Never Letting Go

by Kristin MacQueen

  “You’re amazing, do you know that?”

  “I’m not, I'm selfish. I’d rather share you with Miranda than lose you. She isn't horrible to be around either.”

  “Oh my gosh! Did you just admit you like my bestie?” A small smile tugs at the corner of her lips. I roll my eyes, watching as the smile widens until her entire face is lit up in happiness.

  “Miranda! Noah just admitted he likes you!”

  “Duh! Everyone likes me, I'm amazing! What’s not to love?”

  “You’re loud, obnoxious, annoying, you flirt even after I’ve told you I don’t like you... I can keep going if you’d like.” Liam holds up his fingers as he lists all the things he hates about Miranda.

  “It doesn’t matter what you think, because Noah likes me!” She gives him a cheeky grin before she throws herself into my lap, wrapping her arms around both Frankie and I.

  “I think I like you too, ya big grump.” She kisses my cheek before she hops up to go find the perfect bowling ball as she calls it.

  “I want her here.” Frankie says softly. “She’s fighting an internal battle I don’t know about but I think she needs distance from her family. Having her here, with you next door, it will be my dream come true.” She places a soft kiss on my lips, pulling away too quickly for me to deepen it. Frankie lays her head on my chest, letting out a contented sigh. I kiss her head, wrapping my arms more tightly around her.

  “You guys suck.” Liam grumbles under his breath as he turns away from us.

  “Why? Because she didn’t pick you?” I could keep my mouth shut and pretend I didn’t hear him. That’s what I should be doing, but I can't. I can't let him walk around running his mouth and letting him disrespect my girl like that. The old version of Noah would let things roll off his back, this Noah doesn’t put up with that shit.

  “Seriously, man? You really want to go there?”

  “Yeah, I do. If you have something to say then say it to my face, don’t mumble it under your breath, we both know I won’t put up with that shit.” My jaw tightens as my blood pressure rises. The last thing I want to do is start a fight with Liam but if he has something to say he needs to say it.

  “Fine! If Frankie had met me first, she never would’ve given you a second of her time. No one wants to date someone who’s a miserable asshole all the time. It’s so annoying the way you hide your emotions from every single person in your life.”

  “Maybe she would’ve picked you if she met you first, but she didn’t. You can't mope around because you didn’t get the girl you wanted. Grow up.”

  “Grow up? You’re the one that walks around with this massive chip on your shoulder, acting like your life’s miserable. You have the perfect life, Noah. Stop being a miserable asshole.”

  “You have no clue what my life is like, stop trying to act like you do.”

  “It must be hard, having every girl in the school wanting to date you, every guy wanting to be your friend. Captain of the football team, one of the best high school quarterbacks in the country. Perfect grades, the teachers adore you. The perfect home and parents to come home to every night, and now the perfect girlfriend. Please, tell me what’s so horrible about your life that you act so miserable all the time.”

  He's joking, right? I mean, yes, all those things he said are true but there’s so much more to it. Am I lucky to have a perfect family, girlfriend, and everything else? Yes, definitely. But my perfect grades are part of what sent me spiraling when Frankie left. I couldn’t keep up no matter how hard I tried, I felt like a failure. I ended up pushing myself so hard that I wasn’t sleeping. I felt this pressure that was coming from no one but myself. Being the star quarterback put even more stress on me, everyone expects me to be perfect. I couldn’t take it. I became overwhelmed and ended up becoming depressed, which just worsened the longer I pushed myself. I don’t feel lucky, I feel like I'm barely surviving.

  I open my mouth to respond but I don’t get a chance to. Miranda comes out of nowhere and punches Liam in the face. She might be tiny but her brother obviously taught her how to fight. Liam falls back into his seat with a groan, his hands flying up to cover his eye that’s already swelling.

  “Enough! You never judge another person’s life! You don’t know what demons he’s fighting; you keep your damn mouth shut!”

  “What the hell’s wrong with you?” Liam hisses.

  “You! You’re what’s wrong with me! Boohoo Frankie doesn’t want to date you, she still wants to be friends with you. Boohoo you aren’t the captain of the football team; you probably don’t deserve it if this is how you talk to your best friend! You’re not being a best friend to him, get your shit together and act like a big boy.”

  We all sit there, staring at Miranda like she’s a crazy person, maybe she is. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly, she looks like she wants to rip Liam’s head off

  “Did she seriously just punch me to defend you?” Liam points a shaky finger at Miranda, his wide eyes locked on mine. I can't help the booming laugh that erupts out of me. Liam looks scared shitless of Miranda. I swear, if Miranda were a cartoon character, steam would be blowing out of her ears, her face beet red. Her hands are on her hips, her little body shaking with the adrenaline coursing through her blood stream. She’s a feisty little thing, which makes this all the funnier. Liam’s at least twice her size and she took him down with one punch.

  Frankie starts laughing in my arms, tears running down her cheeks as she gasps for air.

  “Holy shit!” Liam’s mouth falls open as he stares at me. “How hard did she hit me? I have to be imagining this! I’ve never seen you laugh.”

  “Shut up.” I laugh even harder; he looks like his entire world was just turned upside down. He waits until our laughing calms down before he says anything else.

  “I'm serious, Noah. We’ve been best friends for four years and I’ve barely seen you smile. What the hell happened to you? You’re smiling and laughing.”

  “Frankie came back.” I shrug like it isn't a big deal but I avoid eye contact with anyone, nuzzling my face into Frankie’s neck instead.

  Miranda stomps back to Liam’s side. Where did she go to? I didn’t even know she left. She lifts up something and tosses it to him. He’s still staring at me and doesn’t see her throw it to him. The bag lands directly in his lap, he drops to the ground moaning in pain. His hands cup his crotch as he withers in agony on the floor.

  “Oh my gosh! Liam! I didn’t mean to nail you in the balls! Are you ok?”

  He can't respond, letting out a series of moans instead.

  “I was getting ice for your eye; it’s already turning red.” She squats down next to him, holding the ice against his face. She gives up when he keeps squirming and swats her away. “Put that ice on your junk and I’ll go get another one for your face.”

  She stomps away, her body tense, jaw clenched. I don’t understand why she’s so upset. Liam was being an ass but we worked it out guy style. We yelled and got mad, then laughed about it. It’s over and done with as far as we’re concerned.

  Miranda’s hands clenches and release as she waits at the snack bar for them to get her another bag of ice. The college aged guy behind the counter is flirting with her. His arms are folded on the high counter, leaning towards her. He gives her a lopsided grin before he says I’ve never seen you around here, are you new?

  Don’t judge me because I can read lips. Frankie and I practiced for the entire summer of sixth grade. We wanted to be able to talk to each other if a teacher put us on opposite sides of the room.

  The guy’s face falls slightly. He tries his hardest to hide his disappointment but he can't. Miranda whips around, her eyes narrow on Liam as she comes back over. She crouches on the ground next to him. He must be feeling a little better because he’s sitting up with his back against the bench. She whispers something in his ear. He jerks his head back, his mouth falling open, just staring at her. She says one last thing before pressing the ice pack into his eye then sta
nding up.

  Picking up the perfect bowling ball, Miranda walks to the line on the shiny wooden floor. Her arm pulls back then shoots forward, the ball hits the wood, speeding for the pins. She knocks down all ten pins, but doesn’t look happy at all.

  “Is she ok?” I ask Frankie.

  “No, something more is wrong. Maybe I should talk to her.”

  “I think she needs time.”

  Frankie’s eyes search my face, I'm not sure what she’s looking for.

  “How do you know?”

  “I can sense my own kind. She’s fighting something, you need to give her a chance to come to you on her own.”

  “I don’t like seeing either one of you in pain. I want to fix it so I can see you both happy again.”

  “You can't fix everything or everyone all the time.”

  “You’re right. I can't always fix things or people but it doesn’t mean I won’t try my hardest to help.”

  “Frankie Valdo, you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.”

  “Noah Vaccaro, you’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, even if you try to hide it.”

  “I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE! You know I'm coming right back. I’ll make my parents see that I need to be here and not stuck in that miserable house.”

  “Let’s hope they want you to stay.” Liam grumbles under his breath.

  Miranda’s eyes snap to him, narrowing into small slits. These two hate each other so much. It’s interesting to see, Miranda thought Liam was amazing until the night of the party, then it was like the flip of a switch and they’re at each other’s throats. I don’t really know what changed but there has been a massive shift between them.

  “No one cares what you want, Liam. I thought I made that clear this morning when I gave you that black eye.” Her fingers tighten into fist at her sides, so tightly they’re turning white. Anger’s radiating off of her, chest rising and falling faster than it was a few minutes ago. Miranda Barren clearly has something going on in her life, something that’s haunting her, consuming her life. If she doesn’t learn to deal with it, it’s going to tear her down until there’s nothing left.

  Liam rolls his eyes. I never realized how obnoxious he can be until today. I wonder if it’s something new, or I just never noticed it before today. Either’s highly possible. I’m a crappy friend, Miranda’s made me see that. Her devotion to Frankie and now me, it’s overwhelming but I love it. Everyone needs a friend just like her by their side.

  “I’m gonna miss you.” I say as I wrap my arms around Miranda. I'm not saying this to make Frankie happy or to piss off Liam. I really am going to miss her. She knows my secret but she’s keeping it hidden. She understands me in a way no one else does. Plus, she makes Frankie happy and that might be the most important thing in the world to me.

  Frankie watches us embrace, eyes watering, hand on her chest. She’s freaking adorable. I hold out an arm to invite her into this hug. She rushes over, wrapping her arms around both Miranda and I. I hear a loud huff; I don’t need to glance up to know who it is. Liam really needs to learn to control his emotions. I might not show mine at all, but he needs to learn how to hide his a little more.

  “Liam, can I talk to you for a minute?” Frankie’s eyes met mine, begging for me to understand. “Alone.” I nod my head; I understand she needs to figure things out with him. I can't be between them all the time; I can't fix everything.

  They walk into the backyard, over to the patio glider on Frankie’s deck. Frankie sits, keeping space between her and Liam. I love that she makes it so clear that nothing is going to happen between them. She’s mine.

  “She needs to know.” Miranda’s soft voice surprises me. She’s normally so in your face, this soft side throws me off.

  “I know. I just need time.”

  “Take the time you need, but make sure you don’t take too long. She needs to hear it from you. It’ll be better if you tell her before she sees this.” Her warm hand grasps my wrist, pushing my leather cuff up, revealing the scars. Miranda’s fingers trace the lines, one after another, she’s hypnotized by them.

  “I'm scared.” I whisper. Normally, I’d never be this vulnerable with someone, but Miranda understands. Her brother went through the same thing, she doesn’t judge me because of that.

  “Of what?”

  “That she’ll push me away. View me as damaged and not want me anymore.”

  “She knows you’re damaged, she senses it. This won’t push her away, Noah. Trust me, I’m rooting for you and Frankie. You’re perfect for each other.”

  “I'm glad she has you. You’re a great friend... you’ve been a great friend to me too.”

  “Aww, are you getting soft on me, big guy?”

  “Pfft, yes.”

  “Was it the black eye I gave Liam?”

  I hold my fingers close together, saying a little.

  “I think the bag of ice to the balls really sold me on our friendship.”

  “Why’s he such a dick?”

  “I don’t know. I've never seen him act like this before. I think it might be you.”

  Miranda’s eyes snap to mine. Her brows furrow, she stares at Liam, studying him like she’s trying to figure him out. He makes eye contact with her, neither of them will to break the connection. It’s like they're in their own little world.

  “Why would it be me?” Her eyes meet mine. There’s a sadness there that I didn’t see before. I give her a small shrug.

  “You get under his skin. He can't figure you out and I think it’s driving him crazy. Liam’s really good at figuring out what makes people tick, learning their motives, and can anticipate their moves.”

  “Is that why he doesn’t like that you’re happy now?”

  “I don’t think he’s unhappy that I'm happy. I think he just doesn’t know how to comprehend it. It’s new, foreign, and he’s not quite sure how to react. He can't anticipate my moves, what makes me tick has changed, he’s confused.”

  Before Miranda can respond, Liam and Frankie are strolling back over to us.

  You ok? I mouth to Frankie. She nods her head, giving me a lopsided smile. Jeez, she’s beautiful. The sun catches the red hues in her brown hair as she runs her fingers through it. Her black tank top hugs every single curve, it makes me want to hold her in my arms, let my hands run along those curves.

  “I gotta get going but I’ll call you after I talk to my parents. I’ll be back, I promise that.”

  Liam groans, he really doesn’t like Miranda.

  Chapter Thirty

  Frankie

  I settle on the glider, but I'm careful to leave room between Liam and I. I hate having to talk to him about this stuff, I can't ruin our relationship though. I want to be friends with him, I like him, just not in the way he wants me to.

  “What’s going on, Liam?”

  He lets out a long sigh, runs his hands through his hair and leans forward, his elbows on his knees, staring out at the back yard.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, cut the shit. We both know what I'm talking about. I just don’t get it, when we met, you told me that Noah needed me. Now you’re mad that I'm there for him?”

  “I'm not mad that you’re there for him. I'm glad that he’s doing better with you here. He’s... happy. I’ve never seen him happy.”

  “Then why do you hate us together?”

  “I... I just thought we had something.”

  I keep my eyes on him but he isn't looking at me. His eyes are locked on Miranda’s, neither one of them looking away. I wonder if they have a thing for each other. Miranda acts... different with him. I can't pinpoint what’s different exactly but something definitely is. There’s a weird tension between them.

  “I like you, Liam. You’re sweet and fun to hang out with. You went out of your way to be nice to me.”

  “But?”

  “But I’ve loved Noah since we were kids.”

  “I wish we’d met first.” My heart softens towards him. He’s hu
rting and because he wears his heart on his sleeve, he can't hide it like Noah can. He’s raw for everyone to see. I put my hand on Liam’s arm, squeezing it gently.

  “This isn't about which one of you I met first. Noah stole my heart before I ever understood what love was. He never gave it back. No matter how many guys I’ve dated or hung out with, I always compared them to Noah. I never meant to do it; my mind would automatically think about him. I can't give you my heart because I don’t have it, I haven’t for a long time.”

  “I don’t understand how you like him.”

  “Honestly, that isn't really my problem, Liam. You don’t know the Noah I know. He was my best friend, we shared everything with each other. He’s different now but I still see the old Noah. I'm not trying to change him; I just want to be with him. He feels like home to me, I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  “And I'm just getting in the way.”

  “Don’t be like that. You’re not getting in the way. We both want to be friends with you, neither one of us want to lose you, but I'm not breaking up with him. He is and always has been the most important person in my life.”

  “He’s a lucky guy. You love him.”

  “I do.” I feel guilty saying that, it’s hurting Liam but I'm not going to sugar coat this. I need to draw a hard line in the sand.

  “Are we done here then?” He gestures between the two of us. My shoulders sag, I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't figure out how to make him understand this, I can't fix this for him.

  “Yeah, we’re done.” I whisper. I stand and walk back the way we came. I don’t wait for Liam, he just wrote me off, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want my friendship.

  A hand grasps my bicep, I stop walking but I don’t turn to look at him.

  “Frankie...” Liam’s voice is soft, full of guilt.

  “No. It’s fine, I get it.” I try to walk away but Liam’s grip tightens. Not in a painful way, more of him standing his ground, he wants to be heard.

  “Frankie, I'm sorry. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t lead me on, I was the one hoping for more. I can't fault you for falling in love with Noah when you were a kid. Please don’t hate me.”