Well-Tempered Clavicle

by Piers Anthony

  “Follow Pundora, you idiot,” Picka called helpfully.

  In the confusion of the action, with the distraction of Picka’s stun music, that evidently made sense to Piper. He swerved to follow his accomplice.

  “Oh, for pity’s sake!” Pundora said. “Don’t bother with me! I’ll handle this bucket of bones myself.” She twisted about and managed to drop to the ground.

  But Skully was not so readily evaded. He grabbed her again, this time by the hair, and dragged her on down the street. She was unable to escape without sacrificing a copious hank. She jerked, but could not free herself. “No fair!” she complained.

  “Ah, but all’s fair in love and war,” Skully replied. “Are you sure you won’t kiss me?”

  “I wouldn’t kiss you if you were the last skeleton in Xanth!”

  But then the road terminated in a dead end walled in by houses. All doors were closed, of course. There was nowhere to go.

  “Let her go,” Joy’nt said. “We’ll help Picka.”

  Skully let go of Pundora’s hair and ran back, dodging around the surprised monster. He and Joy’nt ran back along the alley while Piper recovered Pundora.

  Picka met them. “Maybe we can block them in,” he said. He played destruction music really loud. The walls on either side wavered. Then blocks started falling out.

  It was working! He had already improved significantly from his first effort.

  Meanwhile Piper, having picked up Pundora, was turning and starting back out of the alley.

  Picka played more destruction music, perfecting the theme. More stones crumbled and fell. Then the walls on either side collapsed, filling the alley with rubble.

  “Wow!” Skully said. “You trapped him!”

  “I hope so,” Picka agreed. “We’ll still need to figure out how to destroy him.”

  Then Piper came sliding over the top of the rubble wall.

  Picka clapped a bone hand to his skull bone. “I forgot he can climb! My effort was wasted.”

  “You can still oppose him with the regular kill-music,” Joy’nt said.

  “I will have to, if I can.”

  He tried, but the monster simply blocked it with his own, stronger music and continued advancing. Picka and the others had to retreat. They knew that neither Piper nor Pundora would allow another attack on Pundora; such a surprise worked only once.

  Steadily Piper advanced, and as steadily they retreated. The monster was simply stronger, physically and musically, than Picka.

  “Go carry Dawn to safety,” Picka told Skully grimly. “She will not be able to flee on her own, and I can’t hold him back.”

  Skully started moving, then paused. “Too late.”

  “What?” Picka asked, still focusing on the repulsion music he was using to slow Piper’s advance.

  “She’s been summoned.”

  And there was Dawn, passing them as she walked toward the monster. She did not look happy, but she did not pause.

  “Grab her!” Picka said. “I can’t do it; I have to focus on the music.”

  Skully tried, but Piper blasted out extra music, and Dawn leaped forward, avoiding the skeleton. In a moment and a half she reached the monster. Pundora reached down to haul her up on the creature’s back with her. It was indeed too late.

  Now other townsmen appeared. They were carrying flaming torches, illuminating the night.

  “Give me those,” Picka said. He reshouldered his clavicles and ran to snatch two from startled townsmen. Then he turned and charged the monster, swinging the torches. He jammed them into the creature’s jellylike flesh. There was a loud hissing as the fire burned it.

  Piper shrank back, his music ending in a dreadfully sour note. That stopped his magic. He had been caught totally by surprise, and had been hurt.

  Picka scrambled up to grab the woman on the monster’s back. He wrapped his arms about her and heaved her up. He ran to the side, carrying her clear.

  Once he got her far enough away, he set her down. “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “Why Picka, I didn’t know you cared.”

  It was Pundora! He could see in the dark, but not as well as in daylight. He had gotten the wrong woman. Pundora, of course, realizing his intent, had neither resisted nor protested. She was giving Piper time to carry Dawn away.

  His first thought was to run back after the monster. But his second thought suggested that he might be able to make something of his mishap. Without Pundora, Piper would have trouble managing. He had trouble focusing on his deadly music and on physical strategy simultaneously. Picka knew how that was. Keep Pundora away from the monster, and the creature was unlikely to go far. Especially not when surrounded by angry torch-bearing townsmen.

  “On second thought, you may be as good as she is,” Picka said. “You have similar flesh.”

  “Ha. Ha. Ha,” she said. “You’re as funny as your form. You must be made of funny bones.”

  “Piper can’t have you. I will take you away forever.”

  “The bleep you will, you emaciated freak!” She backed away from him.

  Picka dived to catch her again. He heaved her up and flung her over his shoulder. He started walking away from the action.

  “Put me down, you bleeping bleep!” she cried, pummeling his tailbone with her fists.

  “I’m sure in time you will come to appreciate me,” he said. “After all, what use will Piper have for you, now that he has Dawn?”

  “Yes, that’s my revenge on Dawn. She has to marry the slime monster. It serves her right.”

  She had to be bluffing. “So you might as well come with me. You’ll never see Piper again.”

  She wriggled and heaved and managed to topple to the ground. She fled instantly. So he had been right: she was not finished with the monster.

  But she wasn’t finished with this town, either. Two approaching townsmen intercepted her. They grabbed her by both arms. They knew her for an enemy, but she was also a beautiful woman.

  “Unhand me, oafs!” she cried.

  “Don’t be like that,” a townsman said, hauling her in for a kiss.

  “Wretch!” she screamed. “Don’t you dare kiss me.”

  “I won’t,” the other townsman said. He put his hand on her bottom for a good feel.

  “Lout!” she yelled, swinging her fist at him.

  This had gone far enough. Picka did not like to see a woman being mistreated, even a nasty one like Pundora. “Don’t molest her,” Picka called. “She’s a prisoner of war. Take her to a safe place.”

  “Aww,” a townsman said, but he obeyed.

  They held Pundora firmly by the arms and started marching her away. She struggled to get free, but couldn’t.

  “Then again…” she said flirtatiously. She was obviously scheming to get free of them, using seductive wiles. Picka hoped the townsmen would be too smart for that, but he doubted it. They were, after all, living men, whose savvy stopped where female beauty began. She would soon enough get free of them.

  Picka ran himself, but not after Pundora. He could see better in darkness than she could, and soon he was well away from the others. But before he reached the monster, Skully was before him. “I got her!” Skully said. He had Dawn in his arms.

  “Thanks!” Picka said. He took Dawn, who was barely conscious. The monster had truly stunned her.

  He had to get her farther away from Piper. But the monster was in the town, doing who knew what damage, and only Picka’s music would balk it for long. What was he to do?

  “Take her far away from here, so Piper can’t get her,” Skully said.

  “Joy’nt!” Picka called.

  His sister heard him and came to him. “You got her!”

  “Yes. Skully rescued her. She can’t fight Piper herself. I need to go and help the townsmen drive him away.”

  “Got it,” Joy’nt agreed. She took Dawn by the hand and led her away. The stun seemed to be wearing off, but slowly.

  Picka ran back to brace the monster. He found hi
m where he had left him, on the street surrounded by townsmen. But the townsmen were not attacking. They were simply standing in place under their flickering torches. They had all been pacified.

  It was an impasse. Pundora had not yet rejoined Piper, and Piper was using his music to hold the townsmen at bay. Neither could make progress at the moment. But the arrival of Pundora would change that, as she provided the direction the monster was missing.

  Picka unlimbered his clavicles and began to play. He played nullification music, countering the pacification music. The townsmen began to stir. One of them threw his torch at the monster.

  Then something odd happened. Just before it reached the monster’s flesh, there was a short bleat of dissonance and it snuffed out.

  A second townsman hurled his torch. This too winked out.

  Piper was musically dousing the torches! Picka had not known he could do that, and probably GoDemon had not known either.

  Skully joined him. “Can you do that?” he asked.

  “I think I can, now that I’ve heard the music for it. But I don’t want to put out any torches.”

  “If the monster can put a fire out, can he start one?”

  Picka was surprised by the thought, and his music hesitated. That allowed the monster’s music to gain advantage. “Maybe he can. That would be another inanimate effect.”

  “You had better learn how, then, so you can give him a better hotfoot.”

  “I can’t invent such music. I have to hear it first.”

  “Then get him to play it.”

  “How?”

  Skully considered. “Maybe you can trick him. Set him up to set you back by blasting you with fire.”

  “But he knows that skeletons aren’t much subject to fire. It would have to be a very hot, enduring blast, like that of a large fire dragon. He won’t waste his effort.”

  “He might, if he thought you were foolish. Without Pundora to advise him, he might be fooled.”

  It made sense. “She’ll be back any moment now. I need to act fast.”

  “A mattress!” Skully said. “I’ll fetch a mattress you can use to shield yourself, maybe muffling his music.”

  “But a mattress wouldn’t be much protection. It would readily burn!”

  Skully nodded.

  Then Picka caught on. “Fetch it!”

  Skully ran off, while Picka continued to advance slowly against the monster, interfering with his pacification music so that every so often a townsman was able to throw another torch. Because there were many brave townsmen, Piper had to focus intently, and that enabled Picka to match his music. If it had been just the two of them, the monster would have driven Picka steadily back.

  Skully reappeared, carrying a mattress. “I explained to a townsman,” he said. “He gave me this old one.”

  But there was a problem. “I can’t hold up the mattress and play my ribs at the same time.”

  “That’s right! My oversight. Okay, I’ll hold it, shielding you.”

  They advanced, Skully holding the mattress between them and the monster. “Say, this really helps!” Picka said loudly. “He can’t see me to focus on me, as long as the mattress shields me from his view.”

  “When we get close enough, I’ll start chopping off his legs,” Skully said. He did not clarify how he would do that while using both arms to hold up the big mattress. With luck, he would not need to.

  There was a strange new musical theme. Could that be it?

  Suddenly a fireball formed right over the mattress. It was so hot it made the straw and fabric burst into flame.

  “Oh, our plot is ruined!” Skully cried loudly. “I’ll beat it out!” He threw down the mattress and flailed at it with his widened arm bones.

  The music repeated. Another fireball burst, igniting more of the mattress. “Oh, horror!” Skully cried. “The monster is outsmarting us!”

  Picka, though, now had the tune and could duplicate it. But he didn’t, because he didn’t want the monster to realize his mistake.

  Pundora reappeared and ran to join Piper. Her hair was wild; she evidently had countered the foolishly amorous townsmen and had to fight her way free. They must have been tenacious. Probably the darkness had prevented them from seeing her bra or panties, so she had been unable to freak them out by mere sight. That would account for the delay.

  That made him wonder about her. With her body she could have fascinated almost any mortal man. Why did she bother with the monster? Could her need for vengeance be that great? Well, how would Picka himself feel if someone killed Dawn? He would probably be dedicated to destroying that person to the exclusion of all else. Pundora must really have loved Attila. So her attitude was understandable.

  The woman leaped onto the monster’s back. She whipped out her mirror. “Princess Dawn is that way,” she said, accurately pointing. Piper immediately turned that way.

  This was mischief. Dawn would never be safe as long as Pundora could track her. Why hadn’t he thought to take away that infernal mirror while he had Pandora? He knew why: because it wasn’t just a mirror, but a collaborating woman who could not be dissuaded.

  But that was a long-term threat. Right now he simply had to stop Piper from following Dawn. At least he had a new weapon to do it.

  He played fireball music. His first effort was wild; the fire formed high in the sky and flared out in half a moment. His second was better, closer to the monster and lasting longer. His third was right on target, right over Piper’s head-part.

  The monster extinguished it immediately, of course. But that effort caused him to forget the townsmen. They tossed in several more torches.

  “Stun them!” Pundora cried. “Stun them all, hard enough to last!”

  The townsmen fell to the ground and lay still. They were out of it.

  “Now take out Picka!” Pundora said. “You can’t win the princess until you get rid of him, because she loves him. Run him over, dismember him, dissolve his bones! Then you’ll be able to go after Dawn.”

  Unfortunately, she was exactly right. She was again providing the strategy the monster needed to win. Picka should never have let her rejoin the fray.

  The monster, freed of distractions, oriented on Picka. Another fireball flared. Picka put it out, but it was a struggle because he was not proficient in this new music. He backed away.

  Piper advanced, hurling more fire. Picka felt the searing heat; any living man would be severely burned, or already dead. Picka himself would soon enough be singed; the blasts were too close, too fierce. He retreated farther.

  “We need help,” Skully said, and ran away. That was his idea of helping?

  “See, his false friend’s deserting him,” Pundora cried gleefully. “Finish him off!”

  Picka got marginally smarter and sent a fireball not at the monster, but directly at Pundora. It burst right over her head and singed her hair before Piper put it out. But then she hunkered down, becoming much less of a target, and the monster was on guard, so that ploy was no good anymore.

  The monster continued to advance, and Picka continued to retreat. His music was protecting him, and he was getting better at it with this necessary practice, but he was still far from good enough. He was in deep doubt he would ever be good enough. Piper was simply the better musician, and that included the kill-music, fireballs and all.

  He was, ultimately, doomed. Even if he survived this encounter, he would be at a similar disadvantage in the next—and there would be a next, because the monster would never quit until Picka was destroyed and Dawn was possessed.

  Then Skully returned. There was someone with him. “See? I told you,” he said. “Fireballs!”

  “So I see,” the other replied. “I had not known of this particular aspect. The monster has grown more formidable than I realized.”

  It was GoDemon, who had gone to organize the townsmen. “I need help!” Picka said. “He is too strong for me.”

  “And for me,” Go agreed. “But let’s see what we can do together.”
He was holding a torch to light his way. Now he fingered it, and music surged forth.

  The monster halted. Because Go’s music was countering the stunning the townsmen had received, and they were clambering back to their feet. They picked up their fallen torches and resumed stalking Piper.

  Picka played his music with new vigor. Fireballs flew at the monster, one after the other, barely getting extinguished before singeing Piper’s tender flesh.

  The monster had no choice. He had to retreat.

  “Bleep!” Pundora cried villainously. “Bleepity bleepity bleep!”

  “That girl’s got a foul mouth,” Go remarked as they slowly walked forward, playing their music.

  “We tried to separate her from the monster,” Picka said, “because she enables him to attack us effectively. But we failed.”

  “Why does she support him?”

  “Dawn inadvertently destroyed her boyfriend, Attila the Pun. She’s furious.”

  “Battila?”

  “No, Attila.”

  “I encountered a Battila once, a caped warrior. Maybe they were brothers.”

  They were coming to the edge of town. There was a brushy area beyond it. “Set fire to the brush!” Pundora told the monster. “That’ll distract them.”

  Piper directed his magic to the brush. One bush after another burst into flame. In no more than two and a half moments there was a raging brushfire. There was a nasty wind blowing it toward the town.

  “Oh, bleep!” Go swore. “We have to stop that fire.”

  Picka tried, but he could douse only one spot at a time, while this was a savage line. The best he could do was make temporary holes in the firewall.

  The townsmen got to work, fetching buckets of water from the harbor. Each bucketful was small, but there were many of them, and soon they got the fire under control.

  But while they were doing that, Pundora and the monster made their escape. It would be useless to try to go after them in the night.

  “At least we beat them back,” Skully said.

  GoDemon, worn and weary from the effort, looked at Picka. “I think you will understand why you will not be welcome here, hereafter. We can’t afford to suffer more attacks like this.”

  “We understand,” Picka said.