The Burden of Trust

by Nikki Frank

  The touch of his bare chest on my back made me flinch. “Iya,” I hissed, “we’re not―”

  “Shh . . .”

  Keeping our bodies close, he worked the muscles in my arms until he reached my hands. I surprised myself by running my fingers along his. The heat from the covers had permeated my body. My brain fuzzed up, and my body acted on its own, volunteering my neck and ear to his searching lips.

  Was it the weight of Iya’s body or the heat which made breathing so difficult? He pulled, and my body yielded until his hand closed over my breast. The intimate touch sent a wave of cold water across me. I wiggled to the side and put a hand against his chest, pulling the sheet over mine.

  “We can’t,” I gasped.

  “Why not?” he purred.

  “I’m not ready.”

  His eyes flicked from my flushed cheeks to my heaving chest. “You look ready to me.”

  “Impulse and anticipation are two entirely different things.” I scooched closer and stroked his cheek. “You deserve anticipation. We agree to start at like. Let’s not let things get awkward.”

  Iya sighed and pushed himself away from me. When his body went slack with sleep, I rolled to face him. His hair flickered in the dark, dim as if it too slept. In its light, his face was peaceful and handsome. I didn’t want to cause tension, but . . .

  A new idea occurred to me. I didn’t have a problem sleeping with Iya when I was drunk. And that time, it had been wrong. Would letting myself get carried away and doing it now when I had no more hearts to break be so bad? A little voice nagged me. I did have one more heart to break―mine. But mine was already in pieces, would it really hurt me more to make Iya feel better?

  Rolling away from the light of his hair, I expected the darkness to close in and bring sleep. Instead, the room held perfect definition. I blinked once, twice, but the vision didn’t fade. Excitement tingled throughout my body. The bond must have given me night vision because Iya had it. I thought of all the times during my last adventure I’d needed this skill. Well, better late than never.

  What other perks had the pair bond given me? Had I offered anything in return to Iya? I lay back against my pillow and magicked a shirt back on, pondering over Iya and all the things our bond meant. Sleep came reluctantly, finally blotting out the whirling thoughts.

  Chapter 14

  I woke to a soft kiss on my temple. “Good morning, Olivia.”

  Iya leaned in to kiss my lips. My heart fluttered mutinously at his touch. Maybe Talon and I had grown further apart during my stalling than I’d realized. I gently returned the kiss. Iya pulled back, looking surprised.

  “Something wrong?” I asked, sitting up and pulling on a robe.

  “Not precisely. I didn’t expect . . . I don’t know . . . affection.”

  A rush of hot guilt rolled through me. “I promised to treat you better. I’m not ready to sleep with you. Or even . . .” The thought of fooling around called up a blush. “But it seemed wrong not to kiss my husband on our wedding night. And then . . .” Heat raged across my face.

  “You liked kissing me.” A sleek grin followed his statement.

  “I know what I want to do today,” I said, changing the subject.

  “I do, too.” Iya pressed me back into the pillows.

  “Geez,” I jammed a knuckle into his side, making him squirm away, “not that.”

  Iya cocked his head and stared intently at me. “You really never slept with Talon?”

  “No.”

  “Are you scared? I mean you’ve already done it, so . . .”

  “I remember nothing of what we did. If . . . when we do anything, it’ll be like having sex for the first time.”

  “When?” Iya’s disappointment in an undefined wait time came through loud and clear.

  “I’m waiting for the perfect moment. I screwed things up so bad the first time that my second first time is going to be a fairytale in bed.”

  “What would have been more perfect than your wedding night?”

  “A time when I love the other person.”

  Iya propped himself on his elbow, scrutinizing me. “But you loved Talon, and you didn’t end up sleeping with him.”

  “Why the third degree?” I scowled at Iya. “What’s your problem?”

  “I’m trying to understand. Will you ever even give sex a chance? You said if at first.”

  I grit my teeth. “I can’t imagine being married for as long as we probably will without ever having sex. But we’ll have sex when the time is ideal. There’ll be love and romance, and everything will be like a movie. I’m not settling for some sweaty guilt-fest in the heat of the moment. I can control myself and wait.”

  Iya fluffed up his hair. “I see your point. But let me add this. The perfect moment doesn’t exist. And you might miss a really good one by waiting for something better. Do you still wonder about what it would have been like to sleep with Talon? That ship has sailed, and you’ll never get the experience. You had love, for sure. You probably had good opportunities. But you passed them up in the hopes of perfect. What might you miss the next time?”

  He smirked at me. “I’m not worried about us. You falling in love with me is inevitable. And we’re bonded for life. So, we’ll get our chance.”

  “You make it sound like I should have slept around.”

  “No. Love is important. By all means, wait for that. I’m only debating the validity of perfect.”

  I sighed and rolled, propping myself up on an elbow in a mirror of him. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “Sure.” He reached over and stroked my cheek. “I aligned our magic yesterday afternoon. But if we’re going in after the goblin king as assassins, we need to be a well-oiled machine. We should practice.”

  “You know, I thought about that last night. I don’t think a little practice this morning is going to matter. We’re going to have to use any downtime on our journey for practice. Matching skill sets takes more than a few hours.” A new thought occurred to me. “If I kill the Goblin King, his throne doesn’t pass to me, does it?”

  “No. They pass on the magic contract by birth. So, unless you’re the first-born child of the Goblin King, there’s not much chance of inheriting.”

  “Hmm . . . what about the crown prince?” I asked. “I’ve heard rumors he’s more moderate than his father.”

  “He ought to be.” Iya lay back on his pillow, folding his arms thoughtfully behind his head. “Prince Tezky is only about forty. In contrast, King Valkyv is near the millennium mark. Maybe this year or the next. Shandian guessed that King Valkyv believes reaching one thousand will prove the superiority of the goblin race, hence the plan to purge the Borderlands of us less-worthy inhabitants.”

  “What about Tezky?” I lay down on my stomach, crossing my arms and tucking my chin in. His arm muscles were flexed, the shirt around them tight. The view was a bit distracting, so I dropped my gaze to the sheets instead.

  “I haven’t actually met him. The only time he came to Hakushi, Shandian entertained him. Of course, my father went as well. But being only five at the time, Mother was terrified I’d be eaten. She told me the most horrifying stories about goblins and said if I snuck away with my father, I’d be next.”

  I smothered a laugh, looking up at his face. “Did you sneak off so often?”

  His cheeky grin gleamed back at me. “Whenever I could, but not that time. I had Nobi sleep in my bed every night until Father came home.”

  “Where did you sneak off to?”

  “Everywhere.” He rolled back toward me, bringing our faces close together. “Let’s just say my father had to double-check every bag as he left. I desperately wanted to rule. I thought that by going with him, I’d learn faster. And . . .” His voice died, and his head sagged.

 
“And . . .” I prompted.

  “And I studied his weaknesses . . . so I could kill him.”

  “Oh. That’s awful.”

  He turned a pitiful look on me. “I keep telling you. An akuma child is a frightening thing for their parents. Even as a tiny boy, I already wanted to do him in. Sitting on his throne, it’s easy for me to say I wish he were still here, so he could teach me more. But before he died, such wishes wouldn’t have stopped me.”

  Morbid curiosity had taken over me. “How come you didn’t kill him?”

  “No opportunity. I stopped looking for chances because I, ah . . .” he sat up abruptly, rubbing his hair nervously. “I got distracted chasing other excesses . . . indulging some other needs.” His ears flattened back, pressing tight against his head.

  I sat up, reaching for the ear closest to me. “What’s with your ears?”

  He patted them. “Oh, that’s how akuma blush. Red skin and all.”

  “Ah.” I’d never seen Iya blush. Not surprising since he rarely seemed unsettled in any situation. This only fueled my already piqued curiosity. “What other needs were so important you’d ignore the throne?”

  “About that . . .” His ears remained stuck to his head.

  Realization struck me. “You were whoring?”

  “They weren’t for hire.” His gaze stayed fixed on his hands, which were unnecessarily smoothing out the sheets.

  “So, they were just sluts,” I snapped. “They weren’t even trying to earn a living.”

  “I’m sure they were hoping to make a living as the wife of the next demon lord.”

  “Oh, even better. Gold-digging sluts.”

  “Would you stop?” He shot a glare my way. “Most of them were otherwise upstanding girls. I may have been a bit misleading.”

  “Most of them?” My voice echoed off the walls. “How many were there?”

  “I don’t know. Ten, twenty.”

  “Twenty?” I shrieked.

  “No. That doesn’t sound right.” He started ticking names off on his fingers.

  I grabbed a pillow and slung it into the back of his head. “You’re disgusting.” I smacked him again.

  He grabbed the pillow and yanked, making the fabric rip. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were jealous.”

  “No.” I bit back furious tears. “I’m not jealous. I’ve been demoted. I went from number one and only with Talon to number whatever with you.”

  “I didn’t love anyone I slept with. You have no competition in my heart.”

  I yanked on the pillow again, and it tore open, sending out a snow-flurry of feathers. “So, you’re a hypocrite? You spouted off about how waiting for love was great, but it’s all right for you to be a man-whore. I want to be special, to be beloved.”

  Suddenly, he pinned me to the bed on my back. “Who said you aren’t? Those girls were nothing but satisfaction for my excesses. You drive me crazy, and yet somehow, I find myself crazy in love. Not to mention, you’re the dream partner for an akuma: power, wealth, talent, fire, looks. Most women in your position, with your assets, would be complete bitches.”

  He nuzzled into my neck, and his teeth grazed my skin. “You have no idea how much I desire you. Waiting is going to be so hard, but I want you to want me.”

  “Redecorating?” Naruhi asked from the doorway. She and Nobi had breakfast suspended between them.

  I used Iya’s face to hurry out of the bed. “No, we were . . . arguing,” I finished lamely. The two of us on the bed, the torn pillows, certainly didn’t look like an argument.

  “I’m sure.” Naruhi smiled at me. “Iya can draw out that reaction in a woman.” She set the trays of food beside the bed.

  My stomach growled, and I pulled the lid off mine. Scrambled eggs and bacon, diced potatoes, and local fruit. Yum. I popped the first bite of eggs in my mouth and washed them down with milk. A moment later, my stomach revolted, and I ran for the bathroom.

  When I returned, even the smell of breakfast churned my innards. “Naruhi, I think you need to look into the eggs or the milk. One of them has definitely gone bad.” I gagged, tasting bile in my mouth. “Can you please get the trays out of here?”

  Iya snatched the bacon off his plate as the shi complied with my request. “I wanted to try one thing before we left.” He paused, eyeing me. “Your yellow looks a little too green. Are you all right?”

  I twisted my hair up off the back of my neck to get some extra air on my skin. “I’ll be okay. It’s just expired food. What did you have in mind?”

  “A little sparring. I know you’re an assassin. I want to see your style. I trained to fight at my father’s palace. An akuma lord needs to be ready to guard their throne, but I never fought for real. We ought to see the other’s style and how they might fit together.”

  “I think we can do that.” I pulled off my robe, facing him in the camisole I wore underneath. My pajama pants moved enough to do this.

  Iya followed suit, pulling off his shirt. Sweet heavens above. I’d forgotten how sexy that view was. I tried to focus. We weren’t going there. Besides, if I watched those gorgeous lines of muscle disappear into his pants, I’d―my back hit the floor. Iya perched over me, fist to the bridge of my nose.

  “Is this all the skill a great assassin needs on Earth? You purged your district with this level of competence?”

  I snarled, pushing him off me, to the side. “Stop making fun of me. You know I fight better than this. We’ve gone at each other harder before.”

  “Well,” he stood and held out a hand to help me up, “going at you always makes me hard, but the times you’re referring to were fueled by raging demon magic. What happened, or can you not fight without the magic?”

  “I got distracted, okay?” I took his hand and pulled myself up but refused to meet his eyes. I wasn’t feeding his ego by letting him know I’d been looking . . . admiring.

  “What distraction?” Exasperation tinged his voice. “It’s just the two of us in here and . . . oh, I get it.” His tone completely shifted.

  I glanced up and caught his devastatingly handsome and equally cocky grin.

  “Well,” now he spoke in a teasing purr, “I can’t promise not to make fun of you if you can’t act professionally.” He took my shoulders and pulled me against his chest. “But all you have to do is say the word, and we’ll get those distractions out of your system and come back to this with renewed focus.”

  I twisted, using my shoulder under his thigh to throw him off balance. “Like hell.”

  Fighting with focus left Iya in a losing battle. Without magic or weapons, I beat him every time. He could occasionally pin me, but I always managed to squirm away. He’d never sparred with a smaller partner and wasn’t good at covering the gaps.

  After numerous rounds, I flopped on the bed, heaving for breath. Iya lay over me, taking most of his weight on his elbows. “The image of you sweaty and panting on the bed in your cami is perfection.”

  “Don’t be gross.” I put my hands on his chest and pulled them back, wiping them on his pants. “Nasty, you’re sweaty, too.”

  He leaned until his nose nearly brushed mine. “How about we shower together? Save water.”

  “Not necessary.” I stared at him, daring him to continue. Though what I’d do if he did . . . “I can wash myself,” I added, trying to refind my commitment to holding him at bay.

  “Who said anything about washing?” Iya’s tongue ran the edge of my ear.

  “Iya. Stop.” The words sounded half-hearted, even to me. Dammit. Where had all my conviction gone?

  Now his teeth grazed my earlobe. “Kiss me, and I won’t ask for more.”

  I twisted and pecked his cheek. “There, get off.”

  “You can’t want to get away all that badly. You just sp
ent an hour escaping the few times I managed to pin you, yet here you still are, under me.” He gave a purr, his breath warm on my lips. “Now, a real kiss, and I’ll let you up.”

  I closed my eyes, and his lips touched mine. The room had been hot already, but now it sweltered. My lips followed the movement of his, never trying to break the kisses. He slid me down the bed toward him. My camisole pulled up, and I startled as his naked belly touched mine. Sweat on sweat, he slipped across me until his hips pressed into mine.

  Oh my God. He was way too excited. I squirmed out sideways.

  “You had your kiss. We’re good.” I rushed to the shower before he could try enticing me to stay. A tiny traitorous part of me might just do that.

  ~ ~ ~

  After lunch, we gathered up everyone to go back to my palace. After a brief goodbye to Tomi and a zero-fanfare exit, we snuck into Setmyth forest. Katriane and I wore dark hooded robes to cover our heads and much of our faces. We wanted to remain inconspicuous, so we disguised ourselves as arae. They were minor demons of curses. No one would mess with one of them.

  Iya led the way with his shi, talking with Emmett and Elita. From the snatches of conversation I caught, he pumped them for details on my last adventure. Behind the group came my two dragons. We made a heavily armored party.

  Talon walked between Katriane and I. Each time he took a stride, his arm brushed my robe, and each brush brought a fresh surge of remorse and regret. Talon had deserved to know the moment my first fear of commitment appeared. But I’d hidden my wavering feelings like a coward and created a perfect storm of pain for him. Add to that the new feelings I felt toward Iya and it all left me a traitor’s load of guilt.

  How could I ever apologize adequately to him, or explain what I could barely put into words myself? How could I make him see I needed him, just not in the way I once did? Was I evil for even having such feelings? What right did I have to love him so much, yet not want to bond with him? What I wanted most was to see him happy, or at least not miserable.