved his wife and he loved Lou and the Littles. He saved us so many times.” She blinks and wipes her cheeks slowly. “And then there’s Lou; obviously, the most self-sacrificing person. She would do anything to help you if she could. No one got left behind.” Lee wipes her eyes. “So if we could take a moment of silence for the two of them, that would be cool. I think they are watching us from up there and sending us all their love.”
She nods her head and walks back to the crowd.
My feet begin to move before I even know they’re walking to the front of the crowd. Joey walks with me. She doesn't look up. Perhaps she understands I need to do this.
I turn and face the crowd, it’s massive. I didn’t realize how many people actually lived.
“Thanks, Lee.” I nod at her. Her sister glares at me. I wish I had enough old me to kill her.
But it’s gone. It died the moment I realized I loved Lou.
“Lou, undoubtedly the love of my life. Which is saying something.” I pause at that and realize these people don't really know me, so they don't care about that fact. “But she was not just an amazing older sister and friend.” I gaze down at Joey who nods. Her eyes are shining like little stars. “She was a true leader. And I think we need to not just remember Lou and her sacrifice, but to honor it. Honor what she gave up. She died so you could live. So we all could. She died because she wanted us to be human and be messy and have free will. She and Tanya gave up their lives so you could have yours. Don't waste it.”
Leah smiles at me through her tears.
Joey and I walk to the pyre where Lou lies.
I drop to my knees, not just because I desperately want to touch her once more but because they buckle.
I take her hand in mine. She’s still kind of warm from the sun that’s faded away.
“I love you, Lou. I will always love you,” I whisper and I mean it. It’s not something someone says because it's the right thing. An empty promise from some asshole who loves you until the next person comes along.
I will always love her.
“I will always love you too, Lou. And I miss you.” Joey sniffles.
Leah finds her way to us, dropping to her knees much more gracefully than I did and leaning on me. “I love you.” She laughs as she wipes her face again. “Your speech was exactly what I expected. Lou was smiling in heaven. I know it.”
“I wish she was here laughing at me,” I say.
“Me too,” Jo
ey agrees.
Gus stands and shakes, giving me a look and then climbs onto the pyre with Lou. He rests his face on her stomach, similar to how the beagle is lying with Tanya.
“How are we going to get these dogs off here?” Leah asks.
“Maybe we should let them stay.” Joey looks up at Leah, her eyes filled with childish innocence. She doesn't understand what Leah is talking about.
The other pyres haven’t been lit either.
The kids don’t realize what is about to happen.
“Maybe we should let them have the night. To say goodbye. The grass is wet and the pyres are going to be brutal.” I don't speak of the burning that will take place. I’m pretty sure we can take care of that without the little kids seeing it.
Though I would have wanted to see it. I would have needed that closure.
But maybe my opinion isn’t one that should be taken into consideration.
“I think we can wait the night,” Leah agrees.
“I’ll organize watches.” I give Joey’s hand to Leah and get up, walking away from my heart.
My dead heart.
30
Day One
Lou
I wake with a gasp, sitting up sharply.
It’s dark and Gus is with me. He lifts his head, breathing into my face with his hot garbage breath. “Oh, Gus, gross.” My throat is dry and raspy but for a half a second this feels normal. My dog suffocating me with his size while we share my small bed.
Except I’m cold and the ground is wet and I’m not in my bed.
Everything feels weird.
And I’m not alone. There’s another bed next to me, like the one I’m on. It’s in front a bit. It’s empty but there was someone there, I can tell by the indent in the hay. Behind me is another one, I can’t see who’s in it, just some feet facing me.
There are lights in the field, torches. People moving in the distance. Others lie on the hay beds, motionless.
It takes me a long couple of minutes to figure out where I am and what is happening.
I’m on a stick and hay bed in the middle of a rocky field filled with others just like it.
They’re pyres.
For the fallen.
I’ve totally seen this movie.
But why am I here?
Was I dead?
Does everyone think I’m dead, well everyone but my dog? “You are such a good boy, Gus.” I scratch his face and scan the area. No one else is getting up from the beds.
I turn toward the castle that’s lit up, wondering if she’s there. Gus being here is a good sign. I hope the Littles are okay.
I get up, noting the pain is gone. That’s a bad sign.
The plan must not have worked.
Dr. Jacquard’s plan.
Everything is filtering back in slowly.
Gus follows as I run along the side of the field to the path to the castle. The guards are different from before. I don't recognize the two who nod at me as I walk through the gates and onto the grounds.
There are torches everywhere, more than normal. But there are people everywhere too. Way more than normal. A lot must have survived.
I hurry around back, just in case, I don't know what’s actually happened here or who’s in charge. Maybe this hasn't gone well at all and Liam is being a psychopath again.
I open the back door to the kitchen, grabbing an apple from the table as I walk to the back stairs. Gus follows, nudging me the whole way, as I take a bite for me and a bite for him until I reach the bedroom. My bedroom. Mine and Liam’s. That makes me blush a little.
I lift my hand to knock and realize he might not answer. He might be sleeping. Should I go to Joey first?
No, I don't know where she is, and he would want to know I’m not dead the same way I would want to know if the roles were reversed.
I open the door, noting the darkness inside, and creep in. Gus follows and jumps onto the chair in the corner and curls into a ball.
Liam’s sleeping but it’s not as peaceful as it was before. He tosses and moans, “Lou,” and I grin. He must be dreaming of me.
“Liam,” I whisper softly, creeping to the bed. “Where’s Joey?”
He moves again and I crawl onto the bottom of the bed but get a whiff of myself and wrinkle my noise.
I smell like rusty blood and maybe urine and rain and dead animal.
It’s horrible and not at all how I want him to see me. I climb back off the bed and walk to the washbasin we always have with fresh water. The water is cold, but I strip off my clothes and stand in the moonlight, flinching every time the cool washcloth touches my skin. I wash everything but my hair and then steal my pajamas from the back of the chair where Gus is lying. I put them there the last time I slept in here. I don't actually know when that was. It’s shorts and a tank top, my favorite. They even smell nice, familiar.
I creep to the bed again but this time he’s awake. He stirs and sits up. His eyes are wide. I can’t see in the dark like before. Or hear. His heartbeat isn’t audible.
“Lou?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I need to find Joey.”
“You came back? You came to haunt us? I knew you would.”
“What?” I pause and smile. “You think I’m dead?”
“I know you’re dead. But I don't care. So long as we have the rest of my life together, that’s fine. You’re going to have to show yourself to Joey in the daylight maybe. She won’t be okay mentally with her ghost sister showing up in the dark. She’s a mess.”
“You guys for reals thought I was dead.” I’m stunned. “Where is she? I have to see her and show her I’m not.” I open the door again, flooding the room with light from the candles in the hallway.
“Lou, you can’t just show up in her room in the middle of the night and expect her to be fine with that. There’s probably some ghost protocols that have to be obeyed.” He sits up more. His eyes are puffy and his face is different than I remember it.
“Liam, I’m not dead. I have a bad feeling the bots are still in me, but they’re like not working awesome. I can’t see in the dark or hear your heartbeat like before. It’s kinda lame.”
“And you sound different. Like a teenaged girl.”
“I am a teenaged girl, dick.” I laugh and he jumps out of bed.
“You’re real?” He rushes me, grabbing my hands and arms and squeezing a bit hard.
“Ow, yes!” I pull back.
He steps in closer, cupping my face and tilting my head up to his. “Oh my fucking God, you are real. Your breath smells like apples and your hair smells like donkey or goat or something horrible.”
“I—wow!” I shove him back. “I didn't get to take a shower after my resurrection, sorry.”
He laughs and pulls me back to him. “I am never letting you go again.” He kisses me and it’s so foreign I don't know how to react. The smell of his breath and his body and the way we meld into each other feels odd. “You saved me, Lou,” he whispers into my cheek as he places kisses there.
“I know. But can we talk about it when we get back from Joey’s room?” I’m tense and uncomfortable and feeling like a character in a Robot Chicken video about consent.
“No, she’s going to sleep with you, I know it. I’m going to end up on the chair with the dog.” He kisses again. “I can’t believe you lived.”
“You and me both. I have no idea what happened. I fully expected to die.” I step out of his embrace and see the realization dawn on him.
“You don't love me, do you?” He steps back, stumbling and I realize he’s wearing my shirt.
I press my lips together.
“You think it’s funny”—he pauses and blinks, visibly stunned by my response—“that you made me love you and you broke my heart and now I’m here, still totally in—?”
“No.” I step forward, grinning but desperate to reassure him. “I only think it’s funny that you’re wearing my shirt and it’s way too small and tight and you look really cute.” I’m
nervous at how annoyed he is. I remember him before, how he was.
“Oh.” He peers down and cringes, losing his anger. “Shit.” He pulls the shirt off and my breath hitches in my throat. I step closer to him, lifting a hand to his chest, but checking in his eyes to make sure this is okay. “It smelled like you and I needed that.” There’s something, maybe a lingering bit of madness, in his stare. But there’s something else I haven’t seen much of in Liam’s gaze. It’s fear. He’s scared of something and if I had to guess I’d say losing me. I hate that. I hate hurting him.
“I think the bots put us together because they sensed something about us.” I inhale sharply when my skin makes contact with his. “But I think it’s because there is something between us.”
“You feel it too?” He pushes into the contact, coming closer.
I lift my gaze to his, though it’s awkward because he’s so tall, and nod. “I feel it.”
He exhales what I have to assume is massive relief. “When you tensed, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.”
“It’s different now than it was, not having them pushing it on us and manipulating us.”
“It’s not different for me. But maybe that’s because you died and I was left here, heartbroken with your little sister gripping my finger and your dog nudging me. Reminding me of my loss.”
“Right,” I agree. “That would make it different.”
He swallows whatever he wants to say and I can tell he’s struggling.
“Can we step back, like five paces—?”
He moves before I finish the sentence.
“In the relationship? I need this instant bot love to get out of my head so I can get to know you, the real you, not whatever they were making us.”
He flinches and loses some of the softness in his expression.
“I get it, you’re all in. And I want to be all in too. But the last time my brain worked by itself I was a completely different person. And I don’t even know who I am right now. Does that make sense?” I walk to him carefully, treating him like a cat I’m trying to convince to let me pet it.
He hears me, tilts his head, and narrows his gaze like he’s squinting in doubt of me. “You want to step back, stop being all in, and find us again? Find who we really are?”
