The Holy Land: Fanatical Earthling planet assassins are spreading chaos through the galaxy. Is there any nice way to stop them?

by Robert Zubrin

  Before Himla Petana could answer, Vardt interrupted. “Countess Commissioner, I object. The Minervan has just referred to my people as ‘Earthlings.’ I demand that you instruct her to stop doing so, and to apol- ogize immediately.”

  Nendra was puzzled. “Why do you object to being called ‘Earthlings.’ You are Earthlings. That is a fact.”

  “The term ‘Earthling’ has a demeaning connotation,” Vardt explained. “It suggests negative stereotypes of irrational fanatics and planet assassins. I refuse to negotiate with someone who insists on insulting my people in thisway.”

  “Would you prefer to be called ‘Americans’ or ‘Christians?’”

  “No. Those have the same negative stereotypes associated with them.”

  “Then what would you like to be called?” Nendra asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Vardt said. “It’s pretty clear that whatever name we choose, it will be ruined for us by the Minervan-controlled galactic media.”

  “Perhaps we should move on to the other points in the peace plan,” Junea said helpfully.

  “Yes,” Himla Petana said. “Since we have fundamental agreement on the most important point, I suggest that the Minervans yield on the rest and we conclude the dealimmediately.”

  “No,” said Nendra. “We cannot agree.”

  Junea said, “Your Eminence, you and I talked. You said you would agree to a 50/50 split of all disputed territory with the Kennewickians.”

  “Yes,” Nendra admitted. “I agreed to point number one. But I did not agree to points two through six.”

  “I don’t understand,” Junea said.“Points two through six simply represent an equitable and peaceful means of implementing point number one.”

  “No,” Nendra said. “They are insane.”

  Junea smiled. “I concede there may be insane elements in the plan, but as we discussed in our previous conversation, that is a requirement in this instance in order to reach agreement with the other party. But let us consider this as reasonable women. What exactly are your problems with points two through six?”

  Nendra gestured at the draft. “Well, if we are to split the territory, we need to have defensible boundaries. Points two and three mix up the

  domains so thoroughly that there will always be Earthlings…” “There she goes again!” Vardt said.

  Nendra ignored him. “who are within effective range of our people

  with their projectile weapons. We won’t be safe anywhere.” Junea nodded. “Yes, I can see how you might find that inconvenient.

  But we felt it was necessary in order to insure that each side received

  equal amounts of land of every quality within the territory. I’m sure you

  will agree that the homogenous distribution enabled by the odd-even

  patchwork split in the proposed plan assures the fairest possible division.

  So, do you have any problems with the remaining points, or are we

  done?”

  “Yes, I have plenty of problems with it,” Nendra said. “Point four

  places all responsibility for law enforcement within the Earthling territory on Aaron Vardt’s own men….”

  “I beg your pardon,” Vardt said. “I am to be referred to as the

  Supreme PIGME.”

  “He’s right,” Himla Petana said. “It is a violation of diplomatic protocol to not refer to a negotiator by her, or in this case, his, proper official

  title. I’ll have to censure you for that, YourEminence.”

  “In that case, please refer to me as ‘Your Divine Eminence,’” Nendra

  said. “I am a First Class Priestess, you know,not Second.”

  “Don’t get huffy with me,” Himla Petana said, “you ugly little owl

  worshipper.”

  Nendra glared at Himla Petana, who returned the look.

  Junea interrupted.“Ladies, please. This is a peace conference. We are

  trying to end a war, not start another one. If you would be good enough

  to continue, DivineEminence.”

  Nendra gathered herself. “Thank you. As I was saying, point four

  gives responsibility for law enforcement within the Earthling zone to the

  assassins themselves. That makes no sense.”

  “It may make no sense to you,” Himla Petana said. “But it makes

  sense to us. An independent state for the Kennewickians requires honoring the basic UL principle of selfdetermination of savages.” “Excuse me?” Aaron Vardt said. “Savages?”

  The women ignored him. Junea said, “That takes care of point four.

  Do you have any objections to points five and six?”

  “Certainly,” Nendra said. “Point five would prevent us from taking

  any action against the Earthling childassassins.”

  “It also stops the Earthlings from inflicting any injury on Minervan

  children who are attempting to assassinate them,” Junea pointed out. “There are no Minervan children engaged in such activity,” Nendra

  said.

  “That may be,” Junea answered, “but you must admit that the clause is entirely fair and symmetrical in its equal application to both parties.”

  “Indeed,” Himla Petana said. “I have to add that I am horrified by your objection to this clause. The Minervan brutality in mutilating Kennewickian children is a shameful affront to the conscience of the entire galaxy. That you should demand the right to continue this activity, simply because the Earthlings do not engage in it, is an absolutedisgrace. You must agree to point number five, and that is final.”

  “I find your deep concern over Earthling child-assassins rather odd,” Nendra said to the UL Peace Commissioner,“given your own role in murdering millions of innocent Minervan children on over a thousand planets.”

  Himla Petana glared. “That comment was uncalled for. Those actions took place over fifteen years ago in a time that was very difficult for all of us. It is quite rude of you to bring them up in this context.”

  “Quite right. Let’s please try to avoid personal attacks,” Junea said. “Anything else?”

  “Yes,” Nendra answered.“Point six is absolutely intolerable. It would insure our extermination, and is not what we agreed to at all. You said that we would continue to be given eighth class weaponry, while the Earthlings would be limited to tenth class equipment. This represents a direct violation of ouragreement.”

  Junea appeared shocked. “Give me that,” she said, pointing to the osmopropylene draft.

  Nendra passed the document to the Weegee ambassador, who examined it closely. Then she turned to Himla Petana.

  “She’s right,” Junea said. “Point six has been altered. Countess Commissioner, what is the meaning of this? Point six was supposed to read tenth class arms for the Earthlings, eighth Class for the Minervans, not ninth class for each. On what basis did you make this alteration?”

  “Well, as the representative of the Universal League in the peace process, I felt it was important to assure qualitative military equality between the two sides,” the Countess said.

  “However, as the representative of Princess Minaphera in this District, I do not. The Minervans must be given qualitative military superiority.”

  Vardt was very upset by this comment. “But I thought you told me that the peace plan would give us a chance to wipe out the Minervans. How does giving them better weapons than us fit in with that?”

  “It doesn’t, per se,” Junea explained. “But many of the other points do. In any case, what I told you was that the peace plan would give you

  a chance to defeat the Minervans, I didn’ t say it would offer you a certainty. Indeed, that would be counterproductive. If the Minervans believed that the peace plan assured their annihilation, they would never agree to it, no matter how much pressure we applied. Given the Earthling superiority in numbers, some Minervan advantage in quality of arms is required if they are to believe they have any chance for survival at all. If a
diplomatic solution is to be reached, they must believe that, just as you must believe that the plan gives you a reasonable chance to exterminate them. In my view, giving them eighth class weapons as compared to your tenth class provides just the right dynamic balance and lack of clarity needed to bring everyone together in a peace plan we all can support.”

  “Ambassador,” Himla Petana said. “I object to the wild favoritism you are showing to the Minervans in this negotiation. As Universal League Peace Commissioner, I insist on maintaining the clause as written, with ninth-class arms for each party, thereby assuring qualitative equality.”

  Junea looked irritated. “Countess, it’s getting late. I know what I’m doing here, and you don’t. So please stop giving me a hard time and just change the document back to what I toldyou to write in the first place.” Himla Petana’s eyes flashed dark in anger.“Ambassador, may I remind

  you that you are a commoner who is talking to a Countess? So I suggest you mind your manners.” Junea smiled. “Countess, may I remind you that you are a noblewoman who is talking to a commoner who has at her disposal a fleet of 1,000 battleships, a detachment of which is above our heads even as we speak? So I suggest you do what I tell you.”

  Himla Petana looked up at the ceiling and gulped. Then she said, “My apologies, Madame Ambassador. I see your point.” She took out her scribing wand and with a series of swift motions changed the writing on the draft.

  Junea said, “Thank you, Countess. So if there are no more questions, let’s all sign the treaty and celebrate the coming of peace.”

  Aurora sat in her cell, reclining on the raised wooden platform that served as the bed. From the angle and color of the ruddy sunlight which entered the cell block from a small barred window at the far end of the row of cages she estimated that it was approaching evening.

  There was a sound of a door opening and closing, and Field Marshall MacArthur entered the cell block outer walkway, followed by General Patton and General Pershing and another Earthling who Aurora recognized as Aaron Vardt. She gazed at the notorious assassin leader with interest.

  The Generals stopped walking and drew themselves up in the Earthling military pose known as “attention.” Field Marshall MacArthur spoke. “The prisoner will stand and kneel before the Supreme PIGME of the Imperial Grand Magnificent Empire of Kennewick.”

  Aurora did nothing.

  The Field Marshall glared at her. “I said stand and kneel before the SPIGME of the IGMEK.”

  “I don’t see how I can both stand and kneel,” Aurora said coolly. “First you stand, then you kneel,” the Field Marshall explained.

  “Now do it!”

  “Why?”

  “Because I said so!”

  “Insufficient reason.”

  Field Marshall MacArthur appeared flustered. He turned to Vardt.

  “Supreme PIGME. Allow me to have the prisoner raped, mutilated, tor- tured, and murdered. That will teach her not to show such disrespect.” Vardt appeared calm. “Please relax, Field Marshall. We are a civilized empire, a member of the Universal League. We don’t do that sort of thing.”

  “We don’t?” the Field Marshall asked, looking disappointed. “No,” said Vardt. “As Christians, we never abuse our prisoners.” Aurora was intrigued. “So then, what are you doing to Urania?” Vardt shook his head. “There you go again, tarring us all with the

  same brush. The IGMEK has nothing to do with those people. They are fanatics, albeit well-meaning ones. We are reasonable people, and do not engage in such grotesque tactics.”

  “But you are willing to send thousands of children on suicide mis - sions to be killed or mutilated.”

  “Of course. That activity is a legitimate part of the nationalliberation struggle.”

  Aurora could not followVardt’s logic, or detect it for that matter. She decided to focus on his statement of greatest immediate interest. “So, if you are not going to abuse me, what are you going to do?”

  “You will be kept in pristine condition and then burned at the stake as part of the entertainment at my officialcoronation.”

  Aurora nodded. She had studied Christian religious rituals and

  expected no less. However there was one detail about the proposed pro - cedure which disappointed her.“You are not going to try me for witchcraft first? I believe I have a right to a trial.” The point was worth push- ing. Not that there was any chance of adjusting the predetermined verdict, but a witchcraft trial pitting her against these buffoons would have been fun.

  “Certainly, YourEminence,” Vardt said. “You certainly do. In fact, as I understand it, it’s already been done. Isn’t that right, Field Marshall?”

  Field Marshall MacArthur pulled a piece of tree-flesh out of his smelly green jacket. “Yes, Supreme PIGME. We took care of it this afternoon. We have the paperwork right here.”

  Vardt smiled. “Good, so we’re ready to roll.”

  Aurora said, “So when will this happy event actually occur?”

  “Next Sunday,” Vardt replied.“One day after the treaty with the Minervans ceding half of Kennewick back to us goes into effect.”

  Aurora was shocked. She had known that an agreement in principle to allow the formation of a Kennewickian state had been reached, but she hadn’t expected things to move this fast. She could tell by the grinning expression on the assassin leader’s face that the treaty had to be a total disaster for the Minervans. Still, perhaps there were things she could do to puncture his bubble.

  “You seem rather happy with the way things aredeveloping,” Aurora said.

  “You bet I am,” Vardtreplied. “As soon as the treaty goes into force, we will wipe out the Minervans and then I will be Supreme PIGME of the entire IGMEK, stretching from the city line on the west side of town, all the way over to the city line on the east side oftown.”

  “Today we rule Kennewick, tomorrow the universe,” the Generals and Field Marshall chanted in unison.

  “Why do you wish to be the SPIGME of theIGMEK?”Aurora asked. Vardtappeared puzzled by the question. “Why? Well because as SPIGME of the IGMEK I’ll be famous. I’ll be able to reward my friends and punish my enemies.I’ll be able to take whatever I want, and kill whoever Iwant. It’ll be great.”

  “And how long do you expect these privileges to last?” Aurora inquired.

  Once again Vardt seemed baffled. “Why for life. I’m going to be SPIGME of the IGMEK for life. It is a permanent position.”

  “Really?” Aurora said. “Do you really believe that the President of the United States will allow you to remain ruler of Kennewick?”

  Vardt did a double take. “The President? What does the President have to do with this? I don’t need to listen to him. I’m a much more important man than he is. Why, do you know that I have been invited to be a guest on the Kolta Bruna show?”

  “Perhaps,” Aurora said. “But his army is bigger than yours.”

  “Not so,” Field Marshall MacArthur interjected. “We have more Generals and more Admirals than he does, and nearly twice as many divisions.”

  “Yes,” Aurora said. “But my understanding is that his divisions are significantly larger than yours.”

  Vardt shook his head. “This discussion of comparative military strengths is irrelevant. The President is a Christian man, and all Christians are allies. Christians always help each other. We never harm each other.” “Those statements do not correspond to my observations,” Aurora said.

  “Well perhaps not, “ Vardt huffed. “But as a pagan you cannot be expected to understand Christianity, now can you? In any case, we have been doing God’s work, ridding Kennewick of pagans, and the President has supported our activity one hundred percent.”

  “Yes, but once we are gone, what further use will he have for you?”

  Vardt stared at her. “The President is a Christian man, and will stand by his loyal Christian friends.”

  “Like he stood by the Peruvians? Like he is standing by the Mexicans? Like he stood by Lisa White
?”

  Vardt drew himself up in a dignified pose. “Lisa White was a traitor to Christians everywhere. She went in secret to the Weegee fleet and betrayed the positions of the Peruvian freedom fighters.”

  “No,” Aurora said. “I was there when she appeared before the Princess. She did so as the official representative of the United States government, with the full approval and backing of the President of the United States. The images of the Peruvian assassin camps she gave to the Weegees were obtained by US military aircraft, acting under the President’s orders. The President used her to deflect the anger of the Weegees from the US to Peru, and then placed the blame for the betrayal onher.”

  “That is the most preposterous thing I ever heard,” Vardt sputtered. “In any case, Lisa White was not killed by official representatives of the US government, but by theology students who were acting entirely on their own.”

  “I understand that there are theology students here in Kennewick as well,” Aurora said dryly.

  “Yes, well we’ll see about them.” Vardt turned to his officers. “Come gentlemen. We have some work to do.”

  The three men strode out of the cell block.

  Chapter 36

  Sunday .

  Gunfire rattled through every corner of New Minervapolis. Everywhere, different factions of Earthlings were firing on the Minervans and on each other.

  Leading a small group of militiamen and junior priestesses, Colonel Iskander made a dash across the main square leading to the holy Temple of Minerva. Earthling bullets ricocheted off their tunics, pummeling them like fists. Iskander activated his disarmer, but the Earthlings had tenth class disarmer jammers, which delayed the disarmer’s helibolt tar- geting system for several seconds. It was too long. Taking advantage of the extra time afforded them before their projectile weapons exploded, and the slow speed of their targets whose skates were jammed, the Earthlings scored two hits. A priestess and a militiaman went down, each shot in the head.

  Then a high-velocity projectile ripped right through the robe of another of the priestesses, wounding her badly.“Change shielding fre- quency!” Iskander shouted. The Earthling’s shield descramblers were obsolete, but sometimes they were fast enough to make the Minervan protective clothing penetrable. They had even been able to open transient gaps in the helidome covering the city and send several artillery rounds through. Fortunately most of the shells had fallen on their own people, but one had hit Minervans, and the carnage had been horrific.