Never Play Board Games with the Fae

by Sara Jamieson

Never Play Board Games with the Fae

  By Sara Jamieson

  Copyright 2016 Sara Jamieson

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  We like to tell stories. We tell them to entertain and to teach. We use them to hide lessons and pass on warnings. We use real people, events, and things. We make them up when we find it necessary. I have noticed, however, that once a particular story has been told and retold and passed down to the point where it is considered worthy of the title of a legend that people start to become a little lax about the details. They start to think that it does not matter if they gloss over this bit here or tweak that little bit there. They even come to the misguided conclusion that it is perfectly acceptable to twist things around to make them match up with something that they want to feature in their particular tale.

  They think that it does not make any difference. I think that it makes all the difference in the world. They feel that way because they are often operating under the assumption that whatever creature they have chosen for their story was fictional to begin with and therefore open to interpretation. I feel the way that I do because I have firsthand knowledge that (whatever paths of fiction the storytellers over the years may have wandered down) the creatures themselves are real. The average human being may go their entire life without encountering any of them, but those that do are often handicapped (or even placed in danger) by the amount of misinformation that they have imbibed.

  I would like to correct that in whatever small way that I can. My name is Hannah, and I am offering up a few pearls of wisdom (safety tips if you will) for navigating your way through the realm of what are commonly termed fantasy creatures.

  Never Play Board Games with the Fae

  There are several reasons why this piece of advice should be scrupulously followed. In the first place, you need to understand that the Fae are fiercely competitive creatures. They like to play games. They like to goad others into playing games with them. The thing you need to remember is that games are not just games for them. Games are an art form for which they spend the entirety of their rather lengthy lives perfecting the execution of their play. It is a serious business for them. It is not an idle way to pass the time. It is not something that they take lightly.

  Being as competitive as they all are, they do whatever they can manage to get away with in order to skew the odds of winning in their favor. They are focused and a bit obsessive -- whatever game is involved is something that they are willing to become quite ruthless over in order to ensure that they win.

  This leads to a few behavioral issues of which you should make yourself aware. The Fae cheat. This is not some sort of a bitter comment or overly generalized statement. It is true without exception. They cheat. It is what they do. It is a fundamental part of what they are. There are no exceptions. They may claim otherwise -- do not believe them. Cheating is acceptable for them, and lying is every bit as acceptable. Lying to cover up cheating (or brazening out the cheating in a manner designed to preclude comment on it) is considered a prized skill. They cultivate it, and I promise you that any of the Fae that you may happen across have been practicing for far longer than you have been alive.

  The Fae always know the loopholes. This ties in with the cheating. If they are not cheating, then it is because they have found an obscure loophole that allows them to pretend that they are still dealing with everything in an aboveboard manner. They enjoy the pretense. It makes them feel clever, and Fae like to believe that they are the cleverest of what you would consider fantasy creatures.

  You should also know that Fae make very sore losers. It ties to the wanting to believe themselves clever. If they use all of the loopholes they can find, cheat with impunity, and still lose despite all of those things, then you are going to have a very cranky Fae on your hands. Cranky Fae are dangerous Fae. Granted all Fae are dangerous, but a Fae that is suffering from the embarrassment of losing is liable to lash out in a particularly nasty manner. If there is any available loophole to be found that they can use to get out of meeting the terms, then they will employ it. There is no such thing as a Fae who pays up gracefully.

  The point of this description is that playing games of any kind with the Fae is a very bad idea. The odds are very good that you will be losing. The odds are even better that if you somehow manage to win, then you will not be collecting whatever it was that you were promised during the inducement to play phase of your encounter.

  Trust me on this. You may tell me that you have seen and heard stories all of your days about those who have played games with the Fae and won. I have only this to offer you in reply -- fiction is fiction. You would do well to remember that. Even when such tales are based in the truth, you should ask yourself one very important question -- who is doing the story telling? The rare winners may like to share their tales, but those with less successful experiences are hardly likely to make a habit of sharing the details of either their losses or the manner in which they were cheated out of their spoils in the end. You may not think I make any more reliable of a source, but I can assure you that I know exactly what I am talking about.

  My own mother (who is otherwise as laid back and easygoing of a woman as you may ever hope to encounter) undergoes a strange sort of a transformation whenever the opportunity to participate in the playing of any sort of a game arises. Some might (and they have) even use the term vindictive. She very much wants to win, but she wants even more to ensure that everyone who challenges her loses. That may sound like it should be the same sort of a thing, but it turns out to be something very different in practice.

  I still shudder at the memory of the poor, unknowing woman my uncle had brought home with him for her first family dinner when she got suckered into a game of spoons. She never knew what hit her (literally). Fortunately, the first aid kit was readily accessible. We also moved quickly enough that the blood did not stain the tablecloth. She has never played a game with any of us again, and it was two years before she could be coaxed into making a return appearance at Thanksgiving.

  My mother thought it was funny and (to this day) cannot be prevailed upon to admit that she did anything out of the ordinary. There is a very good reason for that -- to her that was an ordinary game being played in an ordinary way. It is not that she refuses to see where the issue arose -- it is that she quite literally cannot see why there was an issue. She has labeled that guest (now my aunt on my father’s side) a poor sport and makes semi snide comments about her standoffishness whenever a pack of cards is produced in her presence. My aunt (for her part) always quickly finds an excuse to leave the room whenever the words “play” or “game” are spoken.

  I would like you to consider the implications. If my level headed mother with three generations of bloodline diluting still behaves in that sort of a manner over a simple game of cards in which no wagers had been placed, then how much worse would the situation be with a full blooded member of the Fae engaged in a battle in which they have something tangible on the table that they might lose?

  Did I mention that the Fae also have an affinity for gambling? It should be a rather easy logical jump to make what with the game playing obsession and all, but it should probably be stated flat out. There will be terms if you find yourself in the midst
of a true Fae game. There will be something that will be required of you if you lose, and the Fae do not play for trinkets or small wagers. They like their stakes to be high (and in keeping with their affinity for loopholes and cheating, they like the stakes of their opponent to be higher than their own).

  It is a skill of theirs to make it sound as if they are offering something of great value that you will think that you desperately desire to have. It is a bit of a dazzling glamour that they have going (it is a part of the way that they cheat). You need to be clear headed enough to ask yourself questions about what it is that they are really offering. I can guarantee you that it is not actually what you think it is when you first hear the terms. Whether that is because of a twist in their phrasing or the fact that they are overwhelming you with their presence and distracting you at the time, it will not turn out the way that you think that it will. They have lots of practice, and they choose their words very carefully.

  I have been dealing with distant relations on my mother’s side all of my life. They like to tell stories every bit as much as humans