Echoes of the Heart

by Casey, L. A.

  She was love, happiness and light. All of the things meant for heaven.

  The whistle of the wind outside drew my attention. I realised I was once again alone with Mum. Michael and Enda had tried talking to me, but once I sat down on the chair next to my mum’s bed, I couldn’t hear anything. I could barely see. My mind wandered elsewhere . . . just like my mum’s once did. I flicked my eyes to the closed door, I heard voices outside. I knew one of them belonged to Michael.

  I turned my head and felt the ache of pain in my chest that had come to make itself comfortably at home. I couldn’t stop looking at her beautiful, serene face. I kept willing her to open her eyes and start breathing again just so I could feel like I could breathe again. The logical side of my brain didn’t even argue with me, it wanted her to wake up too.

  “Cherry?”

  Through my haze I turned, and through swollen, stinging eyes I saw him in the doorway. He was a presence and he had no idea how happy my heart was to see him even though part of it was broken because of him. Everything that happened between us at his concert seemed like a distant memory. The past few hours had been the longest of my life.

  “My mum is dead, Risk.”

  He crossed the room, got on his knees before me and placed his hands on either side of my face. I stared into his bloodshot eyes and I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to hurt any worse but it did. He had taken something before he’d come by to see me. The evidence was in his beautiful eyes.

  “I know, baby. I know.”

  I leaned my face against his, too empty inside to even shed another tear.

  “I’m dead without her too.” I shook. “I have nothing.”

  “You have me, you have Michael, you have Joe and Enda. You have a whole load of people who love you more than you could ever imagine.”

  My chin quivered. “But my mum . . . Risk, how do I breathe without my mum?”

  “By living for her,” he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine. “By being her beautiful girl with the biggest heart God has ever given a person. By honouring her every single day and remembering her life and the wonderful lady that she was.”

  I lifted my hands to his broad shoulders and squeezed.

  “I don’t know how to do any of that without her,” I admitted, my voice nothing more than a rasp. “I’m terrified to live a life without her in it. I need her to breathe. I’m all alone without her.”

  “Alone?” Risk repeated. “Who said you’re going to be alone?”

  I tried to look down, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “Who said that?”

  “Risk, I don’t want to do this.” I felt my body just droop. “Letting you go once almost killed me, I can’t do it again. Not now when I’m already broken. My life is in Southwold, yours isn’t. Your world, and mine, are too different. We don’t fit together. I meant what I said at Wembley and on the pier . . . we were stupid to think we could work. We can’t. We have no future together. We were once pieces to a beautiful puzzle that fit together perfectly, but we’ve both changed, our edges are sharper now . . . I don’t think we fit together anymore.”

  Risk said nothing, he only leaned in and rested his forehead against mine. This was what I needed from him. Just his touch, his very presence . . . not empty words or promises that we couldn’t keep. We had never been very good at keeping our promises, no matter how hard we tried. Risk and I were like currents in the Southwold harbour, no matter how hard we tried to stop it from happening, we would always unexpectedly clash, then drift far apart.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  RISK

  Two weeks later . . .

  “Risk. Let’s go.”

  I looked over my shoulder. “Already?”

  “You’ve been in here for over an hour. Time’s up.”

  The finality of that statement made my gut clench.

  “Tell Hayes and Angel to come in here, I want to talk to the three of you.”

  May furrowed his eyebrows but did as I asked. He left the studio we spent so much of our youth in then returned minutes later with the rest of the guys. Hayes closed the door behind him and sealed the four of us inside. I was sitting on one of the sofas and they joined me by sitting on the other seats in the room. They stared at me, I stared right back at them.

  “This studio is home to me,” I said. “This is where Blood Oath began and I think it’s always going to be a place I remember and love.”

  May leaned forward. “Why’re you talking like you’re not gonna be back here again?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Hold the fuck on.” May frowned. “Are you quitting the band?”

  “What?” Hayes gasped. “No way, man!”

  “Is that what’s going on here?” Angel demanded. “You’re taking a step back from Blood Oath, from us?”

  “What?” I blinked. “No, dumb arses. Right now, the band, you three, are all I fucking have.”

  May was so dramatic that he put a hand on his chest and had to take a few deep breaths. I watched him, shaking my head.

  “I know I’ll come back here, I just don’t know when . . . I know we’re leaving for LA today and you guys were planning on hog tying me if needed to get me back to the facility that worked for me before but you guys don’t have to do that. I’m willing to walk through those doors myself.”

  Angel visibly relaxed. “What changed your mind?”

  “You guys. Frankie. Her mum dying. Me finally confronting Owen and ridding myself of the shame I didn’t realise I was carrying around. This morning, I snorted a few lines. I didn’t want to, but I still did it, so I know I need to go back to rehab. I’m not strong enough right now to get better. I need help.”

  “I’m so proud of you, man,” May said. “So fucking proud.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I’m ready to be sober again. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m ready to think clearly again and not crave the high of the numbness. I want to straighten my thoughts out without anything in my system.”

  “You’ll get there,” Hayes said. “We’re with you every step of the way.”

  A lump formed in my throat.

  “I’m so sorry,” I cleared my throat. “I know me using for so many years has been hard on all three of you. I’ve ruined gigs, and parties, and interviews and even downtime because I was thinking of myself. I’m so fucking sorry . . . Hayes, I ruined the day you told us you’re going to be a dad. I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “Well, you better,” Hayes said firmly. “Because Summer and I have and we’re backing you one hundred per cent.”

  My chest tightened as I looked to Angel.

  “I’m sorry you missed your sister’s birthday because of me.”

  “I forgive you,” he said, then grinned. “She’ll just make me buy her a better present for the next one.”

  I looked at May.

  “I’m sorry I lied to you,” I said to my best mate. “I promised you weeks ago when we were driving around town that I wouldn’t fall back into my old ways and scare you, but I did.”

  “I forgive you,” May said. “You’re not perfect, no matter how much our Sinners say you are,” he teased. “I know you struggle, but you’re my boy and I’m always going to be there to help you whenever you need it. Just like you’d be there for me. The four of us are brothers, looking out for one another is what we do . . . smacking some sense into each other is required now and then as well.”

  We all chuckled but they didn’t know how hard I was trying to keep from crying. I apologised to each of them and they didn’t brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. They accepted what I had done was a problem but they forgave me. I was lucky to have a group of men who loved me like they did. I really couldn’t have asked for better friends in my life. I thanked God for them.

  “I can’t believe you guys recorded your EP and some of our first album in here.” Angel glanced around. “I love it.”

  I felt myself smile. “It’s cute, right?”

  �
�Adorable.”

  Hayes leaned back. “Are you going to see her before we go?”

  “Yeah,” May nodded. “It’s been a week since her mum’s funeral, you haven’t seen her since. I stopped by Mary Well’s yesterday just to look in through the windows . . . she was working as usual.”

  “She has to stay busy,” I said. “That’s how she copes, she can’t just sit at home. It’d drive her crazy.”

  May and Hayes nodded.

  “Answer the question,” Angel pressed. “Are you going to go and see her?”

  “Yes,” I answered. “We have to do one thing before I go and say goodbye to Frankie.”

  “What?” the three of them said in unison.

  “We need to lay the song.”

  May sat up straight. “You finished writing it?”

  “Yeah,” I answered. “I wrote it then rewrote it five times, but it’s done.”

  “Why cut it now though?” May asked. “Why not after rehab?”

  “While I’m in this headspace of feeling broken and angry and so fucking sorry for what I’ve done to hurt her, I need to get it out. I need this song to be the last one I write and sing that harbours pain about Frankie. I need this to be the end of that part of my life.”

  “Okay,” Angel nodded. “Let’s cut the record.”

  “Hell yeah.” May got to his feet. “What’s the title?”

  I stood up, swallowed and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I looked at my friends, my brothers, and I knew that there were no other men on this earth that I’d rather jam with and take the world by storm. I smiled, feeling my strength, both physical and mental, begin to return. I had a long road to walk, but I knew my friends would be at its end waiting for me . . . maybe even Frankie too.

  “‘Never Enough’,” I said. “It’s called ‘Never Enough’.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  RISK

  Mary Well’s diner.

  If there was ever a place in Southwold that I’d be sure to find Frankie Fulton if she wasn’t on the pier, it was Mary Well’s. I sat in the car park in my new rental staring at Frankie through the windows of the diner. I didn’t take my eyes off her. I memorised everything. The way she smiled at customers, the way she nibbled on the end of her pen, the way she treated strangers with the utmost kindness. I wanted to remember everything about her in case this was the last time I ever saw her.

  How is she real?

  I remembered thinking of that often when we were teenagers. I would stare at her and think, how does this girl actually exist? It was more than her physical beauty, her inner beauty knocked me on my arse more times than I could count. She was a woman who loved with her entire being and life fucked her over in more ways than one. She lost her mum and her dad and through her involvement with me I believed she lost a piece of herself too.

  Women like her belonged in books, in films, in plays.

  Imperfectly perfect.

  Selfish people like me didn’t deserve her. I knew that.

  “I don’t wanna say goodbye to you, Cherry.”

  It didn’t matter what I wanted, what mattered was Frankie. She deserved the best and what was best for her was me leaving her life. I wasn’t good for her, especially not now. I knew that, but having relapsed I found myself making excuses for my behaviour. Falling back into old patterns to get what I wanted. I told myself, during those selfish moments, that I would be fine if I could just have Frankie. I’d give up the drugs, the drink, I’d give up Blood Oath . . . if only it meant that I could have her. But I was lying.

  Now that I had once again tasted the numbness using brought, I craved it just as much as I craved Frankie. All day every day. I wanted it. I wanted her. Life didn’t always give us what we wanted though and, in my case, that was a good thing. If Frankie overlooked my using, I would continue to snort and shoot up. That would break her . . . I was done breaking her.

  I had to say goodbye.

  I glanced around the darkened car park and when I was sure there were no vultures lurking in the shadows, I climbed out into the crisp March evening. I locked the car, jammed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and approached the diner. My eyes were still on her, but when a voice called my name, I looked to my left. It was Anna. She was standing outside smoking a cigarette.

  “Hey, Anna.”

  “Leave,” she sneered. “She is hanging on by a thread . . . just leave her alone.”

  My gut twisted.

  “I’m coming to say goodbye, not to cause any more trouble.”

  Anna’s eyebrows rose. “You’re leaving?”

  “Yup.” I shifted. “Going back to LA.”

  “Humph.” Anna took a drag of her smoke. “Can’t say I’m sad to see you go.”

  I smiled sadly. “No longer a Sinner?”

  “I’ll always be a Sinner,” she said. “I’m just not a Risk Keller Sinner anymore. I know the rest of the fandom has made you out to be the saint in the Wembley situation and Frankie is the red-headed siren who broke Risk Keller’s heart, but you and I know that she is the sweetest woman in all of Southwold and you trampled all over heart when it only beat for you.”

  This was the most I had ever spoken to Anna Porter and I’d be damned if she didn’t know where to stick the knife in and just how much to twist it to rip me apart.

  “I didn’t know you and Frankie were such good friends.”

  “We’re not.” Anna looked me up and down. “I always thought she was an uptight prude, but I was ignorant to the tough life she has lived. I thought she was boring and lived to work but I was wrong. She devoted most of her life to her dying mother, she was always on hand to help Joe, me, my sister and Deena with shifts here at Mary Well’s and when you came home, she gave up everything for you without blinking. In the past two weeks her mother has died, she buried her, she was humiliated in front of thousands of people, but you know what? She still gets up every day and comes to work with a smile on her face. She’s been knocked down in life more than someone like her deserves, but she keeps getting back up. I think she is wonderful and I’m working now to befriend her because I really think she could use one . . . don’t you?”

  “Yes,” I answered instantly. “I do.”

  “Good.” She dropped her cigarette and stood on it. “Go around back, I’ll send her out to see you.”

  “I can’t go inside?”

  “Your relationship has played out in public enough, don’t y’think?”

  My shoulders slumped. “You’re right, it has.”

  Anna turned and walked towards Mary Well’s entrance.

  “Anna,” I called. “Thank you . . . for sticking up for her. Take care of her while I’m gone. Please.”

  She didn’t turn around, but I saw her head nod in acknowledgement. I exhaled a breath, removed my hands from my pockets and flexed my fingers. I felt nervous. I wished I had weed to relax because I was so fucking jittery but I didn’t want to smoke in front of Frankie. I knew I shouldn’t have snorted before I came here . . . I just couldn’t help it. I walked around to the back of Mary Well’s and glanced out at the ocean. Off to the left, up the beach, was the pier.

  Mine and Frankie’s pier.

  I looked at the back door when it opened and the second I saw her I had to force my feet to remain rooted to the spot. Her eyes were a little wide as she closed the door without taking them off me. Instantly, I was worried for her. She had dark circles under her eyes and her cheek bones were a little more prominent that usual. Was she eating? Sleeping? Her bruising from Owen’s attack was nearly healed, the cut above her eyebrow was just a thin line now.

  “You’re going back to LA?” she asked. “Anna said you were.”

  “Yes,” I answered. “I am.”

  Her chin did that small, cute little quiver it always did before she began to cry. My instinct was to step forward, wrap my arms tightly around Frankie’s body and pull her into my embrace but I couldn’t do that. I came here to say goodbye to her and that was exactly what I was g
oing to do.

  “I have to go,” I said. “Me being here has caused nothing but trouble.”

  She didn’t disagree with me. I shoved my hands deep into my pockets because I was tempted to reach out and touch her stunning face, to curl my finger around her ginger hair. I could see that the last couple of weeks had taken a physical toll on her but she looked as beautiful as ever to me. Maybe because I knew this was probably the last time I would see her.

  “Are you going back to rehab?” she quizzed. “I want you to leave right now if you aren’t.”

  After everything I had done to hurt her, she still wanted me to get sober and healthy . . . I really didn’t fucking deserve this woman. Her heart was too big, too pure to be wasted on someone like me.

  “I am,” I said. “I’m due to check in as soon as I land in LA.”

  “Which is when?”

  “I leave in about four hours.” I swallowed. “When I leave here, I’m going straight to Heathrow.”

  Frankie’s hands flexed, then she shivered.

  “Maybe you should go back inside,” I suggested. “It’s warmer in there.”

  “I’m not cold,” she said. “I’m just shaking.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that.

  “You’re gonna be okay,” she said to me. “You’re gonna get sober again.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so.”

  I smiled, she trembled.

  “I’m sorry, Frankie. I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve put you through.”

  She wrapped her arms around her waist.

  “I know you are,” she said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more forthcoming with you. Things wouldn’t have been so crazy if I had just been honest with you. I hurt you too. I wish I had done things differently.”

  I shifted. “Hindsight is a great thing, huh?”

  She lightly chuckled. “Tell me about it.”