More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.)"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and waspitched within and without--" (Painful pause and sounds of subduedmirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.

  "Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully andwonderfully made'--and woman also."

  _See also_ Drinking.

  BIGAMY

  _The Bugamist._

  A June bug married an angleworm; An accident cut her in two. They charged the bug with bigamy; Now what could the poor thing do?

  --_Punch Bowl_.

  A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:

  "The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It remindsme of a certain Kansas City police court.

  "A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner.

  "'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded.

  "'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.'

  "'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain'tbigotry. That's trigonometry!'"

  "I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to theconductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors'wives."

  "I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even ifyou were the director's only wife."

  BILLS

  COLLECTOR--"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?"

  HOUSE MEMBER--"Yes; it has passed the first reading."

  Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of longstanding. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the streetand, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he hadceased sending around for his order.

  "Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you wouldwant to deal with me when I've brought suit against you."

  "Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven'ssake don't try to starve me to death!"

  "My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat."

  "Did you laugh him to scorn?'"

  "I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right."

  TOMMY--"Why do the ducks dive?"

  HARP--"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills."

  Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One dayhe set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shippedimmediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, theyreached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in an enormouspacking-case were driven to the general store by the local teamster.Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek,tottered and fell.

  "Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl.

  Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case,whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE."

  When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like beingdecisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "accountrendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across thebillhead: "Dear Sir--I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, youdidn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, Ipaid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, youfathead.--Yours very respectfully, John Jones."

  PATIENT--"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up--somethingto put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in thisprescription?"

  DOCTOR--"No. You will find that in the bill."--_Judge_.

  _See also_ Debts; Collecting of accounts.

  BLUFFING

  VISITOR (at private hospital)--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"

  MATRON--"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're arelative?"

  VISITOR (boldly)--"Oh, yes! I'm his sister."

  MATRON--"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm hismother."--_Punch_.

  Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when tobluff.

  Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventhtime the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed therear door.

  "What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had gotthe better of him.

  "Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned the driver."Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down,and it starrts 'er up quicker loike."

  Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a UnitedStates senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than threehundred and fifty pounds.

  On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barelycaught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left wasan upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coilingup his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches inan upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularlyenraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth wasoccupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than ahundred and twenty.

  Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously,growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter:

  "So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that itwas on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing brokedown and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hopeto Heaven the berth will hold me."

  Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.

  When he returned, the little man was in the upper.

  _As it is_

  Weep and you are called a baby, Laugh and you are called a fool, Yield and you're called a coward, Stand and you're called a mule, Smile and they'll call you silly, Frown and they'll call you gruff, Put on a front like a millionaire, And somebody calls you a bluff.

  A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginningof his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office,"he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my firstclient who might come along when, through the glass of my door I sawa shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then,grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into animaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S.,' Iwas saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to thatcorporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the phone this morningand wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as Iwas too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your casein between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Beingsure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung upthe receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said,'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect yourinstrument.'"

  BOARD OF HEALTH

  Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came acrossthe wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure whereimmigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases areisolated.

  "Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander.

  "Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that,you know."

  "Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, butbejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!"

  BOARDING HOUSES

  The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who hadbeen there for some time, because he could not get away, was standingin the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an olddog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.

  The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earthare you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"

  In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozyand attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star"boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be mywife?"

  "Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years.You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my billpromptly
and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good aboarder to be put on the free list!"

  BOASTING

  The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from theother engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began:

  "This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place,and it's astonishing how it works."

  "And how does it work?" asked one.

  "Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumedlever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circularmovement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk thatrevolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of thedisk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mereimpact may be reduced to any shape."

  "What is this wonderful machine?" was asked.

  "A grindstone," was the reply.

  Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent.

  "You know I never boast," the opponent began.

  "Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added quietly,"No wonder you brag about it."

  They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in Seattle.

  It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a storkand blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on ordinaryfifteen-story shacks.

  A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious enough toexpress surprise.

  "What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked aSeattleite.

  "Those are mile-posts," said the Seattle man.

  A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a groupof men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praisetheir city to the Vermonter, telling him of its wide streets andbeautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and saidthe only thing that would improve their city would be to make it aseaport.

  The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they couldmake it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.

  The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task.

  "The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to lay atwo-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if youfellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaportinside half an hour."

  BOLSHEVISM

  "The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't understandit."

  "Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am beginningto understand, they start a riot and take my mind off the subject."

  There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do well--he candampen the fire under the Melting Pot!

  Bolshevism--A blow-out on the tire of world-politics.

  BOOKS AND READING

  A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the publiclibrary, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who saidthat she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings,and that she should like something just as good.

  The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura JeanLibby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was working and,choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, saying, "Perhaps youwould like this, 'A Kentucky Cardinal.'"

  "No," was the reply, "I don't care for theological works."

  "But," explained the kindly assistant, with needless enthusiasm, "thiscardinal was a bird!"

  "That would not recommend him to me," said the woman, as she movedaway in search of a librarian who should be a better judge ofcharacter as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers.

  Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be delivereddown from generation to generation, as presents to the posterity ofthose that are yet unborn.--_Addison_.

  "Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?"

  "Nope, got one."

  "Indeed! Whose?"

  "The Britannica."

  "Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition."

  "Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the volumes asbuilding blocks a few years."

  A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date storysuch as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne." The assistantselected a story which she thought this type of reader wouldappreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady again appeared withthe book open, and pointing to a quotation on the title page said"I would like this book or any other by Proverbs." The astonishedassistant read the quotation which was, "who can find a virtuouswoman, her price is far above rubies." _Proverbs_ 31:10.

  "How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. "Just as faras the book is dirty, ma'am."

  Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads surprisinglywell for one so young and selects his own books from the children'sroom. The other day, however, his mother complained that lately he hasbecome "lazy" and refuses to read. As we stood talking the little chapran joyfully toward her waving a picture book that had been made atthe branch and said, "No words Mother, no words."

  If this is borrowed by a friend Right welcome shall he be; To read, to study, not to lend But to return to me. Not that imparted knowledge doth Diminish learning's store, But books, I find, if often lent, Return to me no more.

  "Books are keys to wisdom's treasures; Books are gates to lands of pleasure; Books are paths that upward lead; Books are friends, come, let us read."

  When I consider what some books have done for the world, and what theyare doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new courage and faith,soothe pain, give an ideal life to those whose hours are cold andhard, bind together distant ages and foreign lands, create new worldsof beauty, bring down Truth from heaven; I give eternal blessings forthis gift and thank God for books.

  Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye thimsilves inanny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re atin' three squaresa day, an' not ayether sad or very much in love with ye'er lot, butjust lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, ye don't need books," he says.

  "But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, yeneed books."

  1921--"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" FROSH--"Yes, andsay, wouldn't that make a peach of a book?"

  Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. When histurn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss Alcott's Jewbook."

  The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. Alcott?" shequeried.

  "Yes," reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book."

  "Can you remember the title?"

  "No; but it's her Jew book," he insisted.

  "Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to you, andperhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear it read."Patiently she began, "_Little Women, Little Men, Under the Lilacs,Rose in Bloom_--"

  "That's it, that's it!" cried Isaac--"_Rosenbloom_."

  A MAID (handing up two books to a library assistant)--"Will youchange these two books, please, for Mrs. Crawley-Smith?"

  ASSISTANT--"Are there any others you wish for?"

  MAID--"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they are so long asthey have big print and a happy ending."

  _Hard to Find_

  LIBRARIAN--"What kind of book do you want--fictional, historical,philosophical--?"

  PATRON--"Oh, any kind that H.G. Wells hasn't written."

  LIBRARIAN--"We have none!"

  BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING

  William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern Americanletters:

  "The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an ignoranceof his trade which reminds me of a New England clerk.

  "In a New England village I entered the main street department-storeone afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter:

  "'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.'

  "'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, witha naive, brisk smile."

  "You never can tell," said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd thinkthat a little New England village, cho
ck full of church influence andhigher education, would be just the place to sell a book like 'DavidHarum,' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who took a stock up there andcouldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have been stuck for fair if he hadn'thad a brilliant idea and got the town printer to doctor up the titlefor him. As it was, he managed to unload the whole lot and get out oftown before the first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn'tquite what he had led himself to suppose."

  Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a book, youdon't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and glue--you sellhim a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour, and ships at seaby night--there's all heaven and earth in a book."

  PENFIELD--"What do you know about Bestseller's new book?"

  CRABSHAW--"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the reviews ofit."--_Life_.

  MANAGER--"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy around here?"

  BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN--"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on Blindness,' says:'They also serve who only stand and wait.'"

  MANAGER--"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's most famousbook was about a fellow that lost his job and went to hades."

  "What do you think of my library?"

  "I was just looking it over and I notice that you were visited by thesame book agents who landed me."