Violet still had the rock fisted in her hand. “Boone, you don’t have to do this.”
“I decided to become a minister because I figured that would get me some sort of gold stars with God.” He had never admitted that to anyone before. Not even himself. “And looking back, I wasn’t a very good husband. I failed June. I never asked what her dream was. We were married and I applied to seminary and then I told her we were going. I never even asked her if she wanted to go to Maine. I was incredibly selfish. And you saw what happened with Hailey.”
She searched his eyes. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you’re under the impression that us Jarretts are some ideal family unit, and that’s just not true. We have made huge mistakes and have hurt one another in so many different ways.” Boone laid his hand on his heart and shook his head. “Thank God for grace and forgiveness, because that’s the only thing that’s held us together. We’ve chosen to love each other through the ugly times. That’s it.” He exhaled. “The world is broken, Violet. That label extends to every person on earth. Especially me. We wouldn’t need a savior if that wasn’t the case.”
She looked down at the rock in her hand. Turned it over and over. “Well, I’d take a messed-up family in a heartbeat over what I’ve got.”
Boone held out his hand. “Violet, tell me what’s going on.” He reached to take the rock from her, but she moved her hand away. She paced back to the edge of the pier with the rock cradled in her hands.
She looked down at the word written there. Love. “When I was a camper here your family made me write something on one of these rocks. Your dad.” She glanced at him but it felt as if she was looking through him. “I wrote the same word every year. The same exact word.” Her chin trembled.
Boone swallowed hard, meeting her gaze the whole time. “What did you write there?”
“Home,” she whispered. She pressed her lips together and looked down at the rock. Her voice wavered as she continued. “Your dad told us that God cared, that He would answer our prayers, that He wanted to meet our deepest needs.” Her fingers closed around the rock and a harsh laugh left her lips. “And you know, I actually believed him. I stupidly had faith that God would give me a home.”
“It wasn’t stupid.” Boone took a step closer. “And God does care, Violet.”
“Enough, Boone.” She worked her jaw back and forth. “I’m setting this one free.” She flung the rock far so it splashed into the lake. An owl hooted near the shore, seemingly offended by the disturbance.
There were more rocks piled by her feet. She bent to reach for another one. “They can stop waiting and hoping and trusting that someday someone is going to want them. They can stop waiting for someone to love them. Because it’s never going to happen.” Her voice broke and Violet’s body sagged. “No one’s ever going to want them.” Boone wrapped his arms around her and pulled her so that her back was against his chest.
Boone kept her in a bear hug, his lips near her neck. “It’s okay, Violet. It’s going to be okay.”
She pressed her hand over her mouth as her whole body trembled. “No one ever wanted me. They never—” She gasped for breath. “I trusted. I had faith. I tried, Boone. And look what it got me. I’ve never had a home.” Violet turned in his arms, burying her face in his chest. “God didn’t care enough to answer my prayer. And then when I had something good in my life, when I was climbing the ranks of the circuits, God took that away, too.”
Boone held her as she cried. He would stand there with her secure in his arms all night if that’s what she needed. So often people were uncomfortable around tears. That’s what led people to say stop crying. But bottling his grief had only hurt Hailey and stunted his walk with God. He had learned his lesson. He wouldn’t tell another to keep emotional displays to only things that made everyone comfortable. In fact, he could stand to learn from Violet in this arena.
Her tears ebbed, but she stayed with her head pressed against him. He would have pulled her even closer if it was possible. With Violet near, Boone’s heart seemed to ram against his chest. Could Violet feel it? She had to.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered.
Boone licked his lips. “Stay, Violet. Stay here at the ranch.” Stay with me.
“Stay?” She flattened her hands on his chest and looked up at him. The moisture in her lashes caught glints of moonlight and the sight undid him. How was it possible that she didn’t understand how amazing she was?
She was wanted and always would be.
He bent, claiming her lips. How could she not think she had a place to call home when being near her had become the only home he wanted? Violet’s body relaxed against his and he took the opportunity to deepen their kiss. Her fingers dug into his biceps, holding on as if his protection—his nearness—meant everything to her, and that’s when he knew he couldn’t go through life on autopilot anymore. Since their very first interaction, Violet had awakened in him a desire to live again. He wanted to feel; he wanted this.
With her.
Just as quickly Violet went rigid in his arms. She shoved against his chest, making him take a few steps back. His breath came out hard. She swiped her hand across her mouth and then held it out as if to warn him to keep back. Watching her, a heaviness filled Boone’s chest.
How had it all gone so wrong? He had been about to tell her he was falling for her.
He rubbed his brow. “Vi—”
“I don’t want you to say anything right now,” she said. “You’re too good at it. Your whole family is. You guys make everything sound too perfect and people like me fall for it.” She took a deep breath. “I’m confused and all of this—” she moved her hands between them “—isn’t helping. So you can’t do that again.”
“I’m sorry—”
She shook her head. “That doesn’t help, either.”
Boone swallowed. Everything he tried was wrong. He wanted to tell her he was in love with her and they would figure this out. Ask her if she was willing to date a single dad who had never gone on a first date in his adult life. But as much as he wanted to spill his feelings, now wasn’t the time. Her reaction to their kiss proved that. Right now, Violet needed someone to encourage her, to listen to her and to point her toward God. If he cared about her like he claimed to, then that’s what he needed to do.
She met his gaze, her eyes narrowing. “Why do you want me to stay at Red Dog Ranch? This is your family home.”
Boone prayed for the right words.
He took a tentative step closer. “Because this is where you belong, Violet. Anyone with eyes can see that. Rhett said it. Now I’m saying it. This can be your home, if you want it to be.” Even if she never wanted to be with him. If they could only ever be friends. Boone would deal with it to have her nearby. He gently took her hand but left space between them. “What if God’s answer to your prayers was wait because He had a home ready for you all this time? Maybe you had to wait because we needed you here.”
Her lips parted as she listened and Boone had to remind himself not to kiss her again. She had said she didn’t want him doing that anymore and he would respect that.
No matter how much he wanted to.
“God loves you, Violet. And whether your hope is mountain high—” he glanced at the pile of rocks and then the water “—or at the bottom of a lake. It doesn’t matter, God still knows your heart.” He jutted his chin toward the rocks. “You can dunk every single one of those into the lake, but it’s not deep enough to escape God’s love. Nowhere is.”
It wasn’t deep enough to escape Boone’s love, either.
But that wasn’t what she needed to hear.
Chapter Ten
The next day, Violet was thankful that Wade had asked her to assess the new horses. Otherwise she would have been in the office with Boone, and she wasn’t ready to face him yet.
Last night B
oone had offered to walk her home but she had turned him down. He had seemed disappointed, but Violet had needed time to herself. As the memory of both of their kisses flooded her mind, she hugged the stack of papers that made up the horses’ pedigrees and medical forms to her chest. After the Fourth of July celebration she had convinced herself that Boone had been caught in a moment, but after their embrace on the pier she couldn’t just write off his attention.
Was it possible that Boone Jarrett cared about her?
Boone had just lost his wife. He was a man who had been with the same woman since high school. And while Violet believed Boone to be the most honest and genuine man she had ever met, it made sense that he would confuse friendship for something more. He was lonely and Violet was the only available woman near his age working at the ranch.
It wasn’t her he wanted. Just someone, just comfort. Maybe he had convinced himself otherwise, but Violet figured he would change his opinion as he healed from the loss of his wife. He would find someone more suitable to one day be a pastor’s wife at some quaint church. A woman who spent the night flinging symbols of a bunch of children’s hopes and dreams into a lake and who shouted at God probably wasn’t fit for that sort of role.
She entered the riding arena and took a deep breath. Horses, dust, fresh wood and leather—all smells that comforted her. Riding was the only real home and constant she had ever experienced. The arena had pristine riding sand and the barrels Violet had set up a week ago were still in place. She had started walking Hawken through the course. Whenever she did, she noticed he moved with a bit more pep.
The indoor arena had been Shannon’s dream. In the spring, she and Carter had raised the money needed to finally build the large structure. It held a full-sized arena, tiered benches lining the two long sides to accommodate a few hundred onlookers and an area in the back end where horses could wait indoors for their turn. Violet trailed her fingers over the top of the wall that protected the onlookers from the action. It was a significantly nicer arena than some of the ones she usually practiced in. In time, the ranch would utilize the space to hold riding lessons for foster children and host their own rodeo events.
The six horses Wade had picked up at an auction were tied along the western wall of the arena. She ran her hands over the first horse, checking to make sure it had been brushed and was clean before she started tacking it. Satisfied, she began to saddle the first horse. The mare pawed at the ground when Violet started to tighten the cinch, so she stopped to let the horse get comfortable before continuing.
“Shhh.” She stroked the animal’s powerful neck. “You’re safe. This is your new home.” She swallowed hard. Boone had basically said the same things to her. But Violet couldn’t forget Cassidy’s text. Boone was close to his family and because of that, Violet was sure he wouldn’t want to be with someone long term that his family wasn’t excited about. Moreover, Violet didn’t want to be with him when he realized that he didn’t really care about her.
When he realized she wasn’t enough.
If she stayed at the ranch, they would have to remain just friends. It was the only way.
But after yesterday, she didn’t know if that was even possible.
She finished saddling the first horse and ran her through a series of tests, then Violet worked her way down the row. A rotund brown gelding named Puddin’ walked about as fast as a sleepy sloth, and on the other side of the spectrum there was a roan named Maverick who would require an incredibly experienced rider. The final horse on the line was a gorgeous dapple-gray named Disco. Violet approached him, running her fingers along his back. She had read over his papers three times, not believing what she saw. He was older than Hawken, but he was a trained barrel racer. Her body all but vibrated with excitement as she took him on a walk and then a canter around the edge of the arena. Disco veered toward the barrels twice.
It wouldn’t hurt to run the barrels once.
But one time turned into ten turned into fourteen. She let him rest but he quickly turned back toward the course, hungry to go again. Disco flung sand in an arc as he dug toward the barrels, and he moved with a frenzy and drive that Hawken hadn’t yet attained. They charged down the finish line one last time and Violet tossed her arms out, threw back her head and whooped. Her heart pounded in her ears as adrenaline left her legs tingly. She had missed this. Missed it so much.
Someone clapped in the seating area, making Violet jump. She pivoted in the seat to see Boone rise to his feet, giving her a standing ovation.
He had been at the top of the tier, but he started to make his way toward the half wall. “I have to say, that was captivating. I mean, I knew you were a champion, but Violet, you were amazing.”
Violet steered Disco toward where Boone stood. “It feels weird to run it with someone other than Hawken. But this guy’s a good horse.” She rubbed Disco’s lower neck.
Boone rested both of his hands on the edge of the wall. He tilted his head. “It’s not all him. What you do out there, it’s a gift.” He shot out a breath, his eyebrows going up at the same time. “I have to admit, I was wary about your racing. It’s such a dangerous sport.”
Disco adjusted how he was standing and let out a huff.
Violet swung down from the horse. “The danger factor is half the reason people like to watch the barrels.” She started to lead Disco back to where the other horses were. Boone rounded the half wall to walk beside her. “I hope this isn’t your attempt at convincing me to stop.” Because she wasn’t about to.
“Not at all,” Boone said. “Just trying to say you’ve gained a new fan.”
“Really?”
“What I just watched?” Boone let out a low whistle. “It was impressive. Terrifying, but impressive.”
Violet snorted. She and Disco hadn’t been going anywhere even close to full speed. After all, it had only been her first time riding him. But she had been able to feel how much more he would have given if she had pushed him. She wondered how he would do under the less ideal rodeo conditions where the stress of the crowd and poor ground conditions forced the horse and rider to depend on each other far more. With time and trust, Disco could become an incredible, prize-winning horse for some rider.
Boone held out his hand, letting Disco nuzzle his palm to take in his scent. “You know, there’s still a lot of the circuit left this year.” Boone kept his eyes on the horse. “Couldn’t you enter with this horse?”
Violet’s nails bit into her palm as she gripped Disco’s reins. “You think I should leave here? Go back to the circuit?”
Boone patted Disco’s neck. He finally met Violet’s eyes. “I do, Violet. There’s no denying where you belong.”
Violet’s throat felt thick as she snapped her attention back to Disco.
Boone wanted her to leave.
There was her answer. No more confusion. No more wondering.
She focused on unlacing Disco’s cinch so she could tug his saddle and blanket off as quickly as possible. She hadn’t ridden any of the horses for long so she felt comfortable choosing to brush them later, after Boone left. She stepped around Boone, heaving the saddle onto the railing. Then she slipped off Disco’s bridle, replacing it with a halter. Despite trying to act as if she was fine, her movements were jerky. Telling.
There’s no denying where you belong.
Not here. Not with him.
All his kind words last night—the offer that Red Dog Ranch could be her home—more Jarrett false hope. More lies. She should have known better. How many times would she have to get bitten by her own misplaced hope before she learned her lesson?
Apparently, she was a slow learner.
Violet forced herself to breathe steadily and evenly. She had to keep it together until she was away from Boone. He had rejected her like everyone else in her life had. But his dismissal tore her in two in a way the rest of them never had—because she had believed he wa
s different.
She had allowed herself to fall in love.
Violet’s eyes burned as she led Disco to a holding pen where the rest of the horses were waiting.
Boone trailed after her. “Did I say something wrong?”
After Disco was safely tucked in the pen, Violet closed the metal door with more force than necessary. A loud clang echoed through the cavernous building. “Actually, you said exactly what I needed to hear.” He was standing so close, she brushed shoulders with him as she passed.
“Violet, stop, please.” Boone lightly caught her by the arm. “You’re clearly upset.”
She shrugged out of his hold. She needed him away. Needed to push him out of her life so he couldn’t touch her heart again. “Let’s not do this.”
He cut into her path. “You walked away from me on day one, you did it twice on the pier, at Wade’s house and I know you almost walked out on me the first time we had a bonfire.” His voice was pleading. “Stop running, Violet. Stay and talk to me.”
It was the stay that finally caused her anger to boil over.
Violet whirled on him. “You have no right to accuse me of anything. I’m not the person who decided his own child was too much of a burden to be around for two whole months.” Boone flinched, but Violet pressed on. She jabbed a finger in his direction. “This whole time you’ve hidden away, keeping your struggles from your family so they could keep seeing Boone the spiritual leader who can fix all their issues and never has problems of his own. Well, I’ve got a wake-up call for you. Whether or not you want to admit it, you’re drowning in problems. And pretending you’re not just makes you a fake like everyone else.” Violet fisted her hands at her sides and set her shoulders. “I’m not the only one who walks away from hard things, Boone.”
He reeled back. “I encourage you to ride and this is how you respond?” He grabbed at his hair. “I’m trying, Violet. I’m really trying but—”
“You want me to up and ditch Hawken.” The muscles in her arms quivered. “To take some other horse and go back to the rodeo just so I can be out of your hair.”
Starting Over in Texas Page 13
