Cutting Cords (Cutting Cords Series Book 1)

by Mickie B. Ashling

  “Just because we had sex doesn’t mean I’m gay, Sloan.”

  “Oh, right. How silly of me to make such an assumption.”

  “Stop being an ass. You know I’m not gay. I’m practically engaged, for God’s sake, and I have every intention of marrying Juliana.”

  “Whoa.” I pushed away from him and groped for my pants, then slid them up my legs before standing at the foot of the bed. “You can keep on lying to yourself, but you should come clean with her.”

  “Did you actually think I’d break it off with her for you?”

  “Fuck no!”

  “Then what’s this about?”

  “You tell me.” I glared at him. He was a stranger again, cold and judgmental. The passionate lover who’d come all over me was gone.

  “Why do we have to label this?”

  “This?” I was now thoroughly confused.

  “Yeah, us… you and me. Why can’t we just have sex when we’re in the mood and not make a big deal out of it?”

  “Um…it’s unfair to your fiancée?”

  “Really, Sloan. Getting off with you doesn’t translate into any sort of commitment. Sex between guys was normal back in the day of the ancient Samurais. It’s just another form of sexual release.”

  I stared uncomprehendingly. What part of “gay” didn’t he understand? “So, what exactly are you saying?”

  “There’s no reason why we can’t continue to have great sex and still go on with our lives as we know it. Juliana and I will marry eventually. You just do your thing.”

  “And what’s my thing?”

  “Be as gay as you want. Fuck around but always wear a condom. Don’t bring home any diseases.”

  “And you’re okay with me sleeping with other guys, and you, whenever you’re in the mood for some man-on-man action?” I hadn’t realized I was shouting until he held up a hand. I was so angry, I wanted to punch him.

  “Why are you flipping out? It’s not like we’re in love or anything,” Cole said, following it up with a derisive snort.

  “Think about it.”

  Heading for the bathroom, I slammed the door behind me. My hands were balled into fists. Cole had just ruined one of the most amazing nights of my life with his twisted logic. What the hell was his problem? He was as queer as a three-dollar bill, and he had the audacity to call this a sexual release? Fuck that shit.

  I sat on the toilet and pushed off my pants. My cuts were starting to heal, scabbing over nicely. Let down by Cole’s rapid switch from loving to hateful, I ripped them off with my fingernails. The searing pain was immensely gratifying. It flowed through my veins like the finest heroin, masking everything else. The blood appeared right on cue, bright red and pulsing with my heartbeat.

  Chapter 14

  John Butterman had sounded sympathetic when Cole first told him about the accident, but now he was insistent that he try again. “You need to get back on the horse, son.”

  “I refuse.”

  Cole had taken a cab to the Lighthouse, unwilling to attempt another subway ride. He should have never mentioned anything to John because he wasn’t in the mood for a pep talk.

  “It was a random event,” John continued, “but this only underscores the benefits of a guide dog.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “He would have pushed you out of the way.”

  “Or not.”

  “I’m certain he would have given you some indication there was unusual activity in the area. They are sensitized to anything out of the ordinary.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Have you ever had a dog?”

  “Never.”

  John got rid of the pencil he was twirling and remarked, “That explains some of your skepticism. Let’s drop the subject for now. We’ll take the subway home, and this time, I’ll walk you to your apartment. Maybe we can have dinner?”

  “My roommate has company,” Cole replied. Sloan had mentioned his best friend, Emily, would be in town and staying over. “I’m not so sure we’d have the kitchen to ourselves.”

  “Then we can walk over to a neighborhood café or something. I’m not fussy.”

  “No, but you’re pushy,” Cole observed.

  “I’m only doing my job,” John reminded him.

  Cole frowned but didn’t bother arguing.

  “How are things going with Sloan?” John queried.

  Cole was unprepared for the sudden shift in topic and he flinched without realizing it. “Okay, I guess.”

  “You don’t sound convinced.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Aren’t you two getting along?”

  Cole wanted to tell John their relationship had moved to another level, but he wasn’t prepared to talk about it. Especially since Sloan had frozen him out after his pompous speech on mentoring and the possibility of having it all. Sloan had accused him of dishonesty and had barely said two words since. It was driving Cole crazy, but he wasn’t about to make the first move.

  “Cole?”

  “What?”

  “You haven’t answered my question.”

  “We’re fine.” Cole thought about the chill that had settled in their apartment. Things were far from ideal, and he would have liked to share the truth but baring his soul wasn’t a part of his DNA.

  “Have you told your roommate about your loss of sight?”

  “Hell, no.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want him to hover over me.”

  “From the little you’ve shared about the kid, I doubt he’ll turn into Florence Nightingale.”

  “He’s not a kid,” Cole said sullenly.

  “The man, then. I’m sure his behavior toward you will not change.”

  Cole thought about how easily Sloan had slipped into the role of caretaker after his fall. He was tempted to disagree with John’s assessment, but it would have opened up the discussion to a debate he wasn’t prepared to take on right then. “Let’s not talk about Sloan anymore, okay?”

  “Whatever you say, Cole. Shall we get going?”

  “Are we out of time?”

  “We can continue our discussion on the train; besides, I’m hungry. Aren’t you?”

  “Sure, I could eat.”

  Emily was exactly what I needed to take my mind off Cole and his bullshit. I’d been in a funk ever since the morning after we had sex. Listening to him talk about the fucking Greeks and their boy toys was surreal. He didn’t get why I was so upset. I wasn’t expecting a promise ring, but an acknowledgment that there was something special happening between us would have been nice.

  But, no, Cole lectured me on the fucked-up history of Japanese warriors and their baby samurais. He was in denial at the highest level, but it wasn’t my job to change his mind. He’d have to figure this out on his own. In the meantime, I wasn’t going to make myself available to him. If he wanted to get his dick sucked, he could ask his bloody girlfriend to do it for him. I had every intention of hooking up with Max. Amazingly, he still wanted to see me, even after I blew him off the other night.

  Emily arrived with a duffel bag bulging with clothes and a million questions about my life since I moved. It had been a long time since we’d last seen each other so we spent the first hour catching up. She’d changed her hairstyle, opting for a shorter, more flattering bob, and ditched her glasses.

  “You must be getting laid,” I surmised.

  “Moi?”

  “Don’t bother denying it, Em.”

  She laughed, looking prettier than ever before. “I’m seeing someone.”

  “Where did you meet?”

  “In class. Dan is also into theater.”

  “Good for you.”

  “I know, right? It’s still too early to make wedding plans, but I’m having the time of my life.” She leaned into me and gave me a hug. “How is your love life?”

  “It’s a work in progress,” I said cagily.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  I tol
d her what happened the night Cole and I were high on weed, and the unexpected drama that followed. Since I was already spilling my guts, I added the most recent altercation.

  “I’m sorry, Sloan. He sounds like someone who’s got a lot of issues with his sexuality.”

  “He’s weird as fuck. One minute, he’s chill and fun to be around, and in the blink of an eye, he turns into a raging piece of shit. I’m having a hard time reading him.”

  “Why not drop him altogether? Stop wasting your time on a lost cause.”

  “I’m trying, except whenever I see Cole, I have this terrible urge to jump his bones. He does things to my body I can’t control.”

  “You really do like him, don’t you?”

  “It’s more like a fatal attraction thing. I know he’s bad for me on every level, but I keep thinking about him.” I shrugged. “Typical self-destructive behavior I can’t seem to shake.”

  “Haven’t you met anyone at school?”

  “I’ve met a few people. Tin is a model on the side, and he invited us to one of his photo shoots. I thought you might like to see what it’s like behind the scenes.”

  “Tin?”

  “Etienne. I cut it short for expediency.”

  Emily smacked him on the arm. “Still as PC as ever.”

  “You’d be disappointed if I turned into a pillar of society.”

  “No, you’d be,” Emily retorted. “We can’t all be Freddie Mercury, Sloan. Some of us have to be in the audience.”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “So, where are we meeting this guy?”

  “At the Carnegie Deli.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “That’s where they’re shooting.”

  “At a deli?”

  “Enough with the third degree,” I scolded. “Follow me.”

  “Okay.”

  We left the apartment and walked to the subway. Cole was standing on the platform with the same white-haired guy holding a cane. Now I was really curious, since this was twice I’d seen them together.

  “Hey, Cole.”

  He looked startled when he heard my voice, even a little guilty. His companion turned in our direction.

  “Sloan,” he said stiffly.

  “This is Emily,” I said, waiting for him to introduce us to the stranger.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too,” Emily said, stretching out a hand. It was a few minutes until Cole reached out and returned the shake.

  “John,” Cole said, finally remembering his manners. “This is my roommate Sloan Driscoll and his friend Emily.”

  “John Butterman,” he said cheerily, clasping my hand and pumping it forcefully. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Oh? Good stuff, I hope.”

  He grinned and nodded. “What else?”

  He seemed like a nice enough man. I was dying to know more about him. Why was he with Cole? “Are you guys in a class together?”

  “You could say that,” he replied vaguely.

  “Where?”

  “We’ve got to go,” Cole interrupted. “Ready, John?”

  He took John’s arm and they walked up the stairs, leaving me and Emily watching their backsides.

  “You didn’t tell me Cole had a disability.”

  I stared at her like she’d just grown another head.

  Chapter 15

  We were finally on the train heading uptown when I turned to Emily and probed. “What was that about Cole?”

  “I don’t think he can see as well as you or me. Does he wear contacts?”

  “Back in the day he wore black-framed glasses, but I haven’t seen them recently, so he must wear contacts. Except,” I realized, “there’s no cleaning solution or other contact paraphernalia in the bathroom.”

  “How odd.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.” Emily frowned. “I have an entire shelf devoted to my lenses. Didn’t you notice the way he groped for my hand when I had it stretched out for the handshake?”

  “No.” I looked at her like she was nuts. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “And who’s the blind man?”

  “How the hell should I know?”

  “You don’t know very much about Cole, do you?”

  “I know he shudders when he’s about to come, and he makes these cute little grunting noises while he’s fucking me. I also know he’s circumcised and dresses to the right. What else would you like to know?”

  Emily’s eyes boggled and she squeaked out a horrified gasp before she covered her mouth and giggled. “You’re terrible.”

  “Sorry, not sorry,” I joked, never taking the smile off my face.

  “You’re a piece of work, Sloan.”

  “Do you think Cole’s hot?”

  She nodded. “Major hottie.”

  I was grinning at her like a hyena. “Do you blame me for being in lust?”

  “I think you should forget about him, though. He’s got issues.”

  “Don’t we all?”

  “Come on, Sloan,” Emily said, suddenly serious. “I’m getting a bad feeling about this situation.”

  “Why?”

  “I sense trouble.”

  “You’re reading too much into this, Em; besides, I’ve moved on. You’ve got to meet this guy I’m about to introduce you to. He looks just like Freddie Mercury.”

  “Ewww.”

  “What? Freddie was awesome.”

  “He had a great voice.”

  “But physically?”

  “Not my type.”

  “Whatever. Max is a successful photographer, as well as attractive, although not on par with Cole.”

  “You really find your roommate irresistible, don’t you?”

  “I’d rather not discuss him anymore.”

  “But you’ll fantasize in private.”

  “I can have sex with him whenever I want.”

  “I know, but at what cost? You’ll be pouring salt on an open wound.”

  I cringed when she mentioned a wound. If she only knew.

  “Enough, Em. I’m making an effort to turn my life around.”

  “I know, Sloan, and I’m impressed. I never thought you’d make it on your own, let alone get a scholarship.”

  “I have hidden talents you know nothing about.”

  “And I really don’t want to hear about them,” Emily said with an eye roll.

  “You’re no fun at all. Come on. This is our stop.”

  I dragged her by the hand, and we exited the train, then winded our way out of the subway labyrinth toward 57th Street. I had never been to the Carnegie Deli, so I had no idea what to expect. The place was filled to capacity. Tin sat at a table with Max. He waved to catch my eye.

  “Hey.” I acknowledged everyone with a nod. “This is Emily. Em, this is Max and my friend, Tin.”

  The guys stood and pulled out a chair for her. I grabbed my own. “So, what are you doing here?”

  “Taking pictures of food,” Max replied.

  There was a plate in front of him with two pieces of bread heaped with slices and slices of fatty red beef. It was grotesque and made me want to hurl. The ironic part about my quest for the perfect body was my natural inclination toward leaner cuts of meat. The only exception was pepperoni on my pizza. Sugar in any form was a basic necessity, especially when I was high or depressed.

  “What the hell are you eating?” I asked, really disturbed by the untidy display on the plate.

  “This is the pastrami sandwich, which made this place famous.”

  “Are you going to eat the whole thing?”

  The horror on my face must have been pretty obvious because Max burst out laughing. “Don’t tell me you’re a vegan?”

  “No, but your sandwich would make me consider it.”

  He shrugged. “More for me.”

  “Why are you taking pictures of this, Max? I thought you only did people.”

  “I do whatever they pay me to do.”

  “Is anyon
e going to model any clothes today? I thought it would be fun for Emily to see an actual photo shoot with famous people.”

  “Come to my studio after we’re done here. I have a shoot for Abercrombie’s next line.”

  “With all the hot guys?”

  “Yup.”

  “We’re coming,” I announced, nodding at Emily. “Right?”

  She blinked owlishly. “For sure.”

  I ordered a chicken salad for myself and a Reuben for Emily. Max insisted she have something Jewish to commemorate her visit, and we asked for the child portion, hoping it would be more manageable.

  “Why are you so quiet?” I asked Tin. He hadn’t said much since we sat down.

  “I’m nervous.”

  “About what?”

  “He’s worrying about his competition,” Max replied through a mouthful of pastrami.

  I waved away his concerns blithely. “Stop being a drama queen, Tin. You’re gorgeous.”

  “You think so?” Tin asked, coming to life suddenly. “I won’t disappear in a crowd of tanned beach boys from California?”

  “Oh, please. Take a Xanax and calm the fuck down.” I mouthed a forkful of salad and spat most of it into a paper napkin, making a moue of disgust.

  “What’s wrong with it?” Max asked, apparently watching my every move.

  “Too much mayo.”

  He shook his head. “No wonder you’re so thin.”

  “You don’t know shit about me.”

  He arched a brow. “I’m surrounded by people with body-image issues.”

  I dropped my fork with a loud clatter. I was ticked off. He barely knew me but had already put me in the same category with his stable of needy models. “Who said I have a problem?”

  “Then why won’t you let me photograph you? Your face is perfect for the camera, yet you resist me. Why?”

  “I’m not a narcissist. I don’t need to see my face on the cover of GQ to feel special.”

  “I could make you a star,” Max declared confidently.

  “Is that right?”

  “Designers will love you,” Max insisted. “Trust me on this. You’ll have anything you’ve ever dreamed of; I can give you the world.”

  I was taken aback. When was the last time anyone had made such an offer? No one in my family ever had. The fucking legal system was ready to throw me in jail if I had any more incidents with drugs. Cole wasn’t making any offers, other than clandestine forays into his bed. He wanted to turn me into his fuck boy, and I wasn’t willing. When the realization hit home, I made up my mind.