by Tina T. Kove
‘He never told you, so how could you know?’ Andreas was not the one who should be feeling guilty. None of this was his fault.
‘He’s my best friend. I’ve known him forever.’ He stared past my shoulder at the wall. ‘I should’ve known something was up.’
‘As Ben said, we’re pretty good at hiding the bad things.’ It was my turn to scoot closer to him. We were almost chest to chest now. ‘Leo never knew what was going on with me.’
He sighed heavily, then smiled slightly and drew me into an embrace. ‘You’re probably right. I’ve never had anything to hide, so I can’t know what it’s like to struggle like that.’
‘Can you visit Glenn?’ It would do him good to visit his best friend, make sure he was at least physically okay. I wasn’t sure Glenn wanted me to visit him, but I would go if I was wanted. I wanted to make sure he was okay too even if we weren’t friends.
‘Vivian says he doesn’t want any visitors.’ Andreas’s lips turned down slightly. ‘Besides, he’s not even in town. He was admitted to the big psychiatric centre an hour away.’
Okay, that would make visiting harder.
‘Are we okay?’ I asked then, barely daring to look at him.
‘We’re okay,’ he assured me, proving it with a soft kiss. ‘You say you like me. And I like you too. I’d say we’re very okay.’
A small laugh left me and I leaned up again for another kiss.
At least I hadn’t ruined this with my conflicting feelings. Because this was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. I didn’t want to let him go, not for anything, not ever.
Friday, March 1st
‘Ugh.’ Sarah death-glared at Peter.
She’d moved on from her sad, inconsolable stage from Tuesday and had landed straight on angry. Whenever she saw Peter now… well, if looks could kill, he’d be a thousand times dead.
‘They’re headed towards the cafeteria.’
They were Andreas and Peter. I’d opted to spend my lunches the past three days with Sarah since she was the one hurting the most in all of this. Not that Peter seemed in tip-top shape at the moment, either, but he was the one who had hurt her. I didn’t feel particularly bad for him, to be honest.
‘Want to go over to the kiosk and buy something? I didn’t bring lunch.’ Sarah pulled her jacket out of her locker.
‘Okay.’ We headed over to my locker to get my jacket, then we headed out into the cold February winter afternoon. The kiosk was only across the street, so we didn’t have to go far.
I was too nervous to eat anything, so I only stood back as Sarah got a chicken wrap.
‘Is it too cold to eat outside?’ She didn’t want to go to the cafeteria.
‘It’s pretty cold, yeah.’ But our lunch period was only half an hour, so if she didn’t want to go inside, I’d stay outside with her.
‘We can sit in the hall?’ she suggested then.
That sounded better, so we headed back over the road to the side-door leading to the first-floor classrooms.
‘Have you heard anything more about Glenn?’ She unwrapped her food carefully.
‘No. He’s not answering Andreas’s text or calls. Maybe he’s not allowed to have a phone at the hospital.’ I’d never been in a psychiatric hospital before, so I didn’t know the rules.
‘Or maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone.’ She leant her head back against the wall. ‘I can’t believe he tried to do that. He must’ve suffered for a long time and I’ve just been thinking about him as a selfish dick.’
‘You couldn’t know what was going on in his head.’ Especially not while it had only seemed Glenn was off because I was around. Because he didn’t want me around.
‘Ending your life… that’s pretty permanent.’ She stared glumpy down at her wrap. Maybe she didn’t have an appetite seeing as she hadn’t taken one bite out of it yet.
‘Yeah.’ I refrained from telling her I had considered that only a month and a half ago too. ‘It is.’
‘I also can’t believe Marcus told the truth.’ She grimaced, hopefully at the thought of Marcus. ‘And that he didn’t say anything to you.’
‘I wasn’t expecting an apology.’ As soon as I’d seen him I’d wanted to run away, but Sarah had been on a mission to talk to Glenn and I couldn’t abandon her.
‘No, I mean, weird he didn’t say anything else nasty, considering what he did to you.’ She wrapped up her food again. ‘ Maybe he thought you’d gone straight since you were with me.’
I laughed out loud. ‘Yeah, right. Me, straight?’ I shook my head.
‘Hey, you never know what goes through that twisted mind of his.’
‘I don’t want to think about Marcus.’ If I had had an appetite right now, I would’ve lost it thinking about him.
‘I understand that.’ She thudded her head back against the wall again. ‘Wish I could stop thinking about Peter. Not that our situations are the same or anything.’ She added that last part quickly as she glanced at me.
‘Well, they both hurt us, just in vastly different ways.’ I’d been the victim of a hate crime and she’d been cheated on by her boyfriend.
‘You’re too nice, Alex.’ She smiled sadly. ‘Your situation is way worse. I’ll survive this unscathed, but you got actual scars.’
‘I already have a lot of those, so…’ I shrugged. I didn’t think too much about the scar on my forehead nowadays. Maybe because my hair was too long and it covered it unless I styled it out of the way. Or maybe because I wasn’t a fan of looking at myself in the mirror on the best of days.
‘What’re you doing after school today?’
‘I’m working this weekend.’ Which today might be both a good thing and a bad thing. ‘It’s Thomas’s birthday, so I think they’re all having dinner together.’ And when I said all, I meant everyone. If I hadn’t had the late shift at work, I would meet the rest of Andreas’s family and it was sort of nerve-wracking as hell. Hence why I was sort of relieved about work, for once.
‘When’s your birthday?’
‘Third of March.’ Only a few days to go until I was officially nineteen. Not that nineteen would feel any differently than eighteen. I was still in high school. Nothing would change yet.
‘Mine’s in May. Right smack in the middle of russ celebrations.’
‘You’re going to have one hell of a birthday, then?’ Was she the sort of type to celebrate her birthdays? I had no idea. She did have two sisters with the same birthdate, after all.
She blew out a breath. ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m low-key, as are my sisters. I doubt we’ll make a big deal out of it. Mum and Dad might come to town with cake though, so that’s something to look forward to.’ She grinned at the thought. ‘Cake’s always good.’
‘That’s nice.’ I’d never really celebrated my birthday. Kamilla had used to buy a cake when she was still around, but once it was just Leo and me… we hadn’t bothered with that. We rang or texted on the day if we weren’t already together. ‘Your sisters… they don’t go to this school?’ I’d never seen her talk to anyone who looked related to her.
‘Nope. They’re both doing vocational. I’m the only one who wanted to do Media and Communications. They are in their third year too though, since they decided they wanted to have their general university admissions certification anyway.’ She laughed. ‘Too bad on them for not doing General Studies from the get-go. Now they have to have, like, ten hours of Norwegian a week. Everything is condensed into one year, so they have a lot to do. We’re all chill compared to them.’ She seemed happy about that.
‘You don’t feel bad for them?’ Ten hours of Norwegian every week sounded like hell. And I liked most of my classes, but four or five hours a week of them was more than enough.
‘Not one bit.’ She grinned again. ‘Mie’s been doing art for two years. How hard has that been, right? There are pros and cons of vocational, I guess. They can start their apprenticeships after two yea
rs as long as they don’t take an extra year of General Studies. I have to do higher education to get a job I want, so lots of student loans for me while they could just start working right away.’
‘Are they going to do that?’
‘Iben, maybe.’ She pursed her lips thoughtfully. ‘But Mie wants to be a teacher, so she has to do higher education. She’s applied to Aarvik. That’s where you’re going too, yeah?’
‘I hope so.’ I was looking forward to living close to Leo, even if it meant I’d have to spend an entire year away from Andreas.
‘I have Aarvik on my application too.’ She sighed now, the good mood bleeding out of her. ‘The plan was for me to move to Trondheim and start my first year while Peter was in the military. Then he’d join me a year later. But that’s down the drain now, so I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll head to Aarvik too. A smaller town and just as good of a graphic design education. It’s win-win really.’
‘I wouldn’t mind if you came to Aarvik as well.’ It meant I could hang out with Sarah for another year.
‘Yeah?’ She smiled a little again now as her head rotated towards me. ‘Maybe I’ll move it up to first place. Trondheim has soured for me now thanks to that dick.’
That dick being Peter.
‘Leo likes it there.’
‘I hear it has a really good student community.’ Sarah bobbed her head in thought. ‘There are as many students as there are locals, so it’s a really small town. I guess you get a better, tighter community than in a big city. Also, I have cousins there, and they seem to like it even if they’re only in high school.’
‘My cousin’s there too.’ I had been texting back and forth with Andreas this week. Not a lot. He didn’t particularly enjoy writing either, but at least we kept in contact. At least he hadn’t only been nice that first time he answered me.
Leo had already met him and they’d hit it off.
‘So we both know people there. That’s awes—’
The bell rang, disrupting Sarah’s sentence.
‘I have to go.’ I jumped up and hoisted my backpack on my back.
‘Good luck with your appointment.’ She rose too, smiling at me.
I’d told her yesterday I was going to the DPC today, so it didn’t come as a surprise to her.
‘See you later. Or next week.’ I waved as I turned and walked away.
A car was idling next to the parking lot outside and I hurried up to it and got into the passenger seat.
‘Have you been waiting long?’ I asked Thomas.
‘No. Just arrived.’ He drove off as soon as I had my seatbelt on. ‘Are you nervous?’
‘Yeah.’ My stomach was acting up now I didn’t have Sarah to distract me.
‘There’s not much to be nervous about.’ He gave me a reassuring smile as we came to a crossing and he slowed the car. ‘Gina is nice. You’ll be comfortable with her.’
I wasn’t sure I believed that. I wasn’t comfortable around anyone, sans my brother and Andreas and Sarah, strangely enough. I hadn’t known her long at all, not like this.
‘So today will determine if I get another appointment anytime soon?’
‘It’s an assessment, yeah.’ We were out on the main road now. ‘As long as you tell her everything, you will get another appointment, Alex. Just don’t make everything seem not as bad as they are just because you’re having a good period now. Tell her exactly how you’ve been feeling, what you’ve been dealing with. Be truthful. She’s there to help.’
I rested my forehead against the window. It was cold, but it was good since I was all sweaty and nervous.
The closer we came, the more nervous I got and, too soon, we were there.
‘Do you want me to come in with you?’
‘No, that’s—’ I swallowed as I looked up at the white building. It didn’t seem scary at all, but what I was there for was scary as hell. ‘I’ll be okay. You can’t come all the way in with me anyway, so no point in you sitting here waiting.’ I was technically an adult. I could handle myself.
‘Okay. If you’re sure.’ Thomas regarded me. Maybe he was looking for lies. ‘I’ll do some errands and I’ll be back to get you in about an hour.’
‘Okay. Thanks.’ My hand shook as I reached out to open the door. I clenched my fists and got out, telling myself sternly this was something I had to do. This was the way to get better. ‘Bye,’ I offered lamely before I shut the door.
I licked my lips as I stared up at the building again. So unassuming.
Someone excited the sliding doors and hurried down the steps.
‘Hey, Adrian,’ I said before I could think.
He stopped abruptly and stared at me with wide eyes. Then he turned slightly to look back at the building he’d just exited from before he looked at me again.
I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Maybe he didn’t want anyone to know he went to therapy too.
‘Are you going in?’ he asked in a low, unsure voice. Adrian was even more socially inept than me if that was even possible.
‘Working myself up to it.’ I gripped the straps of my backpack tight.
Adrian glanced from the building to me again, then bowed his head. ‘First time?’
‘Is it that obvious?’ My smile was shaky and not all that genuine. I was too nervous. I didn’t think I’d ever been as nervous before as I was right now.
‘It’s not too bad.’
He should know, right?
I looked at my phone. It was two minutes until my appointment.
‘I have to go in.’ I took a couple of steps.
‘Good luck,’ he offered. ‘You’ll be fine. See you at work tonight?’
‘Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there.’ My shifts with Adrian were always my favourites. Not because we talked a lot or anything, but because we could be silent together without it being awkward. And I could ask him to switch so I didn’t have to do one thing all shift. That was harder with some of my mother coworkers.
‘See you.’ He put on headphones and walked away.
I walked inside before I could talk myself out of it.
‘Hi,’ I said to the lady in the reception. ‘Alexander Eknes. I have an appointment now?’
She checked on her computer before smiling at me. ‘Just take a seat in the waiting room. Gina will come to get you soon.’
‘Thanks.’ I had no idea where the waiting room was, but the corridor ahead seemed to be all doors. I took a right and was met with a room full of sofas and chairs. The waiting room.
I breathed out in relief as I sat down tentatively on a two-seater sofa. A couple of other people were waiting too, but none were looking at me. After a cursory glance around I didn’t look at them again either.
A man appeared in the doorway, looking around. One of the other people waiting got up and shuffled over to him, and they walked off together. It was not his first time, apparently.
My stomach was hurting. It felt like I was about to be sick, but I knew it was just nerves. I always felt like this going to my GP too—and I’d had her for years. It wasn’t as bad as this because I did know her… but I would soon have a new GP too since my old one wasn’t very good.
‘Eknes?’ a female voice called.
I jumped to my feet.
The woman standing in the doorway wasn’t old. She was maybe in her thirties somewhere. She wasn’t older than forty, at least.
‘Hi.’ She smiled. ‘I’m Gina.’ She held out her hand.
‘Alex.’ I shook her hand.
‘You prefer the shortened version of your name?’ She motioned for me to follow her.
‘Yeah.’ No one ever used my full name. Hearing and saying my full name was just weird by now since I wasn’t used to it.
‘Here we are.’ She pushed open the door of an office and stood back so I could move into it first.
There was a small round table in there, with a chair on each side of it. There was also a chair next to the desk, so I hovered awkwardly, not sure where to sit.
; ‘You take a seat over there, Alex.’ She pointed at the chair next to the desk.
I did take a seat, dropping my backpack at my feet.
She sat down on the rolling chair and started typing on her computer.
‘Your doctor sent us a referral.’ Her eyes moved, presumably reading said referral. ‘You’ve been struggling a lot lately?’
I nodded.
‘Want to tell me about it?’ She turned to me now, expression open and friendly. ‘I’ve read the referral, obviously, but I’d like to hear your story from you.’
My gaze flickered nervously.
‘You can say no wrong here, Alex.’ She smiled again. ‘I’m here to help you.’
Help…
Yeah, that was what I was here for. To get help.
I started talking.
‘How did it go?’ Andreas threw his backpack away as he entered the bedroom. He climbed on the bed and plopped himself down next to me, who was stretched out on it.
‘It went… fine.’ That wasn’t the right word. It hadn’t been a fine experience. It’d been hard, and there’d been tears and lots of rambled words that I hoped she managed to make sense of.
‘Did she say anything? Did you get a diagnosis? What’s going to happen now?’ He splayed a hand over my chest.
‘She can’t put a diagnosis down after only one session.’ I chewed lightly on my lower lip. ‘I’ll need to see her more.’
‘So you’ll get more appointments with her?’
‘Very likely, yeah. They have a team meeting every week and they were going to talk about me then, but she was positive I’d be back.’ How did I feel about that? I didn’t know. It’d been scary as hell going in there and telling her my whole life story, but… in the end, it’d hopefully do me good.
‘No talk about medications?’
‘Not today, no.’ I hadn’t asked either. I didn’t want it to seem like I just wanted to be drugged and have that fix my problems. Even though it might work. I knew I had other stuff to work out that medication couldn’t ever sort out though.
‘Did you think it was good? Did you hate it?’
He was just full of questions right now. And I wasn’t in the headspace to think about them properly.
