A VERY BOSSY CHRISTMAS

by Loring, Kayley

  I put another dish in the dishwasher and then retrieve one of the sixteen-ounce tubs of Cool Whip from the fridge for my Aunt Mel. She has been complaining about the price of everything from gas to self-tanning spray ever since I got here. One thing she never complains about, though? Christmas decorations from Michaels. Nearly every inch of her house is covered with them. But her Staten Island accent is so cute, Bex and I like to provoke her so she’ll keep ranting. “I know, I paid seven dollars for a cup of black coffee at a place on Madison Avenue last month.”

  “Oh my gawd. Do not even get me started on the price of cawffee at those places. Had it up to here with Manhattan ever since Giuliani—I’m done. I been carryin’ a thermos of cawffee with me everywhere since the nineties, you know this. No shame in it. And what are you even doin’ payin’ so much for one cup of black cawffee—serves you right, hon. You don’t wanna carry around a thermos like me, you buy it from a street vendor. A bodega, even. Who are you—a Kardashian? No. Save your money. Okay. I’m takin’ this out to the table with the rest of the desserts—it’s help yourself, arright? Nothin’ fancy around here, just eat it if you want it. You know how it goes.” She smooths a three-inch layer of whipped topping onto a store-bought pumpkin pie. Nonna Cannavale would shit herself, but I cannot wait to sink my teeth into that thing.

  I also can’t wait to sink my teeth into Declan Cannavale’s butt cheek again. I wanted it, so I took a bite of it. I have never even considered putting my mouth on someone’s butt cheek before in my life, but I couldn’t stop myself, and I have zero regrets. Piper was right. It’s a perfect man butt. I don’t know how I’ll ever get enough of that man’s body in the next week, but by golly, I’m going to feast on him so hard, it will make last night’s dinner look like a Weight Watchers snack.

  “Oh my God, just call him and invite him over, why don’t you?” I didn’t even realize my sister had entered the kitchen or that my aunt had left it. “I know that expression on your face. You’re having sex thoughts.” She hands me a plate of pumpkin pie and a fork and coughs into her hand, “Maclan!”

  “Shhh! Thank you.” We both lean against the counter and start shoveling pie into our mouths. “What am I gonna do—have sex with him in the garage while Mom and Dad are watching It’s a Wonderful Life up here?”

  “Hey, you know what they say—YONO!” She waves her fork around in the air.

  I laugh so hard I almost spew fake whipped cream everywhere. “It’s not YONO. It’s YOLO.”

  “What? I thought it said YONO.”

  “Where—in Piper’s journal?”

  “Shhhh!!! What journal—I had no idea my daughter had a journal. I thought it was short for you never know. Like you never know what might happen.”

  “That would be YNK.”

  “Oh yeah. I just had a baby. Shut up.”

  “YOLO stands for You Only Live Once.”

  “Yeah. That too. You only live once.” She checks the door to make sure no one’s around and whispers, “You don’t have to do it in the garage. You can do it on the ferry on the way back.” She winks at me and then shoves more pie into her mouth.

  “Hah! Right.”

  Bex waggles her eyebrows. “You wouldn’t be the first—all I’m saying.”

  “Wait—have you done that?”

  “My lips are sealed,” she says, grinning and nodding. “I promised Josh I wouldn’t tell anyone. Which is why I never told you. And I’m not telling you now.”

  “Nuh-uh! Shut up. You did not!”

  Her eyes are practically bulging out of their sockets as she nods vehemently. “No, we would never do that. Especially not last year when we were coming home from Christmas dinner, and you were inside the boat with Piper and Mom and Dad.”

  “Whaaaaaat? You and Josh did it out on the deck? Come on.”

  “No, we definitely didn’t, because Josh would never do such a thing—and I also didn’t give birth to an infant nine months later. I’m just saying—baby it’s cold outside, so no one else is around and YOLO. But wear a coat because it really is cold.”

  I shovel the rest of the pie into my mouth while contemplating this. “I can’t bone my boss on the Staten Island Ferry. I mean, he wouldn’t even set foot on the Staten Island Ferry.”

  “What is he—a Kardashian?” she says, imitating my aunt. “Everyone rides the ferry. You already rode your boss in Ohio, so why not give him what every man really wants for Christmas?”

  “Public sex while he’s freezing his nuts off?”

  “Fine then. Don’t have sex with him, but invite him over.”

  “I can’t. We can’t have dinner with both our families two nights in a row—we aren’t actually dating.”

  “Why are you so afraid of this?”

  “Of what? Of ruining this perfectly good temporary fake dating arrangement with my moody boss?”

  “Everything’s temporary until it isn’t. Nothing’s real until it is. Every guy you’ve ever been with ‘for real’ has been unworthy of you, and you finally have this guy who—”

  “I don’t have him.”

  “Please—every relationship you’ve ever had has ended either because you finally realized the guy was unworthy or because he told you that you deserved better than him, but that always meant he wanted to start seeing someone else. And you do deserve better. You’re finally with a guy who’s on your level, and you don’t even want to admit that it’s a thing. I’ve seen the picture. They don’t make ’em any better than that. Look at that picture of the two of you on your phone, Maddie. You’re a couple.”

  “Yeah. For six, maybe seven more days. Wait. Where is my phone?” I feel around for my phone, but I don’t have any pockets on me right now. “I should probably check in on him. Make sure he ate dinner.” I find my phone in my coat pocket, on the bed in my aunt’s guest room. I see that there’s a missed call from Declan and call him back.

  He answers immediately and hesitantly. “Piper?”

  I burst out laughing. “Um. No. Would you like to speak with her—who shall I say is calling?”

  “JK LOL. How’s it going?”

  “Fine. How are you? You sound cold. Are you outside?”

  “Yeah. I’m just…walking around.”

  “Where? By your office?”

  “Not really. You having fun with your family?”

  “Yeah, they’re great. It’s nice. The baby’s so cute, but he’s asleep right now. You sound hungry. Did you eat dinner?”

  “Not really.”

  “Dec. You haven’t eaten all day?”

  “I was working. By myself. I forgot.”

  Ohhhh fuck it. YOLO.

  “Do you want to come over? I mean, we’re done eating dinner, but there’s plenty of leftovers and dessert. I know it’s not part of the plan. What you planned. For us. I mean you and me for the…as part of the…what we discussed before about…” Holy shit, am I stammering? I’m stammering. I do not stammer. Pull it together, Cooper. “It’s really low-key and very Staten Island, but you’re welcome to join us if you don’t have anything else to…” I pause because I hear a police siren going by the house outside, and at the same time, I hear a siren through the phone.

  “You sure you want me to meet your family? I don’t want to impose.”

  I shuffle over to the living room, past my family who are watching Love Actually on a gigantic big screen TV, and peek out the window. “Oh my gawd,” I whisper into the phone as I stare out at my boss down on the sidewalk, all bundled up in a puffy coat, scarf, and beanie.

  “What is it?” my aunt calls out from the sofa. “Is my neighbor throwin’ his trash in my bins again? I swear to gawd this time I’ll kill him.”

  “Dec,” I say into the phone. “What are you doing here?”

  “OMG, is he here?!” Piper jumps up and runs over to the window next to me.

  “Is who here?” My sister comes over to look.

  My niece’s hands shoot up in the air as she does a victory dance. “It’s Declan! H
e’s out front! I gave him the address, and he came!”

  “Gave who the address? Who’s Declan?” My mother gets up from the sofa to join us. “Dad—pause the movie!”

  “Where is everyone going all of a sudden?” my dad asks. “This is my favorite part of the entire film.”

  When Declan looks up from the street, he sees my whole family and me peering out the window at him excitedly, like he’s Santa Claus and we’re all finding out he’s real after all these years of being cynics.

  “Well, I was in the neighborhood…” he finally says. “There appears to be a group of people staring at me through a window.”

  “That’s us. Come inside.”

  “Okay, but what did you tell them about us? About me?”

  “Everything. They know everything,” I say, and then I hang up.

  “You guys—that’s my new boss and I’m pretending to be his girlfriend over the holidays, but don’t make a big deal about it. Okay?”

  I look back out the window and watch Declan slide his phone into his jacket pocket, carrying a shopping bag, as he crosses the street to walk up the driveway. It’s dark out, and he’s lit by a nearby streetlamp, but you can still see, plain as day, that he’s the best-looking guy on Staten Island right now.

  “Oh, he’s very good-looking,” my mother says.

  “Wait till you see his butt!” Piper exclaims.

  “You’re only pretending for the holidays?” my mom asks. “What then?”

  “Good question, Mom,” my sister says. “What then, Maddie?”

  I wave them both off. “It’s just for the holidays. Everybody behave!”

  “What is happening? Maddie, do you have a boyfriend? Is your boyfriend comin’ inside?” My aunt fusses with her hair and apron and starts skittering about. “Aw shit! I wasn’t expectin’ company.”

  “What are you talking about? We’re company,” my dad says.

  “I mean male company.”

  “What are we, chopped liver?” Bex’s husband asks.

  “Basically.” Bex plops down on his lap, kisses his cheek, and then steals a bite of his Rice Krispy treat, and they are so cute together it hurts. What they have, it’s secretly all I’ve ever really wanted. Even before I knew about the ferry sex.

  “Oh calm down, Mel!” my mom yells as she frantically straightens up the pillows on all of the sofas and armchairs in my aunt’s living room. “The place looks terrific. What man doesn’t love being surrounded by bargain-priced glittery Christmas ornaments and starfish with Santa hats? Especially lawyers?”

  “Yeah,” Piper says without any irony whatsoever. “You’ve got a cute stuffed raccoon in a wool cap and scarf on the mantle. He’ll love it! But Declan will only have eyes for Maddie anyway.”

  I grab that kid’s sweet face and kiss her on the top of her head before going to the door to pull my boots on.

  “Don’t let him in yet!” my aunt shrieks. “It smells like roast chicken farts in here! Open a window! Open all of the windows!”

  My dad and brother-in-law point at each other, and I crack open a window because she’s not wrong. But all houses smell like that at holiday dinners, right? If Declan can’t deal with my family’s chicken farts, then he can just go straight back to the office.

  I open the front door and step out onto the porch, hugging myself tight and jogging in place. Not because it’s cold as fuck but because my heart is racing, and I have so much nervous energy I feel like I could outrun the Polar Express right now. This is so unlike me, but these past few days have been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced or imagined myself. There isn’t even anything fairy tale romantic or extraordinary about it, and that’s what makes it even more surreal.

  Declan Cannavale is walking up the driveway to my aunt’s house. Where my family is gathered. In Staten Island. And I didn’t have to get him to sign a contract or offer a few days off in return, either. Talk about a Christmas miracle.

  I wait for him to walk up the steps, and then I do the dumbest thing yet—I hold my hand out to shake his.

  He stares at my outstretched hand for a second and then says, “Oh. Okay.”

  I had my mouth on his penis this morning, and now it feels awkward to hug him, so this is what’s happening.

  Declan Cannavale has broken my brain.

  “Nice to see you. Happy Christmas,” he says like an uptight British guy.

  I swat at his hand. “Oh shut up. I’m nervous.”

  “That’s adorable. I’m not. At all.” I can tell he is, though. He totally is, and we’re so fucking cute I want to hug both of us.

  But I don’t.

  “Whatcha got there?” I nod at the bag in his hand.

  “I had the driver drop me off at a gift shop,” he says, shrugging and grinning. He holds up a plastic bag from a souvenir and gift shop on Fifth Avenue, and I want to French kiss that dimple on his stubbly cheek. But not in front of my dad.

  “You got my family New York souvenirs. That’s funny.” I hold my hand up for a high-five. “That is really cute.”

  “Well, I’m fucking adorable, so what’d you expect?”

  We just stand here, staring at each other and grinning like goofballs for a minute.

  “Hi,” he says, pushing a strand of hair out of my face.

  “Hi.” I rub the scruff on the sides of his face. I think this is how happy I would have felt if I’d actually gotten the puppy I wanted for Christmas when I was eight, except this puppy has a law degree and looks like an underwear model. Goddammit. My heart feels so full right now. And the rest of me is horny. Really, really horny. “So you have a car?”

  “I was drinking a bit earlier, so I had someone drive me here. Sent him back though. I wasn’t sure how you wanted to go back to the city. I mean, assuming you wanted to go back to the city tonight. With me.”

  “I do. We’re taking the ferry. We should go inside now.”

  “Yep. Let’s do this.”

  I take his hand to lead him inside. Not because he’s my fake boyfriend but because I do it without thinking. And I’m not even going to think about what that means. I open the door and peek inside to find Mel running around spritzing apple cider–scented bathroom spray like a maniac.

  “Mel! The house smells fine! We’re coming in!”

  I pull Declan into the living room, and we’re met with my family’s wide-eyed, sheepish faces and silence because my mom made my dad pause Love Actually again. So all I can hear is the beating of my very confused heart and the train set that’s going around my aunt’s fake Christmas tree.

  “Hi there,” Declan says, surveying the room. “I like that raccoon. I have a scarf just like his.”

  Twenty-Eight

  Declan

  HAVE YOURSELF A STATEN ISLAND FERRY CHRISTMAS

  It took Hannah three months to convince me to go home with her to meet her parents on Thanksgiving back when we were in college. At that point, we’d been dating for almost a year. Granted, I was nineteen and a total shit, but it felt like a really big deal, and it was. We had our first real relationship-y fights about it. She wanted to meet my family too. I also met that request with all of the resistance of a nineteen-year-old total shit. But we did finally do the family holiday thing. That made the relationship feel more real to me. I felt more like a grown-up. All it really was, was the first time Hannah had met Brady. I thought it was the beginning of something, and it was. Not for me but for them.

  It took three days, six lonely hours at the office, four fingers of whiskey, and a text from a thirteen-year-old to convince me to come meet Maddie’s family. And while it may be significant for a thirty-two-year-old semi-shit to do this, I think that I would do anything for Maddie right now if she asked me to. And that would have been true even after only two fingers of whiskey.

  I mean, I’m the king of gift-giving, and I got her parents a fucking New York City snow globe. As an inside joke between Maddie and me. I look like an ass. But I don’t care because Maddie gets the joke. I was not, how
ever, expecting Maddie’s Aunt Mel to be so excited about the creepy Nutcracker doll that I got for half off. There must be a bare three-inch square space of surface somewhere in this house that she’s been saving for something just like it.

  “Oh get out of here, mistah! Hello—did you read my mind?” she says, giving my shoulder a shove. “Mistah Readin’ My Mind over here gets me a Nutcrackah doll after I’m thinkin’ for a month—you know what this place needs? A Nutcrackah doll! This is goin’ somewhere special, but I’m puttin’ it here on the table for now, arright? You hungry, hon? I’m gonna fix you a plate. I’ll get you a plate of everythin’. It’ll be reheated, nothin’ fancy. Just whatevah.”

  “Yeah whatever. That’d be great, thanks.”

  “Okay, hon, make yourself comfortable, sit. Eh, Joe!” she yells out to Maddie’s father who is six feet away. “Joe, let our guest sit by you there, on the good sofa.” She waves at him to make room for me while pushing me toward him.

  So I guess I’m sitting next to Mr. Cooper on the good sofa, instead of standing behind the armchair next to Maddie. She looks so wholesome in her big chunky sweater and those tight black things—leggings, I think my sister called them—and she seems so nervous. I want to stick my hands up that sweater, pull those leggings down, and help her relax a little. Or a lot. But maybe not in front of her family.

  “Have a seat—Declan, is it?”

  “Declan, yes.” It really is a good sofa, but because Maddie’s brother-in-law and sister are also sitting on it, I have to nestle into the corner, uncomfortably close to Joe Cooper. We’re basically rubbing up against each other on one side.

  Colin Firth is paused on a massive screen, and it looks like he’s about to sneeze.

  “You seen this movie before? Love Actually? It’s British. A classic British romantic comedy film.”

  “I’ve seen parts of it, whenever it’s on TV.”

  “Parts of it, huh? Interesting. Too busy working to watch entire movies?”

  “To be honest, yeah. I was. But I’m trying to make some changes in my life now.”

  I’m not even going to think about what it means that I’m saying this shit to get Maddie’s dad to like me within minutes of meeting him.