Edified
Page 12
“Because it’s poison.” Livia replies.
“Ah,” Kaya nods, standing up from her seat and slowly pacing the room, “So you’re saying deep down in your gut, you know that eating paint is poisonous. Lethal, even.”
We nod in agreement, wondering where she is going with this.
“But I tried to get you to eat it anyway,” She says, pausing, “I even threw some interesting ideas at you that made it seem at least partially sensible to try the paint, and I’m willing to bet that if you had been fasting for twelve days prior to this meeting, having had no food at all during that time, my convincing might have been just enough to make you try a taste.”
She walks back over to the paint can and covers it with the lid, “Ladies, I want you to understand that that is how Satan works.” She pushes the tray aside. “Deep down, we get gut feelings about sin. We know when something isn’t right, even if it’s just a tiny inkling. Yet, Satan carefully picks moments when we are weak to tempt us into doing something sinful. Whatever form of trickery he has to use in order to get you to give in to sin, he will use, even if it means lying to your face to make it seem desirable. Notice how I conjured up several carefully crafted lies to get you to try the paint? So, say you are starving, and say I am successful in convincing you to take a bite. It doesn’t matter what I said to get you to do it. Maybe I told you the paint tastes like its color: The most luscious, juicy pineapple. Or maybe I told you that consuming it would make all your troubles go away. Whatever the case, what happens when you do eat the paint?”
She pauses, encouraging interaction.
“You die.” One girl supplies.
“Exactly,” Kaya points in her direction, “You die. And why is that? What am I getting at here?”
Mrs. Brooks looks up from her note taking, “Because sin kills. Just as consuming paint kills, so does filling your body with sin, even if it’s a slow, subtle death.”
Kaya points, “Yes, Laurie, thank you. And Satan has a way of making sin appear attractive to us. In the same way that God knows your heart inside out, so does Satan — but he uses that intimate knowledge to target your weaknesses. To get us to give in to temporary pleasures that’ll deprive us of eternal life. Because in reality, he would do anything and everything to keep us from obtaining it.”
She stops pacing, “How does it feel to have an enemy like that?”
My heart thuds as I consider her words.
She flexes her hands in and out of balled fists. “If you’re familiar with this feeling, the feeling of being tempted at your weakest moments, you’re in good company. Because Jesus was also tempted in this way. I want us to turn over to Matthew 4 in our Bibles and read verses: 1-11.”
I sneak a glance over at Rae’s Bible to see how far into the book she is flipping and begin flipping through my own to find the right place. Everyone else gets there before I do, and Kaya begins reading it out loud, so I try to listen as I continue to flip.
“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.” Kaya reads, “After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.”
Damn. I can’t even go a few hours without food.
“The tempter came to him and said, ‘if you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.’ Jesus answered, ‘It is written: Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Kaya pauses, “Now, I will note that Jesus has some really strong replies here. He quotes right from the word of God to shove off the devil. However, his replies are not what I want us to focus on this time. We’ll save that for a future session. Right now, I want you to notice the persistence of the devil, and he himself quotes scripture.”
I finally found Matthew 4 in my own Bible and am following along with her as she reads.
“Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down. For it is written: He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’ Jesus answered him, ‘It is also written: Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ‘All this I will give you,’ he said, ‘if you bow down and worship me.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Away from me, Satan! For it is written: Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’ Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”
She closes her Bible and sets it gently on the table, “I want us to take note that no matter how many times Jesus pushed Satan off, the devil came back and tried again, unfazed by the first rejection.” She shakes her head slowly, “The devil is patient. Which is a very scary concept, because patience is not a trait that we typically associate with him. But sisters, I want you to be as skeptical of him and his tricks as you were of me when I was trying to get you to eat the paint. I want you to be as strong at pushing him off as Jesus was, even in His weak state. Is that even achievable, do you think?” She challenges.
A few people nod, while a few shake their heads.
“It is,” Kaya presses her index and thumb together for emphasis, “And let me tell you why. Philippians 4:13 reads, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
The room is silent.
“All things, ladies. That’s a pretty broad spectrum. But we need a relationship with Him in order for it to work. Because let me tell you, the only thing powerful enough to fight off a relentless enemy of divine nature, is a relentless and divine God who is fighting for you.”
Her tone is quieter when she next speaks, “So how do we obtain this critical relationship with God and Jesus Christ?”
She flips to a bookmarked page in her Bible.
“The answer lies in James 4:8. Turn with me there if you would.”
I remember the index in the front of my Bible and consult that before turning to James, which turns out to be much more efficient than peeking over at Rae’s Bible.
“Come near to God” Kaya reads, “and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” Not only this — not only will God draw near to us if we draw near to him, but in verse 7, the word says, ‘Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.’”
An ‘Amen’ escapes one of the women and I smile down at my Bible. The passion of this group is not only joy-inspiring, but infectious.
Kaya smiles, “I want to circle back to the thought we started out with about the paint. Does anyone know why I specifically chose yellow paint to illustrate this idea about sin? Why didn’t I just choose something like, say, a plate of really rich looking brownies, or perhaps, a check made out for a large sum of money?”
Zoe raises her hand in the air and Kaya laughs.
“I knew you art majors would be way ahead of me. Go ahead, Zoe.”
“It was a play off the Vincent Van Gogh theory.”
Kaya nods, “It was. For those of you who don’t know, the story goes that Van Gogh thought yellow was such a happy color, that if he ate some yellow paint, it would get all the happiness inside of him.”
This gets a few laughs.
I notice in my peripheral that Rae is doodling a picture of a yellow paint can next to a handwritten list that contains a lot of official looking words. One of them is ‘sexual immorality’, and it is circled numerous times. I peak over at my friend who has never spoken much about religion, but she seems thoroughly invested in her doodle.
“So, I want to leave you all with this,” Kaya says, “If you allow yourself to consume something as poisonous and as lethal as sin, all because Satan has successfully convinced you that it will bring you some level of happiness, remember that any happiness that comes from taking part in sin is temporary, and it leads to death. It is not worth losing your salvation over. True happiness comes from God’s blessings for you, and happiness from God is ete
rnal. Remember that just as Satan attacks you personally, God blesses you personally, in ways that are specifically crafted to bring you joy. Draw near to him, and he will draw near to you. Resist the devil and purify yourselves. Be liberated. I promise, it is well worth your time, and well worth anything you feel moved to give up.”
Everyone begins folding their Bibles and I realize the session has ended.
I also realize I haven’t gotten my chance to talk to Hadley since she never showed up.
I lean over to Rae and whisper, “Do you think Kaya has her number? Hadley’s?”
Rae nods, “I bet she does. Do you want me to go with you to ask?”
I lock my eyes on Kaya and swallow, “Sure.”
We get up and walk over to her, but there’s a crowd around her I have to snake through. They’re all saying things like, “That was a wonderful message”, “Very creative!”, “We’re praying for you”, and “Hang in there.” I’m not sure why they would be saying the latter of the four, but when I finally reach her she smiles at me and pulls me into a bear hug.
“Grace, I’m glad you came tonight! It’s good to see you again.”
I smile back at her, “You too, Kaya. We had a really good turn out tonight.”
Kaya glances around, “I know right? I’m so thrilled!”
As Rae approaches, she smiles wide and holds out her arms. Kaya wraps herself in them, swaying as she squeezes.
“Great message,” Rae says, “I really felt that one.”
Kaya smiles, “You inspired me to give it.”
I find myself shocked at what a stark difference this is between the last time I’d seen Kaya and Rae together. Rae had been just as eager to slip away from A&B as I’d been, but now she appears comfortable and even happy.
“How have you been since we last talked?” She says, “Did you get a chance to study?”
Rae nods, smiling in earnest, “I find it kinda funny how I know where all the books of the Bible are, but very little about what’s in them it seems. How had I never heard those things before?”
Kaya nods knowingly, “Because ‘the word of God is alive and active’. It’s always the same yet it always changes.”
Rae raises a brow, “Isn’t that a scripture too?”
Kaya nods, “The first part. Hebrews 4:12.”
Rae smiles, “So hey, listen, I was hoping I could grab a member’s phone number from you real quick.”
Kaya pulls out her phone, “Sure! Who do you need?”
“Hadley Harris?”
Kaya waves her hand, “Oh yeah, of course I got my girl Hadley.”
I’m a little taken aback by Kaya’s fondness.
Rae types the numbers into her phone and I stand there numbly, trying to concoct a new plan. One that involves texting Hadley instead of a casual conversation.
Kaya looks over at me and visibly softens, “Hey, is everything alright?”
I snap out of my thought process and smile, “Oh, yeah, of course.”
Kaya looks over me thoughtfully, “You sure? You look a little tired. Are you doing okay?”
Just her asking almost brings tears to my eyes. The simple act of someone really caring.
“I just … have a lot going on.”
She nods attentively and then glances around the room before jerking her head to an empty corner. She leads and I follow her. Once there, she turns to face me with a soft smile.
“So tell me. What’s up?”
Where to begin? What should I tell this extremely compassionate, almost-stranger?
“There’s just someone I need to talk to … about something really personal … and I’m just struggling with even the thought of it. I don’t really want to, but I do at the same time.”
She nods, “Okay, I won’t press. How can we pray about this?”
I’m relieved that she doesn’t ask for details, but I’m also at a loss for words.
“Well … I’m not entirely sure. I feel really unsure about the whole situation.”
“I understand,” She smiles, “Let me ask this one thing. Has this person done something against you? Is that what you need to talk to them about?”
I nod, impressed.
“There’s an awesome Bible verse about this you know. It’s in Matthew 18, and it says ‘If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.’”
“Really?” I say, “I’ve never heard that.”
She nods, “So the one thing you shouldn’t feel unsure about is taking that step and having the conversation. You’re doing the right thing.”
Her words bring warmth to me. I suddenly feel reassured of my plan.
“I think I know what we need to pray for,” She smiles, “Will you join me?”
I nod, bowing my head with hers.
“Great God in Heaven, Grace and I come before you now, thanking you for the work you’re doing in her life. Thank you for leading her to the Godly conclusion that she should approach her brother or sister in Christ about what it is they’ve done to hurt her. I pray now that the conversation they have is spirit-led. That both of your children involved have the heart to listen to one another and speak lovingly and peacefully about the subject they’re discussing. Please bless that the outcome of this conversation is another brother or sister gained, rather than lost. Give your beautiful daughter Grace the right mindset and the right words to say what needs to be said. We thank you for all of these things, Lord, and we ask it in Jesus name, Amen.”
“Amen,” I echo.
She squeezes my shoulder and smiles, “I’m proud of you.”
I smile, not only feeling far more sure of myself than before, but grateful that despite my previous word to never come back here, God brought me to A&B this night.
***
I hadn’t given her a name in my phone. Her contact remains nothing but a collection of numbers. As petty as the decision was to leave her name blank, it somehow made the whole operation easier for me.
I hit ‘send’ on my carefully drafted text and set my phone down as I tuck myself into bed.
To: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:12 pm
“Hey, Hadley, It’s Grace from A&B. I don’t know if you remember me, but we met unofficially on the first day. I think you even got my paper airplane for the icebreaker, ha ha. Anyway, I was just wondering if you might want to grab a drink with me sometime this week?”
__________
I’d agonized over the simple text. My first draft was not only cheesy, but a total lie. I’d concocted two paragraphs explaining that my goal with joining A&B was to get to know some awesome girls who share the faith, and I thought it’d be “super fun” to hang out together sometime this week. With a scoff, I erased the whole thing. I tried again, writing a more cryptic message the second time. I had gone back and forth between typing, “There’s something you should know,” at the end of the text, or “I need to tell you something”. In the end, I erased that last sentence altogether, and just sent the text as it was before I killed myself thinking about it.
I don’t expect her to answer right away, but to my surprise, my phone pings a few minutes later:
From: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:16 pm
“Hey, Grace! I do remember you :) And sure, that sounds good
to me! When are you thinking?”
__________
I read the text over a few times. Her willingness to meet should be a good sign … right?
I consider my schedule before texting her back. I know my workday tomorrow is booked with clients. It’d have to be on Friday — the day after tomorrow.
To: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:21 pm
“I’m thinking Friday around 11 am? It’s 5 o'clock somewhere, right? Lol.”
__________
Three minutes later -
From: Unknow
n Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:24 pm
“Bahaha I like your thinking. Sure, I’ll be there! What place?”
__________
To: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:26 pm
“You pick :)”
__________
From: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:30 pm
“Vanelos?”
__________
To: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:32 pm
“Perfect! Vanelos at 11. See you then!”
__________
From: Unknown Number
Sent: 10/09/19
Time: 8:35 pm
“Can’t wait!!!”
__________
I set my phone down with a shaking hand, grateful to have gotten the conversation out of the way.
I try to close my eyes and get some sleep, but my mind torments me with all the possible scenarios that could take place at Vanelos. I need to get my mind on something else. Anything else. Which is how I find myself daydreaming about Liam.
I think about the note he wrote me along with the cinnamon bun, and how it’s currently pinned to my bulletin board.
I should have thrown it away by now, honestly, but I guess the whole thing was just sort of flattering. I’ve been so critical of my appearance and my body ever since the breakup, which is something that is foreign to my usual self. In a way, the note sort of served as proof to myself that I still have it. That I still have game, and that a man will go to great lengths to get my attention.
It feels good for a moment, but then the feeling turns sour. I do understand why he wrote “sorry”. He wrote it because he selfishly bought all six of the remaining cinnamon buns, which should definitely not be allowed. But what I don’t understand is why he included his phone number on the note when he obviously has a girlfriend.
I think of the classy girl who came up to our table.
I ought to call him just to give him a piece of my mind. It should be common girl code to put a man in his place when he flirts with you while dating someone else.
I scoff. What a world it would be if every girl abided by that code.