Caleb’s Salvation

by Doyle, S

  “Don’t,” I said with my hand up. “Don’t say anything about her I don’t want to hear.”

  “She’s a fornicator!” he spat over my protest.

  I thought of her on my desk, naked, her arms behind her, taking my cock joyfully. That act had nothing to do with fornication and everything to do with giving, caring and love.

  “Sam’s ten months old, got some teeth and light blond hair. Doesn’t fuss much at all for a kid his age and eats Cheerios like the world was made of them. She’s thriving. I think it’s because she loves him so much it fuels everything inside of her. She lives in a good place with good people who care about her. I just wanted you to know that.”

  I turned my back to him, expecting either silence or more slurs.

  Instead, I heard the catch of his breath then another. And I knew he was sobbing as quietly as he could.

  No, she couldn’t come back here, but I knew, in that moment, he loved her. As much as an unforgiving man like him could.

  Is that why I’d come? To see if it was even possible for her to go home?

  I got into the car and started the engine. I made a U-turn then got on the narrow road that would take me to the highway. I couldn’t say for sure why I’d come. I only knew I was done here. I’d seen what I needed to see.

  Now, it was time to figure out what the future held. Some new place. Some new job. Something away from people so I wouldn’t see a woman walking along a sidewalk with a baby on her hip and be reminded of everything I’d lost.

  Only as soon as I had that thought, I realized I wasn’t thinking about Sarah and Emily as the family I’d lost.

  It was Vivienne and Sam who were missing. The ones who were causing me pain.

  I pulled the car over to the side of the empty road and let the pain rip through me. This heartsick agony that sucked all the air from my lungs. I pressed the button to roll down the window and tried to suck in some much-needed air. Dry, warm air that did nothing to ease the pressure of what I was feeling.

  This I remembered. This was the pain that haunted me for months, years after their funerals. This was the ache I’d just accepted was part of my life until it dulled enough that I’d managed to hold onto my sanity.

  This was grief. This was loss. My two closest companions for so long. It was a reunion I never wanted to have.

  Opening the car door, I pushed myself out. I had to escape them. I paced around the car struggling for deep breaths, wondering what I’d done in this life to have to suffer like this again.

  Was this my punishment? For dropping my guard, for letting Vivienne inside? For being unfaithful to Sarah and breaking my promises.

  I braced my hands on the hood of the car and looked up at the expansive blue, cloudless sky searching for some kind of answer.

  You’re doing this to yourself.

  I stilled then, letting that truth wind its way through my consciousness.

  No, that wasn’t right. I was the victim. I was the one suffering.

  I was the one who had lost everything!

  You were the one who walked away.

  Because that’s when it occurred to me. On the side of the road, on some empty highway in the Panhandle of Texas. All the grief and loss I was feeling as if it were seven years ago and I’d just buried Sarah and Emily.

  There was one colossal difference in this story.

  Vivienne and Sam aren’t dead.

  This time I was the one to sob. I fell to my knees as I was wracked by an emotion I couldn’t control. Grateful I was fucking alone so that no one could see how destroyed I was.

  I closed my eyes and it was like I could feel it. Vivienne’s hand somewhere on my back, rubbing circles. Telling me it was going to be okay, making me believe it.

  She’d said once I was her salvation when the opposite was true.

  This whole time she’d been mine and I just wouldn’t let myself see it.

  I got up off the dirt, rubbed my eyes with my sleeve and got in the fucking tin-can car again.

  Now, I thought. Now, I know where I’m fucking going.

  * * *

  Vivienne

  I watched as Doogie brought the plane down. Smooth and effortless as it touched down on the runway. I glanced over my shoulder and could see through the windshield of the truck that Sam was still asleep in his car seat.

  Eli had gotten a call a few days ago and he’d come to the cabin to share the news. And a message for me.

  Meet me on the runway on Tuesday around 3:00. Bring Sam.

  Caleb.

  My heart leaped in my throat as I watched the door to the plane open. I thought about how I’d felt so many months ago, sitting inside that plane, wondering what waited for me outside of it.

  I’d been trembling like a leaf until I saw two men standing on the edge of the runway, waiting for me. Knowing one of those men was Caleb. Knowing that I’d finally found the person who was going to save me.

  Only he hadn’t done that. He’d given me the least he could, which was just a hand up. And all that I needed.

  Standing here now, I was proud as punch that I’d only needed that hand before I was talking care of myself and Sam on my own.

  I didn’t need him, as I watched him hitch his duffel bag over his shoulder and make the walk toward me.

  I could go anywhere, I thought. I could take Sam, and if we needed to, we could start again someplace else. I would find us a place with the savings I now had tucked away. Would manage to find a job, while I put him in daycare. Make sure I made an effort to find friends along the way. For me, for him. Because they were important when you were trying to raise a child on your own.

  Not because you were a charity case, either. Simply because friends were there for each other. They could help you when you were down, encourage you when you needed it and, in turn, you could be there for them, too.

  Knowing I could do that, that my life was under my control in a way I’d never known before, that was power.

  Wanting to stay here in Hope’s Point because I liked it here and not just because I didn’t have any other options, that was power, too.

  It’s why I could stand still at the edge of the runway, my arms crossed over my chest not moving, as he got closer. Doogie was already getting in the plane, ready to make another trip to Nome. Picking up Kate who, I knew, was spending the upcoming week with Jackson. We all had another girls’ poker night planned for this Thursday.

  Yes, I stood and watched as Caleb made his way back to me.

  All of that was power. And I felt drunk on it.

  He stopped a foot away and dropped his bag at his feet.

  “Sam?” he asked, his voice gruff.

  I nodded over my shoulder and I saw him look around me to see Sam sleeping in the truck.

  “Why are you back, Caleb?”

  “Why do you think?” he asked me, looking at me like I was food and he was hungry. Like I was water and he was thirsty. I like I was pain relief and he was in agony.

  I shook my head slowly. “No good. I’m going to need the words.”

  “I fucked up,” he admitted.

  “That’s a start,” I said not giving him any wiggle room. He’d left me. Walked away time and time again when all I’d given him was…myself. Not because I thought I had to, but because I’d wanted to. That, too, was power.

  He looked away. “I thought I wasn’t allowed to have a second chance. Thought I didn’t deserve it.”

  I swallowed and resisted the urge to comfort him. Because this time it wasn’t about him. It was about me and Sam and what we wanted. What we deserved.

  “And now?” I prompted.

  He looked at me then, into my eyes, into my chest, right through all of me. “Now, I don’t know if I deserve it or not, but I don’t care. I’m taking it.”

  “Taking it?” I said, my eyebrows slightly raised.

  He stepped closer so that he was in my space. “You and Sam. If you’ll have me. I want you both to be mine.”

  “You left
us,” I charged.

  He nodded, solemnly. “I did.”

  “How can I trust you won’t do it again?”

  “Because a man who realizes what a gift a second chance is, he doesn’t throw that away. Ever. As long as I breathe on this earth, Vivienne, you’re a part of me. There’s no running from that. No matter how far I went.”

  My heart was pounding, and I could feel tears threatening but there was too much at stake to let something as silly as feelings overcome me now. “And Sam?”

  “Needs a father. I was a good one, once upon a time.”

  The breath rushed out of my lungs so fast I thought I might faint, except Caleb’s arms were around me holding me to him instead.

  “I’m sorry, Vivienne. So sorry. You deserve so much more than me, but I can’t…I won’t let you go.”

  I squeezed him with all my strength, letting him know that I also wasn’t letting him go. Pushing back from him, I wiped the tears from my eyes as I tried to deal with this new reality.

  “A lot of people have left me.” I sniffed. “No one’s ever come back for me, though.”

  He pulled away. “I’m so sorry. Sorry that I took you for granted. Sorry that I made you think for a second you weren’t the most amazing and bravest woman I’d ever met. I had to come back. I had to because I couldn’t stay away. Not from you.”

  “Darn right,” I said with watery smile and a lot of bravado.

  He came back for me. He came back for me.

  “Let me take you to Bud’s and buy dinner. We can talk some more. I can tell you where I’ve been.”

  He picked up his duffel, dropped an arm over my shoulder and steered me toward the truck. “Do I want to know?”

  “I think. Some of it.”

  He pushed me in the direction of the passenger side, and I didn’t protest too much. He seemed too ridiculously pleased to be behind the steering wheel, muttering something about tin cans.

  “You know, Caleb, this isn’t going to be easy for you. You’ve got a lot of making up to do for breaking my heart like you did.”

  “Did I?” he asked. “Break it?”

  Wounded it for sure. But maybe not totally broken. Maybe because somewhere deep inside I knew…I just knew he’d come back. For me.

  “That’s for me to know and you to work on fixing,” I said with some sense of that power I felt through every fiber of my being.

  He looked over his shoulder at Sam who was still blissfully unaware of the drama happening in front of him. Sam was going to be thrilled to wake up to find Caleb with us. I was sure of it.

  “I’ll get right on that,” he said as he started the truck. “First dinner, then I figure I’m going to have to go down on you a bunch of times.”

  “A bunch!” I insisted, like the idea still didn’t make me blush beet red.

  “How many orgasms you figure it will take before I’m out of the dog house?”

  I shrugged. “Twelve,” I said, throwing out a random number.

  His lips twitched and it wasn’t long before that twitch turned into a full-on smile. “That’s a lot.”

  I held up my hands. “You know how demanding I am.”

  He leaned over and gave me a kiss. “Okay, dinner, then twelve orgasms. I hope Bud made a lot of food because I’m going need it.”

  I reached my hand over to his side of the truck and rubbed the back of his neck with my fingers. “You’ll see, baby. It’s going to be okay, and you’re going to be all right. I promise.”

  He smiled at me and I think he knew I wasn’t just talking about orgasms.

  Then his hand reached over and cupped my face, so gently. “And you’re going to be okay too, babe. I give you my promise.”

  And it was a promise I felt all the way to my toes.

  Epilogue

  Bud’s

  Three months later

  Cal

  “To Angel for getting us into this mess,” I toasted.

  We were all sitting around a table at Bud’s. Just like old times. Angel, Daniels, Ark and me. Except it was nothing like it’d been a little more than a year ago.

  “Come on!” Eli objected. “You have to admit this was the best fucking idea ever.”

  “Maybe,” I conceded. Definitely. “To Angel and the best fucking idea ever.”

  “To Angel,” they all agreed.

  We knocked our beers together and took satisfied mouthfuls.

  “I can’t fucking believe you’re getting married tomorrow,” I said. “I can’t fucking believe any of this happened.”

  “Believe it,” Ark said. “Did you see size of Olivia’s belly? I swear to God she’s only four months pregnant. The doctor keeps insisting it’s not twins, but I’m not buying it. There has to be two in there.”

  “Or one with your big-ass head,” Angel noted.

  That made Daniels laugh, which was something that happened on a regular occasion these days.

  “You’ll see,” Ark snarled, “when it’s your turn and you’re staring down fatherhood like the end of a shotgun, knowing it’s coming and you’re nowhere near as ready as you need to be.”

  “Hey, not true.” Angel countered. “I’ve been practicing on Zeke Jr. and Sam. I’ll be ready.”

  I snorted at that. There was no practice. There was only the real thing and it was scary, daunting and awesome. I knew it because I lived it every day.

  “Missed you, though, Ark,” Angel said with a pat on the man’s shoulder. “Glad you could make it.”

  “Wouldn’t have missed it. Only it would have been helpful if you and Shelby and Daniels and Kate could have arranged for a double ceremony.”

  “Kate and I don’t want as much fuss as Angel and Shelby are having,” Jackson said. “We’ll do things in our time.”

  “Fuss?” Angel countered. “It’s Hope’s Point. Zeke and Eve are putting on the whole thing for, like, a couple hundred dollars.”

  Obviously, Angel didn’t know about the exotic flowers Eve was having flown in from the Lower 48. Vivienne had told me all about Eve’s new level of crazy in making this wedding perfect. Including some apparently shady dealings with people from Colombia, South America, to get just the right shade of orchid.

  The locals, most everyone from the camp who wasn’t required to hold down a shift, and Eli’s mom would be there. The weather was forecasted to be beautiful and I had no doubt it would be an amazing day.

  “Who would have believed it?” Angel said, shaking his head. “Such a stupid idea and it led to all this.”

  All this. It seemed like a such a simple statement, but it held so much meaning. All this was Shelby and Eli getting married tomorrow. All this was Jackson and Kate deciding how long they wanted to stay engaged. All this was Ark and Olivia who were going to have a baby in a few months.

  All this was my wife and son, tucked in a room together at Zeke and Eve’s place because Vivienne and the rest of the women wanted to be with Shelby as she got ready for her special day.

  “You ready for another ceremony?” I asked Daniels.

  He grunted.

  We’d decided it made sense for him to get his minister’s license so he could do the honors. We all agreed that Daniels guaranteed the fastest wedding ceremony possible.

  Mine and Vivienne’s vows had gone like this.

  “Do you, Cal?”

  Me: “Yeah.”

  “Do you, Vivienne?”

  Her: “Yes.”

  “And you, Sam?”

  Him: “Yababyabaya”

  “Cool. You guys are married.”

  I smiled remembering it. Remembering how she’d held Sam while it happened and together, they became mine. Mine to take care of, mine to watch over, but most of all, mine to love.

  I’d been lucky once. I was even luckier now. Because having lost so much, I appreciated what I now had that much more. So Vivienne and Sam knew every day how I felt about them.

  The door to Bud’s opened then and all our heads turned in the direction. I smiled as we saw t
he women burst inside. Shelby was holding up a bottle of champagne and wearing a white sash that declared her as The Bride.

  “Hey y’all. We were having my bachelorette party, and I said to the ladies, ladies, wouldn’t my bachelorette party be so much more fun if we could party with a bunch of hot guys?”

  “And I said, amen, sister!” Kate called out.

  “So we were thinking where could we find the hottest men in in Alaska,” Shelby continued. “And we decided that was Bud’s!”

  “Bud’s!” Kate shouted.

  “Bud’s!” Vivienne repeated with her arms in the air where I could see she was also holding a bottle of champagne.

  Olivia came in behind them and walked over to the table, clearly disgruntled. She plopped on Ark’s lap with heavy thud.

  “What’s the matter, Liv?” he said, rubbing her back.

  “They’re all drunk and I don’t get to be. I want the next wedding to be after I’ve had the baby.”

  “I’ll let Jackson know.”

  I stood and made my way to where the three other women were heading to the bar. I caught Vivienne’s hand and she took a few stumbling steps toward me. This was probably not good.

  “Where’s Sam?”

  “With Zeke Jr. practicing his defense maneuvers. Eve didn’t want to come with us because she says she’s got too much stuff to do for the wedding. You should see the house, Caleb. It’s sooooo prreeettttyyyyy.”

  I brushed her cheek, wondering if that red flush was going to come off like blush. It wasn’t.

  “You wishing we did something a little bigger now?”

  She shook her head slowly. “Un-unh. I just wanted us to be family as soon as we could be. And that’s what we are now.”

  Yes. That’s what we were now. Her, me and Sam. My second chance. My salvation.

  “Lay off the booze for the rest of the night or you’ll be hurting tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Hey, psst. I love you.”

  I cupped her face in my hands and dropped a kiss on her champagne-tasting lips. “I love you more.”

  “Not possible. Now, I have to warn you, Shelby’s got this idea in her head...”