Edified

by Marissa Sail Fike

  “Damn …” Grace says, “That’s rough …you guys are all good now though, right?”

  “Yeah,” I nod, “We’re all good. Sam is just a sensitive subject as of right now.”

  Our conversation is halted by the appearance of a nurse, “Gracelynn Rains?”

  ***

  “The worst of it’s over,” The doctor smiles at Grace, whose body has been fully violated.

  They took her vitals, blood pressure, measured her weight, examined her breasts, and completed a pelvic exam, and now Grace looks tired again.

  “Looks like we won’t be able to hear a heartbeat just yet. That’s more of a week nine perk. However, I can tell you that your due date should be about June third.”

  Grace nods, trying for a smile.

  “Let’s go ahead and get you out of that robe. Then you can head to the front for scheduling. Let’s see you back in another three weeks so we can hear that heartbeat!”

  The doctor shakes our hands and closes the door behind her.

  “I guess,” Grace says in a small voice as she slips off the robe, “I need to tell Jayden.”

  31

  Grace - Sunday

  “Well hello, beautiful!” Aunt Kim waves at me through my laptop screen.

  “Hey,” I smile.

  “Let me see it, let me see it!” She says.

  I blush through my smile, holding up the little sonogram up for her to see.

  “Awwww,” She coos, “Look at that … not even a little bean yet. So precious.”

  I had called Aunt Kim to tell her the news on the way home. Turns out she’d been exactly the person I needed to talk to. While everyone else appeared somber and concerned at my news, Aunt Kim beamed with excitement and demanded a video call to see her great-niece or nephew.

  “There’s not much to see yet,” I’d laughed, “We’re barely a month in.”

  She didn’t care.

  Her enthusiasm was refreshing. Especially since she knew the situation with Jayden. She just chose to treat it like a joyous occasion nonetheless, not mentioning the father unless I did. Every first pregnancy deserves at least someone being happy for you.

  “So how do you feel?” She smiles.

  I shake my head, a smile still on my face, “Bloated. And nervous.”

  “Well hush that negativity, you look amazing,” She beams, “And you should feel amazing too.”

  My smile falters, “Well … it’s a lot to take in. And I still need to tell Jayden …”

  “Ah,” She nods, eyes closed, “There’s that name. I was wondering when I’d hear it.”

  I look down at the picture, shaking my head, “I know this probably sounds weird … but I’m not scared that he might not be receptive to the news. I think I’m actually kinda scared that he’ll be open to it. Like, want a role in our lives.”

  Kim nods, “I hear you. Well listen, there’s not a thing in the world wrong with raising a child on your own. It’ll be a little harder of course, but you gotta do what’s best for you and this baby according to your judgment.”

  “Yeah …” And it’s not Jayden.

  “Have you considered what you’ll do if he does show an interest?”

  I frown.

  Of course I have.

  In fact, when I think about life with his baby, I imagine Jayden as the loving father I always thought he’d be.

  But that’s not how it will be.

  The Jayden that I once knew is not the Jayden that exists now.

  Unfortunately, no matter how much I wish I could cut this new Jayden out completely, I can’t just keep his own baby from him.

  “I have …” I tell her, “But that’s what I’m afraid of. What if he only wants to be half-committed? Occasionally showing up for our child, but mostly being a bad example when he does? To be honest, I just … don’t want him involved … but if he decides he has to be. I’m going to have some clearly outlined expectations ready for him. None of this half-in, half-out nonsense.”

  “Understandable,” She sighs. “Well … Just know, no matter how it turns out, I’m rooting for you, Grace. You’re an overcomer, and so incredibly strong.”

  I cradle my head in my hands, feeling the stress of this Jayden conversation already.

  “Listen, honey,” Aunt Kim says, “Whatever happens, I want you to do something for yourself.”

  “What’s that?” I say.

  She leans in, “Start enjoying life again. Don’t deprive yourself one more minute of joy over this. What’s done is done, so try to find a way to enjoy each little moment for what it is. Your body is going through something beautiful and amazing right now. Don’t miss it because of someone else’s bad attitude.”

  I smile a little, feeling the warmth in my eyes, “Thanks, Aunt Kim. I think I may be getting there.”

  ***

  My finger hovers over Jayden’s name in my contacts for what feels like forever. Finally, I swallow hard and hit the ‘call’ button.

  Two rings … four rings … I almost think he won’t pick up. And then,

  “Hello?”

  My mouth goes dry.

  “Hello?” he says again.

  “It’s me, Jayden.” I say.

  Silence.

  “I’m sorry to call you like this,” I say, instantly regretting the apology. “Look, I need you to come over. Or meet me in town somewhere.”

  He sighs, “Grace … I can’t.”

  I bite my tongue, hating his instant dismissal.

  “Why not?” I say tightly.

  “Let me get this straight,” He says. “I show up at your place, lay my heart on the table and apologize for everything … setting aside my pride and my manhood and my whole life pretty much. And you respond by sending Hadley over to cut my dick off. Now you want to meet up — just like that? What makes you think I’m ready to get back together?

  At first, I’m surprised. Then I’m disgusted. Is he really trying to turn this around?

  “It’s not like that,” I say firmly, “At all. I just need to tell you something.”

  “Tell me.” He says.

  “In person, Jayden.”

  He sighs, “Grace … I’m right in the middle of something. Can it wait?”

  I inhale deeply and slowly breathe it out, tamping down the volume of my words, “It’s important.”

  He exhales, “Fine. I’ll be at your house in ten minutes.”

  The phone clicks.

  I thought he was right in the middle of something.

  ***

  I’m praying the whole ten minutes it takes Jayden to get here. I only realize it’s been that long when I hear a knock at the door.

  I give the sonogram in my hand one last affectionate glance before carefully folding it into my pocket.

  I go over to the door, grateful that I look much more put-together than the last time we met. I open it to reveal the unsmiling, yet devilishly handsome man behind it. Weird how my stomach produces no flutters this time.

  His cologne wafts up my nostrils as he strides past me, but it makes me feel queasy more than anything else. He sits wordlessly on my couch and stares at me expectantly. I go to join him, though allowing a good four feet between our bodies.

  “Well?” He says, “Let’s hear it.”

  My fingers fiddle with the glossy paper in my pocket. I’ve got to rip this off like a Band-Aid.

  “There’s no graceful way to tell you this, Jayden. I’m just gonna go for it.” I breathe, “I’m pregnant. You and I are.”

  A few beats of excruciating silence pass. Then his eyes narrow at me.

  “You’re playing.”

  My jaw tightens, “No, Jayden. I wouldn’t lie about this.”

  “Yes you are,” He stands, running his fingers through his hair and pacing, “Either that or you’ve been messing around with someone else on the rebound, because there is no way.”

  “Quit casting blame,” I say firmly, taking out the sonogram. “I had my first prenatal exam today and they confirmed
it. The due date is June third.”

  He snatches the picture from my hands and squints at it. “That’s not a baby. Quit trying to pull some shit.”

  Furious now, I snatch the picture back, “The baby is too little, Jayden. That dark spot in the picture is the fertilized egg. That’s all you’ll be able to see this far along.”

  He stares at me with an expression some might call angry, but I know he’s just stressed. Something in his face softens and he looks as though he might fall apart.

  “Grace …” He says, gently now.

  He searches my face, and I can tell he’s trying to draw from the relationship we had, not the one we have. I wish he wouldn’t.

  “I can’t … I can’t do this.” He says, almost sadly.

  “I’m not asking you to.” I say, keeping my composure.

  “Can I … just see the picture again?”

  Oh no … Lord, please don’t let him stay.

  I swallow hard and stiffly hand over the picture of his baby. Or rather, the egg that is becoming his baby at this very moment.

  He stares at it for a few minutes, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

  I can’t take it anymore.

  “Listen to me, Jayden. You are either all in, or all out. You hear me? There is no halfway loving this child. You can’t do him or her the way you did me. I won’t let you.”

  Something in his face shifts back to the way it was before:

  Angry.

  “You know what, Grace? If that’s how it’s gonna be … If this little black spot is what you’re trying to pass off as a baby, then there is none.” Jayden says with resolve, “Get rid of it.”

  The bite in his tone surprises me — though I don’t know why at this point.

  “I’m not going to.” I say, struggling to keep calm.

  “Grace, I get a say in this.” He says, “Do what I said.”

  That does it.

  “How dare you,” I scream at him, “You and I are not a thing, and I will not do what you say!”

  He shakes his head, “Either get rid of it or find a way to deal with it yourself.”

  “You are the most unfeeling human being I’ve ever met!” I spit.

  “Better than you! Lying like a whore, trying everything to get me back!”

  What??

  “You are the last person I want back in my life! No less this baby’s.”

  “Well good, because you’re on your own, Grace.”

  “Fine!” I say, tears threatening. My anger chokes them down. “I told you about this because it was the right thing to do. Not because I wanted any part of you ever again!”

  Jayden stands, “I’m sorry, Grace. Just know I tried.”

  “You did not!” I shout.

  I watch as he storms out of my house, slamming the door behind him. I’m left in absolute silence.

  I don’t cry.

  In fact, I’m a little ... relieved.

  At last. He’s gone.

  “No more Jayden,” I stroke my tummy protectively. “Just you and me.”

  I stopped feeling afraid of my pregnancy shortly after my doctor visit … after the little guy’s presence became more real.

  It’s a feeling I would’ve never expected to have considering how unprepared I feel for motherhood … but seeing that little human developing inside of me for the first time stirred up an emotion inside of me that I can’t quite put to words.

  I thought about my painting of the baby and the scripture I read about God forming the little darling Himself. Staring at my ultrasound a day later, the scripture had a brand-new meaning for me. My art is made with paint and a canvas, but God’s art is made of breath and life. It made me feel like an important instrument of His artwork. Like He chose me to help create this little masterpiece. He already knows the baby and has given it a purpose … and knowing that helped me to be at peace with bringing it into the world.

  Instead of feeling afraid, I actually found a little comfort in my new situation. Me and this tiny human are a team now. The only thing standing in the way of our happy life was Jayden. Now that he’s out of the picture, maybe I can try this happy thing one more time.

  32

  Rae - Monday

  Okay, I breathe, Accountability. That’s what this is for. I’ll never meet my goal if I don’t remain accountable.

  I saunter up to Kaya’s table at Aroma Mocha. I spent a good thirty minutes psyching myself up to make the phone call, and another thirty minutes convincing myself that I’m doing the right thing.

  "Thanks for meeting me so last minute," I say, pulling out a chair.

  "Don't mention it!" Kaya smiles, "I reserve my Mondays for you girls."

  “Do you really?” I say, “All of Monday?”

  “Mm-hmm,” She nods, “Saturdays are my time with the Lord, and then Monday I reserve for meet-ups with you guys, so you actually called on the perfect day.”

  “That’s so awesome …” I say, “And then you host A&B on Wednesdays. How do you make time for all that?”

  She shrugs, “It’s not always easy, but the Lord makes a way. We didn’t meet up to talk about me though, did we? What’s going on with you?”

  I sigh, lowering my gaze, “Well, let’s see … How do I want to start this.”

  She waits patiently.

  “I feel like for any goal you make, whether it’s trying to eat healthier or maintain a specific weight, you either have an app, a trainer, or a friend to hold you accountable until you learn the methods and the self discipline to maintain it on your own. That’s the only way you’ll successfully meet your goals.”

  Kaya nods.

  “Well … you know the goals I made for myself recently … for me and Adam.” I sigh, “I can’t seem to get my grip on them. We were doing really good. Adam was super receptive to it and has been wonderful. But I think the thing that trips us up is my own … like … I don’t know, I guess insecurity?”

  I try to find more words to explain, but I feel like I've explained all there is to it. I have an insecurity problem. That's the fact of the matter.

  She nods, “Well, first of all, Rae, I just want to say I am so proud of you. What you just described is the essence of Christianity. We’re not made to do things on our own, but to carry each other in love when necessary. And the only way we can do that is if we’re honest with each other — especially about struggles with sins. Otherwise we can’t pray for each other as intimately as we should … otherwise, I never would’ve thought to share with you that I’ve struggled with this same thing in the past.”

  “Really?” I say, “With the one guy you told me about?”

  She shakes her head, “More recently than that I’m afraid.”

  “What?” I fail to hide my surprise

  She chuckles, “I’m thirty-four now, and still not married. I’m okay with that now, because I’m not sure that marriage is what God has in store for me. But when I first hit the big three-oh … man … did that do a number on me. I started feeling all those feelings you’re describing … but in the sense that I was getting old. I sought out people to prove it to me otherwise — that made me feel young and beautiful.”

  “Yes,” I say, surprised, “You understand then …”

  “I do,” she says, “and I struggled for two, long years. I didn’t just pick up any guy with wandering eyes. I still had standards for myself. But the point is, I was looking for security in other human beings, which will never lead to real fulfillment. The sex didn’t feel empty necessarily, it was just that no amount of it could keep me feeling secure in myself. I’d need it again and again, routinely, to prove that I wasn’t getting — oh I don’t know, old and boring I guess?”

  This makes me laugh.

  “I’m serious,” She smiles, “This was a problem for me. Rest assured, I understand where you’re coming from.”

  “Wow … I never would’ve thought that you …” I trail off, worried I’ll say the wrong words, but she just nods.

  “And that’s w
hat we gain by choosing to be transparent with each other. All of us have more in common than we think, if we’d just choose to show our humanity a little bit.”

  I let that sink in.

  “So how’d you, like, pull yourself out of it?”

  “Well,” she sighs, “Lots of crying. I decided that I didn’t like who I was becoming … totally reliant on someone else to feel my worth. I prayed and prayed, asking God to fix the broken person I’d become … and then something amazing happened.”

  A pause.

  “It’s like He just … whispered the words in my heart, and He said, ‘Find your identity in Me.’”

  My heart thuds.

  “Turns out,” she says, “There are a ton of scriptures where God lays out for us exactly who we are in Him. He uses words like, called, chosen, adopted, and forgiven … just to name a few. I began studying them deeply. Picking one thing per day to focus on, and slowly I began finding my security, just in reading about the personal identity God has given me. He reminded me of exactly who I am — not broken, not reliant on people, but healed, free, and strengthened.”

  My shoulders relax, “Could you share those scriptures with me?”

  She smiles, “Absolutely. In fact …”

  She reaches into her purse and pulls out her notebook. She opens the cover and pulls out a single page, looking over it with an affectionate smile before handing it to me, “You can keep this.”

  I scan the scripture-filled page. On the top, she’s written: Identity in Christ.

  “Are you sure?” I say, “Do you have another one?”

  She shakes her head, “Those scriptures are pretty much written on my heart at this point. My lessons have been learned, so now it’s your turn.”

  “Wow,” I smile, “Thanks, Kaya. I really appreciate this.”

  “You’re welcome,” She smiles.

  I fold the paper and slide it in my pocket.

  “Rae,” Kaya says.

  “Hm?”

  “I really believe that you can do this.”

  “Thanks,” I smile.

  “It’s important that you do,” She says, a little more seriously. “This journey for you isn’t just about being abstinent for the next seven months … it’s about finding lasting security in your Identity through Christ. That journey is going to last far into your marriage.”