Friends Without Benefits

by Marci Bolden

  “Sit down,” he said. “I’ll serve dinner.”

  She didn’t sit. She reached for two glasses and started putting ice from the dispenser in them. “Sam already ate. He scarfed down his food and was gone before I even finished cleaning up the mess Mitch left.”

  Paul fixed their plates, and they sat to eat. Dianna stared at her food more than she ate as they sat in silence. He continually glanced at her, and when she’d catch him, she’d smile, but she was deep in thought.

  “You’re not hungry?” he finally asked.

  “Not really.”

  He took her plate as he stood and cleared the table. She pushed herself up and went to the cabinet as he put her leftovers away. As she made coffee, he loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. This was a routine they’d followed so many times it was habit now. However, he didn’t think this night would end with them watching television, pretending they didn’t want each other. There was something palpable in the air, and it wasn’t their mutual attraction. She was upset. Frustrated. Hurt. Sad.

  Paul washed his hands, used a towel to dry them, and then wiped the counter. Dianna smiled sadly when he hung the towel up and turned to face her.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Thank you.”

  He laughed softly. “I’m pretty great at loading a dishwasher, aren’t I?”

  “You are. You’re pretty great all around, actually.”

  She stepped to him, put her head on his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his waist. He slid his arms around her shoulders and stroked his hand over her hair.

  “I’m sorry. I just need this right now. I can’t believe I have to leave this place.” Her voice was low, as if saying it quietly would make it less true. “I’ve had twenty years here, and now it’s over.”

  He kissed her head. He loved kissing her head. Maybe the feeling was archaic, but when she was in his arms and he could put his lips to her hair, some part of his heart felt like she belonged to him. He liked that feeling—that she was his.

  “I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. I just wish I had something to look forward to.”

  He squeezed her a bit closer to him. “You have things to look forward to. A lot of things.”

  “Like what?”

  “If the offer pulls through on this one, in a month’s time we’re going to be moving you into a new house. You’ll have a new place to decorate and make your home. I think we’ll have to have some barbeques this summer. Doesn’t that sound great? You, me, and our boys crammed around a picnic table full of food.”

  She leaned back and grinned up at him. “You’re buying the food. I’d have to sell more than just my house to be able to feed all of you.”

  As they laughed, he brushed her hair from her face. He traced her ear with his fingertips as he touched her cheek with his thumb, and Dianna’s smile fell as her lips parted. Her eyes darkened as he held her gaze. He wanted to lean in and kiss her, to feel her mouth on his. He wanted her to kiss him, hold him, and touch him like she’d done in that hotel room.

  But that had been a bad idea a few weeks ago, and it was a worse idea now. He’d stopped them from making love because they both loved someone else. That hadn’t changed. But now her someone else wanted her back.

  He swallowed his churning emotions. “The coffee’s done.”

  Her brow furrowed slightly, but then she stepped back and set about filling the mugs and stirring creamer into his. Paul accepted the drink she held out to him. They walked to the living room and sat on the couch, keeping the length of the sofa between them. She’d taken the Christmas tree down, but when he looked at the big bay window, he pictured them sitting there exchanging gifts. That memory, however, was quickly replaced by him holding her as she sobbed after finding out that Mitch and Michelle had set a wedding date.

  Dianna’s monotone voice pulled him from his thoughts.

  “I hate how complicated my life has gotten. It used to be so simple. Even when I was being pulled in fifty different directions from all the activities the boys were involved in, I had some sense of balance. I’m so tired of feeling like everything is spiraling out of control.” She snagged a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “Just when I find my footing, something knocks me back down. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. I need things to stop being so hard.”

  Paul sat forward and put his coffee on the table. He stared at his mug for a long time as he weighed his response. He wanted to promise to take care of her. He wanted to take all her worries away, to tell her to lean on him—depend on him. He wouldn’t let her down. He’d never betray her, or hurt her, or make her cry. He’d take her on vacations and buy her flowers. He’d make her feel wanted and appreciated.

  Loved. He’d make her feel loved. Because he did love her.

  Dianna sniffed, and when he looked at her, she was looking at the built-in bookshelf. “The day we moved in, I was unpacking a box of books. Jason was asleep upstairs. Mitch came in and gave me a dozen roses. He told me how happy he was, how he could never imagine us anywhere else. Now he’s gone. And I’m leaving. It’s like that moment never even happened.”

  And just like that, she reminded him she loved her ex-husband.

  Paul swallowed his selfish desire to keep her and quietly said, “He’s right, you know? Your life would be easier if he came home.”

  “What?” Her question came out in a whispered demand. She clearly hadn’t expected him to say that.

  He sat for a moment before turning his face to her. “You still love him, Dianna. And I don’t blame you. You were with him for over twenty years. You had kids and a life. That doesn’t just go away.”

  “Paul—”

  “You can have your life back. You can stay in your house. You can stop worrying about how to take care of your kids and how to pay your bills. You can have the simplicity that you just told me you miss so much.”

  The muscles in her jaw clenched as she stared at him. “Yeah, I can have all that and a husband who doesn’t think twice about cheating on me.”

  Paul lowered his face. “Maybe he learned his lesson.”

  “My God.” She pushed herself up and moved around the coffee table. “You sound just like him. That’s what he said. He’s learned his lesson. He’ll be better now.” She stopped in front of the big window and faced him, her brow creased and her eyes hard. “He decides he’s done living the life of a single man, and I’m supposed to…what? Be thankful? Stop caring that he tore me apart and just take him back? Goddamn it, Paul. I expected this from him, but you?” The anger in her eyes faded to sadness. “Don’t you think I deserve better than that?”

  “I do. I know you deserve better than that.”

  “Then tell me that. If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but don’t just throw me back to a man whose betrayal nearly killed me.”

  He stood, crossed the room in a few strides, and put his hands to her face. He held her head as he stared into her eyes. “It isn’t that I don’t want you, Dianna. You’re all I ever think of. Ever since we kissed, all I want to do is kiss you again. And more, so much more. I do want you. But I can’t give you what you need.”

  She wrapped her hands around his wrists, clinging to him. “I don’t want to leave this house, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t. I want to give my kids more, but they will survive without it. That life I had is over. It’s been hard letting go, but I can. I just need something to look forward to. I just need you to give me something—”

  “I can’t. Not when I know you still love him.”

  “I sent him away.”

  “This time. You sent him away this time. But he isn’t going to give up that easily, is he?”

  He brushed his thumbs over her cheeks when tears fell from her eyes.

  “We’ve been here for each other. We’ve picked each other up and brushed each other off. But we’ve done that because the people we love hurt us. Everything we are to each other, we are because of them. I care about you, more than you
know, but your heart is still broken over someone else. If you choose to be with me, it has to be because you’re ready, not because I’m here to stand in his place.”

  “My God, Paul, I never wanted you to replace him.” She frowned as she looked into his eyes. “Is that all I ever was to you? Michelle’s replacement? Someone to…to fill a void?”

  “Of course not,” he whispered.

  She stepped away and turned her back to him. “At least not intentionally, right?”

  Paul lowered his face. He didn’t mean to imply that either of them had been a stand-in for their spouses, but maybe that was the reality of it. Maybe they’d spent these last few months taking up space that had been left vacant simply because it was comfortable. Maybe Matt and Annie had been right all along.

  He sighed. “We’ve always known our feelings for Mitch and Michelle were there. We’ve never denied how we felt about them. I know you love him, Dianna.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  He didn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t think he did. He thought he loved Dianna, but if he were honest with himself, he’d never had a very good head for relationships. Doubt was pulling at him. “He’s offering what you’ve wanted.”

  She faced him and looked as hurt as he’d ever seen. “What if that’s not what I want anymore? Yes, there’s a part of me that still loves Mitch. Part of me always will—he’s the father of my children, the first man I ever loved—but there’s a bigger part of me that has been missing you. I know we’re not ready. I do. But if we can just…just go back to where we were before New Year’s, just take a step back, we’ll get to a place where we are ready, and we’ll get there in our own time. We just have to take a step back.”

  He took her hands and looked at them for a moment before lifting her right hand and kissing it. “You’re right. We do have to step back. If…if there comes a time when we can be together, as more than friends, it does have to come in its own time. When we’ve healed and let go of the past. We can’t do that, Dianna, if we keep dancing around the things that have hurt us. You need to take time and figure this out without me here. You have to give yourself some time to know what is right. Because even though he hurt you, maybe letting him come back is the right thing. And maybe you can’t see that because I’m here, reminding you of what he did. Maybe…maybe the best thing for you—for both of us—is to…take time and figure out what’s right.”

  Disappointment rolled across her face like a storm. Her lip quivered, and tears welled in her eyes. “You’re leaving me?”

  He hated that he was the one causing her so much pain this time, but he nodded slowly. “We need time.”

  “Please,” she whispered. She started to reach for him but then stopped. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I pushed. I won’t—”

  “Don’t. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’ve just come to a crossroads, Dianna. If we move forward into a relationship we aren’t ready for, we’re going to hurt each other. If we try to remain friends, we’re going to be dancing around this thing, and we’re going to hurt each other. This has been coming to a head ever since New Year’s—probably even longer. We’ve been ignoring it, but eventually we were going to have to face the reality that we are in over our heads with each other.”

  Silence hung in the air for a long, uncomfortable moment. For a moment, he wanted to take it all back, everything he’d said.

  “Do you…” Her brow furrowed. “Do you want her back?”

  Paul sighed. He didn’t. He didn’t want Michelle back. But he didn’t want his feelings to cloud Dianna’s. She must have taken his silence as his answer. She sobbed, just one choking sound, as she turned her back on him.

  “If you need anything, anything at all…” He stopped when she nodded. “I’m going to go.”

  He hesitated, but she didn’t face him. He started to put his hand on her shoulder but stopped. Time. They needed time. He left her there, ignoring the sounds of her crying as he slid into his coat and shoes. He closed the door behind him, torn between regret and a sense that he had done what was best for both of them.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Saturday was supposed to be family game night. Paul and his siblings used to get together on a regular basis. That had ended when Michelle came into the picture, but at Dianna’s insistence, Paul had invited Annie, Matt, and Donna to his house.

  Annie had already gathered something was wrong. She’d called him the morning after he’d left Dianna crying in her living room to demand to know what was wrong with her receptionist. He’d acted like he didn’t know, but he couldn’t deny it now. Sitting at the head of his dining room table with Matt and Donna to his right and Annie to his left, all looking at him with curious eyes, he’d had no choice but to tell them everything.

  “How can you be sure she wants him back?” Donna asked.

  “I can’t,” Paul said. “But I also can’t be sure she doesn’t.”

  “She’s been on edge this week,” Annie said. “She looks terrible.”

  Paul turned his attention from the beer in his hand. “Thanks. I needed to feel worse about walking out on her.”

  Annie frowned. “I’m just saying, I don’t think she’s as torn as you think she is.”

  “She doesn’t want to sell her house. She can’t keep up with her bills. Her kids are making sacrifices she feels responsible for. She’s been juggling her finances since he left her, Annie. If he comes back, she won’t have all these problems.”

  “He left her once,” Donna said. “Who’s to say he won’t leave her again?”

  Paul nodded. “Trust me, I considered that. I hope to hell that if she gives him a second chance, he doesn’t blow it. But I just can’t put myself out there when I don’t know for sure how she feels.”

  “Did you ask her how she feels?” Matt asked.

  Paul frowned at his brother. “If it were that cut and dry, would I be sitting here?”

  “Why isn’t it that cut and dry?” Annie asked.

  He sighed. “New Year’s Eve. She was upset because we thought Mitch and Michelle were getting married. She was crying, and I…tried to comfort her.”

  Donna gasped. “Did you…you know?”

  Paul focused on his drink. “No. But only because at the very last minute we realized it was a bad idea. We talked it out and agreed we weren’t ready to have a relationship. That was just a few weeks ago. The only thing that has changed between then and now is Mitch wants her to take him back. She loved him then, and she loves him now. I can’t be with someone who loves someone else.”

  Silence hung over the table.

  Finally, Annie reached out and took his hand in a rare show of affection. “Do you think she’ll take him back?”

  “She’s feeling vulnerable right now. If he pushes her…” He swallowed. “If he pushes her, then yes, I think she’ll take him back.”

  “And you’re okay with that?” Matt asked.

  “It’s her choice. Not mine.”

  “The hell it isn’t.”

  “I can’t compete with twenty-two years of marriage, Matt. Even if I could, she’s losing her home. She can’t pay her bills or provide for her kids unless she gives up something that means the world to her. How the hell am I supposed to make that better for her? Unless I moved in with her—which we definitely aren’t ready for—I can’t.”

  “So this is about a house? You’re giving her up because of a fucking house?”

  “I’m giving her up because he can take care of her in ways that I can’t.”

  Annie lifted her hand to stop Matt when he started to challenge Paul’s reasoning. “If he leaves Michelle to go back to Dianna,” Annie said, “where does that leave Michelle? Probably coming back to you, at least until she finds someone else, right? How much of this is about Michelle?”

  Paul shook his head. “I feel like…like something broke New Year’s Eve. Thinking that she was marrying another man, knowing that she’d just erased me from her life like I was nothing—it was
the final straw for me. I don’t want her back. Not when—”

  “Not when you’re in love with Dianna,” Donna finished.

  Paul didn’t deny her accusation. He couldn’t.

  “Tell her you want to be with her,” Matt said. “Don’t leave her hanging there all alone, waiting for him to come along and pick her up. If you leave her when you know she’s vulnerable, you’re just giving him an in, and you know damn well he’ll take it.”

  “That’s not the point, Matt.”

  “Nor is saving her the pain of leaving her house,” Annie said. “The point is that you don’t trust what she’s feeling any more than you trust what you’re feeling. You’re both confused, and you don’t want to get hurt again. The problem with that,” she said, “is that you’re both hurting right now anyway.”

  “Goddamn it.” Paul sighed. “I didn’t want this to get complicated.”

  “Well, guess what, little brother,” she said. “It is.”

  Dianna stood in the doorway of her living room taking in the way the room looked for several minutes before packing away her belongings. She started with the bookshelf, tucking away novels and photo albums along with carefully wrapped photo frames, trinkets, and statuettes. By the time the evening ended, she’d packed all the nonessentials in the room, leaving it nearly empty. Seeing it so bare broke her heart.

  She was distracted when headlights flashed through the window as a car pulled into her driveway. She checked the time on her phone. It was too early for it to be Sam coming home from work, but she wasn’t expecting anyone else. She couldn’t think of anyone who would show up unexpected, except…

  “Paul.” She was rushing from the room when the doorbell rang, reminding her she needed to fix the chime before new owners took over. She didn’t want to leave them with a sad, drawn-out ringer. She rounded the corner into the entry, and as she looked through the glass door, her heart sank. The excitement she felt fell through the floor, and the first real smile she’d managed for days went with it.