My heart raced as I met his brown eyes, but then he tapped the wall and left. I tried to catch my breath. Had my son meant Dwayne?
He returned with a bottle and handed it to him. I clutched the crib railing to hold on as I said, a little breathlessly, “Thank you.”
“No problem.” He winked at me and stepped away.
My son threw his arms out at him and screamed, “Dada.”
Tears rushed out of my eyes. Dwayne had been the only guy in our apartment other than Uncle Joseph. I sniffled them back and called out, “I think he’s calling for you.”
He pointed like he was asking to pick him up. I nodded, and he hugged Bruce, who instantly stopped crying. Dwayne rocked him as he said, “He’s a good kid.”
For a moment, he and my son stared at each other, and Bruce closed his eyes.
Seconds later, he was out again. Dwayne put him down, and I fixed his blanket, leaving the bottle. I didn’t argue, and we tiptoed out of the room. Once Dwayne shut the door, I swayed on my feet and said, “He’s the best.”
Dwayne glanced at me then stepped back and said, “Good night.”
My throat constricted. I had no right to call him back. I had broken up with him to save him from me.
My son had called him Dada. The knot in my stomach wished that was true.
I rocked for a moment as he closed the door down the hall of the spare bedroom he used as his gym.
My pulse was still wild, so I rushed back to my room and closed the door. Once I knew I was alone, I said to myself, “I’m going crazy here. If I go out there and apologize, then I’m weak.” My eyes misted up as I paced the room and said, “But if I don’t go out, I’m making myself miserable.” Dwayne made my body quake in ways I wasn’t sure I could handle. Near the door of his closet, I said, “I don’t know what to do.”
Every part of me wanted to rip my clothes off and chase him into that spare bedroom.
Being his made me feel alive.
But I would make myself a liar and just couldn’t. I sighed and tossed my hands in the air. “Fuck it. Let’s write a list.”
This was one of the therapies the women in the shelter were offered. I glanced in his closet and saw an old-fashioned yellow lined-paper pad and took it from the top shelf and found a pen in my bag.
I then curled up on the floor near the window and started two columns. In the first, I wrote, Pros, where I would write all the great things about being with Dwayne.
1. He’s amazing.
I underlined it. Seriously, he made me laugh. He stood at my side, listened to me, and my son even loved him. I would never find another like him.
My lips curved into a smile from just thinking about his face.
2. He’s protective.
The way he stood up for me, paid attention to details, and held me made him one in a million.
Damn. My body was trembling for him even then. I wrote.
3. He’s… I then crossed that out and wrote without thinking. I love him.
“Fuck,” I said out loud as I stared at the words.
If I ever said that out loud, I’d doom us both. I would never be the strong woman I’d worked so hard to become. I folded the paper in half like if I hid it, then it wouldn’t be true.
But I swallowed and then wrote the second line, Cons.
This was better. I could focus on the negative until I got out of there.
First line of negatives wasn’t easy, but eventually I wrote, He’s big and muscular.
Sure, that was probably many people’s positives, but the bigger the guy was, the more it probably hurt if he hit, though Dwayne was the opposite of Arthur.
His quiet strength and confidence had protected us.
I crossed it out and tried again. I free wrote, and the next line just came out: He gets to me.
True. I hid in this room and broke up with him because I’d started to believe in him and me. I’d imagined us falling in love, being happy, and that could be bad.
Next line. I let my thoughts flow freely from my pen to the paper. I’m afraid.
That wasn’t about him but me. I took the paper and crumpled it into a ball. No one ever needed to see it. I dropped the crumpled paper beside me as I said, “This list-making shit is stupid. I’ll write him a note to give to him. That’s better.”
Good. I snapped my fingers like I’d made a final choice. Perfect.
He would not find either message, so I was allowed to be honest.
So I wrote,
Dwayne,
You in my life has been like a dream I couldn’t ever imagine. Your kiss sets me on fire. And sex is so hot, I fear I may never stop wanting you. For the rest of my life, I’m going to ache for you and dream of you. I’ve never met anyone like you and will likely never find anyone similar.
However, it’s good we broke up. I can’t lose sight of who I am. I need to be strong and live for Bruce.
So I’m sorry, but it’s probably better this way. You deserve to find a woman who’s whole and can make you happy. When this is over and it’s safe for my son, we’ll disappear. But I want to tell you that I fell in love with you the first second I met you.
Love,
Mary
My tears hit the paper and made a small circle in the corner. I folded it and wrote his name in cursive like my aunt had taught me. Then I let out a sigh and said, “I’ll never give this to him. I can’t.”
I stuck it under the pillow. I would sleep better at least knowing I’d tried to find the right words, even if I would never say anything out loud.
The moment I did, there was a knock at the door. I stiffened as he opened the door. If he could read my mind, he would kiss me right now, and all my reasons would be tossed out the window. But instead, he peeked his head in and said, “Mary.”
I ran my hand through my hair and ignored how my lips tingled. He wouldn’t kiss me. I was being silly. “What’s going on?”
His face was hard and unreadable. “I just got word that police have a lead on Arthur and are tracking him now.”
I lifted out of my spot and nodded at him. “Good. Maybe this will be over tonight.”
His shoulders relaxed, and he opened the door a little wider. “For your sake, I hope so. I just wanted to let you know.”
For a moment, neither of us moved, but then I pushed my hair behind my ear and said, “Thank you. We don’t deserve you.”
Dwayne stared at me, and for a moment, I swear the flash in his eyes whispered he was hurt, but he said, “Mary, it’s not about deserving. Fucked-up people get power and adoration. Good people can go homeless or get killed by a car. All we can do is live our lives to the fullest, every day.”
Damn, he knew how to get deep inside my soul and read the real me. I swallowed, but still, neither of us moved. Then he waved his hand in the air and said, “Well, good night.”
My gut twisted, and my feet were still stuck to the spot where I’d been for another second. He’d seen right through me, and I wasn’t sure what happened next.
If I chased him and told him I was sorry and that I loved him, what if he didn’t believe me?
I fell back on the bed and took out my paper. Then I inched myself back to the window and found my spot to finish.
P.S. I wanted to tell you when you came in my room, but if I did, I’m afraid I’d never learn to be independent. That’s probably stupid to you but it’s been my goal since checking into a shelter. I can’t be that girl I was, ever again. I’m sorry.
Done. I refolded it and closed my eyes. I’d throw the paper in the trash in the morning, but for now, I would sleep with the dream I was somehow different and that I was truly his, forever.
Chapter Seventeen
Dwayne
No amount of working out could clear my mind. Earlier, when Bruce had called me “Dada,” my heart melted. Soon, Mary and her son would disappear, but for now, I needed to keep them safe.
I showered in the bathroom then headed to my office.
The moon was
high in the sky, but I couldn’t sleep. I slumped in my office chair and turned on the monitors, but then my phone rang. She never called this late. I answered on the first ring, and she immediately said, “Dwayne.”
My body stilled and my mind raced as I asked, “What’s going on, Mom?”
She then said, “One of your brother’s old friends, Jackson, explained about Wanda and what she’d done. I’ve spoken to the board. I had no idea Wanda had turned out so bad or why you chose to shield me.”
Huh? She was in California, the same as Jackson Cole, but no one had mentioned she’d have a guard. I sucked in my cheeks as adrenaline rushed through me. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, Jackson and Catherine are coming back. We’ll talk later.”
My hair stood on end, and I stood up and called out, “Mom.”
But she hung up on me. My temples throbbed, but I flipped through my contacts and dialed up Mark’s business partner. It rang. “Jackson, answer your phone.”
However, I just got voice mail.
I closed my eyes, said a small prayer for her safety, and then grabbed my phone as I said, “I can’t ignore this.” I pressed the button to call my regular contact, and the moment I heard a click, I didn’t wait for hello. “Mark, my mom is with Jackson. What the fuck is happening?”
“Thunder Thighs, she’s safe with him, and we’re in Pittsburgh. Just sit tight and trust the experts.”
Once again, they sought to protect me from my own problem. I closed my eyes and put my fists on the table. “You should consult with me first. But why did Jackson and Catherine pick up my mom?”
“I’m at the police station,” Mark said then lowered his voice and continued, “There’s a threat there, too, but she’s at their house, safe and sound. Give me an hour, and we’ll call and explain more.”
“Fine,” I said and pressed the red button. Our mom was sweet, baked cookies every Saturday morning, and sang in the church choir on Sundays. Taking her out of her routine was a big deal.
A knock sounded on my door, and I opened my eyes and stared at sweet glowing-like-an-angel Mary. She slipped into the room and approached me. “Is everything okay?”
She didn’t want me. Maybe my brother had ended up with the wrong woman because he’d never gotten a good one to keep him either.
I stood up, and luckily the desk was between us. I had goose bumps, but then I glanced at my computer and gave myself a mission. “No. Look, do you have Arthur’s phone number?”
She massaged the back of her head. “Maybe. Why?”
I took out mine and found Wanda’s contact info. “I can’t sit and do nothing. I want to try to track his number on my computer.”
Her eyes went wide. “Did something happen?”
I let out a long-held breath, nodded, and sat in my chair. “My mother was picked up and put under security.”
She leaned forward. “Seriously?”
I opened one of my programs and typed in Wanda’s phone number to trace her. “Wanda and Arthur are my probabilities, so I want to see where they are and triangulate our position and my mom’s.”
She reached in her pocket and grabbed her phone. She handed it to me with a number showing, and a spark rushed in my veins. “Sure. Is there anything else I can do?”
I was a sucker. I ignored the sense and typed in Arthur’s phone number in my computer, too, and I tried to smile but failed. “I’m happy you’re here and safe.”
She walked around my desk, invading my space. “That’s it?”
I glanced up at her. I couldn’t have her. I would not push. She’d told me to leave her alone, so I held my hands on my lap and asked, “What else do you want me to say?”
She knelt down in front of me and said, “Nothing. It’s me that needs to apologize to you.”
I reached for her hand, and her big brown eyes still sent my pulse soaring. My lips tingled, but before I could say anything, my phone rang. I sat back and squeezed her hand. “Wait. I need to get this, but I want to hear you.”
“Okay,” she said, and she stood up and sashayed around the desk to sit.
My gaze followed her every move, but I answered. “Mark.”
“Look, Arthur isn’t home. The police didn’t find him to arrest him.”
I put him on speaker phone and then texted him the link of the program I started as I said, “His phone is pinging that he’s at a bar. I forwarded the trace I started.”
“Good,” he said, and I set up a second text message and included Jackson’s number. Mark’s phone beeped he had the message as he asked, “What about Wanda?”
I reported what my mapping software read, “She’s in California. Looks like she’s in a car near the airport.”
And then I texted that info I’d promised.
Mark said, “Her warrant took longer, and she was airborne, but it’s active now. Jackson put your mom under protection for the night until she’s caught.”
I tapped the desk, and I saw Mary scoot closer to me. “What else can I do?”
“Trust us,” he said, and I pressed my hand to my temples. “Keep tracking. And in the morning, all will be resolved.”
The morning was too far away. Part of me wished I’d flown my mom here, too, so everyone I cared about would be there. “It’s hard to sit on the sideline.”
“Work out your ass, Thunder Thighs, but stay home.”
“Fine,” I said and sat back in my chair. We then said goodbye and hung up.
Mary jumped out of her chair, returned to my side, and then sat on my desk as she asked, “Is your mom okay?”
Her legs that close to me sent the memory of claiming her as my own in that hotel bed through my mind, replaying in vivid color. I ignored that and said, “She’s all I have, and I’m worried, but Jackson is a professional.”
She lowered her head and said, “I get it.”
I scooted away, though I watched the dots of the phones move as I said, “Wanda knows I’m attached to you. She met your son, so I’ve put him in danger. You were right to pull the plug on us.”
She scooted closer to me and said, “I wasn’t.”
My breath caught in my throat. “What?”
She stood up, and our legs touched. “I was wrong. I was scared of how I started to feel about myself near you.”
I shook my head. We’d gone too fast, because suddenly I had found a woman and believed in instant love. “You were smart.”
“No.” She pressed her hand to her heart like she was pledging allegiance to the flag and then said, “I was denying my heart and maybe yours because I needed to be independent, and I was scared to feel more. I was never looking for love.”
Love? Damn. I could feel goose bumps as I thought that maybe I hadn’t been wrong. “Yeah?”
At that moment, Bruce screamed. She tore a piece of paper out of her pocket with my name on it. She shoved it in my hand and said, “Look, I wrote you a letter. Read it, and I’ll be right back in.”
I stood up to go with her, but the tear on the corner of the paper caught my attention. If this was more heartbreak, it was best to be alone. I held it up and said, “Okay.”
My pulse raced, but I opened the paper and read the words. I reread that she loved me, twice. I wished she would say that out loud.
My heart grew, and I headed to the door to follow her, but she flew back into my office and right into my chest as I reached for the door. I stepped back. “Mary?”
Her eyes were wide like saucers. “Yeah?”
No-holds-barred time. My skin was alive, but I took her hand and said, “I’ve been in love with you since the first time I laid eyes on you.”
She had a smile that brought color to the darkest day. She batted her eyes. “Why me?”
I inched closer. “Because you brighten up the room and my life and make me see everything in color. Being with you is like sunlight in life, and without you, I’m lost.”
She cupped my cheek. “You’re not lost. You’re the best man I ever met. All the walls ar
ound my heart disappear when you come close to me.”
What few walls I’d built around my heart crumbled in one fell swoop. She loved me. I would wait for the words. I kissed her fingers and said, “Thank you for the letter.”
She reached for my hand. “Oh, I need that back.”
I whipped my hand behind me. “You’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”
She wrapped her arms around me but couldn’t reach. Then she bounced on her feet and said, “Or maybe I can kiss you until you hand it over.”
I smiled at the idea, but I said, “That won’t work.”
She leaned up higher on her toes. “Let’s try that.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head to kiss her. Her breath was warm and inviting, but my phone shrieked. I stepped back, put the paper in my pocket, and answered fast. “One second.”
California was three hours behind, but I answered on the first ring when I saw the Cole Securities number and said, “Jackson, what’s going on?”
“Wanda was arrested. Your mom is fine. We’re just waiting on Mark’s team and Arthur now.”
I let out a loud breath. Half the battle was done. “Can I talk to her?”
“Here,” Jackson said.
I heard her small breaths and didn’t wait for hello. “Mom, are you good?”
She sounded calm as always. “Devon’s friend here is nice. I’m glad you’re taking over for your brother now. I’ve been helping Jackson since I arrived with calling the board, so the paperwork for ownership is pretty much done.”
Maybe I should have involved her sooner. Mary came closer, and I stared at her. “Soon, I want to introduce you to my girlfriend, Mom.”
“I look forward to meeting this mystery woman. I hope she’s better than Wanda.”
“She is.” My mother meant to ask Mary questions about herself to formulate her character, but my mom meant well as she wanted to protect me. Mary was sweet and in my arms right now. “Talk to you soon.”
I realized she was reaching for my pocket, so I moved my hip out of her grasp.
“She’s safe?” she asked.
“Wanda’s been arrested. The company is pretty much mine now. All that’s left is for Arthur to be located.”
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