Confessions Between Us

by Tina T. Kove

  I hurried after Sarah.

  ‘Fuck him,’ she muttered. ‘Glenn prefers using his window, anyway. That way he doesn’t have to deal with Marcus or his parents.’

  He did?

  I’d always have to sneak in the window last summer, even with him having the house to himself. I’d thought that was because he was embarrassed about being seen with me or something.

  ‘What if he’s right?’ I asked as she banged on the window.

  We couldn’t see in as the curtains were shut, but it seemed to be dark.

  ‘He’s not.’ Sarah banged on the window again. ‘Glenn, it’s me! Open up!’

  But no one did.

  ‘We shouldn’t wake him if he’s sleeping.’

  ‘Maybe he’s in the bathroom.’ Sarah sighed. ‘Hell, maybe he’s at the doctor’s surgery. Marcus said he wasn’t here. Maybe that was the truth.’

  ‘Marcus said he was in the madhouse,’ I reminded her. I didn’t like that nickname for a mental hospital.

  Sarah snorted at that. ‘Glenn’s either here and sleeping or ignoring us, or he’s off to the doctor. He needs an excused absence if he doesn’t want it to count on the ten per cent absence mark.’

  That was true. And logical.

  ‘Now what?’

  Sarah sniffled, more tears escaping. She didn’t have Glenn to focus on now in her pursuit of the truth, and she seemed to fold in on herself.

  ‘Want me to walk you home?’ She shouldn’t be out and about in the state she was in.

  She nodded. ‘Yeah, okay.’

  ‘Where do you live?’ I didn’t know this vital piece of information.

  ‘Downtown. Come on.’

  We walked away from Glenn’s house in silence, side by side.

  She didn’t say much on our way towards her home. Maybe she was deep in thought. Maybe she was just sad and hurt.

  I didn’t want to pry, so as long as she didn’t speak up, neither did I.

  ‘What will your parents say about you skipping school?’ I asked as she pointed out a house.

  ‘My parents don’t live here.’ She smiled slightly.

  I blinked in surprise.

  ‘I live with my sisters and my cousins,’ she revealed. ‘We have a first-floor flat. My parents and my uncle and aunt bought the flat together because they both had three children who had to go to high school here.’

  ‘But where do they live?’ Six teenagers lived alone in a flat? Wasn’t that a recipe for disaster?

  ‘Garnes.’ She walked into the driveway, up the two stairs to the front door, and then let us in. ‘We only have one elementary school and one middle school there, so when middle school’s over, we have to move here for high school.’

  ‘You move out on your own when you’re fifteen or sixteen years old?’ I wish I could’ve done that.

  She nodded. ‘We don’t have a choice. If we want to go to high school, we have to.’ She led me up on flight of stairs and unlocked the next door we came to. ‘Three floors, three big flats. The ones under and over us are grown-up people though. Not students like us.’

  ‘It’s good off your parents to buy a whole flat for you.’ I looked around as we entered the hall. Sarah toed out of her boots and I took off my trainers as well. Trainers were not a wise choice of footwear in snow and ice, but it was what I had.

  ‘They figured it would be a better investment to buy a flat than have to pay for dorms for all of us.’ She shrugged out of her jacket. ‘It’s been up and down living on our own since we were so young, but I think we’ve grown because of it too.’

  The hall wasn’t that big. There were a lot of shoes scattered over the floor and the little wall-space was filled with various jackets.

  ‘My room’s over here.’ She led me through a living room and open-floor kitchen. ‘The flat originally only had three extra rooms, but my dad and uncle separated each room so now there are six.’

  ‘Wow, that’s great.’ Sarah had good parents, then, who cared about her and who wanted the best for her.

  ‘That means each bedroom is tiny though.’ She smiled slightly as she opened a door. ‘A bed and a closet are pretty much all I have space for.’ She turned into her room but then froze.

  I hadn’t started walking yet, so I avoided walking into her.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Was there someone in her room?

  She grabbed a hoodie that’d been left carelessly at the foot of her bed and threw it out into the living room.

  ‘Hey!’ a strange voice called. ‘What the hell?’

  I turned to see a guy amble up to us, frowning at the hoodie on the floor to Sarah breathing heavily in the doorway.

  ‘I’m so fucking angry!’

  That hoodie must be Peter’s. It was too big to belong to Sarah.

  ‘How could he do this to me?’ She broke down crying again, sliding down to sit on the floor. ‘He’s one of the good guys. Always kind to everyone and he never does anything wrong. He’s not supposed to be a cheater!’

  ‘Ah, shit,’ the other guy murmured. He had to be one of Sarah’s cousins since she only had two sisters.

  I crouched down in front of her. ‘Sometimes good guys do stupid things.’ Everyone did something they regretted at one point in their life. At least.

  Sarah’s face was buried in her hands but she shook her head.

  ‘Peter cheated on you?’ Her cousin loomed over us. ‘That fucker.’

  Sarah sobbed.

  I rubbed her back soothingly. Or at least I tried to. I wasn’t good at this. I’d never had anyone to console, so it wasn’t like I had any practice at this.

  ‘Then again,’ the cousin continued, ‘he is a teenage boy. What can you expect, really?’

  ‘Oh, fuck you, Torje!’ Sarah grabbed something else from inside her room—a knitted jumper—and threw it at him. He only grabbed it, probably not even feeling it hit him. A knitted jumper wasn’t exactly heavy.

  ‘Jesus Christ.’ He threw the knitted jumper on her bed and turned. ‘I’m off to school. You better have calmed down by the time I get back.’

  Sarah buried her face in her hands again.

  I wanted to say something reassuring but I had no idea what. Tell her not to listen to him, maybe, that not all teenage boys were like that… but would that just be rubbing salt in the wound? Peter had turned out to be one of those hormonal teenage boys who couldn’t keep it in his pants, after all.

  ‘You’re one of the good ones, Alex,’ she said eventually. Her sobs had quieted down and she finally lifted her head to look at me.

  I flushed. ‘Um, thanks.’ I wasn’t sure it was true. My head was a jumbled mess of Andreas and Glenn.

  ‘You are,’ she insisted, head thudding back against the doorway. ‘You’re kind, you’re sweet, you’re loyal. That thing with Glenn is in the past, right?’

  My eyes widened. ‘You heard that?’ So she had been awake during my confrontation with Glenn in the kitchen.

  ‘Hard not to.’ A small smile flitted over her lips.

  ‘I promised him not to tell anyone about that, so please, you can’t tell anyone else.’ Glenn would kill me if it got out. Or worse, his brother would kill him.

  ‘I won’t.’ Sarah held her hands up, palms out. ‘I guess I understand Glenn a little better. If he’s so deep in the closet… it can’t be easy, hiding who you are.’

  ‘I guess not.’ I’d never really hidden my sexuality. I hadn’t told Leo about it, but that was because there was nothing to tell. After I got with Andreas, and Leo came home, then I’d told him. I’d been nervous, sure, but he’d taken it well. He seemed happy for me. I had no one else I needed to be open to.

  ‘Would it be easier if I’d been gay?’ She stared up at the ceiling.

  ‘Gay people cheat too.’ There was no difference in sexuality there, or so I reckoned. People were people. They’d cheat whether they were gay or not.

  ‘Yeah.’ She sniffled, eyes watering again. ‘The words keep ringing in my head.’ She tapped her tem
ple for emphasis. ‘Hearing him say it, that he’s been with someone else, that he cheated on me… that was the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I thought we were good, I was glad to see him today, relieved he’d only been sick for one day. And then he drops that bomb on me.’ She wiped furiously at the new tears that fell.

  I wished I could do something to make her feel better but I came up short.

  ‘I always thought I was better than this,’ she continued in a hoarse, broken voice. ‘That I wasn’t the sort of girl to cry over a guy. But I love him. We were in love. We were together for a long time. And he throws it all away, just like that, for a bit on the side.’

  I felt for her so much my heart physically ached. I didn’t know what I’d do if Andras ever cheated on me. I couldn’t even imagine what she must be feeling inside right now. Hurt, betrayed, angry—all of them likely mixed into one giant ball of grief. Because she was grieving right now, grieving for the boyfriend who had betrayed her, the boyfriend she lost.

  I hadn’t known any of them for long, but from my eyes, their relationship had seemed rock-solid. Maybe Peter had issues he hadn’t shared with anyone, or maybe it just was one stupid, reckless mistake.

  ‘Hey… Sarah.’ I stroked her shoulder now.

  She tipped into me as she started sobbing, tears soaking into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, being the shoulder she so obviously needed to cry on.

  We’d never been this close. We’d never hugged before. We had kissed, but that had been part of a drinking game. This felt more intimate, somehow. She was letting out all her pain and I was the one she was doing it in front of.

  ‘I hate him!’ She gripped the front of my jumper. Her nails dug into my skin, but not enough to break it. I didn’t think she even noticed she was doing it. ‘I fucking hate him for this!’

  I doubted she hated him already, but she was hurting. Then again, wasn’t there a saying about how there was a thin line between love and hate? Maybe love could turn into hate so quickly.

  My parents hated each other. They had, presumably, loved each other before. They had three children together. They couldn’t have conceived all three of us if they had hated each other then. Something had changed and I had no idea what, but the hate was dominant with them now.

  I refrained from saying anything as I was afraid it would only make her feel worse.

  She didn’t say anything else either, just stayed curled up against me as her sobs and tears slowly calmed down, and then eventually stopped altogether. She breathed deeply, calming herself down, face still pressed to my collarbone.

  A part of me felt like I should say something. Assure her that it would be okay in the end. But she was hurting so much right now, and probably feeling like nothing would be okay again. Hearing me say something like that wouldn’t make her feel better now. So I refrained from it.

  Social situations had always been awkward for me, and this was more awkward than most. I had no idea what to say or do to make her feel better.

  I wasn’t sure there was anything I could say.

  So we only sat there, in the doorway of her bedroom, hugging each other in silence.

  Wednesday, February 27th

  Glenn hadn’t been in school today either.

  I was worried. Sarah hadn’t seemed to given it a second thought, but then she had other things on her mind right now. I couldn’t blame her for not being worried about Glenn being gone for the third day in a row.

  ‘He’s not answering.’ Andreas frowned down at his phone. He was worried too.

  I hadn’t told him what Marcus had said yesterday. Sarah had been so sure he’d been lying, so all I’d told Andreas was that I’d met Marcus, he hadn’t said anything to me, and Glenn either hadn’t been home or hadn’t wanted to open his window.

  ‘Marcus said something yesterday,’ I started hesitantly.

  ‘Thought you said he didn’t say anything to you?’ Andreas snapped to attention.

  ‘He didn’t, not to me.’ I swallowed. ‘Sarah asked where Glenn was. Marcus said he was in the madhouse.’

  Andreas’s brows drew together in a confused frown. ‘You think he spoke the truth?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I didn’t know Marcus. I didn’t want to know him or see him or hear him. Not ever again. ‘But he’s away from school for the third day in a row and no one’s heard from him.’

  ‘Why would Glenn be admitted to the hospital?’

  ‘He has been pretty down lately, hasn’t he?’ I’d thought it was all because of me, but Andreas had been worried about him for a while now.

  ‘Yeah, but—’ Andreas looked at his phone again. The screen was still black. Nothing was happening there. ‘You were depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore, but no one admitted you to a mental hospital.’

  ‘Maybe he has a better GP.’ Mine sucked. She’d told me I wasn’t sick enough to be considered for psychiatric treatment.

  Voices could be heard from the hall, seeing as the door was wide open. I saw Ben pass on the way to his room.

  ‘Wait a second,’ a second, unfamiliar voice said—and then a guy appeared in the doorway, knocking lightly on the frame. He had auburn hair and freckles, wore tight jeans and a colourful shirt with a scarf draped around his neck. ‘Hey, Andreas.’

  ‘Hey, Nik.’ Andreas looked at him curiously. ‘What’re you doing here?’

  ‘Winter holiday,’ he said like it was obvious. When Andreas only stared at him, he grinned. ‘Down west we have the winter holiday a week after you, remember?’

  ‘Right.’ Andreas didn’t seem like he’d known that.

  It wasn’t something I’d known either. Leo was only five hours away and his winter holiday was the same time as mine.

  ‘Quick question.’ Nik—so this was Ben’s best friend that he was in love with—held one finger up. ‘Have you spoken to Glenn in the last three days?’

  ‘No.’ Andreas was seriously confused now. ‘Have you?’

  ‘The fuck?’ Ben said as he appeared next to Nik. ‘Since when do you talk to Glenn?’

  ‘I met him out at a bar on Sunday night.’ Nik shrugged as if it was not a big deal. ‘He just seemed… out of sorts, I guess. I got a funny feeling.’

  ‘How do you mean “out of sorts”?’ Andreas rotated his body so he faced the door now, giving Nik his full and undivided attention.

  ‘It’s hard to put my finger on, but he didn’t seem like himself.’ Nik pursed his lips.

  ‘Was he with Peter?’

  ‘No.’ Now Nik seemed confused. ‘I didn’t see Peter anywhere.’

  So Nik must’ve met Glenn after Peter cheated on Sarah. Presumably. Maybe while he was cheating on her.

  ‘So Glenn was alone?’ Andreas almost sounded like he was doing an interrogation, trying to piece the puzzle together. ‘And you talked to him where?’

  ‘At the bar.’ He crossed his arms. ‘I can’t say what alerted me, but I got the feeling he wasn’t doing so well. And I’m worried, okay? I don’t know him or anything, but we’re in the same circle of friends, so… yeah, I just got worried.’

  Andreas bit down on his bottom lip. That wasn’t often I saw him do. That was my bad habit when I was anxious.

  Ben was watching Nik intently as if he didn’t quite believe what he was hearing.

  ‘I have to go over there.’ Andreas stood from the bed. ‘I have to find out what’s going on.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I nodded encouragingly. ‘You do that.’ The worry was heavy in my gut, but I couldn’t share why I was so worried about Glenn. Glenn didn’t like me, after all. Except maybe he did. It was all too confusing.

  Andreas nodded back, glanced at Nik and Ben, then he squeezed past them and hurried upstairs.

  ‘If he’s got the flu, three days away from school is nothing.’ Ben had stared after Andreas’s back, but he turned to me now. ‘He can be home for a week with that.’

  ‘He wasn’t sick on Sunday.’ Marcus’s words rang in my head. What
if he had spoken the truth and we hadn’t believed him? Not that I was worried about hurting Marcus’s feelings or anything, but Glenn… what if he was in the hospital and no one came to visit? ‘Marcus said he was in the madhouse and Sarah was convinced he was lying.’

  ‘What the hell does Glenn have to go to a mental hospital for?’ Ben almost repeated the same question Andreas had earlier.

  It didn’t seem like any of them knew the real Glenn. I didn’t either, but he’d revealed some things back during our confrontation in the kitchen. How his brother put those nasty bruises on him last summer—and probably put more on him since, but that was my own opinion. How he didn’t enjoy football or the gym or any of that. Did anyone know that Glenn liked art and reading? Or was that something he’d only let slip to me in a moment of emotional turmoil?

  ‘You should know that a lot can go on inside but not show on the outside.’ Nik poked his index finger right in the middle of Glenn’s chest. ‘Remember your past, Ben.’

  Ben grimaced. ‘Glenn is probably just sick. He’s got the man flu or something. Come on, let’s go to my room.’ He left the doorway.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ Nik told me. ‘Alex, right?’

  ‘Uh, yeah, same.’ I stared at him with wide eyes, hitting myself mentally for being so damn awkward in social settings.

  Nik only waved and followed Ben, however, leaving me on my own.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone right now. I was too worried. My thoughts were going around and around Marcus’s word ‘madhouse’. I didn’t like that word, but it was what he’d said. It was what Sarah and I hadn’t believed. And now it might be true.

  ‘Dammit.’ I ran my hands over my face, rubbing at my eyes. They stung.

  I couldn’t sit still, so I headed upstairs to get something to drink. Or something. I didn’t have anything particular in mind, I just had to get out of the bedroom.

  ‘Hey, Alex.’ Thomas was in the kitchen and he smiled at me as I entered. ‘There’s a letter for you.’

  I took it, confused, then saw the logo on the top left corner of the envelope. It was from the District Psychiatric Centre.