More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  --_C. Hanson Towne_.

  _See also_ Borrowers.

  FRIENDSHIP

  "Friendship," said Uncle Eben, "don't mean no mo' to some folk dan alicense to borrow money."

  Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals.--_Goldsmith_.

  So long as we love we serve; So long as we are loved by others I would almost say that we are indispensable; And no man is useless while he has a friend.

  He removes the greatest ornament of friendship who takes away from itrespect.--_Cicero_.

  Rejoice, and men will seek you; Grieve, and they turn and go, They want full measure of all your pleasure, But they do not need your woe.

  Be glad, and your friends are many; Be sad, and you lose them all,-- There are none to decline your nectar'd wine, But alone you must drink life's gall.

  --_Ella Wheeler Wilcox_.

  FUTURE

  Youth measures the future with the straight, new ruler of the present;Old Age, by the frayed and patched plumb-line of the past.

  I announce myself unblushingly and with perfect confidence. Nobody hasanything on me.

  Nobody can ever supplant me in the affections and desires of men. I amsupreme mogul of the universe.

  Everybody is working for me. Asking nothing for myself, all men expecteverything of me. I withhold nothing and grant as little as I like.Men may doubt fire and the stars, but not me.

  Nobody ever saw me, yet I am the one reality. Nobody knows anythingabout me. So long as time shall last my secret is safe. Yet I amever on the lips of men. My name is lisped by the toddling infant andchortled by hoary-headed sages.

  I am the one that you will eventually disown.

  I am _tomorrow_.

  _Tomorrow Never Arrives_

  Always lookin' forward to an easy-goin' time, When the world seems movin' careless like a bit of idle rime; A day when there is nothin' that kin make you sigh or fret; Always lookin' forward--but I haven't seen it yet.

  FUTURE LIFE

  Mr. Tarzon Jones was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he wasastounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death.

  He rang up his friend Howard Smith at once. "Halloa, Smith!" he said."Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"

  "Yes," replied Smith. "Where are you speaking from?"

  TEACHER--"And what was Nelson's farewell address?"

  BRIGHT BOY--"Heaven, ma'am."

  At the grave of the departed the old darky pastor stood, hat in hand.Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the funeral oration.

  "Samuel Johnson," he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we hopes youis gone where we 'specks you ain't."

  POST--"A man can die but once."

  PARKER--"Once used to be enough, until these psychic experts gotbusy."

  A French biologist declares that by a freezing process, somewhatsimilar to that used in preserving fish, the span of human life canbe indefinitely extended. By going into cold storage here, we canpostpone a hot time hereafter.

  "Well, Bill," asked a neighbor. "Hear the boss has had a fever? How'shis temperature today?"

  The hired man scratched his head and decided not to commit himself.

  "'Tain't fer me to say," he replied. "He died last night."

  A park orator returning home flushed with his oratorical efforts, andalso from other causes, found a mild curate seated opposite in thetram-car. "It may interest you to know," he said truculently, "that Idon't believe in the existence of a 'eaven." The curate merely nodded,and went on reading his newspaper. "You don't quite realize," said thepark orator, "what I'm trying to make clear. I want you to understandthat I don't believe for a single, solitary moment that such aplace as 'eaven exists." "All right, all right," answered the curatepleasantly, "go to hell, only don't make quite so much fuss about it."

  A Massachusetts Senator was back home, looking after his politicalfences, and was asking the minister about some of his oldacquaintances.

  "How's old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see himagain?"

  "You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "Mr Jones hasgone to heaven."

  "Now, boys," said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday-school class,"our lesson today teaches us that if we are good while here on earth,when we die we will go to a place of everlasting bliss. But suppose weare bad, then what will become of us?"

  "We'll go to a place of everlasting blister," promptly answered thesmall boy at the pedal extremity of the class.

  "I wish, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that youwere St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could letme in."

  "By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better foryou that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let youout."

  FUTURIST ART

  _Futurist Art_

  Which one might worship--if he should wish--without breaking thesecond commandment because truly there is nothing like it "in theheavens above, in the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth."

  A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunaticasylum. To all persons who visit him he says, "Look here; this is thelatest masterpiece of my composition." They look, and see nothing butan expanse of bare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?"

  "That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through the RedSea."

  "Beg pardon, but where is the sea?"

  "It has been driven back."

  "And where are the Jews?"

  "They have crossed over."

  "And the Egyptians?"

  "Will be here soon. That's the sort of painting I like; simple,suggestive, and unpretentious."

  The artist dipped his brush in a bucket of paint and wiped it acrossthe canvas several times horizontally. When he had done this he tookhis labor in hand and carefully placed it in an elaborate frame.

  "What's the idea?" his boon companion inquired.

  "Impressionistic study."

  "Do you mean to tell me that is a finished painting?"

  "Certainly."

  "What are you going to call it?"

  "A village street as seen from the rear seat of a motorcycle."

  GAMBLING

  "Look, mother," said Bobbie, exhibiting a handful of marbles, "I wonall those from Willie Smith."

  "Why, Bobbie!" exclaimed his mother; "don't you know it's wicked toplay marbles for 'keeps'? Go right over to his house and give backevery one."

  "Yes, mother," said the boy obediently; "and shall I take that vaseyou won at Mrs. Jones' whist party, and give it back to her?"

  "It's just as wrong to gamble when you win as when you lose."

  "Yassuh," asserted Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "De immorality is jes' asgreat, but de inconvenience ain't."

  PROFESSOR--"Now I put the number seven on the board. What numberimmediately comes into your mind?"

  CLASS (in unison)--"Eleven!"--_Burr_.

  SAM--"Ah done heard dat dey fine' Columbus's bones."

  EZRA--"Lawd! Ah never knew dat he wuz a gamblin' man."

  GARAGES

  "What do they sell in that last garage besides gasoline, father?"

  "'Besides,' my son? You mean 'instead of.'"--_Life_.

  GARDENING

  "I suppose you are going to raise potatoes in your garden?"

  "I was, but when I read the directions for planting I found that itwould be impossible. They should be planted in hills, and my yard isperfectly level."

  WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE--"If you want a garden this year you hadbetter hire somebody to make it. I'm not going to try it again. I'vefigured it out; and if I would spend on my business the time I put inon that garden I would make enough money to keep us in vegetables forfifty years. I am off it for life."

  WHAT HE SAID TO HIS NEIGHBOR--"I don't think I'll bother with a gardenthis year. It doesn't pay; I may do a little; but the digging and thelabor--I'm off that for life."

  WHAT HE SAID TO HIS
PARTNER--"Well, how's the garden coming along?I'm not doing much with mine this year. What? How high did you say?Already? What seed did you use?"

  WHAT HE SAID TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME AN HOUR EARLY THATDAY--"Call me when dinner's ready. I've got to get the garden startedtoday or I'll never raise a thing."

  GAS

  DISSATISFIED HOUSEHOLDER--"Do you mean to say that this meter measuresthe amount of gas we burn?"

  GAS COLLECTOR--"I will enter into no controversy, sir; but I may saythat the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for."

  GENEROSITY

  SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER--"Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorize today'smotto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"

  JIMMY--"Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always usedthat as his motto in his business."

  TEACHER--"Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?"

  JIMMY--"He's a prize-fighter, ma'am."--_Life_.

  Let us proportion our alms to our ability, lest we provoke God toproportion His blessings to our alms.--_Beveridge_.

  In this world, it is not what we take up, but what we give up, thatmakes us rich.--_Beecher_.

  GENIUS

  WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between genius and talent?"

  PAW--"Talent gets paid every Saturday, my son."

  Time, place, and action, may with pains be wrought, But genius must be born, and never can be taught.

  --_Dryden_.

  Who in the same given time can produce more than many others, hasvigor; who can produce more and better, has talents; who can producewhat none else can, has genius.--_Lavater_.

  And genius hath electric power, Which earth can never tame; Bright suns may scorch, and dark clouds lower-- Its flash is still the same.

  --_Lydia M. Child_.

  Taste consists in the power of judging; genius in the power ofexecuting.--_Blair_.

  GEOGRAPHY

  Edgar, aged five, was driving from the station on his first visit toMaine. His mother, noticing a troubled look on his face as he lookedabout, said:

  "What's the matter, dear? Don't you like the beautiful country?"

  "Yes, mother, but on _my_ map Maine is _red_!"

  FATHER--"Now James, get ready. I'm going to hear your geographylesson. What have the various expeditions to the North Poleaccomplished?"

  JIMMY--"Nothin' 'cept to make the geography lessons harder."

  The geography lesson was about to begin, and the subject of it wasFrance.

  Accordingly, the teacher started off with the question: "Now in thispresent terrible war, who is our principal ally?"

  "France," came the answer from a chorus of voices.

  "Quite right," said the teacher, beaming. "Now can any of you give methe name of a town in France?"

  A small boy at the back of the class almost fell over in his eagernessto tell; "Somewhere," he said, breathlessly.

  GERMANY

  "Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, andso is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."

  The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American FoodBoard.

  "Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'dgrow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for aboutan hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he foundanother quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.

  "'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straighteningup, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay athis feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."

  GERMS

  "You don't seem to pay any attention to these germs."

  "I don't talk about 'em any more than is necessary," answered DocBraney. "I take all possible precautions and then try to ignore 'em.The meanest thing about a germ is that if he can't attack you anywhereelse, he tries to get on your mind."

  Daddy was confined to the house with Spanish influenza, and mother wasbusy sterilizing the dishes which had come from the sick-room.

  "Why do you do that?" asked four-year-old Donald.

  "Because, dear, poor daddy has germs, and the germs get on the dishes,so then I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs."

  Donald turned this over in his little mind for several minutes. Then:

  "Mother, why don't you boil daddy?"

  "She is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilizes or filterseverything in the house."

  "How does she get along with her family?"

  "Oh, even her relations are strained."

  Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedlycautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object thatmight contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said:

  "Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy any more, because hehas germs on him."

  "Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy."

  "Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."--_Life_.

  GIFTS

  When the captain of the fire department was about to resign, his menbanded together and purchased an elaborate, embossed silver horn topresent to him at a meeting in the town hall. The fireman whowas chosen to make the presentation practiced his speech for daysbeforehand. The chief, who had been informed of what was to happen,also practiced his speech of acceptance. They rehearsed together andwere "letter perfect" when they mounted the platform in the town hall.The throng which confronted them had, however, a disastrous effect.Holding the horn at arm's length, the fireman stalked across theplatform and with a ghastly expression on his face, said:

  "Well, Bill, here's your horn!"

  The chief rose slowly to his feet and gasped: "Hell! Is that it?"

  Not what we give, but what we share, For the gift without the giver is bare.

  --_Lowell_.

  He gives twice who gives quickly.--_Syrus_.

  A gallant Tommy, having received from England an anonymous gift ofsocks, entered them at once, for he was about to undertake a heavymarch. He was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and when, amere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the end of a terrible day,he discovered inside the toe of the sock what had once been a piece ofstiff writing-paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in bold,feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: "God bless the wearerof this pair of socks!"--_Punch_.

  We like the gift when we the giver prize.--_Sheffield_.

  _See also_ Christmas gifts.

  INDEX

  ABSENT-MINDEDNESSACCIDENTSACCURACYACTORS AND ACTRESSESADVERTISINGADVICEAFTER DINNER SPEECHESAGEAGRICULTUREALARM CLOCKSALIBIALIMONYALPHABETALTERNATIVESAMBITIONAMERICANSAMUSEMENTSANCESTRYANIMALSANTICIPATIONANTIQUESAPARTMENTSAPPEARANCESAPPETITEAPPLAUSEARITHMETICARMIESART AND ARTISTSASTRONOMYAUTHORSAUTHORSHIPAUTOMOBILE TOURISTSAUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILINGAVIATIONBACHELORSBAGGAGEBALDNESSBANKS AND BANKINGBAPTISMBAPTISTSBARGAINSBASEBALLBATHS AND BATHINGBEAUTY, PERSONALBEGGINGBEQUESTSBETTINGBIBLE INTERPRETATIONBIGAMYBILLSBLUFFINGBOARD OF HEALTHBOARDING HOUSESBOASTINGBOLSHEVISMBOOKS AND READINGBOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLINGBOOMERANGSBOOSTINGBORROWERSBOSTONBOY SCOUTSBOYSBRIDESBROOKLYNBROTHERHOODBURBANKBUSINESSBUSINESS ENTERPRISEBUSINESS ETHICSBUSINESS WOMENCAMPAIGNSCANDIDATESCANDORCAPITAL AND LABORCARD INDEXCARELESSNESSCATALOGINGCAUSE AND EFFECTCAUTIONCHARACTERCHARITYCHEERFULNESSCHICKEN STEALINGCHILD LABORCHILDRENCHOICESCHRISTIAN SCIENTISTSCHRISTMAS GIFTSCHURCHCHURCH ATTENDANCECHURCH DISCIPLINECITIZENSCITY AND COUNTRYCIVICSCIVILIZATIONCLASS DISTINCTIONSCLEANLINESSCLERGYCLOTHINGCLUBSCOALCOFFEECOLLECTING OF ACCOUNTSCOLLECTION BOXCOLLEGE GRADUATESCOLLEGE STUDENTSCOLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIESCOMMITTEECOMMON SENSECOMMUNISMCOMMUTERSCOMPARISONSCOMPENSATIONCOMPETITIONCOMPLIMENTSCONCEITCONDUCTCONFESSIONSCONFIDENCESCONGRESSCONSCIENCECONSCRIPTIONCONSERVATIVESCONSOLATIONCONTENTMENTCONTRIBUTION BOXCONUNDRUMSCOOKERYCOOKSCOOPERATIONCORPULENCECORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLSCOSMOPOLITANISMCOST OF LIVINGCOUNTRY LIFECOURAGECOURTESYCOURTSCOURTSHIPCREDITCRIMECRITICISMCULTURECURESCURIOSITYCURRENT EVENTSCUSTOMDACHSHUNDSDAMAGESDANCINGDAYLIGHT
SAVINGDEAD BEATSDEBTSDEGREESDEMAGOGDEMOCRACYDENTISTSDEPARTMENT STORESDESTINATIONDETECTIVESDETERMINATIONDIAGNOSISDILEMMASDININGDIPLOMACYDISARMAMENTDISCHARGEDISCIPLINEDISCOUNTSDISCRETIONDISPOSITIONDISTANCESDIVORCEDOCTORSDOGSDOMESTIC FINANCEDOMESTIC RELATIONSDREAMSDRINKINGDRUNKARDSDUTCHDYSPEPSIAEATINGECONOMYEDITORSEDUCATIONEFFICIENCYEGOTISMEINSTEINEMBARRASSING SITUATIONSEMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEESENEMIESENGLISH LANGUAGEENGLISHMENENTHUSIASMEPIGRAMSEPITAPHSEQUALITYETIQUETEUROPEAN WAREUROPEAN WAR-POEMSEVIDENCEEXAGGERATIONEXAMINATIONSEXCUSESEXECUTIVE ABILITYEXPENSESEXPERIENCEEXTRAVAGANCEFAILURESFAMEFAMILIESFARMINGFASHIONFATEFATHERSFAULTSFEESFICTIONFIGHTINGFINANCEFISHFISHERMENFISHINGFLATTERYFOODFOOD CONSERVATIONFOOLSFORDSFOREIGNERSFORESIGHTFORGETFULNESSFORTUNE HUNTERSFOUNTAIN PENSFRANKLINFREAKSFREE VERSEFREEDOM OF SPEECHFRENCH LANGUAGEFRIENDSFRIENDSHIPFUTUREFUTURE LIFEFUTURIST ARTGAMBLINGGARAGESGARDENINGGASGENEROSITYGENIUSGEOGRAPHYGERMANYGERMSGIFTSGIRLSGODGOLFGOSSIPGOVERNMENT OWNERSHIPGRATITUDEGUARANTEESHABITHADESHAPPINESSHASHHASTEHEAVENHELLHEREDITYHEROESHIGH COST OF LIVINGHINTINGHISTORYHOMEHOME BREWHOMELINESSHOMESICKHONESTYHORSESHOSPITALITYHOSPITALSHOTEL BIBLESHOTELSHOUSING PROBLEMHUNGERHUNTINGHURRYHUSBANDSHYPOCRISYHYSTERICS"IF"IGNORANCEILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONSIMITATIONIMMIGRANTSIMPUDENCEINCOME TAXINDUSTRYINFANTSINFLUENZAINHERITANCEINITIATIVEINSOMNIAINSTALMENT PLANINSURANCE, FIREINSURANCE, LIFEINTERVIEWSINVESTMENTSIRELANDIRISH BULLSIRISHMENJEWSJOKESJOURNALISMJUDGESJUDGMENTJURYJUSTICEKINDNESSKINGS AND RULERSKISSESKNOWLEDGELABOR AND CAPITALLABOR AND LABORING CLASSESLABOR-SAVING DEVICESLADIESLANGUAGESLAUGHTERLAUNDRYLAWSLAWYERSLAZINESSLEAGUE OF NATIONSLEAP YEARLEFT HANDEDNESSLEGISLATIONLEGISLATORSLEISURELIARSLIBERTY BONDSLIBRARIANSLIBRARIESLIESLIFELISPINGLOGICLONDONLOST AND FOUNDLOVELUCKMAGAZINESMAJORITYMARKSMANSHIPMARRIAGEMASCOTSMATHEMATICSMATRIMONYMEASURING INSTRUMENTSMEDALSMEDICAL ETHICSMEDICINEMEMORYMENMETHODISTSMIDDLEMANMILITARISMMILITARY DISCIPLINEMILKMILLENNIUMMILLINERSMILLIONAIRESMINISTERSMISERSMISTAKEN IDENTITYMISTAKESMONEYMONEY LENDERMORAL EDUCATIONMOSQUITOESMOTHERSMOTHERS' DAYMOTHERS-IN-LAWMOVING PICTURESMULESMUSHROOMSMUSICMUSICIANSNAMES, PERSONALNATIONALITYNATURAL LAWSNEGROESNEIGHBORSNEW JERSEYNEW YORK CITYNEWSBOYSNEWSPAPERS"NO"NOTHINGNURSESOBEDIENCEOBESITYOBITUARIESOCCUPATIONSOCEAN TRAVELOFFICE BOYSOFFICE-SEEKERSOFFICERSOLD AGEOLD CLOTHESOPPORTUNITYOPTIMISMORIGINALITYOSTRICHOUIJA BOARDPARENTSPARROTSPARTNERSHIPPEACEPEDESTRIANSPENMANSHIPPEPPERCENTAGEPERSISTENCEPERSUASIONPESSIMISMPHILADELPHIAPHILANTHROPISTSPHILOSOPHYPHYSICIANS AND SURGEONSPITTSBURGPLEASUREPOETRYPOETSPOLICEPOLITENESSPOLITICAL PARTIESPOLITICIANSPOLITICSPOSTAL SERVICEPOVERTYPRAISEPRAYERSPREACHINGPREJUDICEPREPAREDNESSPRESCRIPTIONSPRETENSIONPRICESPRIDEPRINTERSPRISONSPROFANITYPROFESSIONSPROFITEERSPROGRESSPROHIBITIONPROMOTERSPROMPTNESSPRONUNCIATIONPROPERTYPROPOSALSPROSPERITYPSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTPSYCHOLOGYPUBLIC, THEPUBLIC SCHOOLSPUBLIC SPEAKERSPUBLISHERSPUNCTUALITYPUNCTUATIONPUNISHMENTPUNSPURGATORYQUAKERSQUESTIONSRADICALSRAILROADSREADINGREAL ESTATEREAL ESTATE AGENTSREALISMRECOMMENDATIONSRECRUITINGRED TAPEREGRETSRELATIVESRELIGIONSREMEDIESREMINDERSREPARTEEREPORTINGREPUTATIONREST CURERESTAURANTSRETALIATIONROADSROOSEVELT, THEODORERUINSRUMMAGE SALESSACRIFICESSAFETYSALARIESSALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIPSALVATIONSAVINGSCANDALSCHOLARSHIPSCHOOLSSCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENTSCOTCH, THESEASICKNESSSECRETSSELF-MADE MENSENATESENATORSSENSE OF HUMORSENTRIESSERMONSSERVANTSSERVICESERVICE STARSHOPPINGSIGHT SEEINGSIGNSSILENCESIMPLIFIED SPELLINGSINSINGERSSKEPTICSSLANGSMILESSMOKINGSNOBBERYSOCIALISTSSOCIETYSOCIOLOGYSOLDIERSSOUNDSOUVENIRSSPECULATIONSPEEDSPELLINGSPINSTERSSTAMMERINGSTAMPSSTATISTICSSTENOGRAPHERSSTOCK EXCHANGESTRATEGYSTREET-CARSSTRIKESSUBSTITUTESSUBURBSSUBWAYSSUCCESSSUITORSSUMMER RESORTSSUNDAYSUNDAY SCHOOLSSUPERSTITIONSURPRISESYMPATHYSYNONYMSTACTTALKERSTARDINESSTAXTEACHERSTEACHINGTEARSTELEGRAPHTELEPHONETEMPERTEMPERANCETEMPTATIONTEN COMMANDMENTSTHEATERTHERMOMETERTHIEVESTHRIFTTIDESTIMETIPSTOURISTSTRADETRADE MARKSTRADE UNIONSTRAMPSTRAVELERSTREESTRENCHESTROUBLETRUTHUMBRELLASUNEXPECTEDUNITED STATESVACATIONSVALUEVANITYVEGETARIANSVENTILATIONVOICEVOTINGWAGESWARWEALTHWEATHERWEDDINGSWELSHWESTMINSTER ABBEYWHISKYWIDOWSWINDOWSWISDOMWISHESWITNESSESWIVESWOMANWOMAN SUFFRAGEWOMAN'S RIGHTSWORKWORRYYOUTHZONES