LONG LOST

by Brent, Cora

  I was nine when he died. Rafe was twelve. I went to the funeral but Rafe refused and promised to throw a tantrum if anyone tried to force him. Soon after that Rafe started getting into trouble and almost immediately my mom threw up her hands and quit trying to stop him. A few months ago he got hauled into the police station because he stole a car but the football coach paid a visit to the chief and Rafe was released with a warning not to do anything like that again. I worry about my brother. I worry about him even though I can’t stand him. It’s a weird way to feel.

  Once when we were at the meteor crater, Caris asked me if I knew that her mom had grown up in Arcana and I had to think about it for a few minutes. I remember hearing the name Suzanne Chapel and I remember that my parents went to high school with her but they were never friends.

  Caris frowned and said her mom was still in a Dallas hospital. When she asked her dad if she could visit he said that wasn’t a good idea yet. Then she dropped the subject and said we should go to the museum and get some sodas from the vending machine. We spent the rest of that afternoon in the air conditioned comfort of the museum, looking at dusty rock exhibits.

  This morning I’m supposed to meet Caris at the playground at nine. In summertime the days blend together and I’ve forgotten that it’s Saturday. My mom is home and sitting at the kitchen table in her rose colored satin bathroom with a rip on the left sleeve. I think the robe was a gift from my father but I can’t remember for sure.

  She doesn’t look up when I start searching the cabinets.

  “Are we out of cereal?” I ask.

  She yawns. “Probably.”

  I wait for a few seconds for her to speak again but she simply looks out the window and puffs on her cigarette. She never washed off her makeup last night and now it’s smeared on her face. Her boyfriend works at the oil field ten miles outside town and he never stays over here. She sleeps at his place a lot and the rest of the time she’s working at the nail salon so I hardly ever see her.

  “Are you going grocery shopping today?” I ask because a search of the cabinets has yielded almost nothing worth eating.

  The question annoys her. “I don’t know. Maybe, if I have time. There are some graham crackers on the counter. Eat those.”

  I eat the crackers dry and wash them down with the last of the milk. While I’m wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, Rafe barges in through the door. I’m not surprised that he’s just coming home now. When he’s around I almost always sleep on the sofa because it’s a pain to be stuck in the same tiny room with him. Last night he never came home so I got to sleep in my own bed.

  My mother, however, is surprised to see him. Obviously she assumed he was snoring away in his bed. Her eyes narrow as she takes in the disheveled appearance of her oldest son. She likes Rafe far less than she likes me. The fact that he looks more like our dad every day might have something to do with that. She’s forever muttering that he’s ‘such a goddamn Hempstead’, which sucks because it’s one thing to hear that from people in town but quite another to hear it from your own freaking mother. Rafe never appears to care but I care.

  Rafe shoves me out of the way and hunts for a clean glass without greeting anyone and our mother sputters in the background.

  “Raiford, what in the hell are you doing? Did you stay out all night?”

  He fills the glass with tap water and drinks, ignoring the fact that anyone else is even in the room.

  My mother sighs and taps her long fingernails on the table. No matter how tired or messed up she looks, her fingernails are always perfectly manicured and studded with sparkly accents. Rafe still says nothing so she turns her attention back to me.

  “You’re dressed already. Are you going out today?”

  “Soon.”

  “Where?”

  “I’m meeting a friend.”

  “What friend?” She yawns again.

  Rafe decides to join the conversation. “Limp Dick’s got himself a girlfriend.”

  My mother takes interest. A slight smile even crosses her face. “Really, Jonathan?”

  “No.” I’m sure my face is red. “We’re just friends.”

  “What’s her name?”

  I’m reluctant to share any details. “Her name’s Caris.”

  “Caris what?”

  I have to think for a second and then remember Caris has told me this information before. “Marano.”

  I’m glad she doesn’t have the Chapel last name. That would be tough to explain.

  “Is she pretty?”

  “God Mom, I don’t know.”

  But I do know. She is pretty.

  Rafe belches. “Too bad she don’t have any tits yet.”

  “Raiford!” My mother slaps her hand on the table. “Don’t use that language!”

  He chuckles. “Why, you think I’ve never seen tits before? I messed around with a few last night. Hell, I bet Limp Dick over here has even seen real tits a time or two.”

  I don’t know why he says things like that. I’ve never kissed a girl, let alone seen one without her shirt on.

  My mother drops her head into her hands. “Why?” she moans. “What did I do to deserve this?”

  She’s tired. She’s tired of this trailer and this life. I’m starting to believe that she’s also tired of being a mother.

  Rafe decides to remove his shirt right there in the kitchen. He’s got hickeys all over his neck and he smells like beer. He tosses the shirt on a chair. It’s his football jersey, the new one he got at the end of the school year. It has his nickname printed across the back.

  Killer.

  That’s his nickname.

  Because he destroys opponents on the field when he charges into them like a bloodthirsty warrior.

  Killer.

  Rafe thinks it’s funny.

  It’s not funny.

  My mother snatches his shirt and throws it back at him. “Don’t leave your damn dirty laundry lying around for me to pick up.”

  “Fuck you,” Rafe spits over his shoulder and leaves the room.

  A few seconds later the bathroom door opens and then slams shut.

  “That boy,” my mother mutters, shaking her head.

  Thanks to Rafe she’s in a bad mood now but I don’t know when we’ll run into each other again. She’ll probably be at Wayne’s house by the time I find my way back here this evening.

  “Hey, Mom?” I slide into the chair opposite hers.

  “What?” She’s pinching the sides of her temples, obviously in the throes of a blossoming headache.

  “Can I please have some money? You know, to get food or whatever.”

  Whenever she leaves money here for us Rafe often finds it first and won’t give me any.

  The politeness of my request has satisfied her enough to be a little generous. She takes out all the cash in her wallet and hands it over. Three tens and two fives. I stick it all in my back pocket right away. I’m ridiculously happy to have the money. Caris ends up paying for stuff way too often because I’m usually down to nickels and pennies.

  “Jonathan, are you having a good summer so far?” she asks.

  “Sure.” I clear my throat because there’s a question I want to ask her and I’m not sure how it will be received. “Hey Mom, did you know Suzanne Chapel in school? The daughter of-”

  “I know who she is.” Her face has changed, grown pale. “Where’d you hear her name?”

  “Uh, I don’t know. Just around town I guess.”

  She grunts. “Someone was shooting their mouth off most likely. Suzanne had a shitty start in life for sure but that doesn’t excuse what she tried to do to your father. I guess it was her form of revenge or maybe she’s really as crazy as everyone says.”

  I have no idea what she’s talking about. Naturally Suzanne would not have been friendly with the son of her parents’ murderer. My mother’s tense reaction indicates there’s more to the story than that.

  She leans forward and fastens her tired eyes on me. “You listen t
o me, Jonathan. Your father had a hell of a lot of flaws but one thing I’ll say about the man is that he always owned up to whatever he did. And when he heard what that girl went around saying about him after all he tried to help her, well, he was outraged. And people believed it of course. It didn’t matter that Suzanne never went to the cops and your father was never arrested. Too many people just believed it anyway.” She stabs her long fingernail in the air. “Let this be a lesson for you. Don’t you believe everything you hear.”

  I nod. I still haven’t a clue what’s going on. Or what my father could possibly have done to Caris’s mother. “Okay.”

  She leans back in her chair and ties her belt robe tighter. She’s scowling now, looking out the small kitchen window and thinking about things that are probably upsetting.

  I push my chair back. “I’m gonna go now.”

  “Fine.” She’s still staring out the window and runs a hand through her auburn curls. She dies her hair. She’s really a blonde. “You’ll behave yourself, won’t you?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I always behave myself. I’ve never even had detention at school.

  After all the family weirdness I can’t wait to bolt from the house. I run all the way over to the elementary school playground and find Caris has beaten me there. She’s on one of the swings, twisting slowly around so the chain curls up. When she lets go she’ll spin in fast circles. I used to do that all the time but haven’t done it for years.

  “Hi!” She’s always so happy to see me. She pulls her foot up and allows herself to spin with her hair fanning out. She laughs the whole time and I laugh too because watching her does something magical inside my chest. I already know I won’t say a thing about the mystery my mom hinted about this morning, about my father and her mother.

  I plunk down on the empty swing beside her.

  “You okay?” Her head’s cocked and she’s studying me.

  “Yeah.” I force a grin. “Rafe was just being a dick this morning.”

  “Oh.” She nods knowingly. She’s already suffered the misfortune of encountering Rafe. My cheeks burn when I remember the things he said to her, and about her.

  “Wouldn’t it be funny if someday you guys end up being really close?” she asks.

  I snort with laughter because I can’t imagine being buddies with Rafe. “That’s not likely.”

  Caris won’t stop looking on the bright side. “You never know. After all, a brother is a brother.”

  I agree grudgingly. “A brother is a brother.” Then I remember I’ve got cash burning a hole in my pocket. “Let’s go take the bus to the mall today. I’ll buy you lunch since you’re always buying stuff for me.”

  She bites her lip and tucks some loose hair behind one ear. The look she gives me isn’t one I’m used to seeing from her. “You’re going to take me out to lunch, Johnny?”

  She sounds playful, flirty. Suddenly I feel grown up.

  “Sure. You pick the place when we get to the mall.”

  “Great! Let’s go now. We’ll wait at the bus stop until it shows up.”

  She hops off the swing and I follow.

  Obviously the summer will end eventually and she’ll return to Dallas but I have a crazy thought that she’ll want to stay here with her aunt in Arcana. We could go to school together, make plans together. I know it’s a dumb thought because her parents are the kind of parents who will want her back.

  But I wish things could be different.

  I wish she would always be with me.

  Caris

  Jay hasn’t said a word to me about the Alden disaster even though we’ve been working side by side at the bakery since six o’clock this morning. Of course, Shane was there too plus there was a ton of work to do between all the baking and dealing with customers so an ideal time to discuss psycho ex semi-boyfriends never came up.

  Lana told me last night that Shane would understand if I wanted to take the day off. I did not want to take the day off. Sitting home alone and stewing about the malevolent look in Alden’s eyes wouldn’t do me a bit of good.

  Surprisingly, I slept well. Lana and Shane stayed in her bedroom so I wouldn’t feel alone and that was nice of them but it was really the idea of Jay being close by on the other side of the house that made me rest more peacefully.

  Today, however, Jay is back to being his tight-lipped self. He grunts out a one word answer when I ask him a question and is all business throughout the morning rush.

  “Need another batch of chocolate chip cookies,” I call back to the kitchen when I notice there is only one left in the bin.

  He looks up from the prep counter, delivers a curt nod, and says nothing.

  Every now and then I get a little embarrassed when I remember that not only did he need to hurl Alden into a wall but he also saw me naked and shaking and crying.

  When there’s only an hour left until closing Shane says he needs to run out for a few minutes. I remind him that he still ought to look over the invoices and make sure they’re right before I pay them and he bobs his head but I have a prediction that I’ll be reminding him again tomorrow.

  “You doing okay, Caris?” Shane asks me before leaving.

  I smile. “Did Lana tell you to ask me that?”

  She’s already called twice today to check up on me. It’s sweet and I feel loved.

  “She did.” His grin is slightly sheepish.

  “I’m fine. Thanks Shane.”

  The bakery is currently empty of customers and once Shane closes the door the silence is overpowering. Jay is presumably still back there in the kitchen. He must work very quietly.

  I don’t want to harass him if he prefers to keep his distance so I start straightening up a few things on the counter. I’m refilling the napkin dispenser when the door opens and I look up to greet the arriving customer.

  “Hey.”

  He’s looking sorrowful and exhausted as he stands there with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his khaki shorts. He stays by the door and hesitates to take another step.

  My hands crush the pile of napkins. “Alden, what the hell do you want?”

  Something crashes in the kitchen. A split second later the door separating the kitchen from the rest of the bakery swings open and Jay thunders into the room.

  He makes a beeline for Alden and growls, “I’ll give you a three second head start, fucker, and then all bets are off.”

  “Whoa!” Alden holds up his hands in surrender. “Cool it, I’m not here to cause trouble.”

  Jay lunges but I stop him by placing a hand on his chest. His rock hard, extremely muscular chest.

  “Jay, it’s okay. I don’t think he’ll do anything.”

  Alden is still holding up his hands, like he’s begging someone not to shoot. “No, I’m really not here for another ass kicking.” He extends a hand. “No hard feelings dude, okay?”

  Jay scowls. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Uh.” Alden pulls his hand back and switches his gaze to me. “Can we talk?”

  Jay spits out an answer first. “You’re out of your motherfucking frat boy mind if you think I’m leaving her here alone with you.”

  Alden winces and raises an eyebrow at me. “Caris?”

  I set the crushed napkins down. “We can talk.”

  I remind myself that this is Alden, who I’ve spent a lot of time with and almost had sex with on multiple occasions. Sometimes he makes me laugh and sometimes he’s annoying but I’ve never felt uncomfortable with him.

  Until yesterday.

  The look in his eyes. The things he said. The way his fingers dug into my flesh.

  I’ll never forget. And I know I’m right never to forget.

  “We can talk,” I repeat. “But I would prefer if Jay stays in the room.”

  Jay crosses his arms and stays planted in the same spot. My bodyguard. He glowers at Alden with sheer loathing.

  Alden frowns a little over being required to keep Jay eight feet away but recovers and clears his throat. “I
tried calling you a bunch of times.”

  “I blocked you.”

  He scratches his head and thinks for a moment before speaking. “Look, I’m really so very sorry for how I acted. I had too much to drink. I’m not proud of myself at all.”

  “You shouldn’t be. Jesus, Alden. What the hell?”

  He nods and swallows hard. “Yeah. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry. All right, you’re sorry.”

  “I never meant for things to go down that way. I really like you a lot, Caris. I’ve always liked you. Hell, I might even be willing to do the boyfriend thing if you’d just give a little.”

  My jaw drops. “Are you serious?”

  Alden fails to catch the sarcasm, and disgust, in my voice. He flashes a bright smile and closes in.

  “Yeah, I’m serious. We could still try that if you think you could let this go.”

  “I have no desire to be your girlfriend, Alden. I don’t even want to be your friend anymore.”

  His smile vanishes. I tense, waiting for the anger I saw in his face last night, but it doesn’t come. He looks genuinely hurt, like he can’t believe I’m refusing his generous relationship offer.

  “If that’s the way you feel…”

  “It is.”

  “Okay.” He shoots me one last wounded glance and then exits through the glass door.

  I sigh with relief that he’s gone and lean against the counter for support.

  Jay hasn’t moved from his post but now instead of scowling at Alden he’s watching me.

  “You all right?” he asks and I can hear the same gentleness in his voice that I heard last night. Underneath all the gruff attitude and rude comments he’s not a bad guy.