Edified

by Marissa Sail Fike

  I open my mouth to say something, finding some level of enjoyment in our banter, but in that moment, the traffic begins slowly moving along, inch by inch.

  “Ah, it lives,” Terrance says as we begin to speed up.

  It’s just a short ride to the clinic after we get going again, so we spend it in silence.

  Terrance makes a right turn into the large parking lot for Oakland visitors.

  I feel the need to say something before exiting the vehicle for good. Something other than, ‘Well, bye.’

  “I still don’t believe that girl is your sister.” I say, keeping my face neutral as Terrance pulls into a parking space.

  “Oh my word, Grace, she is.”

  “I don’t believe you.” I shrug.

  Liam stares at me for a moment, then lets out an exasperated sigh. “You know what? My folks are having a big dinner tomorrow night. Come.”

  My eyebrows raise so high I’m sure my forehead wrinkles. “What? You’re inviting me to dinner?”

  “With my family.” He rolls his eyes, “Not a big deal. Sakura will be there, and she can tell you for herself that we’re related.”

  I glance over at Terrence, who is making honest efforts at minding his own business, then back at Liam.

  “You can’t be serious …”

  He crosses his arms, “I am. I will not have someone so openly questioning my morale. If you’ve got to hear it from the girl herself, fine. Here’s your opportunity.”

  I pull on the door handle and step out.

  “No. I can’t do that. It’s weird.”

  He stares back at me, saying nothing, so I shut the door.

  The back window rolls down slowly, revealing his smiling face, “That’s fine with me, Grace. It doesn’t matter to me either way. But just know, with that invitation, I have done literally everything I can do to clear up my good name with you. So at this point, if you continue to think so poorly of me, that’s entirely on you and your character — judging a perfectly good man so harshly, without any due cause.”

  He flips the sunglasses propped on top of his head over his eyes, and Terrance hits the gas.

  I’m left speechless in the parking lot with my lips slightly parted …

  What just happened?

  ***

  The automatic doors slide open as I approach. The temperature inside the clinic drops down about ten degrees from the outside air and induces a shiver.

  The lady at the front waves at me and asks for my name and insurance card.

  “Actually, I’m here to see my mom. Corinne Rains?”

  The lady squints at me and then smiles, “My goodness! Of course you are. You two have a striking resemblance.”

  I smile politely as she pages my mother to the waiting room.

  Everyone who says my mother and I resemble each other means it as a compliment. She has aged gracefully and still catches the eyes of many men, but she’s far too independent … far too busy, to ever let one in. To my knowledge, she’s only ever let one man into her life intimately, and he left her high and dry. It’s to this man that I owe my hazel-colored eyes and my cream-colored skin — the only obvious differences between my mother and I, who is much paler than I am and has stark blue eyes.

  The double doors by the front desk open and my mother appears wearing dark blue scrubs. She smiles curtly when she sees me.

  “Grace,”

  “Hey mom. Sorry I’m so late. I probably missed your lunch, didn’t I?”

  She looks down at her smartwatch and winces, “Oh … well, to be honest, I never took one. I was waiting to hear from you first, and I guess since I never did, time just got away from me.”

  Oh.

  “I’ll tell you what though. Let me see if I can go home early today and we’ll spend some time together there. That sound good?”

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Amber,” she says to the lady at the front, “Can you check my schedule for the day? When is my shift over?”

  Amber shifts through a couple papers, “An hour ago.”

  “Oh,” mom chuckles, “Well that settles that. Let me just go clock out and we’ll be on our way.”

  “Okay.” I say.

  ***

  When we arrive home, my mother gives me a pregnancy test first thing. She also gives me a more thorough rundown than Rae had of what to do with it.

  “Don’t forget to time it,” She calls to me, “That’s really important.”

  I roll my eyes, but still take notice of the time on my watch before I begin.

  “Round two,” I breathe to myself as I dip the new pregnancy test in the prepared plastic cup. I refuse to do what I did last time … that is, literally watch the test for as long as it takes for a result to pop up, killing myself with anticipation in the meantime. So I leave the scene, distracting myself with making a cup of tea.

  My mom is mainly a coffee drinker, so the small amount of tea I find in the cupboard is the same box I had stocked in here before I moved out almost two years ago. I pace the kitchen, trying to enjoy my drink until it’s time to check on the test.

  I venture back into the bathroom and remove the stick from the cup.

  I blink at the status screen.

  It takes a second to register what I’m seeing. And when I do, I spit my tea.

  There’s one really prominent red line … and then next to it, a faded, barely visible second line. The universal result of a positive pregnancy test.

  24

  Rae - Friday

  I didn’t go home — I went straight to his house and let myself in. I called him four times before resigning myself to the idea that wherever he is, his phone really is turned off. He had to come home at some point, right? So I would just wait here for him, at least until I get the chance to explain.

  I feel so fidgety for someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. I guess it’s because I didn’t picture it happening that way.

  I thought if my meeting with Sam and Rosie came up in conversation, I could explain that I was there to ask Rosie to be a bridesmaid. I’d have to tell him at some point, right?. Or if he called or texted me, I could quickly answer back and let him know where I was then. I didn’t expect him to show up, see Sam and I alone at a table without any explanation, and turn around to leave before I could introduce him.

  I hate feeling this guilty over something I shouldn’t, so I glance around the house and busy myself with little jobs here and there — helping him run a few loads of laundry he’s falling behind on, washing dishes, and sweeping the floor. When I run out of busy work to do, I settle on his couch and turn on the TV.

  It’s a fair distraction for the most part. Until of course, the clock strikes 10 p.m.

  I begin to wonder where exactly he went, and what reason he could have for coming home so late. My mind begins to wander, creating terrible images in my head: Adam assuming the worst about what he saw, and deciding to make a counter move — a visit to Lexi’s house to level the playing field. Lexi’s house is in the direction he was headed towards … isn’t it?

  That’s when I hear the front doorknob twist. I click off the TV and stand. Adam steps in, regarding me with little expression. His acknowledgement is bittersweet — I know he’s upset with me, but at least he’s home.

  “You need to go home, Rae.” He says.

  “Let me explain,” I say quickly when he starts to walk off, “Will you let me explain?”

  He shakes his head, continuing for his bedroom.

  “If you won’t listen, fine,” The words spill, “I know I’m innocent in this. But at least answer me when I ask where you were just now.”

  He spins on his heel and eyes me incredulously. He’s finally lost his cool.

  “Answer you? What about your actions these past few days makes you deserving of answers?”

  “I’ve done nothing wrong! You, however, I’m kind of starting to worry about. Why won’t you tell me where you were?”

  “It’s not a good feeling, is it? Wondering
what the hell your fiancé is up to.”

  My cheeks heat at his accusation and I open my mouth to say something, but I bite it back.

  He thinks he’s got this all figured out and it’s infuriating. He couldn’t be more wrong.

  I inhale deeply and force my voice to soften.

  “Listen, honey.” I sit lightly on the couch and rub the seat next to me, “Will you come over here and listen?”

  He crosses his arms, a stone pillar in his doorway, but at least he’s willing to hear me.

  I sigh, “First of all, it wasn’t just me and Sam there, even though that’s what it looked like. Rosie was at the Café too. I had just asked her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. In fact, that was my whole reason for being there. She was at the counter getting me a celebratory coffee when you came in. Sam and I were only alone together for a minute or two.”

  “But she wasn’t there with you the other day.” Adam counters.

  “That’s right. Admittedly, she wasn’t there. But she was on her way, and remember that took place before I knew you’d have such a problem with it.”

  “Okay, and what about today? You knew I had a problem with it at this point, and you still went and did it.”

  “No,” I say, “I knew you had a problem with Sam and I being alone … I didn’t know you’d still have a problem if Rosie was there with us.”

  “Why is this girl your chaperone when you two are together? It just proves that you knew I’d be pissed about you seeing him.”

  I laugh a humorless laugh at that, “Quite the opposite, Adam. If anyone’s the chaperone, it’s me. Rosie is Adam’s girlfriend now … his really serious girlfriend.”

  “Are they engaged?”

  I frown, “No.”

  “Planning to be engaged soon?”

  I pause, remembering my conversation with Sam.

  “No …”

  “Then that means nothing. ‘Really serious girlfriend’ is not a title. ‘Girlfriend’ is, and ‘fiancée’ is, and of the two, ‘girlfriend’ requires the least amount of commitment.”

  “Adam, come on. I had my phone on and turned all the way up in case you needed me. I can’t believe you showed up at that exact moment that Rosie left to get coffee.”

  He squints. “I can’t either.”

  My heart skips a beat. Does he think I’d lie about this? Suddenly I feel defensive.

  “What were you doing there, anyway? I thought you had an after-school activity.”

  He stares at me as a thought occurs in my mind.

  “Were you spying on me?”

  “What? No! The activity got canceled and I wanted to grab a coffee before home. Is that so hard to believe?”

  “No, it’s not. Is my side of the story? I have never, not once lied to you.”

  He pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a long, exasperated sigh.

  “No,” He says finally, “It’s not.”

  “Okay,” I say, my voice wavering a little, “Then why are you fighting me so hard?”

  His shoulders slack and he hesitates before coming to sit next to me.

  “Rae, try to see this from my perspective. I need us to back this up to last Wednesday.”

  I turn to face him.

  “First things first, you tell me you want to stop having sex. Strange request in and of itself if you ask me … but then, I hear you’ve been hanging out with your ex —”

  “It’s not like you heard it from the grapevine …” I interrupt, “I told you myself —”

  He holds up a hand, “Let me talk. I won’t go into Thursday’s fiasco with the photoshoot since we’ve exhausted that discussion already. Basically, I leave the actual photoshoot today thinking we’ve reached an understanding about this — only to find that you’re out at the Café, alone with the very guy we talked about yesterday.”

  “We weren’t alone!”

  He shakes his head, “I believe you. But that’s what it looked like to me.”

  I sit back and look down at my spread palms. I don’t know what else I can say.

  “Adam … I … You know I couldn’t live with myself if I’d really done something to hurt us, but I can promise you that I didn’t. If my word isn’t enough for you, then …” My voice hiccups on the last sentence and I hate myself for it.

  He softens and takes my hand, running his thumb across it. Warmth brims in the corners of my eyes.

  “None of those things you mentioned are correlated,” I continue, “The sex boundaries and my run-ins with Sam.”

  “I believe you, honey.” He repeats.

  My countenance falls, a tear trickling down my cheek, “Where were you tonight?

  “Tyler’s.” He says. His buddy from college.

  My heart lets go of the breath it’d been holding, sighing in relief, but the anticipation of waiting for the answer takes its toll on my emotions. “Geez, Adam, I thought you were with Lexi.”

  A line appears between his brows, “Um, definitely not. I couldn’t care less about Lexi anymore, Rae. You know that.”

  “But I didn’t know that.” I breathe, “All I knew is what you thought I did with Sam, so I was second guessing everything I know about you. I thought you might validate some sort of revenge …”

  He smirks, pulling me into him, “Well that would be incredibly childish of me, wouldn’t it?”

  I suddenly feel years younger than him for even suggesting such a thing. His embrace dries the escaped tear and I stay there, wrapped in his arms.

  We stay this way for about ten minutes, until I realize I’m incredibly tired now.

  I want him … but we can’t.

  “I should head home,” I say to him.

  He stands and holds out a hand to me, “I’ll walk you to your car.”

  We walk out together and he opens the door for me, “Are we all good?” I say.

  He sighs, nodding slowly, “We’re good.”

  25

  Grace - Friday

  My heart plummets to the floor, skipping my stomach completely.

  No. No. No. That can’t be right.

  I continue staring at the two lines on the pregnancy test, wondering if the faintness of the second line matters. It’s barely there, after all.

  I hear a knock on the bathroom door, “How’s it going in there?”

  She slowly inches the door open but stops short as she sees me stationed on the floor, pregnancy test in hand.

  I angle the screen facing her so that she can see the verdict.

  “Oh …”

  She doesn’t try to help me up. Instead, she sits right next to me on the bathroom floor.

  “Does that line count?” I say, “It’s so faint.”

  She stares down at the test, hesitating, “Well … I think it’s safe to assume that it does count. False negatives are common … but false positives?”

  She shakes her head.

  I can’t seem to find any words for what I’m feeling right now, so I just sit there blinking at my test.

  My mother tentatively places a hand on my shoulder, letting me process the reality of my situation. What I really need, though, is someone’s arms wrapped around me.

  The test is positive. The father is a cheat. And I just basically told him to eff off.

  When I look at her, her blue eyes hold no judgment — but definite concern. My next thought hardly feels like it should belong to me, but for a brief moment I wonder if the baby will have the same hazel-colored eyes as my father and me, or Jayden’s light grey ones. Suddenly I feel like crying.

  My mother gently smooths my hair, treating me like a fallen leaf that could crumple at any moment. Her gestures are almost tender… the most maternal I’ve ever felt from her.

  “What can I … what do you need?” She says.

  Pulling away and wiping my nose on my sleeve, I consider the question. The truth is, at this moment, what I need is not what I thought I would need. I just need someone to tell me they’re proud of me. That I’m not a total failure.
That I’ve done well with my in-home business and with trying to be a good friend to Rae as she gets married while I’m mourning a breakup. That I was a good girlfriend when I was one … that I’m brave for taking this on by myself.

  But I know that I can’t ask that of her right now … to tell me that she’s proud of me when I’m in this sort of mess. So instead, I ask an easier question.

  “Are you mad at me?”

  She folds her hands together, “No, honey, of course I’m not mad …”

  A brief weight lifts off my shoulders.

  “I’m just …”

  I look up at her. Please don’t say it.

  “A little disappointed.”

  Damn it. Tears threaten.

  “It’s just that I raised you to be better than this, Grace … to be better than me. But I know that’s not fair of me … I can’t expect you to learn from my mistakes. Everyone has to learn from a few of their own.”

  I’m taken aback. I stare at her with my lips parted.

  “Mistakes?”

  She rolls her eyes, “Not you, baby. You weren’t a mistake. Just deciding to be with the man I was with was a mistake.”

  “But if you weren’t with him, you never would’ve had me. I’m the result of that mistake.”

  She shakes her head, “Good things can come from bad things, Grace. All I’m saying is that if this is too much for you … you don’t have to do it. You’re so young … a baby is so much responsibility …” she shifts, “I’ll support whatever decision you make.”

  My brows crease, “Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

  She is silent.

  I pull away from her. “You’re not saying to abort the baby, are you?”

  She holds her hands up, “I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just saying I would support that decision if you decided that’s what’s best for you.”

  My mouth falls open. She knows how I feel about this topic.

  “Are you serious right now? First you say I was a mistake, then you suggest killing my baby? Was I really so horrible for you to raise that you would rather see your very first grandchild terminated than me go through with the pregnancy?”