Always On His Mind

by Shanae Johnson

  "You didn't sleep well?" he asked.

  "Neither did you," she countered. "Nightmares?" She hoped it was nightmares and not memories.

  Reece shook his head. "Too many thoughts."

  Beth filled her lungs slowly, then let out the breath before he could speak. “What kind of thoughts?”

  He didn’t turn away from her. He peered into her. Past the windows of her eyes. Down into the chambers of her heart. Until his light touched her soul.

  "You have always been there when I needed you," he said. "I'm very lucky to have had you in my life."

  She was a balloon, stretching its confines with the breath of his words. One more syllable from him and she would burst open.

  Beth shut her eyes. She was far too overwhelmed. Relief rushed through her, giving her a little room to wiggle.

  Maybe it would be okay; when she told him about the letter. Because she had to tell him. She wouldn’t have their relationship based on lies and secrets. Maybe he could still love her as more than a friend when he knew.

  Reece’s hand snaked around her waist. Beth opened her eyes as his long, lean body came in contact with hers from his chest on down to his bare toes. He pulled her to him … and kissed her on the forehead.

  She let out a sigh. Her breath hit his Adam’s apple. She had the urge to taste the bobbing bit of skin. Before she could act on the impulse, the doorbell rang.

  Reece released her. Sliding out of bed, he pulled on a T-shirt to cover his bare chest. In a T-shirt, pajama bottoms, and bare feet, he went to answer the door.

  "It's just Reegan," he called a moment later.

  “Just Reegan,” came his sister’s indignant reply.

  Despite the turmoil inside Beth, she chuckled at the siblings' banter. “I’ll be out in a bit. Just gonna shower."

  Beth took her time getting out of the bed. She wasn’t ready to begin this day, not knowing how it would end. Walking over to the closet, she grabbed her purse from its hook. She took the letter from its depths. Unfolding the missive, she read the lines again.

  Reece had said he was a new man the day of their marriage. Maybe he didn’t harbor these feelings anymore? Maybe he had developed new romantic feelings for her. It was possible. But she wouldn’t know until she brought it to him.

  She knew today had to be the day she told her husband about his letter. But the day lasted until 11:59 pm. No need to rush it.

  Stuffing the letter back in her purse, she padded into the bathroom on bare feet. The tiled room was cold. Beth decided to indulge and run the shower a few minutes to heat up the room. Realizing she’d forgotten her clothes, she headed back to the bedroom, closing the bathroom door behind her to keep in all the heat.

  "Mrs. Clarkson brought these pictures over this morning," Reegan said from the other room. "Nearly everything was lost in the fire; all the photo albums. The neighbors have been looking through their albums and finding pictures with us in them so that we have some memories."

  "Oh,” laughed Reece. “Is that Martin Burns? He lived four doors down. He cheated at chess. He’s working on Wall Street now, isn’t he?”

  "You remember Martin?” Reegan asked. “He was a cheater, and he does work in New York now. What else do you remember?”

  Beth couldn’t see Reece, but she felt his hesitation. The floorboards creaked as he rose. Beth ducked into the bedroom. Peering through the crack of the door’s hinge, she saw Reece poke his head around the corner and look at the closed bathroom door. After a second, he turned back to his sister in the other room.

  "I remember everything," he said.

  Reegan squealed. Reece rushed out of Beth’s sightline. She heard him hush his sister.

  "I don't want Beth to know,” he said.

  "Why not?" asked Reegan.

  Why not? Beth knew exactly why not, and it made her knees weak. It made her stomach knot. It made her heart shatter into a tiny million pieces.

  Reece knew. He knew their marriage was all a sham. If he remembered weasely Martin Burns, then he surely remembered that he didn’t love her. Clearly, Reece was trying to figure out how to let her down and get out of a marriage to a woman he didn’t love.

  Beth couldn't breathe. She had to get out of here. She pulled a dress over her head, sneakers on her feet, and then she opened the bedroom window.

  Outside, the ground was still wet from the rain. A puddle of mud lay right under the window. With only a moment’s hesitation, Beth plunged herself feet first into the pile of dirt.

  Mud splattered all over her shoes, up her thighs, and on the folds of her sundress. She didn’t spare a care. Her future was already in a ditch. The rest of her might as well join in.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Reece shushed his sister, waving his hand at her in agitation. That feeling was another familiar thing; being annoyed by his twin sister. Oh, he loved and adored Reegan dearly, but her songbird voice often carried. This was not a song Reece wanted everyone to hear.

  He held up his hand, his fingers splayed. His ears strained to listen for any sign of movement, feminine gasp, or floorboard creaking. He heard nothing, but he needed to be certain.

  Balling his fingers into a fist, he looked meaningfully at his sister. Reegan frowned at him. The twin expression of annoyance she felt for him dripping off her features to be replaced with incomprehension.

  She wouldn’t know that his fisted hand signal meant stop in the military. Stop moving, stop talking. That there was possible danger afoot because something unknown was present.

  Reece wasn't sure if Beth had heard his confession. He needed to be sure. Sound wasn’t enough. He needed a sight line.

  On quiet feet, he tiptoed toward the hall. Peering down the passageway, he saw that the bathroom door was closed. From within, he heard the clear sounds of the shower running and saw the steam wafting up from under the door.

  She was in there. Had been in there for a while if steam was escaping. He let out a sigh and lowered his hand.

  "What's going on?" asked Reegan once he’d turned back to her. "Are you and Beth fighting?”

  “No, we’re not fighting,” said Reece. As a matter of fact, they hadn’t said much to each other since dinner last night. Something was on her mind, something she hadn’t cared to share with him.

  A terrible thought arrested Reece’s heart. He pinpointed the moment when Beth went silent. It was after running into her ex back at the church.

  Just as quickly as the thought came to mind, Reece dismissed it. The few furtive glances the Youth Pastor had given to Beth had been filled with a mixture of pain and longing. Whereas Beth had looked at him with only shame and remorse.

  There was no passion in her gaze as she looked up at her former fiancé. Not the way she looked at Reece. Not the way she’d looked at Reece their whole lives.

  Beth had loved him her whole life. If her letter to him hadn’t confirmed it, thinking back on all of their encounters now did confirm it. The woman of his dreams had been in arms reach his entire life, and he was only now coming to realize it.

  So, why had she begun pulling away from him last night?

  “You guys never fight,” said Reegan. “Not for real. Not when you were kids, not when you were older. I don’t think you two have ever had a real disagreement.”

  That was true. Reece remembered when he’d told Beth he was going to enlist. He’d expected her to jump for joy alongside him. Her feet had remained on the ground, her smile had turned upside down. She’d looked at him as though he’d told her there was no Santa Claus—which even as a teenager, she insisted that the jolly old man lived in everyone’s hearts.

  Aside from her adolescent view of Saint Nick and Christmas being her favorite holiday, Reece knew that the church was Beth’s favorite place in the world. She hadn’t strayed far from it or this community in all her life. Whereas he’d left and gone half a world away.

  Before his accident, he’d planned to reenlist. He’d been convinced that a military career was his calling. He’d c
onfided as much to Beth. It had been the first time she’d lied to him and pretended that she was happy for him.

  Was that why she’d clammed up last night? Was that why she hadn’t slept? Was she having second thoughts about her marriage to Reece? Was she waiting for the day he announced that he was returning to the service?

  He could return now that his memory was back. He could pass a psych evaluation, as well as a physical one. But the question was, did he want to?

  "I love her," Reece said.

  "I know," said Reegan in that annoying, know-it-all way of sisters.

  "No, you don’t get it. I really love her. Not like a friend or a sister. I love her like a man loves the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The woman he wants as the mother of his children.”

  Reegan leaned forward, one brow quirked up. "I know. I'm just glad you finally figured it out. Especially before she married Walter. He's a great guy. He just wasn’t right for her. It was only ever you for her.”

  It could’ve never been anyone else for him but her. He had to hope he’d have come to that realization eventually. He was just thankful that it hadn’t been too late as well. He now had his answer on whether or not he would go back into the Army.

  Losing his memory had saved his life. He’d always believed that serving his country was the most honorable thing a man could do. But there was a higher calling than that. Something that hit closer to home; serving his family, his community.

  "When did you get your memory back?"

  “Last night.” Reece spared his sister the details about what had triggered his memories to all click back into place. He knew she was still having a hard time with losing their family home to the fire. But now that he was back, they would rebuild. It would take time, but they could all stay on the ranch until the job was done.

  “And you haven’t told Beth yet? Why?”

  "I …"

  Reegan was right. Why was he hesitating? He didn't need any secrets between him and his wife. He gave his sister a hug and peck on the cheek and then ushered her out his front door. With the house now empty except for him and his wife, Reece made his way back down the hall.

  The muted sounds of water against tile could still be heard from the other side of the bathroom door. It was an unusually long shower. Beth wasn’t as mindful of the environment as his sister, but neither was she wasteful.

  He knocked on the door. After waiting a few seconds, he knocked again. Louder this time.

  "Beth?"

  Still no response.

  Reece began to worry. His hesitation lasted all of two seconds before he pulled open the bathroom door. He averted his gaze, but he didn’t need to. The bathroom was empty, save a thick cloud of steam.

  Reece didn’t bother turning off the water. A prickling sensation began at the bottom of his spine. As he took quick steps toward their bedroom, the prickling turned to sharp shards when he opened the bedroom door and found it also to be empty.

  Panic set in when he saw the open window. Had someone taken her? No, that was preposterous. He would’ve heard something. Even if it were remotely possible, the ranch was crawling with soldiers and veterans.

  Beth’s purse sat on the bedsheet. A sheet of paper sticking out of its belly. A light breeze ruffled through the open window caused the edges of the paper to flutter. The crackling sound of the parchment in the breeze drew Reece closer.

  He gave the edge a yank. Yet the moment his fingers came in contact with the page, he jerked his fingers away as though the paper seared his fingertips. But the sheet was already loose.

  There, floating to the ground, was the missive he’d fired off months ago. It landed on the top of his bare foot like a silent explosion. The edges of the pages curled as though the fire of the ink had singed the corners.

  Reece didn’t pick it up. He wanted to stomp it out so that it couldn’t burn the new life he’d woken up to. But clearly, it already had.

  So, he had mailed it. And she had opened it. He wasn’t sure what had made her run? The letter or overhearing that he’d gotten his memories back.

  It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he found her and told her what was in his heart in the present moment, and what he wanted for their future.

  He left the room, shouting her name. But she wasn't in the house. He looked in the front yard to see that her car was gone. She was gone.

  Chapter Twenty

  Beth drove aimlessly. The mud from her skirt smeared her elbow as she turned the wheel in directionless circles. She brushed at the mess of her dress, but the stains weren’t coming off anytime soon.

  Her mind was blank as she felt her heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Meanwhile, Reece was whole once more. With all his memories back, Reece would surely be looking for a way out of their sham of a marriage.

  She should have stayed and faced the mess she’d made. She shouldn't have gotten herself into this mess in the first place. She shouldn't have reached out to him when she knew his heart was not hers for the taking.

  But truth be told, it had been worth it.

  What was the saying? It was better to have loved and lost. Those words were true.

  If she had it to do all again … well, she wouldn’t give any of it up. The few days she’d gotten to spend as Reece’s wife were worth the sharp points now piercing her chest.

  The nights she'd spent in his arms, the furtive touches, the hungry kisses that were on a leash. Every second of it was worth the pain she was in now. Those memories would have to sustain her for the rest of her life because she was never walking down an aisle again. That would be the real lie; to let any other man believe that she could devote her heart to him.

  But also, the thought of a life without Reece in it looked beyond bleak. Her stomach tightened with nausea. Her shoulders felt sore and began to droop. There was a sharp pain in the back of her throat. And her vision began to blur from unshed tears that were very near to spilling from every corner of her eyes.

  Beth pulled off the main road. She could stomach being a hazard to herself, but she wasn’t about to hurt anyone else. Pulling into an empty parking lot, she cut the engine, put her head on the steering wheel, and let the tears flow.

  She cried every tear in her heart, every tear in her soul until nothing was left. She had no idea what she was going to do? She had no idea where she was going to go?

  The ringing of bells pulled her out of her misery. Beth looked up to find that she had subconsciously driven herself to the one place where she always felt whole and sure: church.

  Catching a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror, she couldn’t help but cringe. Elsbeth Barrett had always prided herself on her appearance. The woman looking back at her was a shell of the prim and perfect pastor’s daughter.

  Her hair was a rat’s nest. She wore no makeup, and the red rim of tears around her eyelids did her no justice. Her clothes and skin were mud splattered.

  Normally, she wouldn’t be caught dead in the state she was in. Appearances did mean something to her. But right now, she was so far from the woman she’d always portrayed herself to be.

  Beth climbed out of the car, not bothering to smooth out her sullied dress or her untidy hair. She went inside in search of her father. She knew now that her father wouldn't say I told you so when she confessed her sins about the foundation of her marriage. Pastor Barrett would do what he always did when one of his flock had gone wayward. He would guide her on the best course of action.

  Sure, he’d be disappointed in her actions. But Beth was ready to atone for that. She was ready to do whatever was necessary to make Reece happy, healthy, and whole. Because even though she’d gotten the better end of the bargain, her heart had been in the right place. She’d only wanted to look after Reece and be certain he was cared for.

  Beth opened her father's office door, preparing to confess her sins. Inside, she didn’t find her father. She found Walter at her father’s bookshelves.

  Twin, long, deep, uncomfortable s
ighs escaped both Beth’s and Walter’s lips. A heaviness settled over Beth’s feet making it impossible for her to turn tail and run. The tightness in her chest from before made it difficult to take in a cleansing breath to get out any words. She slumped against the door in weary defeat.

  Walter dropped the book he held in his hands, along with his own wary expression. He rounded the desk and came to her immediately. "Are you hurt? Are you injured?"

  Walter’s hands came to her shoulders, caressing lightly but urgently. There was no spark in his touch. Had there ever been?

  “You’re an absolute mess,” he continued as he looked her over. “What happened?”

  Beth looked into his eyes. She saw no desire, no passion. All that was reflected back to her was concern and compassion. Regardless of how she had hurt him, she knew that Walter would come to her aide if she were in need.

  Beth unfurled Walter’s fingers from her shoulder and took his hands in hers. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you.”

  Walter blinked, once, twice. He reversed her hold. Taking her hand in his, he led Beth over to her father’s seat. Then he leaned against her father's desk peering down at her.

  “This is about your husband?” Walter asked.

  Beth winced at the word. “He’s not my husband. Not really.”

  Walter was eyeing her with caution in his gaze. He held his tongue, just like he did in his marriage counseling sessions. But without the other party there, Beth had all his attention.

  "It was all a lie,” she admitted.

  “Are you telling me you don't love Reece?"

  The words were so ludicrous that she laughed. The sound hurt the dry patch in her throat. “I love him with all my heart and all my soul. But he never loved me. Not in that way."

  "He seemed pretty full of love for you the other day."

  “That was then. This is now.”

  “What happened in the space of a day?”

  “He got his memories back.”

  “So, the man he was before is not the same man that he is today?”

  The throb in Beth’s heart moved to her temple. She closed her eyes against the oncoming headache.