At the bottom of the first one was the one outfit she’d kept from Cole’s childhood. It was a pale blue sleeper covered with red choo-choo trains. Cole had worn it as often as he could the year he was three. Ashley lifted it from the box and ran her thumbs over the soft fabric.
“Cole, you were just this little. Where did the days go?” She pressed the pajamas to her face and breathed in. They no longer smelled of him, of course. Over the years the outfit had picked up the smell of cardboard and dust and time.
Time most of all.
She rifled around the bottom of the container and found a small red and blue toy train, the colors worn off in spots. Much like the trains on Cole’s well-worn pajamas. Ashley gave the wheels a gentle spin. The toy still looked the way it had all those years ago when Cole was a child.
How her oldest son loved this little train. Ashley smiled. Cole would make tracks with his blocks across the living room floor so he could take the train over water or snow or whatever his imagination came up with. And sometimes he would take the train airborne, when the ground was too limiting.
Ashley could still feel his little hand in hers on their walks through the neighborhood. She studied the toy. Cole had brought this train with him everywhere, especially to the park. So he could run it down the slide and take the tiny imaginary passengers for a ride on the swing. This train was part of his daytime routine until he was five.
When kindergarten interrupted his baby boy days.
Once more she held the pajamas and train to her face, then pressed them to the spot over her heart. If only she could have one more day back then. Back when these were everything to her little boy. The way they still were to Ashley. With tender care, she set the items back in the box. Souvenirs of Cole’s childhood.
She would love them forever.
There was one more thing she wanted to find. She searched through the second box, sorting through stacks of papers and kids’ artwork. What she wanted was the book of letters her mom had written to them before cancer took her. Not long after Ashley and Landon’s wedding, her dad put the letters together and made a copy for each of the kids.
It took less than a minute to find it. She lifted the book from the box and set it on her lap. On one of the pages was a poem Ashley’s mom had written for Luke the night before he married Reagan. Then, when her cancer returned, her mom had taken the poem and changed the ending. So it would be more fitting for the rest of the kids and grandkids.
Ashley didn’t want to read it today. Didn’t even want to open it. Finding it was enough. She set the book aside and closed up the boxes once more. After she returned them to the top shelf of her closet, she tucked the book of letters onto a shelf in the cupboard above the family computer. So that she could easily get it and read it to Cole at the end of the summer. In Cole’s last hours at home.
Before he drove off to his new life—wherever that would be.
• • •
ALL SEMESTER ASHLEY had been charting the lasts. When they drove onto the school grounds, she checked off another. Last time they’d come to Clear Creek High School with Cole still a student.
Janessa skipped up beside her as they walked from the SUV to the football stadium. “Mama.” She looked worried. As if her seven-year-old heart didn’t like the idea of endings. Not where her big brother was concerned. “Does this mean Cole’s grown up?”
Ashley felt her heart overflowing with emotions. Was it really 2019? Already? She took a full breath. There was no other way to answer Janessa’s question. “I guess maybe it does.”
“So soon?” Janessa furrowed her brow. “I thought he still had a few more years.”
“I keep thinking that, too.” Ashley loved her little girl. The two were so much alike. Janessa was still finishing second grade. But Ashley didn’t dare tell herself they had forever. Cole’s cap and gown told her the truth.
Children don’t last.
They kept walking. Landon and Devin were a few yards ahead, and Cole had gotten here an hour ago. “Well.” Janessa started skipping again. “I wish Cole had more time at home. I don’t want him to move away.”
“I don’t, either.” Ashley took hold of her little girl’s hand. “Let’s go get good seats.”
“Yay!” Janessa dropped the sad conversation and ran with Ashley up the steps and into the stadium.
Everyone was coming to support Cole today, to cheer him on for reaching this milestone. He wasn’t just graduating. He would walk with honors for his nearly perfect GPA. Even this past semester with everything going on Cole pulled off straight A’s.
Ashley set out programs to save seats on two rows. Five for her brother Luke’s family, and five for her brother Dayne and his wife and kids, all of whom had flown in from Los Angeles yesterday. Four for Brooke’s family and four for Kari’s, since Jessie was graduating also. Plus her dad and Elaine.
All together they needed twenty-five seats.
Landon had been talking to the parents of one of Cole’s friends. When he jogged back over to her, he surveyed the blocked-off rows. He grinned at her. “Here we go.”
Carolyn’s parents approached them and for the next few minutes the four of them talked about Liberty University. The conversation helped take Ashley’s mind off what was happening here, how in just an hour Cole would step onto the stage as a high school kid, and walk off the other side, a graduate.
A few minutes before the ceremony Elise came over. She wore a loose-fitting white blouse and dark jeans and her graduation cap. Her gown was hanging over her arm. Ashley watched how the girl’s full dark hair fell in layers around her face and blew in the breeze. No one would’ve guessed she was pregnant. “Hi, Elise.” Ashley turned to her. And for a few seconds it was like she was seeing a younger version of herself. The way she had looked when she left home for Paris.
“Mrs. Blake, I was wondering. Could my mom and my aunt and uncle sit with you? They wanted to meet you.”
Ashley didn’t hesitate. “Of course.” She stood and slid the extra programs down a bit, making room for three more. Then she faced Elise. “Will they be here soon?”
“Any minute. And thanks.” Her smile looked untroubled, easy. With none of the doubt and shame that had plagued her much of the last few months. “For the seats. But also for taking me to church on Easter.” She hesitated and looked straight at Ashley. “I have my faith back because of your family. That’s everything to me.”
“I’m glad.” Ashley hugged the girl and then sat down again. “Congratulations. On NYU.”
“Thank you.” Her face lit up. “I can’t wait to go.” Elise hurried off to join her class on the grassy field.
Ashley watched her leave and a surge of hope filled her heart. Maybe Elise was going to go through with the adoption after all. Before Ashley could give the matter much thought, the rest of her family arrived. Cole’s cousins Maddie and Hayley sat together. Ashley took the spot between Landon and Janessa. As she sat down a wave of guilt came over her. From the moment she’d found out Elise was pregnant, Ashley hadn’t been a fan. Yes, she’d put on an understanding face around Cole. But deep down, this whole time, she hadn’t wanted Cole tangled up with Elise’s baggage, had definitely not wanted him feeling responsible to stay with her through the pregnancy.
Most of all she hadn’t wanted Cole falling for a bad girl.
But twenty years ago that bad girl had been her. Ashley Baxter.
She lifted her eyes to the cloudy sky overhead. I’m sorry, Lord. Why didn’t I see this before? No wonder Cole’s last semester hadn’t gone like she had hoped. Ashley had chosen not to enjoy it. Instead she had wasted far too much time being silently critical and judgmental of Elise. Wishing Cole had never met the girl. And now . . .
Lord, help me extend grace. The way it was given to me.
Like Landon had treated her, Cole had never judged Elise. He had only cared for her and stood by her and helped her through a difficult season. Yes, they were young. But Ashley had to believe Cole’s actions we
re exactly what Landon would’ve done. Thank You, God, for the summer. Let me make it up to Cole. And to Elise. To both of them.
Ashley watched three people approach her, and immediately she knew who they were. One of the women definitely had Elise’s eyes. Sure enough, the woman introduced herself as Elise’s mom. The other two people were Elise’s aunt and uncle. Ashley introduced herself and the three took their seats. They talked about how thankful they were for Cole. Elise’s aunt mentioned that she had been shocked at the pregnancy news. “We only just found out.” Regret seemed to come over the woman. “I wish I would’ve paid more attention.”
“You couldn’t have known.” Ashley wasn’t sure what to say. “Anyway, here we are. She’s happy all of you are here.”
After a few minutes, the conversation with Elise’s family fizzled. Ashley looked around her at all the people she loved. A hush came over the crowd, and the band began to play “Pomp and Circumstance.” Three notes in and Ashley felt the first sting of tears. Nothing about the song was a surprise. It was played at every graduation, every year all across the nation.
This time, though, the music swirled around her and pulled her in and as the graduating class of 2019 walked in two lines onto the field, tears slid down Ashley’s cheeks. A few seats over she saw Kari going through the same thing. Because of the accident, this hadn’t been an easy semester for Kari and her daughter Jessie, either.
Ashley found two tissues in her purse. She leaned over Landon to give one to her sister. Kari smiled at her, a look of gratitude and knowing. Once every few years, ever since their kids were babies, they had talked about 2019. How far off it was and how it would take a million years before Cole and Jessie were this old.
And now here they were.
Jessie entered with one of the first groups of graduates. Her pretty light brown hair hung past her shoulders, her posture straight and sure. Ashley shared a quick smile with Kari, even as they both dabbed at their tears.
Another few groups walked onto the field, but Cole would be among the last. That’s what he had told them after the graduation rehearsal. They were being seated in reverse alphabetical order. Finally, Ashley spotted him.
“Landon!” She leaned closer and tugged his sleeve. “Look!”
Cole was easy to see, tall and blond. Not only did he act like Landon, he walked like him. He talked like him and acted like him. Strong and confident, with an air of kindness anyone could’ve felt all the way to the top of the bleachers. Ashley blinked away her tears so she could see him clearly. Throughout the procession, people would yell out the names of their graduates or stand and cheer extra loud.
So as Cole walked past them Devin jumped up and hooted, his fist in the air. “Go, Cole!” He looked at the people in the stands near them. “That’s my brother!”
Several people laughed, everyone seeming to enjoy the fact that this was—after all—a celebration. Cole must’ve heard the shout-out, because he turned and saw them. Then he waved. Not just at the big group there supporting him, but at her. Ashley. And in his smile Ashley knew what he was telling her.
That it had been just the two of them from the beginning, and that they’d come a long way together since then. And something else. A deep gratitude because Ashley had stayed with him, raised him. In the beginning, doubt had told her that because of her choices, she and Cole would never have anyone, never be anything but alone.
But God and her family had other plans for Ashley and Cole. They had loved her and embraced her and forgiven her. New tears slid down her face, tears of joy and satisfaction, because they’d done it. She and Cole had made it.
He was still watching her, still smiling and waving. Ashley lifted her hand and did the same. And as she did she caught a look at the family around her. All of them were waving, too. And in a blur she wasn’t seeing Cole in his cap and gown. She was seeing him in his choo-choo pajamas, the red and blue train in his hand.
And Landon was giving them a tour of his firehouse and Cole was wearing Landon’s helmet. Wouldn’t take it off. And she could see him, blond hair combed neat, eyes wide as she dropped him off at first grade and she could hear his little-boy voice, “Do I have to stay all day, Mommy? What about our afternoon adventures?”
Ashley blinked and pressed her tissue to her face. And she could see him running across a soccer field, scoring his first goal as a nine-year-old and then making the winning shot in his middle school basketball championship. And there he was sitting with her mother in the rose garden outside the old Baxter house, the one they lived in now. Her mom’s head leaned close to his, Cole’s blue eyes looking at her, listening.
How Cole had loved his grandmother.
And she could see him standing next to her father at the pond on their property, fishing and talking and laughing. And she could hear Cole telling her that night, “Papa told me fishing isn’t really about the fish. It’s about the people you fish with.”
Another blink and Cole was getting out of her car and headed up to the entrance of Clear Creek High, waving and grinning, a lifetime of potential shining in his face. And the scene changed and he was a pallbearer after the accident that took Erin and Sam and three of their girls. And she could see him, strong and stoic in a suit that didn’t quite fit, and hear him later that day. “Won’t it be a party, Mom, when we’re all together in heaven one day?”
Ashley dabbed the tissue against the river of tears again. And suddenly he was a sophomore, sitting in the car beside her, telling her about his school project. “I have to interview someone in my family. Tell their story.” And for a series of weeks she could see Cole meeting with her dad. Interviewing his papa about Grandma Elizabeth. The grandmother he’d lost too soon. And they were sitting there and the sun was streaming through the window and Ashley’s dad was wiping tears as he remembered the most beautiful love story.
And when the project was finished she could hear him asking about his own father. Ashley could feel again the panic that had seized her. She didn’t want to talk about his birth father. There was nothing to say. He was a married artist in Paris who had wanted her to have an abortion.
She could hardly tell Cole that.
So she was hesitating and making small talk and trying to do anything but tell Cole the truth about his father, and suddenly Cole understood what she thought. And he was laughing and looking at her with curious eyes. “Mom, not that guy. I want to know about my dad. My real dad.”
And it was Landon he’d been talking about all along and Ashley was realizing all over again that God had given them a miracle because Cole was fine. He was happy and whole and he never once missed “that guy” because he had a dad. He had Landon.
All of it flashed in front of her teary eyes in the time it took Cole to walk in cap and gown across the grass and take his seat with his class. A brief trailer of images that disappeared as quickly as the years they represented.
She lifted her eyes to heaven and smiled. Lord, thank You for this life. Thank You for my oldest son, my Cole. Once more she dried her tears and as the famous processional song ended, Ashley felt the breeze brush over her face. She could do this.
Landon took hold of her hand. He whispered near her face, “You okay?”
“I am.” She sniffed and smiled at him. “We’ve had an amazing life, Landon.”
His eyes looked damp, too, but his smile matched hers. “Yes, we have.” He lifted her hand and kissed it. “This is only the beginning, Ash. Just another chapter.”
She nodded and turned her attention to the graduation ceremony about to start. Enough reflecting on moments gone by. This was a time to remember, too, and Ashley didn’t want to miss a single second. After all, she’d been dreaming about 2019 since she’d scribbled in her journal that day, and now here it was.
Her oldest son was graduating.
• • •
NO MATTER HOW Ashley tried to hold on to the weeks that followed graduation, they flew by like so many hours. Elise remained sure about her adoption plans
, and she was still sure Cole should go to Liberty. No matter what she decided about her baby. Cole had resisted at first, but then he did something Ashley and Landon both appreciated. He came to them each separately. Ashley was first. He asked her one question.
“Mom, if you’d been a senior in high school when you got pregnant with me, what would you have done?”
It was a question Ashley had considered this past semester, especially in light of Elise’s situation. Ashley hated the answer, hated that if things had been different she might not have made the same decision. She ached to think of all she would’ve missed. How she never would’ve known his baby face or the early years of his life. But it was the truth and she had to tell him. “I really think I would’ve placed you up for adoption.” She paused. “I’m sure I would’ve.”
The two had hugged then and Cole had smiled at her. “I’m glad you were older, Mom. I would’ve hated not knowing you.”
Another time he went to the fire station and talked to Landon. Later Landon told her how the conversation had gone. Cole had asked what Landon would’ve done if he’d been in high school when he and Ashley reconnected. Landon’s answer had been candid. He would’ve gotten his firefighting training and he would’ve waited a few years before even thinking about dating her.
Especially if she had a son.
Between Elise’s insistence that Cole follow through with Liberty and his conversations with Landon and her, Cole finally seemed at peace. Convinced he was making the right decision. But once that much was clear, another issue rose to the surface. The fact that very soon Cole wouldn’t only have to say goodbye to his family.
He’d have to say goodbye to Elise.
All of it seemed to push the days faster and faster toward August. Elise’s due date wasn’t until August 14, but on a sunny day the first of the month, Cole called home in a panic. He and Elise had been walking around Lake Monroe when her water broke.
“I’m taking her to the hospital.” His words ran together. “Please pray, Mom. She doesn’t look good. Come to the hospital as soon as you can.”
Two Weeks: A Novel (The Baxter Family) Page 22
