Alyona's Voice

by Joan Shirley-Davies

  Claudia frowned. ‘What is it?’

  Fraser flipped through the magazine and stopped at a double page feature. ‘Pictures…of you.’

  Claudia expelled a gentle laugh. ‘I don’t think so. Nobody’s asked me for any pictures since I was 14, and why would they?’

  ‘You should look.’

  Claudia peered at it as if it was going to sting her, and she drew a sharp breath as if it had.

  Lizzy leaned over, and Jenny moved from her seat to get a clearer view.

  ‘What’s it all about?’ Lizzy said.

  ‘It’s my mother,’ Claudia said, her voice was flat and unemotional. The headline read, Successful LA casting agent Elsa Hamilton, tells of heartbreak over estranged daughter. It was a huge spread, several pages, pictures of Claudia when she was a small child, and one as a 12-year-old sitting up in a tree. In the largest picture, she was a little older and on horseback, her wild, curly hair flying, her face beaming as she raised her Stetson hat in the air. The horse was rearing. The large print below it said, Claudie Hamilton—English Girl on the Ranch.

  Lizzy pointed to a small picture. ‘Oh! And look at that little princess. Is that you? Your eyes look so sad.’

  ‘I told you, my mother had a casting agency. Somebody was looking for a bright four year old who could deliver a few simple lines of Russian dialogue, and if she had lots of curly hair, it would be an advantage. It was a no-brainer. Little Claudie Hamilton was a busy girl after that. I wasn’t very co-operative, but my mother always managed to persuade me―one way or another. Some kids are brilliant, and they’re really up for it, but I didn’t want to do it.’

  ‘You looked happy enough on that horse,’ Fraser commented.

  ‘He was a real pro, he was trained, but my mother wouldn’t allow me to do any stunts on horseback. On that occasion, we were shooting stills to promote the last series. The photographer said, “Make it look interesting, Claudie.” I reared the horse up, the photographer was delighted, but Mother was furious. That’s what made me laugh.’

  It seemed that Elsa Hamilton had managed to fast track the process of getting her story in the magazine, but that wasn’t surprising. She would have found a way.

  ‘There’s more,’ Fraser said as he turned the page.

  ‘Who are these two guys?’ Jenny said.

  ‘The small man, sitting on the ranch fence by me, is Lennie. He played a stableman. We were good friends.’

  ‘And the tall, lean cowboy standing by you?’ Fraser prompted.

  Claudia became silent. She could sense her mother closing in on her, creeping nearer with all the power she needed to threaten that, which was so precious. She felt sick. She had made no progress in her plan to win this battle, and her nemesis was way ahead of her. ‘Please,’ Claudia said, ‘this isn’t easy for me. All this is part of my mother’s plan.’

  Fraser’s brow puckered a moment. ‘Plan, what do you mean?’

  ‘She has no idea where I am, but she’s looking for me. This is designed to encourage people to give her information about where to find me. Somebody’s going to tell her or post it on social network.’

  ‘Why don’t you just call her?’ Fraser said. ‘Perhaps she’s suffering some kind of remorse after you took such drastic measure to―’

  ‘Lose contact?’ Claudia’s voice challenged him. It silenced him for a moment. ‘I’ve already explained to you, Fraser, not only is she still exploiting me, she wants everything else I have.’

  ‘But she can’t just take it,’ Fraser insisted.

  Claudia’s heart was racing, and anger was rising inside her. She tried to keep it under control, but she couldn’t hide the tremble that crept into her voice. ‘She can, and she will.’ Claudia knew that Fraser wasn’t convinced and was maybe even thinking she was paranoid, and all she had to do was talk to her mother or get a lawyer—something straightforward and practical. ‘Why am I sitting here trying to convince you?’

  ‘Families go through these times, Claudia.’

  ‘Including yours?’ Claudia challenged. ‘Does your mother do stuff like this to you? Would she take something that was yours, just because she wanted it?’

  ‘It’s natural for her to feel bitter at being left out of the will.’

  ‘There’s nothing natural about all this.’ She flipped the page back to the centrefold. ‘She’s been the bane of my life since I was that old.’ She pointed to the image of the little Russian princess. ‘And she isn’t finished yet, so I don’t want to hear you sympathising with her.’

  ‘I’m not sympathising,’ Fraser insisted, ‘I want to understand. She says she just wants to make it up with you. I mean, look at this spread, it’s―’

  ‘Heart-breaking?’ Claudia interjected. ‘Is that what it says to you?’

  ‘No, of course not. But you’ve jerked her chain, maybe you can meet up with her and make it clear to her that you’re entitled to the legacy.’

  ‘There’s no way of getting to her. See how innocent she looks, grieving for her…what did she call me?’ She glanced down at the text on the glossy pages and read out, ‘Claudie, my darling girl.’

  ‘None of what you say is making sense. Claudia, you’ve had a lot on your plate lately, maybe you need to take a break and think this―’

  ‘Don’t you dare!’ Claudia snapped. Her voice was quiet but forceful. ‘Don’t you dare lay this on me. You know nothing about me or my mother or my life.’ She fixed her eyes on Fraser’s face. ‘I don’t need your help. I can manage my own nemesis. I always have done, because even my father couldn’t help me.’ She leaned closer to him and said quietly but firmly, ‘Yes, Fraser, I’ve even lost touch with him. But don’t worry, Mother tells me he’s happy. He’s gone to Cornwall to be a painter. What a pity he couldn’t have given me his change of address. I guess I’ve inherited that from him.’ She was angry, but the restaurant was very busy, so she kept her voice down as she stabbed her forefinger onto the magazine. ‘This isn’t a doting mother making a plea to her daughter, it’s Elsa Hamilton letting me know that she’s going to trample me into the ground to get what my grandmother bequeathed to me―Alyona’s diaries. She plans to build on the scandal, turn them into a novel and then make a trashy movie. She doesn’t care that Alyona got all the blame and was accused of stealing Richard from his fiancée. But she never got to speak up for herself. Her voice has been muted since 1921, and it’s time she was heard. I’m going to make that happen for her. I’m going to write the novel properly, with her point of view, the way it really was. And nobody, including you with your misguided reasoning, is going to stop me.’

  Lizzy reached out for Claudia’s hand. ‘I’m so sorry. This must be really horrible for you. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help? We’re here for you, aren’t we, Jen?’

  ‘Too right!’ Jenny said. ‘If she finds you at Larchwood, you can come and stay with me.’

  Claudia’s eyes burned and her throat tightened as she whispered, ‘Thanks, girls, that means a lot, it really does.’ She was comforted by their unconditional support.

  She looked at Fraser, he was being polite, but it seemed to frustrate him that he hadn’t convinced her of his views either. ‘I’ve already warned you, Frazer, don’t let her get into your life. Your conference is more important than her.’

  He closed the magazine and said, ‘I appreciate that this is a very difficult situation for you, Claudia, but it wouldn’t hurt to run it by a lawyer, get some kind of support for goodness sake.’

  ‘Now you can understand how good she is? You, my special friend, believe her…and not me.’ She stood up and grabbed her handbag. ‘You can look at it from any angle you like, but I won’t sit here while you make her look like a bereft parent. If you want to play happy families, go ahead, tell her. Be the first. But I promise you if you do, you’ll be able to hate me for losing touch a second time.’ She spoke to Lizzy and Jenny, ‘I’m sorry, girls, I have to go.’

  ‘Claudia! Stay,’ Fraser pleaded. ‘D
on’t leave like this.’

  Claudia glared at him. Her disappointment sent a gripping pain through her heart. ‘Stay until I see it your way, is that what you mean? I don’t need two people trying to make me do that. Along with all those lessons my mother dragged me to, I had classes in voice projection, but the strange thing is that I can’t make myself heard.’ She left very quickly and weaved her way through the tables with as much dignity as she could scrape up. She was about to reach her car, when she heard Fraser’s voice calling. She ignored it. He arrived just in time to push his hand against the door and prevent her from opening it.

  ‘I just want to say one thing. Just one thing, Claudia, and then I’ll leave you alone.’

  Claudia’s shoulders sank, as if she was fresh out of energy.

  Fraser grasped her hands. ‘It doesn’t matter what goes on between you and your mother, I’m on your side. However it turns out, do you understand? I’ll be there for you―not her.’

  Claudia looked up, and as she did so, he pressed a brief, firm kiss on her mouth and then walked away.

  Chapter Eleven

  Claudia arrived at Larchwood on Thursday morning. Stress gripped her whole body, but she was determined to be strong, frank and honest with Fraser. Something in her life had to be settled, she couldn’t juggle it all like this forever. Fraser had no idea what it had cost her when she walked away from him and their chummy relationship. It broke her heart, she was so much in love with him, and he never knew it. But he’d know it today, she would hold nothing back.

  Reluctant to get out of the car, she waited a while. The view of the lake was uninterrupted now that the marquee had been taken away, and with it, the happy memories of the party. The music, the heady scent of the sumptuous flowers, the ever-changing montage of fabulous dresses as the guests moved about, dances with Fraser when the sensuous entwined with the sensual and reached every nerve-end of her being, a reminder of how she used to feel. She glanced at the lake where Fraser had carried her across the rough ground, an old-fashioned gesture, but she had to admit it was fun. In one of Richard’s letters to Alyona―Claudia’s favourite that she kept apart from the others―he wrote, ‘It is all as a dream of sweet reality.’ That’s how it felt last Friday evening, until Elsa Hamilton’s long, bitter reach plunged her back into a reality that was not so sweet.

  Fraser had suggested they meet on the terrace. It could be approached in two ways: either by the French windows, in the drawing room, or she could walk around the outside of the building until she found the semi-circular structure, with an hour-glass balustrade and steps leading down to the grass. She found it deserted, so she waited.

  It wasn’t long before Fraser came out, via the French windows. To her relief, he was casually dressed in jeans and sweatshirt, so he wasn’t likely to look at his watch and then dash off for a business meeting. It seemed that he was keeping to the bargain. He rested his hands gently on her shoulders, bent his head and kissed her cheek, the way he always did in the old days. He smelled fresh and slightly scented, as if he’d just taken a shower. She was distracted by it, imagined how the water would roll over his shoulders and down his body. Even through her tension, the image lingered, and she had to remind herself that these thoughts had no place in her head.

  ‘Did the conference go well?’ she asked, to distract herself.

  ‘Yes, brilliantly thanks.’ Fraser answered. ‘We’re back on familiar ground now.’ He seemed relaxed, and a beaming smile lit his face. That was worse than the virtual water rolling down his body.

  ‘So it’s going ahead?’

  ‘Yes, but I promised this morning to you, so work is off the agenda.’ He frowned at her. ‘You’re very pale.’

  ‘I didn’t sleep well.’

  ‘Not worried about this, surely?’

  Claudia was envious of his calm, unruffled mood. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘I know I was the one asking all the questions at first, but don’t you think we’re dragging it on a bit? Do we really need to have a post-mortem now? We got along really well at the party so―’

  ‘We called a truce for the evening, that’s why. I don’t want to patch this up. I want it all on the table, then we can…’ she stopped and a gulped down the tension in her throat. ‘All your questions, “Where did you go? Why didn’t you contact me? What the hell happened to you?” They’re still in your head and still unanswered. They’re going to come out again one day. I don’t want that, I’d rather answer them now.’

  Fraser nodded and gestured towards the rose garden. ‘There’s a seat over there.’

  They went down the terrace steps, strolled to the garden seat and sat down. Claudia wasn’t sure she could get him to listen to everything she needed to say, he was so strong and decisive at the moment. When they sat down, Fraser remained silent as if to give her the time to speak.

  ‘You asked what happened to me,’ Claudia began. ‘I moved in with my grannie. Then my phone was hacked, so I changed my number. But I couldn’t reach you on yours.’

  ‘I switched it off and left it in my office. I was seeing…’ He paused for a second and then added, ‘I was seeing somebody, and we had problems with the press. I used a temporary one for a while.’

  ‘She wasn’t just somebody, the whole world knew her. Before long, everybody knew your face too, and you were surrounded by paparazzi, whether you were with her or not. It made it impossible to reach you.’

  Fraser scowled. ‘They were photographers not bodyguards, you could have got past them.’

  ‘And make them wonder who it was knocking on your door? Who knows what they would have made of it. Imagine the headlines, Fraser Gallier, in love-rat triangle.’

  Fraser sighed and nodded. ‘Yes, I can see how difficult that would have been. But was that your last option?’

  ‘Do you remember that evening we watched a film about two people who made a bargain. They agreed on a venue and a particular day of the year when they should meet up if they ever lost touch.’

  Fraser smiled. ‘Yes, I remember. They chose Paris.’

  ‘Ours wasn’t Paris, was it?’

  Fraser expelled a brief laugh. ‘The park, any Wednesday lunchtime as long as the daffodils were still in bloom.’

  ‘You make it sound like a joke.’

  ‘It was, wasn’t it? We joked about films all the time.’

  ‘But it was worth a try, don’t you think?’

  Fraser became serious. He stared at her and said, ‘You went to the park to look for me?’

  ‘Yes, two Wednesday’s, I walked and waited, but you didn’t show. I went on the third week, and there you were…’

  Fraser’s brow twitched, and his eyes closed tightly as if a bad feeling rushed through him.

  Tears lingered on Claudia’s lower lids, the shards of pain she felt on that day hit her heart, and she spoke the angry words that she failed to speak back then. ‘You had six other days in the week to take your Latino lover for a stroll among the daffodils. Wednesday was my day…my daffodils…my friend. And you gave them all to Paloma Cardini.’

  Fraser leapt to his own defence. ‘It wasn’t a stroll, there was a photographer along the path. It was just a stupid photo shoot to get an upbeat, spring time picture.’

  ‘I know we weren’t in a relationship. I knew I couldn’t have you, but it broke my heart anyway…I was so in love with you.’

  ‘Love?’ Fraser stared in disbelief. ‘Claudia, I didn’t―’

  ‘Of course you didn’t know. You weren’t meant to.’ She could see how shocked Fraser was as she continued. ‘I always bluffed my way through it. Successfully it seems.’ She expelled a nervous laugh. ‘I’m an actress, aren’t I? You have no idea how much pain that final breakup caused me, so I didn’t want to hear how upset you were that first day I arrived here.’

  ‘I wasn’t just upset, I was cut up about it…genuinely. I was never too busy to be there for you, Claudia. I thought you knew that. You could have approached me anywhere, anytime…’<
br />
  ‘That would have taken more courage than I had.’

  ‘Courage?’ Fraser queried. ‘To talk to me?’

  Claudia intended to be honest, leave nothing unsaid, but she felt for him, and she was in danger of aborting her plan and suggesting another truce, postponing the things she had come to talk about. Her thoughts re-grouped, and she spoke again. ‘I was feeling very vulnerable. My grandmother was becoming frail, my life was changing dramatically, and I was about to experience the learning curve of my life. I was so scared about what was happening to me. I wanted you to hug me, and tell me everything was going to be fine.’

  Fraser moved closer to her as if to comfort her, but she backed away. Fraser sighed. ‘So you walked away.’

  ‘I decided that the best thing to do was to go home and get the hell over you, learn to move on without you, forget the ridiculous fantasy that my stupid mistake would somehow become a blessing.’

  ‘Mistake?’

  Claudia told herself not to weep, but her eyes defied her. She ran her fingers over them and brushed the tears away. ‘I said goodbye, to the memories, the daffodils and the guy who planted them, and then…and then I left the father of my child walking in the park with his lover.’

  Fraser’s face drained, and his eyes stared in disbelief. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he whispered on a heavy sigh. ‘This isn’t a joke, is it?’

  ‘Oh, Fraser,’ Claudia sighed. ‘You didn’t just forget our arrangement, you forgot the one time we broke the rules. In your defence I realise that you were in a bad way, grieving for your business friend. It was a terrible accident, it hit you hard. I can understand you needing some kind of comfort. My part in it wasn’t a comforting gesture. I loved you. I wanted you. And there you were, in my arms, wanting me all of a sudden.’

  Fraser got to his feet and stared around him as if an answer was hiding among the roses. He suddenly turned back, his eyes narrowed as he said, ‘Ever since you arrived here you gave nothing away. You really are an actress, aren’t you?’

  ‘All my life,’ Claudia answered. Her task was almost done, she had told him, now she braced herself for the backlash. ‘What was I supposed to say? Did you expect me to tell you on the doorstep within earshot of Natalie? I thought you two were getting married for goodness sake. I came here to work out how to solve a very serious problem with my mother, and suddenly there you were, presenting me with another one.’