The Dystopian Diaries

by K. W. Callahan

  Well, enough writing for now. I don’t want to neglect my new companions. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone to talk to that I want to take advantage of the opportunity.

  November 5th

  6:28 p.m.

  We hauled the last of the supplies back to the maintenance shed from Luther’s camp today. If I never have to hear or write that deranged lunatic’s name again I’ll be happy.

  I feel a certain sense of calm come over me knowing that he’s gone and I hopefully won’t have to see his camp ever again.

  So the weather has broken for the time being. Temperatures are staying above freezing and there hasn’t been any winter precipitation for almost a week (knock on wood). Our supply situation is holding since we’ve had this sudden influx from you-know-who’s camp. We’ve been busy cutting and collecting firewood, and I’ve even had some time to do a little fishing. I took Madeline and the puppies along. The puppies played while I taught Madeline how to bait a hook and cast. She’s a quick study and caught on fast. I’m lucky to have her with me.

  There hasn’t been anything romantic between us yet, and I’m hesitant to push to learn out just how close things got between her and Jesse. I find it hard to imagine that being crammed up in this tiny maintenance shed with nothing to do under “end of times” circumstances didn’t breed some physical interaction between the two. I mean, I certainly couldn’t blame Jesse. Madeline is a knock out girl, and not just physically. She’s smart (and not just “book smart”), hard working, has a good sense of humor, and is kind and caring (I see it in the way she treats the pups). But I don’t want to rush things. We’ve both been through a heck of a lot lately, and we should be focusing mainly on survival, safety, and taking care of the pups. Anything else (if there should BE anything else) can come later. And if not, it’s at least nice to have a companion with whom I can talk and share thoughts. I can’t deny that it’s helpful to have someone else to assist with all the work that needs to be done on a regular basis too.

  It was as if the world was testing me, or maybe TOYING with me over the past month. If threw every sort of shit occurrence possible at me, and then it saved me. And now that I’ve passed my test, it has rewarded me with Madeline and the puppies.

  Even now, even in this new world, even with the guilt I still feel about those at the gas station still weighing heavily on me, I count myself lucky. I still haven’t told Madeline about that. I’m afraid it will change her perception of me. But I probably should. If there is any possibility at all for a future between us, I want to start off on the right foot and be honest with her. If she should find any reason to care for me, I want it to be because she knows the TRUE me, not just the side that came charging in to save her from Luther (ugh, there’s that damn name again).

  I suppose I should tell her sooner than later then. It’s going to be hard, but I owe it to both of us.

  November 6th

  10:19 a.m.

  Today’s the day. It’s sunny out, and it feels like it’s about 40 degrees. We’re going fishing here in a few minutes. That’s when I’m going to tell Madeline about my actions at the gas station. I’ll let you know how it goes. It might just be this book, the pups, and me again after she hears what I have to say.

  2:12 p.m.

  I couldn’t tell her. I completely whimped out. At first, I just couldn’t find the words. Then, once I’d found the words, and I was all ready to go, Madeline caught her first fish. In all the commotion of reeling it in and the congratulatory moments that followed, I didn’t think it a good time. I mean, what better way to ruin a great moment, right?

  Guess I’ll just have to try later. But the longer I wait, the more the potential revelation weighs on me.

  8:18 p.m.

  I finally did it! I finally did my big reveal, and am I ever glad I did. I just got some of the best news I could have hoped for other than Miles is back from the dead.

  So a little bit ago, I sat Madeline down to explain what I’d been trying to tell her for some time now about my role in the events at the gas station. She listened patiently until I had completely finished relating my tale. Then she asked a couple questions to clarify a few things – the exact date the event had occurred, the location of the gas station, and the number of robbers and their general description.

  After I answered these questions to the best of my ability, she asked if I had actually read the newspaper article from which I had gleaned my headline.

  I told her that I hadn’t.

  She nodded slowly, biting at her bottom lip, and then said, “You weren’t the cause of those people dying.”

  I was stunned by her words, and had no idea of how she might be so confident in telling me this. And I told her so.

  She said that there had been several gas station robberies around that time in Woodcrest. These occurred in the days leading up to the complete breakdown in civil order, and before she and Jesse had linked up and fled town. The gas station in which the fatalities of six customers occurred had been across town from the one in which I had been involved in the holdup. She said the robbers there had been Hispanic, not white as the suspects in my robbery were. In fact, she had read an article published prior to the newspaper that I had seen. It had noted that my departure from the gas station had actually started a customer uprising of sorts. My act had apparently been viewed as one of bravery by several of the people cowering on the floor beside me. It had distracted the two gunmen, and it enabled those customers remaining in the store to overpower the two men and get their guns. The gunmen were then taken into custody by the police.

  Rather than a coward, if anything, I was a hero, Madeline told me.

  And while I still feel like anything BUT a hero, considering my actions were purely out of self-preservation, Madeline said that my instincts to stay alive were just that, instincts. She went on to say that if I had continued to lay there with the others, who knew what the gunmen may have done. They may have continued to shoot hostages. My act may actually have SAVED the lives of the people inside the gas station with me. She told me that no one else in there did what I had done. They were all too scared. If nothing else, I at least had enough balls to try to save myself. She went on to say that it’s not always outward heroism that saves the day. Sometimes it’s just a bit of bravery paired with fate that has someone coming out the other side of a situation like that viewed as either a hero or a coward. But if my bit of “courage” was enough to save others as well, then I guess I’m happy I did what I did, even though I still feel a bit foolish about it all.

  The icing on the cake that really soothed my concerns about how Madeline might view my actions was when she told me that she would have done exactly the same thing if she was brave enough under such circumstances to have done anything at all. Were it me or the pups in the gas station with her, she might have acted differently (confronting the gunmen rather than running), but with a bunch of people she didn’t know or care about, she would have bolted for the doors just as I had done.

  Her words warmed my heart and soothed any injuries to my ego caused by my perceptions of how I had acted. Not only did it help to hear that she would have done the same thing, but it was nice to know that she thought she would have done it differently had the pups or I been there. That means she obviously thinks we’re important enough for her to endanger herself, which makes me feel even better!

  So now, here I sit, my pups dozing by the stove in a small basket padded with a tattered flannel shirt. Madeline is mending several pairs of clothing with holes in them to ready them for harsher winter temperatures. Our work is done for the day, we have enough firewood to keep us supplied for several weeks, the lakes surrounding us remain ice-free for fishing, and with the sudden influx of supplies from you-know-who’s camp we have food for at least a more couple weeks.

  All things considered, I really can’t complain.

  November 13th

  5:49 p.m.

  I know I haven’t written in a while. I guess it has been
about a week in fact, and I apologize for that. We’ve just been so busy with our winter preparations and caring for the pups (both of whom are growing noticeably). And with someone to talk to and share my thoughts with regularly in the way of Madeline, I don’t find myself feeling the need to enter my thoughts in this journal as much anymore. When I was alone, it was my only outlet other than Miles. But with Madeline here, things are just…well, different.

  The last week has been of blur of hurried winter preparations. The weather has held steady, blustery with gray skies that are often paired with a chilly westerly wind that whips at us while we work. At the same time, the temperatures make us glad to have our cozy maintenance shed hovel, a structure that is proving surprisingly resilient against the onset of winter.

  I’m finding Madeline an incredible partner in life here at the club. No wonder Jesse linked up with her to combat post-flu living. I feel very lucky to have found her. Personally, I think that we make a great team. And while I haven’t pressed her on the issue, I get the feeling that she is satisfied with my efforts at making a life together as well. Even if it’s only for the winter, since I have no idea whether or not she intends to keep me around for the long run, she appears content. Sure, partner pickings are slim out here, but that’s no guarantee that she’ll stay with me if we aren’t compatible.

  But I don’t want to over think things. Things seem good at the moment, and I’m going to be content to leave it at that. If something more than a good partnership between two Su flu survivors should develop, then I will be more than happy. If it doesn’t, I will do my best to be content with that development as well. Madeline pulls her weight, ensures that I pull mine, and motivates me to push harder than I would have were I on my own. And knowing that we have two children to care for in the way of the pups has all those paternalistic instincts welling up inside me. That pushes me all the harder to provide for what I now consider my family.

  So as I mentioned when I started writing, we’ve been busy little bees around here lately. Madeline, having lived in the area her entire life, knows the place far better than I do. This has helped us in our search for supplies. Once we finished hauling the remainder of Luther’s (I know, I hate writing the name, but whatever) supplies back to our shed, we were able to take inventory and get a better feel for where we’re at, what we need more of, and develop a timeline for how long we can last with what we have. It’s obviously not enough stuff to get us through the entire winter. We plan to bulk up our supply levels by continuing to fish. If that means ice fishing during the winter once the lakes are frozen over, then I guess that’s what we’ll have to do. But Madeline’s familiarity with the area means we have some new scavenging options.

  Over the past week, we’ve visited several abandoned homes heading in the opposite direction of town. They were far enough away not to have been torched by the remaining Woodcrest residents. One of the houses seemed like it might be a good spot for potential future relocation. The problem would be getting all our stuff moved there as it’s probably a good four miles away. With the weather having gotten substantially colder, I don’t necessarily want to abandon our current site. Doing so would mean leaving behind all the wood we’ve collected and having to start anew. Plus, the size of our cozy shed, while a bit cramped, means it’s far easier to heat than an entire home. I also didn’t see any fresh water sources around the home, and we’re still reliant on fish as a critical part of our regular diet. Therefore, relocation – if it is indeed a possibility – might be more of a summer project.

  Okay, I’m tired. I’m going to go feed the pups, eat a little something for myself, and then read to Madeline. She likes it when I read to her from several of the books I brought from home – she especially likes On the Road since she has never read it before. She likes Thoreau’s Walden as well. It’s a more difficult read, but it makes for some interesting discussions. We’ve also picked up a few helpful tips and ideas regarding things we might attempt in a garden this spring.

  November 24th

  Thanksgiving

  7:17 p.m.

  It’s Thanksgiving! And boy do I have plenty to be thankful for! Madeline is proving to be a godsend in every possible way – from conversationalist to companion, from parent (to the pups) to partner in this tough new life, I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

  And to think, less than a month ago, I was ready to end it all. If it hadn’t been for the pups, I would have too. I was that close. Thank god I didn’t jump the gun. Thank god for this journal. If I hadn’t been writing my last entry, I might never have heard the pups crying. If I hadn’t heard the pups crying, they probably would have frozen in the cold or starved. And if I hadn’t been forced to care for them, I would never have come back to the shed where Madeline was being held prisoner. And if I hadn’t come back to the shed, I wouldn’t have rescued Madeline. And if I hadn’t rescued Madeline – ugh, I shudder to think what might have happened to her.

  But it’s Thanksgiving, and I shouldn’t be rehashing the past and all the negativity that came with it. I should be thinking my lucky stars for the amazing present in which I’m living and praying for a similar future.

  We’re just getting ready to sit down to dinner (fish – of course; but I’m not complaining).

  We have a good stock of supplies, and the cold weather is making it easier to preserve them for longer periods of time (especially the fish). We’re not eating gourmet dinners or anything like that, but we’re staying well fed (as are the puppies).

  Speaking of the puppies, they hardly look like pups anymore. They’re looking like pre-teens already! (Gosh, I sound like such a parent).

  Oh, and by the way, on a more personal note, Madeline and I were intimate the other night! I know, I know. I won’t go into detail, but I have to say that IT…WAS…AMAZING!!!!!

  If I didn’t think she could top herself in all the other realms in which she is incredible, she proved me wrong in this regard. AMAZING! AMAZING! AMAZING!

  And I’ll leave it at that.

  (He wasn’t too bad either!!!)

  (Note from Dec. 25th) – I didn’t write the last line directly above. Madeline must have snuck my diary and inserted it, that sneaky little devil. But we bear no secrets from one another, and she’s still reading some of my previous journal entries so she must have seen my comments regarding her performance in the sack and inserted that little footnote. Personally, I’m glad she did. Thanks, Sweetie!

  December 25th

  Christmas

  10:03 a.m.

  This will be my last entry. I’m beginning a new life today, one in which I want to focus on the moment and the future rather than relating events of the past.

  Today, Madeline and I are to be married. Obviously it’s not the typical pre-flu, legally-binding ceremony. It’s to be a simple occasion, in a simple location (the site of my former camp, so Miles can be there), for a simple couple, in what now, in many ways, is a much simpler world.

  It’s cold and snowy out, but I think we’re all going a bit stir crazy after being cooped up in our shed for so long. At noon, we’ll all trudge over to my old camp for a brief but meaningful ceremony. Madeline and I have both written short vows that we will recite once there. We had to use a ring that she already wears for her wedding band. I’ll go without until I can find a ring I’m happy with and that fits well on one of our scavenging missions. The pups (although I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to call them “pups”) will be our witnesses.

  And even though it appears that it’s going to be a long tough winter, I feel like I’m ready for it. With Madeline, Miles Jr., and Selly here with me, I feel as though I can take on ANYTHING! They provide me with a confidence unlike anything I’ve felt before, and I’m thankful for that…for THEM. And I know that Miles is looking down on us now (probably drooling and extremely hungry) content in his sweet doggie brain to see his offspring being cared for by the same master he served so faithfully. I love you old buddy!

  And now, with
prayers that spring brings with it the same sort of hopefulness for the future that I feel right now, I’m going to follow through with my plan from several months ago. No, not killing myself, but sealing this journal within a sealable freezer bag packed within a hard plastic container. I’ll leave it here beneath the tree beside which Miles and Ben are buried. Maybe one day someone will find it and read about my experiences here – or maybe not. Either way, it’s time for me to move on to a new chapter in my life, free from the baggage of the past, and free to enjoy the new loves in my life unhindered and un-tethered.

  32 years post flu

  It took me a long time to find this place, longer than I thought it would. It took me almost as long to find this book. The container in which it has been sealed was buried beneath several inches of twigs, leaves, and other forest debris. But it was right where Dad said it would be before he passed.

  It has been interesting reading about Dad’s post-flu experiences. He never really talked about them much, always saying it was best to focus on the future and not rehash the past. Now that I’m married with children of my own, I understand better what he was talking about.