Opiate Jane

by Baker, Jessica K. ;

  “Don’t do this, Landon.,” I said, crying. “It’s not going to work. You can have any girl you want. You don’t love me.”

  “You’re always pulling away from me, Jane,” Landon protested. “Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall. I’m screaming at you that I love you and you look the other way. Can you not hear me, or do you just not love me back?”

  I looked down at the floor. Landon would not give up, and I knew soon I would no longer be able to stand my ground. I would once again cave. I needed him too much not to.

  He cupped my chin into his hands and raised my face to his.

  “Hold your damn head up, girl,” he said. “That’s it! I’m getting tired of this. Come with me.”

  He grabbed me by the arm, dragged me up the stairs to his room, and faced me in front of the mirror.

  “Look at you—you’re beautiful. And if this mirror showed you the way I see you, it would shatter. It could not withstand your beauty. I’ve never wanted someone the way I want you. Not just physically; I want you here with me in my heart and soul. When I’m without you, I feel like I can’t breathe. You literally take my breath away. I cannot live without you now. I spend every moment we’re not together obsessing over you. From this moment on, you will never be alone. You have to let me love you. Please, I’m begging you. Why can’t you realize you should be loved? You deserve it!”

  He turned me around and pulled me as close to his body as we could get without melting into each other. He took my face in his hands again.

  “Jane, I will not let you go,” he said. “You can fight me with all you’ve got. I will not let you leave.”

  He kissed me hard. There was so much fire in that kiss I felt as if I were going to burst into flames. I couldn’t fight back anymore. I surrendered. I kissed him back. I knew I loved him. I knew there was no turning back. I would just have to deal with whatever came my way. But at that moment in time, I did not care about what tomorrow was going to bring. I just wanted him today. I just wanted this now.

  He pulled away from my lips, shocked that I’d kissed him back that way. He looked into my eyes and flashed me a smile of relief.

  When I looked at him, I saw my reflection in his eyes and I could see I was smiling too. How long had it been since I’d felt this way? Never. I’d never felt this way about anyone. I had no idea how to be close to someone like this. I’d spent the last four years distancing myself from anyone who tried to get close to me. And there I was, letting this boy get as close as he wanted. What the hell was I thinking? That was just it: I wasn’t thinking at all anymore.

  We ended up going back to my little house to wait on Mother, Lizzie, and Mrs. Whitman to get home from the hospital. I had called to check on Lizzie, but I just got Mother’s voicemail. Landon and I both knew we were going to get the third degree about what had happened with Lizzie and about us dating. Landon assured me that what happened was just an accident and that Mother would probably be calmed down by the time she made it home. We both agreed that his mom would be pitching a fit about us being together, though. I figured she was going to lay into him pretty good. Probably something about how he could do so much better than me. I knew she definitely didn’t see me as good enough to date her son. Landon didn’t seem to care what she thought, thankfully.

  We were hanging out watching TV when Mother got home. Lizzie came running in the door and ran up to Landon.

  “Thanks, Wandon, for saving me from the water. It was deep. Mommy said to say thank you.”

  Landon smiled at her.

  “You’re welcome, short stuff. I’m glad you’re okay.”

  Lizzie returned the smile. “Yeah, I okay. The doctor taked a picture of my bones.”

  Mother chimed in and thanked Landon also. Landon kissed me on the cheek and went back to his house. He told me he would catch up with me tomorrow. Mother flashed me strange looks after Landon kissed me and Lizzie let out a big, “Oooohhh, yuck!” I couldn’t help but laugh at her. I grabbed ahold of her and held her tight to me. I was so grateful she was okay.

  “Jane, I’m sorry I was so upset with you earlier,” Mother said. “I was very worried about Lizzie. What happened was an accident and could have happened no matter who was watching her. Let’s just hope Children Services doesn’t get wind of what happened. That is something they’d want to check out. I would really like to keep them away from us. I’m so tired of them thinking they can run our lives. Everything is as it should be now, and I don’t want them screwing with us anymore.”

  I couldn’t do anything but stare at Mother. She had to be freaking kidding me! After all she’d put me and Lizzie through, she had the nerve to worry about me doing something to screw it up? She was the one running around with her NA buddies all the time. Who knew what she was out doing with them? She made me so damn mad. Who did she think she was, talking like it’s all Children Services’s fault that our lives had been so messed up? She was the one who’d screwed up everything. Not them and certainly not me.

  Mother did ask about Landon and me. I just told her we were getting to be friends and left it at that. She didn’t need to know my business. I gave Lizzie a big hug, told her I was very happy she was okay, and hit the shower so I could go to bed. I didn’t want to deal with Mother any more that night.

  I didn’t sleep very well, though. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Lizzie underwater, looking up at me for help. That wasn’t how it had really happened, but it was definitely how my mind was deciding to process it. I couldn’t handle it. I ended up reading most of the night. I think it was around 4 a.m. when I realized I couldn’t hold my eyes open anymore. I crawled in bed with Lizzie and cradled her in my arms until morning, when she woke up and told me to get off her. At least I managed to get a little sleep when I had her safe in my arms.

  Lessons

  I woke up hoping the day would be uneventful. I definitely didn’t want any more accidents or surprises any time soon. I’d managed to keep it secret that it was my sixteenth birthday—secret from everyone except Mother, of course. I didn’t want anyone to make a big deal out of it. I wasn’t used to a big fuss and I didn’t want one now. Lizzie knew, though. She wished me a happy birthday first thing in the morning. That meant Mother must have told her. I’d really been hoping she would just forget about it.

  Lizzie and I went into the kitchen to get some breakfast, and there was a gift box on the counter with a card that read “Jane.” I sighed and opened the card. It was a really sappy card signed by Mother and Lizzie. In the bottom corner Mother had written, “You will never know how much I really do love you. You are so special to me.” Lizzie was jumping up and down wanting me to open the gift box. I did and was shocked to see it was a cell phone. I couldn’t help but be excited. I’d wanted a phone for a long time but just figured it would never happen.

  When I turned it on, I saw I already had two text messages. The first one was from Mother and read, “Jane, send Lizzie over at noon and go to the garage. She can spend the day helping me and you can enjoy your day. Happy Birthday, Baby. Love, Mom.” Why in the world would she want me to go to the garage? It might have been my sixteenth birthday, but I knew she didn’t have the money to buy me a car. She needed to get herself a better one first.

  Lizzie and I ate our breakfast and went to get dressed. I was almost done getting us ready when I remembered there was a second text on the phone. I grabbed it to see what else Mother had to say. The text wasn’t from her, though; it was from Landon. Mother must have given him my number that morning. His text said, “Hey, City Girl! Make sure you grab ur suit and towel. We be hittin the beach 2day.”

  What the heck was he thinking? I couldn’t swim. He knew that, and why in the world would I want to go anywhere near water after what had happened just a few days ago? I shrugged my shoulders and opened my drawer to get my suit. Lizzie giggled when I pulled a brand-new swimsuit out of the drawer. I have to say I wa
s relieved, because the only suit I had was a dingey old thing that had those little lint balls all over the butt. The suit Mother had gotten me was really cool. It was a black bikini with a white skull and crossbones on one side of the front. I loved it.

  I wasn’t sure how Mother had known Landon would be taking me swimming when she hadn’t even known about me and Landon until the other day. Or, maybe she had already known about us and I’d just thought we were keeping it a secret.

  I walked Lizzie over to the Whitmans’ house and then headed to the garage. Landon was waiting for me inside. He looked so hot standing there next to his car with his ripped-up jeans, white T-shirt, and a bandanna wrap on his head. I don’t know what it is about that bad-boy look, but it worked for him. It was freaking hot. He was getting really good at making me swoon.

  He smiled at me.

  “It’s about time, City Girl. You’re late.”

  I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

  “You’ve got to give a girl a break,” I said. “These plans were sprung on me at the last minute. I thought I got ready pretty fast considering you’re taking me swimming so soon after my little sister about drowned on my watch. What are you thinking?”

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him.

  “I’m not being insensitive. I think you need to learn how to swim, girl,” he said. “I figured you would feel better about having Lizzie around water if you knew how. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I understand.”

  I was a little shocked. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but he was right. I did need to learn to swim. Had I known how to swim, I wouldn’t have felt so helpless the other day. It wasn’t that I was scared of the water or didn’t want to learn. I just really had never had the opportunity to go swimming. Most foster homes never had pools, nor would the foster parents take us on family outings.

  I folded my arms across my chest.

  “Just what makes you think you’re qualified to teach someone how to swim, anyway?”

  Landon laughed at me.

  “Always the skeptic, aren’t you, Jane? Well, for your information, I spent last summer as a lifeguard. I think I can handle it.”

  Of course he could. What couldn’t he do? We loaded up the car and set out to the beach. We were almost to the end of the driveway when I realized I had no idea where the beach was around there. Did he mean the Beach Waterpark or some makeshift beach at a lake somewhere?

  I turned toward him and asked, “Landon, where is it exactly that we’re going swimming?”

  “There’s a pretty good beach about an hour from here,” he said. “I know it’s a little bit of a drive, but it’s a big beach that’s shallow a good ways out. It would be a good place to learn to swim. The only downfall is that it’s always crowded on hot days.”

  I scrunched my nose.

  “I’m not real sure I’m up for an audience to watch me make a fool of myself. Is there anywhere else we could go?”

  I felt like I was being a pain in the butt, but I really wanted to go somewhere more private.

  Landon gave me that award-winning smile of his.

  “Why are you always so worried about the people around you all the time?” he asked. “Jane, you’re a wonderful person and you shouldn’t be so concerned with what people think of you. What do any of their opinions matter anyway?

  “There’s a place over by Seaman. We call it the swirl hole. It’s a deep part of Brush Creek. We could go there, but it’s pretty deep. You’d have to either sink or swim,” he said, chuckling.

  I frowned.

  “A creek? Aren’t there snakes and fish and stuff in those?”

  Landon laughed out loud.

  “Yes, but all those are in that beach we were going to go to also.”

  I scratched my head.

  “Oh, that’s so gross! I don’t know if I like the idea of swimming with creepy crawlers. I guess I don’t have a choice about that, though. Don’t you know anybody with a pool?”

  Landon looked like he was starting to get frustrated with me.

  “I could probably find one, but you would have an audience,” he said. “You can’t have it both ways. You’re going to have to choose between the audience or the snakes and fish.”

  I frowned again.

  “That’s not much of a choice. I guess it’s the snakes and the fish. At least they can’t laugh at me.”

  Landon turned left out of the driveway and headed toward Seaman. The swirl hole wasn’t too far away; we were there in about fifteen minutes. Landon had failed to tell me we would have to walk a mile through a field of weeds to get to the water. I was so worried about those tick bug things getting on me and sucking my blood. That’s just disgusting. I’d seen one on a dog one time and it was huge. Landon just laughed at me and said he would be sure to check me over really good.

  The day turned out to be wonderful despite all the creepy crawlers in the weeds and in the water. Being that close to Landon the whole time we were in the water seemed to help me take my mind off the other stuff. I did actually learn to be comfortable in the water. I could tread water and go under. Landon was a wonderful teacher. He showed off a few times by swinging off this old rope that was hanging from a tree on the other side of the creek. I could never do that, no matter how well I learned to swim. I couldn’t imagine how deep he went under after he fell from that rope.

  My favorite part of the day was when we were resting on the blanket Landon had brought. We lay back on it, held onto each other, and talked the whole time. Well, maybe not the whole time. There might have been some kissing involved. Landon was a great kisser. Not that I had much to compare it to. I hadn’t kissed any other guys, unless you counted Bo Robbins in first grade. Landon’s lips were always so warm and his arms were always wrapped around me. I loved it when he cradled my face with his hands or when he slid his hands down my neck and back. It gave me chills just to think about it.

  Little green monsters

  The rest of the week went pretty quickly. I was excited and completely freaked out about going camping that coming weekend. There was this huge Battle of the Bands thing going on a couple towns over in Manchester. It was down by the Ohio River. Maybe I would feel more comfortable there since I was used to being around the river in Cincinnati. Landon assured me we would have a good time. Part of me wished Milah Jo was going, especially since she was lying to Mother about me staying the weekend with her. I didn’t want her to feel like I was using her. I would never do that to her. Milah Jo had proved to be a great friend, and of course she was more than happy to go along with it. She loved the idea of me and Landon together.

  Mother dropped me off at Milah Jo’s on Saturday morning. I’d been a little worried that she would want to talk to Milah Jo’s mom, but she was in a hurry to get her errands done so she just dropped me off. I dropped my bag by the bushes after Mother pulled away. Milah Jo’s grandparents thought I was visiting for just a few hours. It would have looked bad if I’d come in carrying a bag and then left with Landon later. Landon was picking me up at two, so I would have a few hours with Milah Jo. We spent most of the morning in her room talking about the upcoming night. She kept questioning me about my virginity and if I was going to do anything with Landon. I confessed that I was a virgin and that I’d fallen in love with Landon, but I would not make any of the mistakes Mother had. I told Milah Jo that I was not ready for sex and had no intentions of letting things get that far. Milah Jo being Milah Jo, she just kept telling me I really couldn’t say that until I was in the heat of the moment. She was convinced that since I’d never been in that position before, I couldn’t possibly say I would say no. All morning, everything I heard was, “Girl, you’re crazy about that boy and I honestly don’t think you could refuse him anything now. I know I couldn’t.” Then she would just giggle.

  It was no secret between me and Milah Jo that she thought
Landon was hot! But she’d developed a new crush on Jackson Jenkins right before school had let out for the summer. She’d been doing everything she could to get his attention and was mad that it was summer and she couldn’t see him anymore. She was pretty happy, though, when Landon told her he had known Jackson since kindergarten and that he would see what he could do about setting up a date. I hoped Landon could work his magic, because Milah Jo was already over the moon about the idea of it.

  I started getting really nervous as two o’clock approached. What if Landon did expect me to have sex with him that night? I was so worried that he would dump me if I didn’t put out. How could I be so excited and scared about the same thing? My feelings always seemed to be so complex. Nothing ever seemed to be black or white. It was always grey.

  Landon was right on time. I snuck my bag into his car, and he leaned over to kiss me as soon as I got in. He smiled that amazing smile and asked me if I was ready to have some fun. I assured him I was, but I wasn’t too sure I was very convincing. I stared out the car window for most of the ride. After about twenty minutes, he asked me if something was wrong.

  I turned toward him and frowned, saying, “I just can’t seem to hide my feelings from you.”

  He laughed.

  “Jane, you can’t hide your feelings from me. Your face and body language always show what you’re feeling. You may think you hide your feelings from everybody, but you don’t. Not to mention you haven’t said two words the whole drive. Now, tell me what you’re so worried about.”

  Ugh! How did that boy know me so well? I had known him for only a few months and he already had me figured out. So, after a couple minutes of trying to decide what to do, I just spilled it. I figured that would work better, because if he got mad, then he could just go ahead and take me home right then. Before I knew it, I’d blurted it out: “Landon, I cannot have sex with you tonight, so I hope that’s not what you have planned.”