by Tina T. Kove
‘Do you think I get an appointment?’ I was almost afraid to open it.
‘They have to give you at least one to assess you, so yeah.’ Thomas poured himself a coffee.
I ripped open the envelope and pulled the letter out. There were two sheets of paper, one the actual letter from the DPC, the other some sort of form to fill out if I was admitted to hospital. Which I was not, so I ignored that in favour of the actual letter.
‘I have an appointment in two weeks.’ I felt… strange. Relieved, for sure, but also a little anxious. What would they say about me? What kind of diagnosis would they put on me? What was wrong with my head?
‘That’s quicker than normal.’ Thomas sat down at the table, cradling his cup of coffee. ‘Mentioning suicidal thoughts and plans does speed the process up a lot.’
I sat on a chair as well, still holding the letter. ‘It says I have an appointment with a woman named Gina Sagen-Lian. Do you know her?’
‘I do.’ Thomas nodded. ‘She’s good. You’re lucky to get her.’
That was good then. Reassuring. At least a little.
I was still scared and anxious about it. I knew it would probably help me out a lot, but… I wasn’t used to talking about my feelings like I would have to with her. I hadn’t said anything about feeling depressed or wanting to end my life until after Marcus had attacked me and I’d broken down in front of Thomas.
I hadn’t shared much of it with Andreas either—and he was supposed to be the person closest to me. Leo too… He knew next to nothing. He knew about my cutting habit now, and I had told him about the day I met Andreas and what I had planned, but… Now I had to share it all with a stranger too.
‘It’ll be okay, Alex,’ Thomas said in a soft, reassuring voice. ‘Thing can only get better from here.’
I wanted to believe that.
But the worry was heavy in my gut. Not for myself this time, but for Glenn.
‘Andreas isn’t home yet?’ Ben leant against the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.
I shook my head. He’d been gone for almost two hours now.
‘Hmm.’
I sat cross-legged on the bed with my laptop open in front of me. I was trying to study, but I couldn’t focus. It was a futile effort, so I didn’t even know why I kept the damn thing open. The screensaver had flickered on ages ago.
‘Maybe he’s just hanging out with Glenn.’ Ben was trying to see the positive in this, which wasn’t his strong suit either. ‘He can be gone for hours when they’re busy playing video games or football or whatever they do.’
I wanted to believe him. I did. But my chest was tight and it was almost hard to breathe.
Steps could be heard coming down the stairs.
‘Hey, there you are!’ Ben leant away from the door to look into the hall. ‘What’s going on? Alex is a mess.’
I wasn’t a mess.
Was I?
Andreas squeezed past Ben to enter the room. His expression was grave.
I looked away as I felt my eyes sting. He didn’t come bearing good news, I could tell. I just knew it before he even opened his mouth.
‘Marcus was right,’ Andreas said, standing in the middle of the floor. ‘Glenn is in hospital. A psychiatric hospital. He tried to kill himself.’
The silence that descended after that was heavy. It was like no one was even breathing.
A sob left me and I turned fully away so my back was towards them.
‘Alex?’ Andreas’s voice took on a worried tone now and he padded over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged it off, not wanting to be touched.
‘What’s going on?’ Ben asked and I heard him step further into the room as well.
‘I slept with him,’ I said in a shaky voice.
‘Slept with who?’ Andreas didn’t try to touch me again.
‘Glenn.’ And now I’d just outed him to his best friend. But I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore, not now, not when Glenn had almost died.
A heavy silence settled again for a couple of minutes.
‘When did you sleep with him?’ Andreas sounded like he dreaded that answer. He was probably afraid I’d cheated on him.
‘Last summer.’ I buried my face in my hands. ‘We were together for two weeks.’
‘Why only two weeks?’ The mattress dipped as Andreas sat down heavily next to me.
‘I don’t know.’ I shook my head. ‘He broke it off.’ Tears were wetting my hands and my chest was still tight. I still couldn’t breathe properly. I pressed a wet palm to just under my throat, over the middle of my collarbone. ‘I can’t breathe.’
‘Hey, Alex.’ Andreas scooted closer and he touched me again.
This time I didn’t shrug him off. I was in too much of a panic over my lack of breathing.
‘Just try to calm down. Take a deep breath.’ He stroked my back.
‘I—I c-can’t.’
‘I’m getting Thomas,’ Ben said, moving away.
‘Hurry,’ Andreas urged him.
I grabbed my throat now, the tears streaming faster. ‘I c-can’t br-breathe.’ I was choking.
My heart beat heavy in my chest, faster than usual. My throat was choking up and my chest was squeezing tight.
‘Hey, Alex.’ Thomas crouched in front of me. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘He says he can’t breathe,’ Andreas answered for me. That was a good thing because I didn’t think I could speak anymore. My throat was tightening even more. I couldn’t even sob. But the tears still streamed. There was no stopping them.
‘Alex.’ Thomas put his hands on my knees. ‘Try to relax. Focus your attention on each inhale and exhale. You need to slow your breathing. Feel your stomach fill with air as you inhale and count down from four as you exhale. Come on, you can do this.’
I tried to do as he said. Tried to focus on my breathing. But all I could think about was Glenn trying to end his life. Glenn telling me in the kitchen that morning that his brother hit him, that all his interests were a lie, and what he wanted he couldn’t have because it was already taken.
‘Alex.’ Thomas pried my hands off my throat and chest and kept tight hold of them. ‘I know it’s frightening, but you’re likely having an anxiety attack. The symptoms will pass and you’ll be okay. You just need to focus on your breathing so you can calm down. That will help your breathing.’
I closed my eyes and tried to shove every thought of Glenn aside. I focused on my breathing, taking slow inhales and exhales. My throat opened up some so it was easier to breathe and my heart slowed down a little.
‘There you go.’ Andreas stroked my back again. ‘Do you feel better?’
I nodded. I didn’t feel better, but at least I could breathe again. That was good.
‘Is this about the letter?’ Thomas asked, looking intently at me. ‘About your appointment at the DPC?’
I shook my head, eyes stinging as more tears escaped.
‘This is about Glenn,’ Andreas said in a low voice. ‘He tried to kill himself and he’s in hospital.’
Thomas blinked. He hadn’t expected to hear this. ‘Is he going to be okay?’
‘Vivian says so. At least physically.’ Andreas licked his lips. ‘Mentally is another thing.’
‘If he’s in hospital, he’s getting the help he needs.’ Thomas looked at me again. ‘And you need help now too. You can’t wait for two weeks.’ He let my hands go as he straightened up. ‘I’ll go make a phone call. I’ll be back soon.’
Andreas looked after him in confusion. ‘What letter? What appointment? Did you get one at the DPC?’
I nodded briefly. ‘Got the letter today.’ I sniffled, wiping my face. I must look like Sarah had yesterday now, but she had looked prettier than me all cried out and red and blotchy.
‘That’s good.’ He wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
I dared a glance up and to the side. Andreas was gazing straight ahead thoughtfully. Ben was leaning against the sofa, arms crossed over his chest
, and he was frowning at the floor.
‘I’m sorry,’ I offered in a shaky voice.
‘You can’t help how you feel.’ Andreas patted my upper arm with his free hand. ‘Have you experienced anything like this before?’
I shook my head. Never had and never wanted to again. It’d been horrible. Feeling like I was choking… There were certainly better ways to die.
‘What did Glenn do?’ My voice was low.
Andreas drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out again. ‘He swallowed pills.’
A sob left me and I covered my mouth with one hand.
‘He’s going to be okay?’ Ben asked. ‘Pills can do a number on you even if you survive it.’
‘Yeah, Vivian says he’s perfectly okay physically. Had his stomach pumped and all that, but… yeah, he’ll be okay. It’s in here that’s harder.’ He tapped his head. ‘I didn’t even know he was depressed. Shouldn’t I have known that? He’s my best friend.’
‘You didn’t know I was depressed either,’ Ben pointed out, jabbing his thumb against his chest. ‘Because we’re pretty good at hiding the bad shit. At least for a while. Until we completely break down and do something stupid.’
‘But you never tried to—’ Andreas couldn’t say the word.
‘Kill myself?’ Ben swallowed heavily. ‘No. I couldn’t do that. Not after—’ He looked away, his eyes decidedly wet now too.
After Andreas’s dad killed himself, I finished silently. Or did Ben call him Dad too? He’d grown up with Andreas and his sisters, after all. Andreas’s parents were the only parents Ben had ever known.
‘But the cutting got worse,’ Ben continued. ‘So there’s that.’
I tipped into Andreas, and he wrapped his arm better around me. His shoulder was wide and nice to rest my head on. He was warm too. I closed my burning and stinging eyes and just enjoyed his warmth.
‘I’m glad you didn’t do anything like that,’ Andreas said. He was more emotional than I’d ever heard him. He was usually so calm and chill and cheerful. Not right now. There wasn’t a trace of any of that now. ‘It’s bad enough that your mum and my dad succeeded. Jørgen thankfully failed as well.’
His cousin? One of the twins? They were the two cousins on his father’s side I hadn’t met yet. He also had others on his mother’s side.
‘It’s a curse.’ Ben’s reply was almost flippant, only his tone was not. ‘Mental illness and suicide. The fucking curse of the family.’
Andreas never should’ve talked to me. He’d had so much shit happen in his family through the years that he shouldn’t have to deal with a depressed and suicidal wreck of a boyfriend.
But I couldn’t pull away from him. I cared about him too much. He was safe, he was a rock, and he made my life so much better.
Was I selfish to cling to that?
For not wanting it to end?
‘Okay, Alex.’ Thomas came striding back into the room. ‘I called the DPC and your first appointment is on Friday.’
I sat up suddenly, staring at him with wide—and likely red and sore—eyes. ‘This Friday?’
‘Yeah.’ Thomas nodded. ‘We were lucky. Gina had a cancellation just before I rang, so they moved you to that slot.’
I drew in a shaky breath. Should I feel relieved about this? All I felt was dread. But that might not all be because of the DPC. Glenn was still heavy on my mind, weighing down my emotions.
‘Thank you.’ I bowed my head, a couple of tars escaping. They were all so good to me. I didn’t deserve it. But I was eternally grateful for it. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘Nothing to thank me for, Alex,’ he said. ‘Everyone should have the right to help when they need it. Not months later.’
It’d already been over a month since I broke down in front of him and confessed everything. Well, almost everything. Everything about me.
Except I had just spilt the beans about Glenn.
He was going to hate me for that when he came back to school. I just knew he would. I’d made a promise not to tell anyone and I had broken it.
I deserved his anger.
I might’ve made everything worse for him too.
Just to relieve my guilt.
‘Do you like Glenn?’
There was the question I’d been waiting for him to ask for hours.
We were lounging on the bed, watching a film on the telly. A couple of hours had passed since my breakdown and I’d been in bed since. So had he, but he hadn’t asked me anything after my confession. Not until now.
‘I don’t know.’ I couldn’t lie to him. ‘I did last year. Those two weeks together were great. But he ended it and he wasn’t nice about it.’ That had hurt.
‘What’d he do?’ Andreas turned over on his side, forgetting all about the film.
‘Just said we were over.’ I turned over too. I felt I should face him when I told him all this. ‘And dropped all contact.’
‘This was last summer?’
‘Yeah.’ I didn’t quite dare look him in the eye. I didn’t know how he felt about this, about me having been with Glenn long before I met him.
‘What happened when school started again?’
‘Nothing.’ Absolutely nothing. ‘He ignored me.’
‘And you liked him?’
‘I did, yeah.’
‘An before he ended it, he was nice to you?’
‘Yeah.’ He hadn’t been nasty once in the first thirteen days.
‘So what changed?’ Andreas sounded honestly curious. Not put off or peeved or anything.
‘I don’t know.’ We’d been alone for fourteen days straight, mostly in his room, but we’d eaten in the kitchen without anyone disturbing us. ‘I think his parents came home from holiday.’
‘Marcus travelled with their parents last summer.’ Andreas turned thoughtful.
‘That would do it, I guess.’ I chewed my bottom lip. I hadn’t told Andreas about the confrontation at the cabin. ‘Do you know he beats him?’
‘I know they fight, yeah.’ Andreas looked back at me.
‘No, I mean, he beats him. Glenn had bruised on his body last summer… and he told me a few days ago that they were a goodbye gift from Marcus.’
‘When did you and Glenn have a deep conversation?’ Andreas’s brows drew together in a slight frown.
‘When Sarah was home hung-over and the rest of you were off skiing.’ I swallowed. ‘We had a little… confrontation, I guess, in the kitchen. He wasn’t—he wasn’t doing so well. He said—well, he said Marcus put those bruises on him. It’s a common thing, apparently.’
‘The fuck.’ Andreas’s lips pressed together. ‘He never told me that. When they fight, I always had the impression it was mutual. Glenn shows up with a black eye from time to time, but he hits Marcus too.’
‘I think Marcus gets more hits in than Glenn.’ I had revealed so much now, I might as well just spill the rest too. ‘He also told me he doesn’t enjoy football and the gym and all of that. He only does it because it’s what you and Peter enjoy.’
‘What does he like then?’ It seemed I was rocking Andreas’s world right now, turning everything upside-down. ‘He’s never once told me any of this. We would’ve done other things together if he doesn’t enjoy it. We don’t have to play football or lift weights.’
‘I think he’s been pretending for a long time.’ I slid one arm under a pillow to hug it close. ‘It’s hard to change when you’ve been stuck in something for so long.’
‘You recognise yourself in him?’
‘I guess, yeah.’ But it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t pretending to like things I didn’t. ‘I’ve been alone for so long. I’ve never had friends, though I have wanted to have them. It’s awkward talking to people now, getting to know them. I don’t know how to act. What to say.’
‘I think you’re doing great.’ He reached out and brushed some hair away from my forehead. ‘You don’t have a problem talking to me.’
‘Because I like you.’ I smiled sheepishly. ‘
It’s worse with your friends. Or my coworkers.’
‘You’re getting close to Sarah,’ he pointed out kindly.
‘Yeah. I am.’ I liked Sarah too. In a different way than how I liked Andreas, obviously, but… ‘That was mostly her doing though.’
‘I think you’re selling yourself a little short.’ He took my free hand in his and tangled our fingers.
‘You’re not…’ I was afraid to ask the question. Or afraid of the answer, was more like it. ‘You’re not angry I didn’t tell you?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I promised him not to tell anyone.’ I hated that I had broken the promise. But at the same time, things had gotten so bad for Glenn he’d tried to end his life. Something needed to change. Maybe being outed to his best friend would be a good thing for him. I could hope for that, at least.
‘I get that. That you made a promise and wanted to keep it.’ He squeezed my hand. ‘So no, I’m not angry. If I knew you had a history with Glenn though, I might not have, you know, been so…’ He searched for the right words, grimacing in frustration when he couldn’t find them. ‘I wouldn’t have shagged you the day I met you.’
‘But you would’ve shagged me eventually?’ That’s what it sounded like.
He sighed, smiling a little. ‘Not if I knew Glenn had a thing for you.’
‘I was so sure he hated me.’ I stared at our tangled fingers.
‘But now you’re not?’
‘I don’t know.’ His words… I wasn’t sure I trusted myself in believing what I thought they meant.
‘I think he likes you. I’ve been thinking that all winter holiday.’ He pursed his lips slightly as I looked at him. ‘Or at least since Spin the Bottle.’
‘Since we kissed?’
‘Yeah.’ He scooted a little closer. ‘So my question is, do you like Glenn?’
‘And I still don’t know.’ I glanced up at him. ‘I do know I like you.’
‘Can’t say I’m not happy hearing that.’ He grinned. It wasn’t a particularly happy one though. ‘I do hate the fact I moved in on you if Glenn already had feelings for you, though.’
