Always On His Mind

by Shanae Johnson

  Reece had been kissing her. It had been better than her wildest dreams. Better than her waking wishes. Better than she could have ever imagined.

  And then she’d opened her mouth and ruined it.

  Did she really have to make her declaration of love right at that moment? It couldn’t have waited until they had been married for, perhaps, a full day? She couldn’t have maybe waited until morning to lay it on thick and then make him run for the spare bedroom?

  But another part of her revolted. Reece already knew how she felt. She'd written it all down for him. He had the letter to prove it. But saying it all like that, while standing face to face with him, without giving him time and space to compose his own thoughts, it had been too much.

  Beth tossed and turned under the coverlet in the unfamiliar bed. The full bed was far too spacious for her body. She felt drowned in the expanse of sheets.

  The day had been perfect. Despite all of the gaffs. The dress, the shows, the vows, her father turning up and giving his blessing. But also Reece.

  He had been so attentive to her throughout the entire day. He’d kept his hand at her back for most of the day. When they’d been separated, she’d often glanced up to catch him seeking her out. When he’d find her, he’d narrow his gaze, as though asking if she were alright. She would nod. Fifteen minutes later, he’d do it again; seek her out and inquire after her wellbeing.

  Now she was alone, in a large bed, tangled in sheets, chiding herself for jumping to a conclusion during his hesitation. Beth ran her hand over her face. The cold touch of metal opened her eyes. She gazed at the ring that Reece had chosen for her. She wasn't sure how he'd gotten it so quickly nor where from. But it was perfect.

  The colorful ring was exactly what she'd have chosen for herself. It proved that the Reece she'd known all her life, the one who knew her, was still in there somewhere.

  Some part of him wanted her. The problem was she couldn't get that shell-shocked look he'd worn when she'd declared her love for him out of her mind. She'd hinted at her feelings to him once years ago. Just once. It was enough.

  He'd given her the same look he'd given her tonight. Back then, she hadn't been as explicit in her ardor. His response had been to call her his sister. That had doused cold water on the flame she’d been trying to stoke.

  She'd been able to laugh it off that one time. She couldn't laugh about it now. Not with his ring on her finger and him in the next room.

  A choked sound came from the other room. A loud gasp, like someone who’d already let out a string of chuckles and was now trying to catch their breath.

  Wait? Was he laughing? She could hear him in the next room. There were more gasps. Followed by a series of short bursts. It could have been coughing, but it sounded more like chortling.

  Were the chuckles at her expense? There was something off about the sounds. They didn’t sound joyful or chiding. They sounded painful.

  Beth rose from the bed. She put her bare feet on the floor and held still to listen. She wanted to be sure. She’d embarrassed herself enough for one night.

  The next burst of sounds confirmed it. Those weren't chuckles. They sounded like moans of pain.

  Beth rushed out of the room. From the hall to the living room, the house was dark. As she stepped closer to Reece’s room, she saw that no light shone from beneath his door.

  She lifted her fist and knocked. No response. No acknowledgment.

  She was on the verge of convincing herself that she’d heard things. She was about to turn away. But then she heard it again; the unmistakable cry of pain.

  Beth tried the door. It was unlocked. She hesitated for only a second, wondering if she should invade his privacy without permission. She'd been hasty in everything she'd done so far, why stop now.

  She pulled the door open to a thick darkness. It took her eyes more than a few seconds to adjust. And then she saw him.

  Reece lay writhing beneath the sheets. His features were contorted in agony. With his next move, he kicked off the sheets, and Beth got a clear sight of his bare chest.

  Her husband was in sweat pants and bare feet. She wasn't sure why his bare skin shocked her. She'd seen him in swim trunks more times than she could count.

  He moaned again, the sound sent a shudder through her body. She felt the echo of pain run down her spine. Whatever was there in his dreams was not pleasant. His fists balled, and his legs pumped as though he were trying to get away from whatever was behind his eyelids.

  Beth took a step toward him and stopped. Pastor Patel had told her to approach soldiers cautiously when they were unaware of her presence. But she couldn't bear to see Reece in misery.

  Reece had never been a violent man. He'd never do anything to hurt her physically. She just needed to make sure he knew it was her.

  She knew that awakening to the darkness would disorient him. Reaching out, she felt for the wall paneling. Her fingers hit pay dirt when she found the light switch. She flipped it up, and light flooded the room.

  Reece roared awake. He threw his arms over his face. "Off. The lights. Off.”

  "Okay, okay."

  Beth fumbled for the switch. Once the switch was down, the room was cast back into darkness. She heard Reece panting as though he'd been running for his life.

  "Reece, are you okay?"

  Stupid question. Clearly, he wasn't. He didn't answer. He was too busy gulping air into his lungs.

  "Should I call Pastor Patel? Or Ruhi?"

  Ruhi would be a better choice. The nurse, who lived on the ranch with her soldier husband and their infant, was just a few doors down.

  "Beth?" Reece breathed. His voice sounded broken.

  Caution told her to keep her distance. Her heart shut that idea down. It was Reece, and he was in distress.

  "Beth?" There was a note of panic in his voice now.

  "I'm here." She made her way to the bed in two strides.

  Before she could climb on the mattress, his arms snaked out and grabbed her. Reece brought her down onto the bed beside him. His hold was a vise grip.

  "Don't go," he murmured into her hair.

  Beth lay on her back while he was on his side. Their bodies were flush together. One of his arms pressed against her shoulder blades to mold her body into his. Another hand was in her hair, holding her against him.

  "It's okay,” said Beth. “I’m here. I won't go."

  "The light.” His breathing remained harsh. “It brings back the memories. Some of them are blinding. They feel like a physical burn. But when you're near ... it doesn't hurt as much. It's like your light is brighter. It's how I knew it was right to reach for you on that first day. And now."

  Reece’s heart pounded against her chest. She was certain he felt hers pounding the same rhythm. The organ was trying to get out of her chest and go to him.

  "Stay with me?" he begged.

  "Forever,” she agreed.

  Reece wrapped himself around her and was asleep in minutes. For the remainder of the night, they rested peacefully inside each other’s arms.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Did I ever tell you how we ended up just outside an insurgency stronghold?” said Sgt. Chase.

  All eyebrows were raised in incredulity. Except of course for Ortega and Lucas. Reece lifted one brow. Though he didn’t remember the story, he knew the significance of nearly crossing into lands overrun by insurgents.

  The five permanent male residents of the Purple Heart Ranch and the four men of Reece’s fire team were gathered in one of the barns. That particular barn had been remodeled into a gaming room. There were three flat screen televisions. An array of gaming consoles from Play stations to Nintendos to an old fashion Atari.

  Surprisingly, Reece remembered the game he was playing. He’d beaten Specialist Sean Jeffries a number of times. Jeffries could’ve grumbled that his lack of concentration was due to having a baby at home, but he didn’t. He took his licks and got up again.

  Reece liked the man. Jeffries was quiet and d
idn’t ask him any questions. None of the men in the room tried to get Reece to talk about his memories. Not even when they recounted times in the military, like now.

  “We were patrolling a border city, but something happened to the military charts.” Sgt. Chase slid a sideways glance over to Ortega.

  The man’s dimples made an appearance as he spoke. “I still maintain they were in my bag when we left the base.”

  “So, this fool,” Chase spoke over Ortega, “pulled up Google Maps.”

  “He didn’t,” groaned Sgt. Banks. The man rubbed his hands over his eyes.

  “As you know,” Chase continued, "Google Maps isn’t known for its accuracy; hence, you’re often rerouted. We just so happened to be a mile and a half off in accuracy.”

  All the men groaned now.

  “We nearly caused an international incident because we used a navigation system that’s best for locating the closest Starbucks and not military patrol routes.”

  “Hey.” Ortega lifted his hands, as though in defense of his actions. “A good, dark roast is worth fighting over.”

  All the men laughed, Reece included. He couldn’t remember the incident, though it would have happened during the time he was on the team. Still, Reece enjoyed being amongst the men. It felt right. Mostly. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.

  “Married life is agreeing with you,” said Ortega as he came over and slumped down in the chair Jeffries had just vacated.

  Reece nodded. His marriage to Beth was agreeing with him completely. He’d been enjoying wedded bliss for only two days.

  He and Beth had developed a routine. They had breakfast together in the mornings, discussing various topics. None to do with his memories or lack thereof. They had quietly decided to start with the present and forge a new life together with new memories.

  During the day, Reece milked cows, rode horses, and did other chores around the farm. Beth went off with Reegan to the gardens. Although she came back each evening without a spot of dirt on herself, so he wasn’t sure exactly what form of gardening his wife was or wasn’t doing. Then the two had lunch with the others in the afternoon.

  In the evenings, they’d make dinner together in their small kitchen with produce from the gardens and meat from the farm. Afterward, they’d read the Bible together. That was Reece’s favorite part of the day; listening to Beth recite passages from his worn devotional.

  When it came time for bed, Beth made sure all the lights were extinguished before climbing into his bed. After a few chaste kisses, they settled their heads on their pillows and were asleep instantly. At least he was. Holding Beth in his arms brought him total peace.

  They were taking things slow, getting to know each other for who they were in this time and not in the past. Yet, Reece felt he knew everything he needed to know about the woman he’d given his vows to. All that was left was becoming the man she needed him to be.

  Reece wasn’t sure who that was now that he’d been discharged from the service. He’d been told he’d had plans to reenlist, but with his current condition that wasn’t going to be a possibility.

  He and Beth had no worries financially at the moment. They lived rent-free on the ranch, and his pension covered any other expenses they might have. But it wasn’t enough to give him a sense of purpose. He just wasn’t sure where to look.

  “Beth?”

  “Hmm?” She turned the page of his Bible looking for the passage where they’d left off the previous evening.

  “There’s Wednesday Night Bible study at the church,” he said.

  “You remember that?”

  Her thumb and forefinger pinched the page she’d been about to turn. Beth was the only person who didn’t have hope in her eyes about his amnesia. She had caution when she thought he might remember something.

  “No, I don’t. I read it on the church’s website.”

  “Oh,” she said. “Yes, there is. It starts in about an hour.”

  “I’d like to go to church,” said Reece.

  “To … our church?”

  Reece nodded. “I only have happy memories about the church. It’s probably because you’re in most of those memories. All of my memories of you are always good ones.”

  “I’m not perfect.” Beth shut the Bible with a decisive thunk. “I have my vices. You and I have even had our share of disagreements in the past.”

  “I know.”

  That caution showed again in her eyes. Her jaw tightened as though she was holding her breath. She searched his gaze as though she might be able to see what he was remembering. Ever since he’d told her that some memories gave him physical pain, she’d been like one of those gargoyles over churches, watching and waiting to ward off anything that might trespass in his mind.

  “I remember the strawberry versus chocolate ice cream debacle,” Reece clarified.

  Beth blinked. Then an unexpected giggle loosened her clenched jaw. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

  “That was a brutal battle between the two of us. I seem to remember sprinkles being thrown.”

  “You started it.” She grinned, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “We’re still not allowed in Mr. Vincetti’s ice cream parlor.”

  “I’m sure when you admit chocolate is best, you’ll be welcomed back like a civilized person.”

  “Never.” Her growl was that of a fierce kitten.

  Reece loved these moments with her. He preferred nothing better than to remember the good times he’d shared with his wife or to make new memories with her in the safety of their home. But he craved a wider community and deeper relationship with God and church. His church.

  As their laughter over the ice cream flavor memory died down, Reece noted the hesitancy return to Beth’s features. He wasn’t sure why? He thought she and her father had made up at the wedding.

  “There’s something you should know,” she said. “I was engaged.”

  “To be married?”

  She nodded.

  “To someone else?”

  “The youth pastor.” Beth smoothed her hand over Reece’s Bible. Peeking from the inside cover was the worn page of the letter she’d written to him. “When you didn’t answer my letter, I took it as a rejection. When you went missing, I decided to try and carve out a semblance of a life without you. So, I said yes to Walter.”

  Walter? What man had a name like Walter? It was a grandpa’s name. Reece disliked him instantly.

  “When you said you were engaged …?”

  “I broke it off when you came back,” Beth said. “I knew I couldn’t have married Walter the moment I saw you again. These feelings I have for you are permanent. They’re so big. They can’t be ignored.”

  Reece pulled his wife to him. He set aside the Bible with her love letter to him inside its pages. He took her chin in his hands and brought her lips to his in a kiss.

  It wasn’t one of their chaste kisses before bed. This kiss was a claiming kiss. Reece pressed his lips to Beth’s firmly. He had every intention of leaving a mark. He wanted every man to know that Beth was his.

  When he pulled away from her, her breath was ragged, and she appeared a bit disoriented. Reece wasn’t. His mind was clear, and his point had been made. Her lips were swollen, and her hazy gaze was focused entirely on him, just where he would always keep it.

  “Thank you for telling me,” he said. “But what does that have to do with Bible study?”

  “Walter preaches at the church. When I decided to marry you, I figured I’d give him some space. That’s why I haven’t been back.”

  “You said he was the youth pastor? He’s not likely to be at a nighttime Bible Study. Besides that, you shouldn’t run from the place you love because of this.”

  “I do miss it.”

  “Me too.”

  “Then, let’s go.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Of course, Walter was at the church when they arrived. Because that was just Beth’s luck. As Beth and Reece walked down th
e halls, hand in hand, Walter came out of his office followed by the young couple they’d counseled just a couple of weeks ago. In the fluorescent light of the hallway, a small diamond glinted on Nathalie’s left hand.

  “They said as long as I get my Associate’s degree, and if I can save up enough for first and last month’s rent, then we can get married next year.”

  Nathaniel beamed down at his fiancée. Walter nodded his head. He smiled at the young couple, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. In fact, his features looked a bit worn and haggard.

  “We were ignoring faith and hope,” said Nathalie. “We’d planted too many doubts in our parents' minds. Your fiancée was right.”

  Walter’s jaw tensed. His smile dropped by degrees. Then he looked up to find Beth and Reece approaching, and his features went positively frigid.

  Nat and Nat looked at Beth and Reece’s joined hands. Confusion spread over the teenagers' faces. They looked to each other, then to Pastor Vance. Wordlessly, they made the decision to walk past the new couple and the odd man out.

  “Pastor Vance, I’m Reece Cartwright.” Reece stuck out his hand. “I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.”

  Walter looked at the proffered hand. The weariness in his features spread like wildfire. In the end, the man took a deep breath and clasped Reece’s hand.

  “I thought you lost your memory?” said Walter.

  “I lost my memory, but not my way to the Lord. Beth was the guiding light that brought me back home, back to myself.”

  Walter took another deep breath. A slight sheen of sweat dotted his forehead as though this interlude was exerting him greatly. “God be praised that you are home and well. But I’ll need to ask your forgiveness if I can’t yet congratulate you on your marriage. I may be a man of the cloth, but I am by no means perfect. I’m suffering from a bout of both envy and jealousy at the moment.”

  Though Beth stood at Reece’s side, their hands still clasped, Walter only looked at Reece. His words were meant for her, but he still hadn’t acknowledged her.

  “‘And whenever you stand praying, forgive,’” said Reece. “‘If you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”